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Mike Martin avatar 10:44 PM on 05.09.2014
A Peak Inside My Anus - Not Quite 10 Things About Philly

Welcome. Everyone seems to be hopping on this train and since I'm not one to be left out I thought I'd spread 'em and saddle up.

1: Cropdusting

I am a cropdusting son of a bitch. I do it to my employees/patients all the fucking time too. It provides a nice vulgar laugh to accentuate my days of stress and insanity. I know it's gross and immature, I'm about to be 33, yadda yadda, but fuck you. Life is too god damn serious and clean smelling anyway.

2: I am where I am at today because of you guys.

I will never forget it either. A year ago I was beyond down on my luck. Through a mixture of bad choices and bad luck, I was broke, jobless and fucked. I didn't know what else to do, swallowed every ounce of pride I had and reached out to Dtoid for help. I received it in spades too. To the point I felt guilty, disgusted and ashamed at my failure. The important thing though, is you guys got my kids and I by until I snagged another job. All my own personal bullshit aside, that still makes me tear up that people Ive never even met (except you Qal) helped my family out so much. I love you guys so much and can never thank you enough. Now I run an adult day program for the mentally ill/handicapped and just accepted a second job as an administrator for a group of care homes that deals with the same. What a difference some help/kind words and a year can make huh?

3: I believe in God and pray almost every night.

Not something I talk about usually so I think it would be the perfect thing to slap down here. Yeah, I believe in God and do actually pray for my friends and family every night. I was raised Catholic (horribly and abusively, you know... to round it all out I guess) and for awhile after my mom died (and stopped shoving that fucking book down my throat) I was an Atheist. I would actually go to churches just to argue with the priests/reverends/deacons/whoever about the existence of Jesus, God and if we could trust the bible or not. Around 25 I'd say, I was really low. Drugs, bad shit and family problems broke me. I found myself on my knees praying without thinking about it. It felt right. I asked the Lord back into my life but do not label myself Catholic, Christian, etc. I have and will never offer God as a solution to anyone's problems and prefer to keep these beliefs mostly to myself. So yeah, the vulgar, disgusting, raping baby joke cracking Phil you know and love is going to burn in hell for eternity. Fuck it.

4: I had an interruption in my sobriety a couple months ago.

Yeah, I was drinking again for a minute. I let personal shit get the best of me and hit the bottle hard for about a month. Still worked, took care of kids, etc. But when everything was done and everyone asleep (or gone in one case), I got fucking hammered. It started with a couple drinks I had a couple months before the relapse, reminded me how good it felt, I craved it, let it prey on my mind and then overtake me. Fucking weakness. I snapped myself out of it when I noticed I had killed a bottle of E&J in a couple hours alone. For a guy who went years without a drop that was quite the achievement and wake up call. But alas, I cant let myself do that at this time. Can't wait till I retire, get the kids out and can just get drunk until I stroke out.

5: I started jerking off to anime porn out of boredom recently.

Yeah, I don't even fucking know. Did I mention there is something wrong with me?

6: I can eat the same foods for every meal and not get bored for awhile.

I don't know if it's being from broke and making due or what, but a co-worker called me out on eating the same exact kind of sammich everyday for two weeks. I never really thought about it, but I am quite content eating the same thing for every meal, every day. I do it with lunch and breakfast constantly. Dinner is a different story since Im cooking for others, but if I was alone you can be damn sure it'd be taco night, every night.

7: Shit.... ummmmm......


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