Oh, don't say that. You look fine! I think you were doing fantastic all throughout last year and your future is looking incredibly bright right now. You're putting out some great sequels, some exciting new franchises, and just generally being awesome right now.
...Okay, I'll admit it. I am buttering you up a bit. We really, really need to talk about some of the decisions you've made recently. I like seeing you thrive and put yourself into the limelight even more. But you've done some pretty boneheaded things recently. I mean, I want you to continue your success, so why are you making it so difficult? I'll break it down some more.
Saints Row The Third, not only were you a joy to play, I'll admit it...I'm PROUD of you.
Yeah, I'm proud. I noticed your potential early on when your series was first starting. Then you amped it up for the sequel. But The Third? WOW. You got that brand new physics and graphics engine and looked sharper than ever. You got a new writer and were funnier than ever. You cut out most of your pointless filler and got more enjoyable to play than ever. I know I chewed you out before for missing things that you had before, but it doesn't change my feeling that you were the best game to come out in 2011. So why haven't I bought you yet? Well, you see....
-That online pass. I don't remember that being there before. In fact, why is it here now? You don't have a multiplayer mode anymore.
...You say I need it to play co-op modes? Well, that seems a bit silly...was this your idea? You know how I feel about online passes, right? I know you might disagree, but I won't support them. I'm already paying for Xbox Live to play online. And what about my friends who want to play with me but can't afford a $60 game, why are they being punished? I don't support the online passes, and as petty as I might sound right now...if I keep "putting up" with the passes, they won't stop. I'm just not cool with that.
-The season pass. Seriously, did someone put you up to this?
You haven't had great DLC in the past...to be brutally honest you've been terrible with it. But now you want me to subscribe to an online pass for three pieces of content? And you're releasing a TON of new clothing, guns, and homies...why aren't those in the online pass? Are you really expecting me to buy all of this stuff separately? When you've got less content than you used to but you're trying to sell more...that just doesn't feel right, you know?
-I won't go over it too much again, but you know what you did. You left out a lot of cool stuff you used to have like mission selection, clothing options, hell, even a good day-night cycle! I want you to succeed but you're making a lot of dumb choices in how you present yourself.
I can't put my finger on why, but I want to play this game!
I didn't care for Final Fantasy XIII that much. The gameplay is cool but the story and characters were not. Call me old-fashioned but not caring about what happens to the characters in a lengthy RPG campaign kills my interest in finishing that game.
Yet, I want to play XIII-2. The gameplay got even better and more complex from what I saw in the demo. Shaking up the way the game progresses interested me too. Even if I still don't give a damn about what happens to these characters...this game looks cool.
I'll admit that you had a rough start, Mass Effect. Your first outing was...awkward to say the least. Things vastly improved by the second, but you still felt a little strange to control.
But now! You've finally figured it out. You've grown into a perfectly competent shooter with minimal awkwardness and a truly exciting cast and story. I can't wait to reunite with some of my old space buddies for one last push against whatever evil aliens are threatening us this time.
-Why do you have multiplayer? I know you're trying to appeal to more people, and I'll admit that your systems are much better than I expected. But they're not perfect. In fact, I'm a little bored when I play the multiplayer. It stretches on for too long with no visible end in sight. The maps feel a little cluttered, and the whole experience is more than a little unfair if until you've reached a high enough level...or used a cheesy enough class.
Is this another bright idea to add an online pass? What was wrong with the Cerberus Network? I thought that worked out well, to be honest.
-What's going on with the DLC everywhere? DLC codes on bad figurines, art books, soundtracks, clothes, every piece of Mass Effect merchandise under the sun! Throw in some pre-order DLC and retailer exclusive goodies for good measure? Sure, why not? And if you had so much time to add a multiplayer mode and develop all this bonus DLC...what's up with the Day 1 DLC? Not quite understanding the logic behind that.
To be honest, this massive amount of DLC makes me want to wait for you. Wait until it's all collected in one place so I can experience the "complete" Mass Effect 3. I'm conflicted though. I don't wanna wait because I'm excited about playing. But why would I do that when I can be assured that there will be a ton of cool guns, extra squad members, and expansions available if I just ignore you for other games this year?
So, games. We're still cool. Sorry if I made you think we're not still cool! But all this stuff you're doing, the unnecessary DLC, the pointless season passes, the removal of content to sell later...not cool. I wanna support you and I want you to succeed, but it's just tough when you keep doing dumb things!
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting kicked out of Best Buy for talking to these game boxes.