I'm celebrity author and renowned street mime Panzadolphin56. This is my blog. I write things here.
...in case the blog bit didn't give that away.
Anyway! To the left you'll find my latest blogs, and beneath this you'll find a fairly comprehensive list of most of what I've written over the years (unfortunately some stuff does eventually get bumped off the list.)
I like to write from a fairly critical standpoint about games, usually analysis or talking about issues that interest me, I also do retrospectives from time to time, talk about games I've been playing, write the funny things that come into my head, and very occasionally do some crappy art.
I am mostly a story person, good mechanics are good mechanics but button pressing never does anything for me. I like Horror, I like Cyberpunk, I like Neo-Noir (especially crossed with Cyberpunk), I like good art and good writing, I like games that cut against the grain or choose to challenge social or industry norms in some way.
I don't have a single favourite game but I am a big fan of the MGS games, Snatcher, the Forbidden Siren series, Silent Hill 2, the old-school Resident Evils, Advance Wars and Power Dolls, among many, many others.
I'll be honest, I lied - there are no hookers in this blog, but wipe your tears away my friend, for I have to tell you about how evil the games industry is and how we must all hate it: right from this second! ....yeah this second, no, yeah, this one.
About now anyway.
Soo, one of the things that many magazines, critics and commentators of the gaming industry like to point to constantly as a sign of the coming apocalypse is the lack of 'diversity' in the games industry, they point at the top 10 biggest selling games of 2000 and whatever, and they go:
HMMMMmmmmm (you may want to imitate the sound yourself)..... THESE GAMES IZ ALLS SHOOTERS! BOOM BOOM!
Which to be fair, is true. Most of the biggest selling-game are shooters like Modern Warfare, or any Call of Duty, or Medal of Guns Covert Shooty guy Edition. There are a lot of guns in the top 10, and most of the games that sell lots involve you shooting stuff... and you're usually a white guy, or if that's not possible then a hot girl whose every other word is double-entendre intended to make her sound like a superwhore. Actually probably the only exception to that rule that I've found in a recent top-selling game was Aliens Vs Predator... and that game sucked. Still it was nice you didn't play John A. Whitey.
To be honest there's a reason it's like this: because that's what games company/movie makers/everyone else who makes anything, thinks we want. And they're probably right, but it does lead to a lot of sameyness in the games industry - with a feeling that there's a lot of mediocrity out there and that most developers just follow the trend when it comes to designing their games instead of striving to break the mould. But why are games like this???? Why can't everything be oriiginalz???????
I DON'T KNOW - actually I do, but I'm not going to explain it, instead I'm going to show you something that may blow your mind.
The games industry is drowning in it's own mediocrity so I've put together a selection of three great game ideas that could pave the way forward for revolutionising the games industry - if any games company even makes one of these then mediocrity will NEVER, EVER, EVER exist in the industry ever again and ummm naked ladies will want to sleep with us all. (yeah, they're that good).
CALCULATORS: THE GAME
I feel like in order to break new ground we have to re-evaluate what's fun, sure shooting people in the face is good fun, but have you ever played with a calculator for a whole afternoon? Dude, that shit is tight! Seriously.
Thus I think 'Calculators: The Game' is the best possible answer to the connundrum of where the games industry as a whole should go from here. I mean think about it: Really, who needs tried and tested games mechanics, why not base Calculators mechanics off the real thing???
Players will even get a chance to purchase a special 'Calculator Controller' that mimics the inputs of a normal calculator and translates those inputs into game commands - like pressing the number 7.
CALCULATORS 2: PAYBACK'S A BITCH
I know what you're going to say: but it's a sequel! it's not original, so it must be crap! Well woah there, woahhhh, woahhh brother. Let me Explain: yes, it's a sequel, but it's a sequel for a reason, unlike all those other games that developers make where they just push out the same old crap and try to sell it cause it's like the original, Calculators 2 is a good idea for several reasons: The original Calculators will obviously be a huge success, and being a huge success means it included a narrative and gameplay mechanics that players really loved - so it's not like it's going to be the same old shit, it just building on the success of the first one and giving the players what they want. Games cost money, and developing new IPs costs money, unlike the rest of the 'lames industry' Calculators 2 is going to build on the best of Calculators 1, and involve a lot of hardwork from a lot of people, and the money it makes will help fund investment in new IPs. So yeah... you're wrong buddy.
ALIENS VS PANDAS
I feel like shooting people is a solid genre of games, we need it. Obviously we've broken some cliches, some old standards with Calculators, and Calculators 2 has improved on the original by miles and the profit from that will allow a company to push ahead and develop new IPs, but people still love shooting things and we need to cater to that. Thus I present Aliens Vs Pandas, a game that revolves around the ancient conflict between two species: Aliens and Pandas... with some guys with guns thrown in for good measure. I mean everybody loves aliens, right? And people either hate or love pandas, so they'll want to shoot or be them in some sort of giant historic battle!!!! And failing that you can be a guy with a gun.