Hey you! Ever played a videogame before...?
Oh yeah, I bet you have. And I bet there were boobies and men with big muscles and everybody was white and you fapped yourself into a frothy mess over how much homogeneity there was.
Well... me too!
But haven't you ever wonder if there might be more to the world? That maybe there's a whole spectrum of colours and characters we never see?
You know what's missing from videogames?
well-written female characters
That's right! Diversity!
And I feel like that's something we should pay more attention to.
Y'know, here at the publicly-funded organisation for gaming justice Foundation for Law and Dolphins
(Nambla for short), things can get pretty hectic, we're pretty technical people.
That's why when we're not shooting hoops or on the phone to major
We're tackling the hard issues that gamers really care about, like Diversity, but without all that funny business about 'detail' and 'making sense' and 'content that isn't libelous', cause those things are silly.
Bottom line: We all know gamers want diversity. The real gamers anyway, not the fake gamers - who also happen to play games just as much as the real gamers but play a type of game that we don't like... cause they're fakers. But the real gamers, they want diversity.
Yeah, THOSE GUYS.
I don't know about you but I can't blame them. I play the same games as everyone else - we see the same white, male, gruff, characters over and over again,
All so boringly white and regular.
Why can't I play as a ridiculously tall person?
Or a black man?
Or a lesbian?
Or an Accountant?
When was the last time any of us ever got to play as a tall, black lesbian woman? - Outside of 'create your own character' games?
Note: I couldn't find any pictures of tall black lesbians so you'll have to settle for a shoe. I'm so sorry ;_;
One area that I think we can all agree videogames have been doing it right for quite awhile now though in terms of diversity is Beards.
Let's face it, Beards are in every season when it comes to big-budget games, and they're representing like there's no tomorrow!
We have Beards here,
and a little stubble here,
oh and a full monkeyman here,
But what if we took beards... TO THE NEXT LEVEL? Yeah, You heard me right. Set Beard diversity all the way to 10:
A beard, within a beard ...within a beard. Possibly within a beard.
Which might be pink.
I have no idea what that would mean, but I've made a mockup anyway:
Imagine how original that character would be.
No longer generic Johnny Joe Army, he'd be ACTION BEARD! - The hero we've been searching for for so long!
But there's something missing... from all these characters.
What if, what if we gave them hats...?
...LOLOLOL. Just kidding, hats are lame.
But seriously though, let's diversify this shit some more.
We've got one last thing to talk about, well two, I kinda lied at the start of the sentence:
Why you no show old people games?!
Why can't grandma stop that alien invasion?! Why can't grandpa solve that mysterious murder case?! Come on, give grandpa or grandma a chance! Let them have some fun for once!
They're not too old, honest!
Give 'em one of those super suits and they'll be alright!
Now that's more like it... but still, something's missing. Grandpa doesn't quite look 'old', something irrepressibly elderly is missing from that picture... yeah, I know! The symbol of old age and casual laziness everywhere:
Yes, that's right folks, if we're ever going to have realistic characters in videogames then we have to lovingly embrace paunched-characters in our clammy mishapen gamer hands.
All the greatest fictional characters in TV had one.
Quincy had one, Jim Rockford had one, hell, even Ironside had one!*
*The one in the wheelchair, not Michael. Though if you've seen the same straight to DVD movie I saw awhile back it looks like he might be investing in a paunchy future of his own.
That's why Ironside never got out of the chair, he was paunch-barrassed.
We're not talking fat here people, fat is already in games, what we need is the slow curving tumbluture of a stomach that's forgotten what the word 'exercise' means, and given in to a free-flowing, bound-less form.
I want my videogame characters to have that 'real life sucks so I've turned to stuffing my face with cake to fill the emotional void' vibe that gives a character a realistic edge; drug dealers who shoot prostitutes with Kalashnikovs? Pff, that's kids' stuff; fake, lame, so unreal nobody would believe it.
Videogame character mass cake consumption is where developers should look to establish that 'realistic edge' that games so desperately need. Why spend dozens of hours modelling titty jiggle that nobody's going to believe in when paunch bounce is right in front of you and the masses are clamouring for it?!
...and I for one wholeheartedly believe that the frothing-at-the-mouth, sex-starved, racist, misogynistic, 5th grade educated bigots who apparently represent the entirely of the target audience of every major publisher, marketing campaign and online harassment policy within the games industry would LOVE to have big tits Ivy replaced with Quincy M.E. paunch extraordinaire in the next Soul Calibur!
'IZ FAPPING SO HARD BECAUSE ITS REALIZM INSTEAD OF A MONSTROUSLY DISTORTED DEPICTION OF THE FEMALE BODY!' - Gaming Idiot
See, he liked it.
So come on videogames... let's be a bit more representative, a bit more inclusive. I for one won't stop until there's a tall, black lesbian woman with a paunch doing some accounting in every game!*
*Might stop for dinner, depends what it is. Just thought you should know.