In the name of not pandering to the evil mainstream and fighting the advent of the site's recently acquired popularity contest nature, I am going to assert all of my nonexistent power over all of the nothing I have authority over and use it all try to make a blog that appeals to absolutely no one except for me.
To put it even more simply, I shall bring forth that which is niche, that which is unknown to most, that which is unheard of to many, and most of all, as much of what I enjoy in as few words as possibull, and I will create a series of words tied together by pictures that will make sense to no one, thus wasting hours of my life for nothing but my own enjoyment.
And so without further delay...
ROW ROW DATED REFERENCE
Wait, I forgot to say what I was actually going to be talking about, didn't I? Okay, let's back up a little, since there actually is going to be a theme here besides a bunch of random nonsense tied together by a theme. As for today's theme, let's see what our options are...
- Fire Emblem
- Kamen Rider
- Harry Potter and the Kickstarters of the Apocalypse
And you chose... Kamen Rider! Man, are you sure that's niche enough, guys? This blog is supposed to be about fighting the power, not giving in and choosing one of the most popular and widely beloved franchises worldwide!
Because it is one of those, after all.
Now, there's a new Kamen Rider series coming out in October, but of course all of you guys know that already, don't you? For all two of the hundreds of people that will see this that aren't informed, I'll fill you in.
If you're wondering about the title, I have realized Kamen Rider sort of sounds like Comeon Rideher if you say it a certain (wrong) way. I then subsequently realized I am not nearly as mature as I thought I was.
So, the new show is called Kamen Rider Ghost. It stars, you guessed it, Kamen Rider Spooky Scary Skeleton Ghost. And Ghost? Ghost sees dead people. He also is dead people. Before even becoming a Kamen Rider, the poor guy gets himself killed! Sucks, right? They should make a video game with a premise somewhat similar to that one. Oh well, that's neither here nor there. Moving on!
Thanks to reasons, after dying, he comes back to life as Kamen Rider Ghost, using the power of an eye-like device that has his soul in it. He can also use other versions of these devices to use the power of the souls of other dead people, "Great Men" specifically, like Robin Hood and Oda Nobunaga and Benkei. One would hope he's not taking the actual eyes of these dead people, but who knows?
So who applies? Oh, you know, heroes, warriors, that kind of thing. His final form will probably be Gilgamesh or Hercules or some other amazing hero... If only there was one of those that was more well known... Oh, sorry! Where was I?
If a Kamen Rider series like the Sengoku era didn't get Koei Tecmo willing to make a Kamen Rider game, a Kamen Rider that actually can be Oda fucking Nobunaga better do the job.
Now where on Earth am I going with this?
You see, dear Destructoiders, on my quest to come up with an absurd blog that would only appeal to me, I came upon this topic:
WHAT DEAD CHARACTERS COULD GHOST USE FOR TRANSFORMATIONS AND HOW WOULD THEY HELP HIM ON HIS QUEST FOR (whatever his quest will be)?
Oh, and about that "warriors" thing... Does Thomas Edison count as a "warrior"? No...? but dat snazzy light bulb face tho!
It's at this point that I offer the obligatory disclaimer: Imma be spoilin' some things in this blog. Rather than individually say which things I'm going to spoil, in turn spoiling this blog, I'll instead simply say that I'll only be using characters whose deaths aren't... really spoilers, either because they die very early on in their source material, are based on real life and thus their death has been spoiled for years, or their death has become an internet meme. If you feel like you still don't want to risk it, feel free to skip this blog!
And with that said, I'm sure some of you can already guess some of the characters I'll be using, so let's move on!
GHOST, BUST HER? BUT I HARDLY KNOW HER!
PIROHIKO "THE UNLOSING RANGER" ICHIMONJI - Zettai Hero Project: Unlosing Ranger vs Darkdeath Evilman
For the first entry of our "non-spoiler" category, we have Pirohiko Ichimonji of Z.H.P.!
Pirohiko is introduced to the player as a superhero who, late to the party, gets hit by a car before he can transform, dying within the first few moments of the game. Tragic! Even more tragic, this game is something of a comedy, so no one really takes this seriously most of the time!
Enough about that guy, though. Just what is it that he could teach an innocent looking lad like Ghost, anyway? For one thing, Pirohiko has already been the mentor of a hero in training before! Perhaps more importantly, though, the Unlosing Ranger is an unlosing ranger in the literal sense: He can't die! He just comes back to life after losing all of the growth he made in life! Tough, sure, but that means he's raring to go again once he comes back.
Perfect for a guy who's already died before, right? No more risks. Or something.
RAMIREZ aka KYORYU CYAN - ZYUDEN SENTAI KYORYUGER
Ramirez is the man, and not just because he's the first ever non-Japanese Super Sentai hero either! Though in case you can't notice, he kind of, you know, is that too. This guy was such a great hero in his life, that after death, he was able to keep on fighting evil as a spirit. With the ability to make big ghost energy hammers with his hands and summon a giant robot ankylosaur with just a battery, how could he not be a great ally for Ghost?
If nothing else, he'll be able to give Ghost a pretty sweet hammer version of his weapon and an in with a Sentai team, so that's a pretty nice upgrade, yeah? And just look at that beard!
Most importantly, though, Ramirez's actor owns a bar in Japan, meaning the underage Ghost would have connections for when it comes time to take a cute zombie girl out on a date.
Speaking of cute zombie girls...
HSIEN-KO - DARKSTALKERS
... who says a "Great Man" has to be a "Great Man"?
If you've played a Darkstalkers game, you probably know how this undead duo could be a great asset to Ghost. If you've played Darkstalkers, you also understand why I said "duo" there, but that's besides the point. With a crazy sized arsenal of even crazier weapons, not to mention the whole "cuteness appeal" thing going on for her that could be a surprising asset against whatever enemies Ghost will likely have to deal with, just imagine how Ghost could make use of having this undead darling on his side.
Better than letting a bad Kamen Rider Comeon and Rideher, right? See how I brought that home?
Think about it! Ghost has a hoodie going for him, so let's give him some long sleeves to match it to fill with some weapons or ten and call it a day with this one, shall we?
RYOKI - SENRAN KAGURA
Now that Ghost has cuteness appeal, it's time to work on sex appeal. (Does he really need either of them, though?)
With a Senran Kagura character on his side, the token Kamen Rider bug eyes will gain pupils that totally aren't the bouncing magical orbs that Senran Kagura is known for, and he might be a little curvier looking if you catch him at the right angle...
With that completing this perfect package, alongside the giant boob shield Ryoki's soul will inevitably give him, Ghost will be able to go into battle without any worry at all! Neither man nor woman will be able to resist his charms, and whatever beasts that do escape them won't be able to penetrade his giant shield anyway!
It's a good thing he brought protection, huh?
PHANTUMP - POKéMON
And who said a Great Man had to be a Great HuMan, huh? Besides, Phantumps actually are (deceased) humans that are possessing tree stumps, so it's not that much of a stretch, is it? Just, you know, a little bit of a mood killer, so let's talk about how awesome this could be before this gets too depressing!
By using a Phantump, not only will he save this little guy from turning into the terrifying Trevenant, but he'll be saving the Phantump. He'll help a little kid that would have otherwise been enslaved, trapped in a ball and forced to do the bidding of some kid, and put him into a magic eye item to help him... do what he... needs to...
So like I wassaying, with Phantump on his side, he'll gain mastery over plants and gain root arms or something! That's pretty cool, right?
LU BU - DYNASTY WARRIORS
Is Lu Bu a good guy? Nope! Is he a Great Man...?
... Well... Not really...
Oh, but if we're going by his video game adaptation, uh... Oh, it means the transformation will have this awesome theme song!
... Not good enough?
Okay, then let's be serious for a second. Sure, Lu Bu isn't a good guy, but who says all of Ghost's forms need to be good guys, strictly? Lu Bu's an ancient warrior with a lot of infamy going for him, and his might could be backed by a berserker ability to match his reputation and personality. It could be a last resort form for Ghost before he gets his inevitable final form, or even a form that's still stronger than that, but so violent that he can't trust what he'll do with it!
Do not pursue (the eye of) Lu Bu!
KAMINA - TENGEN TOPPA GURREN LAGANN
Overhyped? Maybe. Still fitting? Definitely.
Not only would having Kamina's soul on his side give Ghost a healthy dose of hotblood, but it would give his helmet some seriously cool shades on top, a perfect fit for a Kamen Rider if I do say so myself.
I don't think I need to get into too much detail here as far as the benefits of having Kamina's soul might be, but there is one that I think deserves special mention:
See, Kamen Riders don't normally get those, but with Kamina? Fuhgeddabout it! Giant robots, explosions, manly speeches, everything Ghost will need to keep up with the Super Sentai heroes in the obligatory crossover. He can even combine it with that robot dinosaur he'll be getting from KyoryuCyan!
And his sword ain't too bad either.
GANDALF - HARRY POTTER AND THE DEFINITELY ORIGINAL JOKES
At a glance, Albus Dumbledore isn't quite the same kind of Great Man like others listed here, but then again, is Thomas Edison? As anyone who knows their Lord of the Potter canon can tell you, Dumbledalf is one of the toughest cookies around. Not only will Dumbledore help Ghost out by equipping him with an assortment of magic skills, but he'll give his sword magical properties, not to mention he'll turn that sweet hoodie into a sexy wizard robe.
With this, Ghost's sword will ascend to the level of magic sword, become a sword that can become a gun simply by giving it a high five.
Oh, Wizard did that?
I smell a croooossoveeeeer!
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG - HEDGENIC THE SONHOGI
I mean, is there going to be any real argument on this one? People think he's dead, and if he's dead to the public, he's dead. It's not like he hasn't died a couple of times anyway, right?
Now, the real question is this: How can this actually benefit Ghost, you ask? It's pretty simple, really.
See, Kamen Rider Ghost (as in the show, see how I italicized that?) could end up sucking, and it could end up sucking hard. Because of that risk, Toei is going to need a backup plan. For that reason, they can introduce Sonic early on as a WAY PAST COOL transformation that Ghost only uses one time to get some easy toy sales and maybe get a McDonald's deal going or something. They can forget about it as long as sales and ratings are good, but if things look bad... Boom!
Bring in the wise cracking mascot character that people forgot about, call that one time cameo meant to promote a toy foreshadowing, and then sit back and rake in the nostalgia money.
Oh, and I guess he can make Ghost really really fast or something. The helmet could be a cracked Chaos Emerald so it looks like the mono-eye thing too. See? It works! And while we're on the subject here...
MARIO - IT'S A-ME!
Sonic's died in stories before, but Mario? If you think about it...
He dies every time someone plays the game.
That means there are hundreds of thousands of millions of eyeballs with Mario souls in them that Ghost could use!
Am I stretching this a little? Maybe. Is this my blog? You bet it is.
So what is it that Ghost will get from Mario? Another hammer, for starters, but maybe he'll get some nice jumping abilities too. And just imagine, instead of that sweet hoodie, he could have some fine, sweet... overalls.
Actually... On second thought, maybe this wasn't the best idea. Better than a fursuit though, right?
Let's make a rule. No more stretching things from now on. Neeeeeeeeeeeext!
X - MEGA MAN
Hey, X is actually dead. No loopholes even necessary on this one, save for the whole... not exactly being human thing. As of the Mega Man Zero games, X is in this weird state of... not being alive, so that counts enough, I'd say, even if it is in the far future from where Ghost is.
I would say pretty much anyone reading this knows what X could do for Ghost, but really, any Mega Man would be a huge benefit to Ghost, or any Kamen Rider, if you think about it. Not only will Ghost get a sweet suit of robotic armor, but he'll be able to take on the abilities of everyone he defeats in battle without having to hunt down their magic eyeballs.
And lemme tell you, for the protagonist of an episodic series like Kamen Rider, that kind of ability is going to come in handy. Speaking of handy, he might have to give up one of his handies for a buster cannon, but who needs that with a cannon, right?
SON GOKU - DRAGONBALL Z
... What? He's died! He didn't stay dead, but neither did Ghost! Surely there will be some loophole in the context of Kamen Rider Ghost that allows for this!
Just think, with Goku on Ghost's side, that would pretty much be it for their enemies. The hoodie could be upgraded into one of Goku's many snazzy gis, Ghost could trade in his weapons for some hand to hand combat, energy blasts, and even flight. He'd almost be as good as the first form of Kamen Rider Wizard if he trained a little! ... Aw, who am I kidding? With Goku, he could kick Wizard's butt!
And would Goku make for a great final form or what? It wouldn't even be that hard, because Kamen Rider and Dragonball are both owned by Toei!
Huh? This is too much of a stretch? I've pushed it too far this time?
Okay... Okay, fine, you're telling me Goku is no good? Not even for a final form? Not even when it would mean it would turn Ghost's face into a cool little Kamen Rider face that looks like a Dragonball? No? You really won't let me finish here, imaginary person I'm talking to?
Fine. One last serious one before we call it quits then.
SABER - FATE/STAY NIGHT
For those unaware, the Servants of Fate/Stay Night are historical figures who have been called back to the world to fight over the Holy Grail. While Saber's identity is pretty commonly known, out of politeness for all three people in the world who don't know who she is yet, I'd say it's pretty fair to say that her true identity is one that might actually end up in Kamen Rider Ghost down the road, even if Saber herself does not.
Heck, I have half a mind to think that she (or rather, who she's based off of) is going to be Ghost's final form given that choices like Nobunaga and Robin Hood have already been used up!
Buuuut that's enough speculation. What good is Saber as Saber for Ghost?
For one thing? She could turn Ghost into a girl without anyone knowing it when he's using her soul, which could be convenient for... reasons, especially if he and Kamen Rider Specter end up having nice chemistry. On a more serious note, though, amazing magical resistance and an invisible sword are probably really handy things to have in your arsenal, especially when you're in a show with Ghost in the name. Least you can do is even the playing field a little, right?
I'd say with all of these guys and gals keeping an eye out for him, Ghost should probably be able take down any challenge that comes his way. Better yet, I've successfully dealt a blow to the evil Mainstream Empire, with some of their own weapons to boot! Not only that, I've also making yet another one of my patented Offensively Long Blogs! Truly, I am on my way to starting my own empire... of justice, that is!
I don't know about you, imaginary person I've been talking to throughout this blog, but I think I can say that this is mission accomplished, don't you?
There's just one thing left to do...