So here's the deal,

I hate my nose.

There, I said is. I hate the little fucker. He turned me into a mouth breather, he's always stuffed up. and the worst part about it is, it's all an act!



Yep, it's aaaaaaaaall BS. I finally figured him out. I had never thought about it before, but the angular little prick is actually working against me. Being allergy ridden I can forgive, but my entire life he's just been doing it to piss me off, and that, I cannot abide.

So basically, since I was shot ever so violently out of the womb, I've had these nasty allergies. Anything with fur, peanuts, and like 90% of any part of nature will reduce me to a sniffling, sneezing, coughing mess. Even as I type this, the Vancouver spring air has left me with only limited use of a single nostril. And because of this, I breathe almost exclusively through my mouth, and it makes me look real stupid. If my attention is directed anywhere but directly at the position of my jaw, it will just loll open (no pun intended) and sit there, making this unholy gasping sound that the universe has decided can be heard from across a fucking football field, and exclusively by attractive women.

Not only has this little trepidation left me mostly unnatractive to the opposite sex, it has actually physically altered my body. All those 18.something years of air particles slamming into the back of my front teeth have pushed them out at some jaunty-ass angle, and they look terrible.


Thank god this picture is hyperbole

So not only has this triangle-cut sandwich in the middle of my face ruined my sex life, it has also cost my parents thousands in dental and orthodontic bills.

Let's just recap, shall we? It annoys me, it repulses women, it alters my physical anatomy, it costs my family thousands of dollars, and oh yeah, I almost forgot, IT'S ALL BULLSHIT!

So yeah, back to the part about it all being an act. Naturally, my nose is almost constantly running. Sometimes he grows a pair, admits defeat, and sneezes. It is here, in the culmination of his weakness, that I caught him. Did you ever wonder why when you're stuffed up and you sneeze, your head doesn't look like the open arm socket of a man who just beat a wookie in Dejarik?


Nerd Cred: I did not have to look up the name of this game in my 3 volume Star Wars encyclopedia

No, the answer is not a bacta tank, it's because, of their own free will, your sinuses or nostrils or whatever open and allow the sneeze to come out at over 100 mph. So while I suffer with congestion and a general lack of ability to breath through my nose, wich is always, the porous bastard has had the ability to end my suffering.

While this does seem pretty terrible, by far the worst part is that the universe decided that it would be fair to give this malicious organ the ability to disable my favourite of all senses: taste. So, until they find a way to artificially wire my sense of taste from my tongue straight to my brain without a stop at my nose, I will just have to live with him.

But when they do, you better believe the bastard's days are numbered. Hopefully they will accomplish this task by the time I die, so I can watch my nose burn on a very special level of hell, a level they reserve for child molesters, and people who talk at the theatre.



~Om nom nom nom...