The Wall of Teeth

I collect things. I really like collecting things. Things with stories. Things with character. Things that sing to my early morning breakfast heart. A few years back I was at a friend’s house and I saw his old dental impressions sitting in a box. I took them out and held them in my hand. Running my finger over the teeth, they felt smooth and cold and slightly chalky. My heart sang. I offered my friend a six pack of beer but he had to refuse. His mom would kill him if he got rid of them. Stupid moms and their stupid attachments to their children. Seriously, if it wasn’t for a mom’s need to keep every article and artifact of their child’s formative years, do you have any idea how many baby teeth I would have by now? A lot. Maybe enough to fulfill my dream of having a mason jar full of teeth. Oh well, one day.

So dtoid user gennhaver and I have bonded over a mutual love of teeth. She’s studying to be a dentist, I want to keep teeth in a glass jar and imagine they are my dreams. Win/win, right? A while back she posted a blog saying that she had sent me a package. That package arrived. The following is what took place. Enjoy.





The thing I love about sending and receiving packages is they are so full of potential. Oh sure you have an idea of what’s in there but you never really know. Its that excitement that scrambles my eggs. So Dorothy Parker puppet hands me my knife.





I love my knife. Fun fact: its is a butterfly knife that I bought it a long time ago. When I was in school, I used to walk around my apartment reading my notes and flipping/unflipping this thing. It was a good thinking tool for me. Still is. So while I don’t actively collect bladed objects, I do fully support them.





I open the package to see this:





A lovely towel set that would fit right in at a crime scene or a prom bathroom birth. The towel is just cushioning for the dental loveliness inside but I’m so using those. Hand towels are one of those items you can just never ever have enough of.





The package displayed in all its glory. And my cat. Katchoo was a little pissy because I had found something to love way more than her. After a can of tuna and a long talk in which we chain smoked and said some things we shouldn’t have, we are once again ill at ease with one another. So not only did I get 11 pieces to add to my wall of teeth, I also got a lovely note and a drawing from Dtoid tv’s own Max Scoville. This was icing on the cake. Or should I say enamel on the teef.





I like to think the creature is my inner child. The teef are the emotional baggage and the act of brushing is a cleansing sob naked atop a verdant hill as the sun crests and bathes me in light.





Dorothy Parker puppet played with the teeth. Of course being a puppet and not having teeth she wanted to try them on. They weren’t a great fit but we pretended she was eating ruffage and chewing with molars and it was a lovely time.





Dorothy Parker puppet made herself a crown of teeth, which, while lovely, was unsettling.





Dorothy decided to have a moment and grabbed my knife and air pistol from me. She waved them around, demanding I “lick the sin off her” which was rather unlady like. I was able to calm her down by singing Elton John songs until she joined in (2nd chorus of Daniel always gets her) and we proceeded to have a lovely sing-a-long. After things had calmed down we added the dental impressions to my collection and looked upon the good we had made.







It feels good to be surrounded by the things that make my heart sing. I have the most wonderful day dreams of dozens upon dozens of these things all lined up, rows of lipless smiles whispering secret truths to me as I listen to music and take stock in everything that makes me feel happy. As a collector, it feels good to bring these things home and give them a place of honor on my shelf. As a man who believes in the greater good, I am ecstatic to finally begin working on my scale model of the Tower of Babylon. It’s rough and certainly a work in progress, but I think it’s got potential.





So Jenn, my sincerest thanks for indulging me in my strange collection. I will cherish these and as my collection grows at an even pace with my eccentricity, I will always be thankful for what you did for me.