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destructoid  Resplendent Black Grandmother

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Occams avatar 2:41 PM on 01.16.2011  (server time)
Occams Shelves

I have acquired things. Such wonderful things and I would like to share them with you. I want to show you, my digital brethren, the things I have and in turn have me.

First off, we have my Last Rites Kit. (aka Gertrude aka Snappa Dee aka Rap Mogul Ice Maxi Paddle)

I am a collector of all manner of things religious so when I happened upon this at a thrift store, I squealed and pulled it close to my heart in the hope that it would share with me its secrets. Apparently an older woman was in the store yesterday asking about the kit but that bitch can go sleep forever in an Indian burial ground. This shit is mine. I love most all peoples but I will reverse the knee cap of anyone who tries to take my thrift store finds.

Next we have my shelves. A swirling mass of pop culture, sexual deviances, and cherished mementos. It is as it should be.

Note the bat from Carlsbad Caverns. It is my Excalibur. Found it in a barrel of golf clubs at a Goodwill and much like Sweeny Todd finding his razor, now my arm is complete. I spin it like a white boy ninja whenever I need to pace and think. I carry it with me when I take out the trash so that they neighbors continue to think I am insane. There are objects that you find and then there are objects that find you. This one found me.

Here is what I have come to call Tooth Corner. My small but growing tooth collection is quickly becoming a joyful obsession in my tiny little juice box of a world. I have some friends’ teeth, a cat tooth, a stranger’s tooth and a fake tooth. The thing I love about these teeth is that each and every one of them has a story. They have…history. They mean something and were a part of someone or something. That’s fucking powerful and brilliant to me. Also, I will have a mason jar full of teeth one day and I will shake it in order to summon voodoo spirits.

Shelf 2. It’s controlled chaos, I swear. Crazy Jesus eyes, skeksi, cenobite-esque. Garbage Pail Kids, cigarette man, Chinese food. Its a fine balance of emotional scars, pop culture, vulgarity and viscera that sings to my riveted bottle cap heart. See the mini-nativity with the McDonald’s fries in it? ISN’T THAT DEEP AND THOUGHT PROVOKING? Heh, everyone I show my shelves (see: no one) thinks I’m trying to make a statement but really, the fries would stand up well there. Go figure. The geisha head made out of naked women was purchased at the French Market in New Orleans from an ancient Chinese man that I’m fairly certain was Kirin. I think this is from a style of art décor that pretty much took naked women and made them into objects and people. Really though, I just know that it was $5 and its brilliant.

Fun fact: See that metal ring on the nativity baby Jesus made of bees wax? That’s a nipple ring from an old college girlfriend. It makes a lovely halo for wax baby Jesus. That is what we call a win/win situation in my book.

Next up is my dental impression collection. My sister gave me hers for Christmas. Bless her shredded wheat heart. I love these because no one else does. So if you have a set and don’t want them, send them to me. I’ll trade you things for them. I wish these were easier to find because a room full of these would be awesome. The rubber Russian wrestler looks fearsome and sad at the same time. Like he’s making some kind of “Grrrrrr, wrestling” pose but you get just the slightest hint of “if you hug me, I’ll break down into tears” in it as well.

This is my Dexter-esque box filled with blood slides and tumor samples. It was a gift from a friend’s fiancée who works in a bio lab that was being renovated. I adore it. She knows of my tastes so she pulled this for me. Bitch kept the Geiger counter though but I can’t complain too much. This is the same woman who gave me Pris, my sleepy jar kitty so yeah, I pretty much owe her for life.

This is the Bioshock Big Daddy doll Sarah gave me for Christmas. A lovely thing given to me by a lovely person for my room full of lovely things. Lovely.

This is the living room. If you ever play a game with me online, this is where I am. So Andy, adjust your short stories accordingly. The fella with the hate eyes is my buddy Mike. He threw his keys at me for taking this picture. But Mike’s not here right now. So I’ll post this and Mike can go terrorize the Romanian countryside with his big lumbering ass. Also included is the back of Sarah’s head. I tried to take a picture of her but she is shy and I was interrupting her game of Final Fantasy XIII so after dodging her third cock punch, I gave up. Oh and Sarah is apparently digging Final Fantasy XIII but this being her first Final Fantasy may have something to do with that.

So my digital brethren, this has been some of the things and stuff that make my heart sing and my eyes bulge. Thanks for looking and reading and generally putting up with the worst Disney ride ever that I call a life. Hope you all have a lovely day.

Nun pin + chest hair + horse snow globe = I am a Brett Easton Ellis character apparently.

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