Hello all. How have you been? I’ve been busy. Not that good kind of “THE SWORD IS ALMOST COMPLETE” kind of busy but that “I need that report by tomorrow morning” kind of busy. Oh well, that’s what happens sometimes when you grow up. So all of you should take a cue from your religious puppet theatre director Occam and never ever grow up. Or if you do, win the lottery or find a power ring or some shit. That’ll help. Any who, I played some games and did some stuff so let’s take this journey together, shall we?

El Shaddai



I was intrigued by this based on the visuals alone. Take some religious themes, throw in some Japanese surrealist art, mix in a lovely soundtrack and you pretty much have cat nip for people like me. Then Jonathan Holmes’ review made me want to play it even more. Gamefly sent it and I played it and I ended up adoring it. The combat can be frustrating at times as the enemies can be brutal and the platform jumping will make you want to drown the world in horse semen. However, for every moment of me stabbing my crucifix knife into the coffee table out of rage, I’d have many moments where I did this:



So if you like beautiful, weird shit this game is for you.


Warhammer 40K: Space Marine



So many moons ago, back before grunge and the internet and real dolls, I played the table top version of Warhammer 40K. I think I played maybe two games total with my Space Wolf army before moving onto to jamming out with pogs at the mall but I kept up with the lore of that universe. The video games released over the years have kept me interested and hopeful for a proper Warhammer 40K game. Not to knock squad based stuff, it’s a hoot but I’m more of a “chainsword to the crotch” kinda player than any kind of tactician. So when I saw that they were making a Warhammer game focusing on chainswording things in the crotch, I was stoked. (Aside: stoked is a weird word.)



So Gamefly sent me the game, I popped it in and found myself moderately entertained. It was a treat to use a chainsword and a thunder hammer to smash and kill orcs and chaos marines but it felt kind of predictable at times. The plot was decent enough and moved the action along. The combat was gorey and bloody and fun though the fact that you take damage while doing those kill moves was a fucking annoyance. At the end of the game I found myself not elated as I hoped to be but certainly wanting more. Here’s to hoping the sequel fixes a few issues and adds in heavy assault armor because lightning claws make my machine god heart swell.


Deus Ex: Human Revolution



I dream, my friends. I dream of all sorts of things. Clown cones. Lisa Frank erotica. Chinese buffets. One such dream I have is punching through a wall, grabbing some guy by the neck and snapping it like a Slim Jim. In Deus Ex I was able to live out that dream. Often. I broke sooooo many necks after punching through walls and each time I did, I swear it felt like my mind was getting the hug my father still refuses to give me. Moving past the elation of wall punch-neck break-father hug triumvirate, I found the game to be a real hoot. The world was vivid and rich (especially China which is fucking playing Bladerunner) and I never grew bored with the combat or setting. My only complaint, of which there are two are the endings and the boss fights. I won’t rehash the boss fight complaint, better writers than me have written about it. The endings, however, I felt were kinda bullshit.

SPOILER I GUESS I DUNNO IM NOT REALLY GIVING ANYTHING AWAY BUT ILL LEAVE THIS WARNING HERE. THE PART OF THE GOBLIN KING IN LABYRINTH WAS WRITTEN SPECIFICALLY FOR DAVID BOWIE SO THERE’S YOUR FUN FACT FOR TODAY. It was more of this esoteric monologue that was all “oh man, the future, kooky shit!” rather than actually telling me about what happened to the characters. I really wanted to see what happened to Adam and everyone else after the events that took place in the game and those endings felt more like a cop out than any kind of satisfying conclusion. SPOILERS OVER YALL CAN READ AGAIN.

Despite these two complaints, I found myself craving this game. It was engaging, engrossing, and engorged my mind boner with thought blood. I can’t recommend it enough if you like cyberpunk, sneaky games, wall punching-neck breaking-father hugging, or science fiction in general.


Dead Island



I also recently beat Dead Island. Now I'm a little burnt out on zombies in pop culture, especially those fast running zombies. However, I gave Dead Island a try because I liked the idea of an open world and the RPG elements and the lush, tropical setting would be something new. I played as the rapper from New Orleans Sam B who's rap song, "Who Do You Voodoo, Bitch?" became my battle cry whenever I had to give my cat a bath. I ended up spending 40 hours in a thoroughly enjoyable, exsquisitely frustrating game that offered some of the best and worst moments of gaming I have played this year. The combat, when it clicks, is awesome. Smashing a zombie's head to pulp with a sledgehammer feels so good and right it makes me want to start a religion based around it.

However, the fact that you can't break an attack animation when a zombie (especially the super fast infected type) starts to attack you means that you will take a lot of unnecessary damage. The game is also glitchy and the textures pop in every time you change areas but I found these flaws to be endearing after a while, like a three-legged dog wearing a bow tie. My biggest pet peeve about the game and one of my biggest pet peeves in the waking world is something insidious and terrible and common. Yes, that's right folks, sun visors.



I hate getting a flat tire. I hate the fact that I'm the only one who seems to notice that Paula Deen is some kind of Babylonian Ham demon. What I feel for sun visors is almost beyond the capacity of language to describe. If you could take my soul and craft it into a some kind of spear and plunge it into the heart of God, the scream that would be emitted would be the title of the book I would write about my feelings on sun visors. So when I began to notice that many of the zombies in Dead Island were wearing sun visors, I knew what I had to do. My sledgehammer shattered skulls and pulverized face of hundreds of them. It was God's work. So try this game out if you like open worlds and zombies and fucking hate sun visors.


Final Thoughts



After some soul searching and bud light lime, I have come to the conclusion that Super Mario Bros 2 is my favorite Mario game. Now I know its not technically a Mario game but I think that's why I like it. It’s a strange beast of a game, having very little to do with Mario lore (I just realized Mario lore exists, much the same way ham and cheese hot pockets are out there, being a thing) and more to do with evil mice and hermaphrodite dinosaurs and the evil, vegetable hating Wart. It’s a fever dream of a game and its always had a special place in my video game childhood.




I have recently discovered the existence of NASCAR romance novels. This makes my café au lait heart swell near to bursting with joy. Look at the couple on the cover. What are they staring at? I like to think its a plate of corn dogs. The combination of driving fast and turning left with passionate embraces and heavy petting is not something I will easily forget.

So with that I will end our time together. Thank you for taking this journey with me. I appreciate your time and hope that you have a lovely day.