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Occams's blog
destructoid  Resplendent Black Grandmother

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Occams avatar 2:06 PM on 08.24.2010  (server time)
I had mail.

Puerto Rican hip hop superstar and Dtoider Corduroy Turtle sent me a package for winning a contest. Now due to the fact that I rarely win anything because of my biting problem I was pleased and excited to receive this glorious piece of mail.

Now I knew what it was. I was informed prior to its shipment that I won. However, in my mind, in my imaginings, it was the soul of Jean Benet.

Oh my stars and garters it’s a copy of Aliens vs Predator: Extinction for the xbox gaming console. This has been on my list of games to acquire without using money for quite some time. Now it sits proudly on my shelf, never to be played but semi-regularly to be admired.

Now dear friends not only did I receive a game that I somewhat wanted. I also received bonus gifts. A handwritten note addressed to me. Such perfect handwriting. The curve of your S. The deft strokes you no doubt used for your T’s….it took my breath away. Also, I was informed that the game disc was scratched and the manual was missing. Never before has bad news made me this sexually aroused.

Speaking of sex, Corduroy Turtle passed along fellow Dtoider and 2010 Cracker Barrel poet laureate Mrandydixon’s note. With his crass, vulgar drawing and erratic, almost schizophrenic handwriting, I can only imagine Andy to be some sort of force of nature, like a living fart who has one of those awful horn things they had at the world cup.

My life is a shallow thing. Imagine an icee cup sitting alone in a Circle K parking lot. What few fetid drops of ice that are left glisten like the tears of an angel reflecting off face of God under the harsh store light. That is my life. Cold. Alone. Discarded. However this game, which I consider to be a sign of Corduroy Turtle and my self’s union as one, brought me hope and happiness and true joy. So, I celebrated.

So with a head full of ice crystal dreams and a console library just a bit more swolt I leave you, my good reader with the knowledge that the community here on Destructoid is a truly wonderful thing. Corduroy, thank you so much for giving me your cast offs. I can still smell the Axe Body Spray you left on the note just for me. Katchoo and I love you all always and forever. But today, Corduroy, we love you just a wee bit more.

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