I feel like I need to warn you. NeverDead was recently released for consoles and it’s bad. Very bad. I’m talking changing uncle Pete’s diaper bad. I Gamefly’d it hoping for a fun if somewhat silly action game where I shot and chopped demons to bits. The previews I had seen looked interesting and between the dismemberment mechanic and Sangria, the poncey frogbirdladyman demon antagonist, I was fairly stoked to try this out. So imagine my horror when I started to play it and it was terrible. I played for an hour and a half then put it back in the gamefly envelope and mailed it back this morning. So I’ve come here to warn you the best way I know how: random pictures and words. Godspeed.










The life warmth between your grandmother’s legs suddenly going cold.





Being trapped in a Bath and Body Works. Forever.





Your mother wearing a jean jacket with the word “fingerblast” bedazzled on the back.





Fred Durst’s cover of Behind Blue Eyes.





Klhoe Kardashian's new body spray called "Upper Lip".





NeverDead is a sad and broken thing, like a baby coffin filled with wedding rings from a pawn shop. Avoid it. There are better games to play and better ways to spend your time. Nier is flawed but has a brilliant story and an amazing soundtrack. Alpha Protocol has a certain, three legged dog-esque charm. These are games that fell below the radar for the most part but have something going for them that surpasses their weaknesses. I can embrace the beauty of a flawed game. They always remind me of enjoying the Puppet Master movies as a kid. However, a bad bad game, where its pretty much just a visual representation of your parents' sex noises...I can't fully support that.

My mind is a piece of bologna with a cigarette put out on it. In the spirit of that statement and all that it implies, I give you my year in video games in haiku form, Oh, quick aside, thank you to everyone who took my creepy beardless dead face and made images out of it. It's one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me and I'm including that time my uncle saved me from that barn fire.





El Shaddai
Gorgeous and surreal.
Like eating out a muppet.
Its frustrating.

Batman: Arkham City
Property values
Surrounding Arkham City
Must have plummeted.

Skyrim
My big warhammer
Is made of evil metal
Occupy Skyrim

Rage
I met John Goodman
We talked about the future
The future was lame.





Deux Ex: Human Revolution
Cyber Punk is neat.
Punching through a wall is awesome.
Don’t ask me to sneak.

Brink
Hahahahaha.
Hahahahahahaha.
Hahahaha No.

Dead Island
I’m a rapper, dawg.
So I’m good with blunt weapons.
That makes sense to me.

Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine
I need a chainsword.
I need it so damn badly.
I would fix the world.





Shadows of the Damned
What about the man?
Garcia and his demons.
A Boner dreaming.

Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions
Why did I play this?
Spider-Man killed Jean Benet.
It’s so obvious.

L.A. Noire
This game featured a
Whole lot of dead black junkies
Makes you think a bit.

Portal 2
This game was way smart.
Velociraptor attack!
Whispers clever girl.





F.E.A.R. 3
Masturbating with
Pantene Pro V and
Crying forever

Dead Space 2
Maybe I’m crazy?
Skittering things creep by me.
Open your eye wide.

Dragon Age II
Talking to your dad
While he sits in the bathroom
Where was I born Dad?

Final Fantasy XIII
You don’t have to try
So hard to be beautiful
You are pretty mom.





I hope your year went well and that you played some fun games and had a few laughs. It was another fine year of being a member on Destructoid and I'm damn proud of the site. Thank you all for helping to make this e-house my e-home. Have a safe and happy holidays. Now go hug someone you love and think about opening a present early.

Dear recapper: I understand if you fail this. You do what you must just I have done what I felt I needed to do.

To Montgomery Albatross Ayn Randy Gimme a Handy Dixon:

You are our friend.





You are our compatriot.





You are an asset to Destructoid and help make this e-house and e-home for so many of us.





Some of us have had the privilege of knowing you intimately.





Boner.





You are 30.





But I prefer to think of you as two 15-year-old Tool fans duct taped together.





Black Jesus bless you.

Hello all. How have you been? I’ve been busy. Not that good kind of “THE SWORD IS ALMOST COMPLETE” kind of busy but that “I need that report by tomorrow morning” kind of busy. Oh well, that’s what happens sometimes when you grow up. So all of you should take a cue from your religious puppet theatre director Occam and never ever grow up. Or if you do, win the lottery or find a power ring or some shit. That’ll help. Any who, I played some games and did some stuff so let’s take this journey together, shall we?

El Shaddai



I was intrigued by this based on the visuals alone. Take some religious themes, throw in some Japanese surrealist art, mix in a lovely soundtrack and you pretty much have cat nip for people like me. Then Jonathan Holmes’ review made me want to play it even more. Gamefly sent it and I played it and I ended up adoring it. The combat can be frustrating at times as the enemies can be brutal and the platform jumping will make you want to drown the world in horse semen. However, for every moment of me stabbing my crucifix knife into the coffee table out of rage, I’d have many moments where I did this:



So if you like beautiful, weird shit this game is for you.


Warhammer 40K: Space Marine



So many moons ago, back before grunge and the internet and real dolls, I played the table top version of Warhammer 40K. I think I played maybe two games total with my Space Wolf army before moving onto to jamming out with pogs at the mall but I kept up with the lore of that universe. The video games released over the years have kept me interested and hopeful for a proper Warhammer 40K game. Not to knock squad based stuff, it’s a hoot but I’m more of a “chainsword to the crotch” kinda player than any kind of tactician. So when I saw that they were making a Warhammer game focusing on chainswording things in the crotch, I was stoked. (Aside: stoked is a weird word.)



So Gamefly sent me the game, I popped it in and found myself moderately entertained. It was a treat to use a chainsword and a thunder hammer to smash and kill orcs and chaos marines but it felt kind of predictable at times. The plot was decent enough and moved the action along. The combat was gorey and bloody and fun though the fact that you take damage while doing those kill moves was a fucking annoyance. At the end of the game I found myself not elated as I hoped to be but certainly wanting more. Here’s to hoping the sequel fixes a few issues and adds in heavy assault armor because lightning claws make my machine god heart swell.


Deus Ex: Human Revolution



I dream, my friends. I dream of all sorts of things. Clown cones. Lisa Frank erotica. Chinese buffets. One such dream I have is punching through a wall, grabbing some guy by the neck and snapping it like a Slim Jim. In Deus Ex I was able to live out that dream. Often. I broke sooooo many necks after punching through walls and each time I did, I swear it felt like my mind was getting the hug my father still refuses to give me. Moving past the elation of wall punch-neck break-father hug triumvirate, I found the game to be a real hoot. The world was vivid and rich (especially China which is fucking playing Bladerunner) and I never grew bored with the combat or setting. My only complaint, of which there are two are the endings and the boss fights. I won’t rehash the boss fight complaint, better writers than me have written about it. The endings, however, I felt were kinda bullshit.

SPOILER I GUESS I DUNNO IM NOT REALLY GIVING ANYTHING AWAY BUT ILL LEAVE THIS WARNING HERE. THE PART OF THE GOBLIN KING IN LABYRINTH WAS WRITTEN SPECIFICALLY FOR DAVID BOWIE SO THERE’S YOUR FUN FACT FOR TODAY. It was more of this esoteric monologue that was all “oh man, the future, kooky shit!” rather than actually telling me about what happened to the characters. I really wanted to see what happened to Adam and everyone else after the events that took place in the game and those endings felt more like a cop out than any kind of satisfying conclusion. SPOILERS OVER YALL CAN READ AGAIN.

Despite these two complaints, I found myself craving this game. It was engaging, engrossing, and engorged my mind boner with thought blood. I can’t recommend it enough if you like cyberpunk, sneaky games, wall punching-neck breaking-father hugging, or science fiction in general.


Dead Island



I also recently beat Dead Island. Now I'm a little burnt out on zombies in pop culture, especially those fast running zombies. However, I gave Dead Island a try because I liked the idea of an open world and the RPG elements and the lush, tropical setting would be something new. I played as the rapper from New Orleans Sam B who's rap song, "Who Do You Voodoo, Bitch?" became my battle cry whenever I had to give my cat a bath. I ended up spending 40 hours in a thoroughly enjoyable, exsquisitely frustrating game that offered some of the best and worst moments of gaming I have played this year. The combat, when it clicks, is awesome. Smashing a zombie's head to pulp with a sledgehammer feels so good and right it makes me want to start a religion based around it.

However, the fact that you can't break an attack animation when a zombie (especially the super fast infected type) starts to attack you means that you will take a lot of unnecessary damage. The game is also glitchy and the textures pop in every time you change areas but I found these flaws to be endearing after a while, like a three-legged dog wearing a bow tie. My biggest pet peeve about the game and one of my biggest pet peeves in the waking world is something insidious and terrible and common. Yes, that's right folks, sun visors.



I hate getting a flat tire. I hate the fact that I'm the only one who seems to notice that Paula Deen is some kind of Babylonian Ham demon. What I feel for sun visors is almost beyond the capacity of language to describe. If you could take my soul and craft it into a some kind of spear and plunge it into the heart of God, the scream that would be emitted would be the title of the book I would write about my feelings on sun visors. So when I began to notice that many of the zombies in Dead Island were wearing sun visors, I knew what I had to do. My sledgehammer shattered skulls and pulverized face of hundreds of them. It was God's work. So try this game out if you like open worlds and zombies and fucking hate sun visors.


Final Thoughts



After some soul searching and bud light lime, I have come to the conclusion that Super Mario Bros 2 is my favorite Mario game. Now I know its not technically a Mario game but I think that's why I like it. It’s a strange beast of a game, having very little to do with Mario lore (I just realized Mario lore exists, much the same way ham and cheese hot pockets are out there, being a thing) and more to do with evil mice and hermaphrodite dinosaurs and the evil, vegetable hating Wart. It’s a fever dream of a game and its always had a special place in my video game childhood.




I have recently discovered the existence of NASCAR romance novels. This makes my café au lait heart swell near to bursting with joy. Look at the couple on the cover. What are they staring at? I like to think its a plate of corn dogs. The combination of driving fast and turning left with passionate embraces and heavy petting is not something I will easily forget.

So with that I will end our time together. Thank you for taking this journey with me. I appreciate your time and hope that you have a lovely day.

Hello. It’s been a while. Aside: You know every time I hear that phrase I think of that Staind song. I guess God really is in the details. Anywho, I played some games, bought an arm, and rearranged my shelves. I have pictures. Would you care to see them? Let’s take a walk together, shall we?



I don’t get his weird eye patch either but don’t let that turn you away from the game.


I am currently playing Nier. I Gamefly’d this a while back and hated it. Absolutely loved the soundtrack but the tedious side missions, jerky combat and trouble navigating the map turned me off to it. So I sent it back and forgot about it for a while. Then I found a copy for $7 and figured eh, its worth it for the soundtrack alone (seriously one the best soundtracks to come out in years) so I picked it up. Finally got around to playing again and ran into the same problems. Then I decided I would stop doing the side missions and just stick to the main story. That was the key. I now find myself engrossed in this surprisingly touching story about a father trying to save his daughter. Add in a colorful cast of characters, proper voice acting and some incredible boss fights and I really can see why people would praise this game. It’s got some issues but learning to work around them and have patience and you will find a brilliant game that is well worth your time. Even the once dreaded side missions have become much easier due to a better understanding of the world and being an OCD gamer when it comes to resource collecting.




I’ve also been playing the Rusty Hearts beta. It’s a beat ‘em up MMORPG which has to be one of the most brilliant ideas ever. Being a child of the arcades, beat ‘em ups are a favored genre of mine so any time I get a chance to play a new one, I’m all over it. Rusty Hearts takes the beat ‘em up genre, throws in some light role playing elements, throws in some MMORPG stuff like crafting items and an auction house and what you get is a game that’s very easy to pick up and play and a lot of fun. My character, Tude, is a guy with essentially a hell arm that he can outfit with different claws and gauntlets so he can punch evil things to death. Very typical anime thing and I love it. There’s also a vampire guy and a witch girl but I tend to go with the slower, hitty characters over the faster swordy ones so I can’t really speak to how they play. As it is a beta it can be somewhat glitchy at times and I have been kicked from the game a few times due to a server error. For the most part though, its stable and a real hoot to play. Plus, you can go solo if you want which I love. I have yet to join a party (yeah, I’m that kind of MMO player) and I couldn’t be happier. If Destructoid still has any beta codes you should go ahead and grab one.


I bought an arm. It’s not a real arm, or at least its not flesh and bone. You can’t buy those. Legally. This is a prosthetic arm that I picked up in an antique shop. Everyone I encounter in the waking world hates it. That may have something to do with the fact that I am constantly offering them handjobs with it.





This is my best find in quite some time and I need to work on getting a mannequin so I can outfit it with this.


So I decided to rearrange my shelves. I own lots of things. Sadly, I don’t have enough room to display them all. In a perfect world I’d like to convert a small church into one giant display room for all my acquisitions. Of course in a perfect world I’m also a sassy black grandmother so we shall see. Anywho, here are some photos of my newly rearranged shelves. I hope you like them.




I moved the wall of teeth to the top shelf in order to better highlight my turn of the century baby doll. I also dressed her up a bit with a skinned wolf face and a stethoscope. I’ll never have kids but I’ll always have her.




I recently picked up that badass Marvel Select Juggernaut figure which is easily heavy enough to kill a baby. Easily. Sitting in front of him is my mystery toy from the late 70’s which I love even if I have no clue what he is from. He has a mini bible key chain resting in his lap as he is very guilty. Its all sparkly condensed milk love after that with saint statues, a skeksi, some Macfarlane toys back from when the company was worth a damn, and head spider from the Thing.




Continuing our tour of my shattered Orange Julius mind, you will see my Mr. Destructoid bobble head which I adore. You will also see my gas mask and Phrenology head which is my third favorite birthday present of all time. Please also note Beetlejuice and the tiny bust of the geisha made up of tiny naked geisha. Found that in New Orleans at the French Market. That was a good day for me.




At the end of the shelf we find part of my Bioshock collection with a Big Daddy, a Little Sister, and the lovely Better Homemaker splicer. Seriously a rolling pin and a tommy gun? That’s fucking delightful. Blue tin toy robot and wind up smoked salmon sushi watch over my baby Jesus from the nativity scene who is made of bees wax. Fun fact: I collect baby Jesuseseseses from nativity scenes. I have almost 40 of them but this is my absolute favorite.




For my last shelf I wanted to place the more fragile things. So of course its where I keep all my animal parts. In the jars is a dog eye (Doberman, I believe), some dog testicles, and my pride and joy, the apple of my eye and the song in my heart, Pris.



She’s a bit shy.


Pris was gifted to me a few years ago by a friend’s girlfriend who was working on her PhD in genetics and was aware that I collected all manner of things. She came across Pris in her lab. It saddened me to see a dead kitten as I have a fondness for cats that borders on creepy but I have cherished her over the years and make an effort to proudly display her where ever I am living. As for the rest of the shelf, my Last Rites kit, some personal mementos and calf leg letter opener all sit patiently waiting for me to command them to kill in my name.




Jabba the Hutt is one of my favorite Star Wars toys ever. Of course being a child of small hands and a large mind I buried my original in the front yard in the hopes that future generations would discover this secret plastic joy and know the love I felt in my heart. Many moons later I found this guy sitting in a comic shop for $15. That’s a good deal any way you cut it so now I have him back in my life. Plus now Jabba can be the belle of the ball with this GIT-ER-DONE lighter that, I shit you not, screams the titular phrase whenever you open the lighter. I once used the lighter to wake a friend of mine up from a deep sleep and in retaliation he stabbed me in the thigh with a pen knife.




I must be in a Star Wars mood lately because I needed my Rancor Monster next to Jabba. He sits in silent vigil over my tooth corner where I am slowly but surely amassing enough teeth to fill a mason jar. Above the Rancor is my Eve Hypo which no matter how many times I jab into my arm, will only light up and not, in fact, rewrite my DNA to give my powers.




Finally we come to my book shelf. It’s a tiny surface so I decided that Cthulhu Horrorclix statue, Walrus man from WoW and my octopus belt buckle would do nicely there.

Thank you for taking this journey with me. I hope you have enjoyed looking at my things as much as I have enjoyed showing you. Now I will leave you with my favorite Punisher comic cover of all time.



Have a lovely day.

Oh my. Summer moves forward with a creeping warmth like the sound of leather moving across skin as your uncle unbuckles his belt. Have I mentioned how much I hate the Summer? It’s so hot. Speaking of hot, our beloved fluffer et all Marshal Mathers Ran So Far Away Dixon is now officially badass. We all knew it, but now our little Boner Meister has a title.




I think I’ll discuss some games now. Won’t you take this journey with me?


Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions



As most of you know, I hate Spider-Man. Let’s ignore the fact that he so obviously killed Jean Benet. Let’s look past the years of sexually abusing homeless babies. His greatest sin in my yellowed smokey marble eyes is that he is a poon. I read somewhere that the medical officer who did the autopsy on Osama Bin Laden found a Spider-Man tattoo on his hip.

Now that I have brought truth to power, I have to say, the Spider-Man game wasn’t complete shit. My favorite world was Ultimate Spider-Man because it was more combat focused and I like the symbiote suit. My least favorite was Spider-Man Noir because stealth bores me and Spider-Man bores me. So every time I had to play a noir level it felt like I had just unplugged grandpa’s feeding tube and now was flipping through a two year old issue of Redbook waiting for the end so I could go get some chicken tenders.

Well Occam, if you hate Spider-Man why did you play the game?

Good question. I guess it was a combination of morbid curiosity and boredom. I’m glad I tried it just as a reminder that Spider-Man is still awful even after all these years.


L.A. Noire



I had high hopes going into this game and when I finally finished it, I was glad to have played it and kinda disappointed. The facial animations were certainly amazing and I think that this technology is the beginning of something wonderful for video games. However, it still looks like the faces are quasi floating on the heads but I think that will improve with time. The attention to detail was amazing and I spent more time driving around looking in window shops than actually playing the game.

What discouraged me was the thing I was originally most excited for. The interrogations were amazing in concept but I found to be really limited and restrictive. I mean, ok, I guessed wrong with a doubt selection but that’s it, that conversation path is closed. Why couldn’t I continue questioning them and try to work my way back to the correct answer? Why did Cole yell at everyone if you chose doubt? Stuff like that just pulled me away from really getting into the interrogations. Oh and the homicide desk cases, which should have been amazing, were so fucking boring to me. But yeah, I’m glad to have experienced it and I hope in the future we see more games like it, just, you know, better.


Dragon’s Crown



This was one of the few things I genuinely got excited for during E3 this year. Vanillaware (who really should release an art book in the states) is making a beat ‘em up? Well it looks like I have a reason to turn my PS3 on again besides blu ray. It’s really nice to see beat ‘em ups making a bit of a come back. In terms of genres that have fallen by the way side, I think it’s my favorite. Lord knows I spent enough time in the arcades playing them. Now if they will just release Captain Commando and the Simpsons as downloadable games.


Castlevania: Symphony of the Night



Well I am finally playing Symphony of the Night after years of watching my friends play and hearing how good it is. The thing no one told me is how fucking tough the game is. I die. A lot. But slowly and surely I am getting better. Was never much of a Castlevania fan growing up so the mechanics and play style is kinda new to me. All that being said, it’s a blast to play and the creature design is fantastic. I swear as I get older and play these games and wonder more and more why there isn’t some kind of art book for them. Heh, I just thought that question in my fake grandfather voice. Oh brain, you so krazy. Oh, the music is superb but that’s a given. Castlevania music tends to be damn fine regardless of the game though.


Random Thoughts




They should take the budget for Darksiders 2 and give it to someone so they can make Eternal Darkness 2. It’s a win/win situation for everyone except maybe the members of Seether.




I want the video game equivalent of The Road by Cormac Mccarthy. Something bleak and quiet and rough. The environment of Fallout 3 meets the quiet beauty and despair of Demon’s Souls. As much fun as I had in Fallout 3 I felt like as soon I started to lose myself in the quiet solitude of a post apocalyptic wasteland, I’d meet some crazy character and then it felt like I was playing a video game again. None of this was bad per say, I just would like a game that’s more me wandering a corpse world trying to survive than encountering a colorful cast of characters like in Fallout 3.




Anyone remember Rom the Space Knight? It was a decent comic that was actually based on a toy Parker Brothers licensed in the early 80’s. The toy was a commercial failure but the comic became somewhat popular and went on for a few more years. I guess the best way to describe Rom would be sci fi Conan the Barbarian. Well I was thinking how neat it would be if Grant Morrison wrote a new Rom series. I’m imagining a combination of his Doom Patrol work meets his Marvel Boy run. Could be fun. And if not Grant Morrison then Warren Ellis as apparently he is some kind of science fiction wizard.




I finished reading the last Starman Omnibus earlier this week. It was recommending to me by a friend who described the main character as a “guy who collects antiques and art and shit and happens to be a superhero even though he’d rather just run his antique shop”. I was intrigued to say the least. After reading it, I can say with all my mottled carapace heart that its one of the best comic books I have ever read. Characters that come to life, great stories, well-written dialogue and enough antique/collectible references to keep a thrift hound like me smiling for days. Also, it had The Shade.



He’s a morally ambiguous Victorian era immortal with crazy shadow powers. Think Oscar Wilde meets a Takashi Miike protagonist. Easily in my top 5 comic book characters of all time and my favorite character from the Starman series. There’s a fair chance your local library carries these omnibuses if you are so inclined to check. They are well worth your time if you are into comic books or just like great stories and neat art.



Well, think that’s it for now. I hope you enjoyed reading my thoughts. Have a pleasant day. Oh, and because I love you all: