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About
So this is my blog. I collect religious art, taxidermy things and play video games old and new. I've been playing video games for over twenty years and for better or worse have begun to develop perspective on them. Heaven help me. I, with the full support of the Shadow Council, have taken it up myself to hand out decoder rings to all new members here on the C-blogs. I also like handing out little bonus gifts as well depending on what's in the trunk of my car on any given day. I do this because I have things growing inside me. Dark, twisted things that need love. So let me love you.



Forever.





This is a past banner of mine that was made by fellow Dtoider and sexting partner Char Aznable. I have tattooed this on my heart. My apologies for it being cut off but I don't know how to make it smaller and screaming at the screen hasn't worked yet.



This is a picture Science Jesus and kind-voiced personal savior Beyamor drew while thinking about me. It's my old avatar but it still rings true in the hearts of men and beasts alike. I bet he wasn't wearing pants when he made it. A man can dream, right?



I was recently gifted with a Dtoid card. Its hard to put into words how much this means to me that I am finally a playing card.



I am the God King of my Heart.



Here are some pictures of things I like. I hope you like them too.






















LOL Andy was here LOL[img][img]
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Occams electric toothbrush
16 hours ago - 8:42 AM on 08.29.2014

I have found myself seeking some accompaniment when I am playing video games.† I used to listen to albums and audio books but lately the name of the game has been podcasts.† There is nothing more pleasant than facing the hordes of Hell in Diablo 3 and investing some time in an entertaining podcast.† I have seen a few folks around here mention that they enjoy podcasts so I thought it would be fun to share a few podcasts that I enjoy with everyone here.† I hope you enjoy them as much as I have.† Feel free to share your suggestions with everyone in the comments!

*Excuse the formatting issues.† You all know the score.


1) improv4humans



Improv4Humans



Matt Besser hosts one of, if not the best improv comedy podcasts currently out there.† Besser is one of the founding member of the legendary Upright Citizens Brigade.† Every week Besser and a rotating group of guests take suggestions for words or stories over Twitter and then create improv scenes based on them.† Its hilarious, vulgar and brilliant.† If you like to laugh or are interested in impov comedy, this is the podcast for you.


2) How Did This Get Made?

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[b][size=5][size=2]
How Did This Get Made?[/size][/size][/b]

This is the podcast for you if you enjoy wonderfully bad movies and making fun of them.† Paul Scheer, his wife June Diane Raphael and the delightful Jason Mantzoukas get together and watch awful movies and mock them as only professional funny people can.† From classics like Demoltion Man and Gymkata to more questionable fare like Daredevil and Easy Rider 2, they eviscerate these movies in a hysterical way.† They watch the movie beforehand so you don't have to have the movie playing alongside the podcast which is always nice.†


[b][size=4]3) You Made It Weird

[/b][/size]



[size=2]You Made It Weird[/size]

Pete Holmes interviews famous people and gets them to open up about God, sex, happiness, pain and everything in between.† While Holmes is a love or hate personality because of how boisterous he can be (mainly just on live shows) I find him to be very kind and empathic.† If you really want to see controlled chaos, watch any live show he does with T.J. Miller.† Those two get together and its like two banshees fucking inside a tornado.† This podcast can be really hilarious and very touching and its great if you like the interview format.

[size=5][size=2][b][size=5]
[size=4]4) Doug Loves Movies

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[size=2][/size]

[size=5][size=2]
Doug Loves Movies[/size][/size]


Doug Benson, comedian and stoner extraordinaire loves movies.† Each week he has a panel of his friends who usually also happen to be famous people (Edgar Wright and Jon Hamm come to mind) on to discuss movies and play games.† Its a very fun podcast and is one of the more popular ones out there right now.† Its ok if you aren't a huge movie buff, this podcast may be based on movies but its really more about the guest interaction than anything.


[b][size=5]
5) The Indoor Kids

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The Indoor Kids


Kumail Nanjiani and Emily V. Gordon are two very funny people who love video games and each other.† This married couple talks about the week in video games and interviews all types of folks about video games, pop culture and general geekery.† Some past shows that I really loved were their interview with Troy Baker and the game director for The Last of Us, Bruce Straley.† They have great banter and wax on games on both a humorous and intellectual level.


[size=4]6) The Mental Illness Happy Hour[/size][b][size=5]


[/size][/b]The Mental Illness Happy Hour


This one is a bit different.† Host Paul Gilmartin talks about mental illness both in his personal life and the lives of others.† This one can be a real gut punch, especially for anyone who has been affected by substance abuse or anxiety.† Paul reads letters people have written him and discusses all sorts of issues people have in their lives.† He also interviews people about their own mental illness and it is a fascinating, heart breaking look into the how and why of personal tragedy and overcoming obstacles.† Its an honest, sometimes humorous look at mental illness that has a very supportive tone.† Worth a listen for sure but be warned it can be emotionally draining, especially if the topic hits close to home.


7) Welcome to Night Vale





Welcome to Night Vale


Oh my, where to begin with this?† So imagine if the X-Files, Twilight Zone and H.P. Lovecraft created a town.† That town would be Night Vale.† Now you tune in on your radio to listen to a weekly broadcast from the town's only radio station.† That would be Welcome to Night Vale.† This is a must listen for everyone who is a fan of the strange and macabre.† Great for long drives late at night.† Just beware the Sheriff's Secret Police.


So that is seven podcasts.† I think that's enough for now.† I hope you find something to enjoy from these.† Lord knows I have found plenty of solace losing myself in a podcast and playing a video game.† I hope you can do the same.








Another year has come and gone.† The hot dog breath of Summer is slowly relenting and giving way to the cool quiet of Fall.† PAX Prime aka the Battle in Seattle aka the Group Hug is happening starting tomorrow.† For some of you reading this, you will be attending this fine event.† All I can say is:





If its your first time to PAX and you plan to attend the Dtoid parties and panel, oh lordy you are in for a treat.† It is hard to put into words the warm fuzzies I felt the first time I met fellas like Andy Dixon and Knutaf and Corduroy Turtle in real life.† It made everything, every fun moment experienced on Destructoid and playing games online real and tangible.† There was a person standing in front of me.† We broke bread.† We drank moderately priced beer.† We laughed and engaged and made memories.† My experience with PAX was a kind of Nirvana.† A place of perfect harmony with myself and my surroundings.† Well, it was until I got a sinus infection.† That happened both times I've been.† Seriously.† Wash your hands, drink water and watch out for coughing people and sniffles.††





So this is where I ask you to adopt me.† I can't go to PAX this year but you can bring me there.† I can exist in spirit and accompany you as you travel and have adventures with fellow Dtoiders and random people.† Pretend I'm there by acknowledging me out of place reference to fingerblasting a girl named Krystal behind a Dollar Tree dumpster.† Smile politely when you pretend to hear me mentioning how my biological father is 1) Mike Haggar 2) Suda 51 3) an absent factor in my life.† I am a great companion.† I won't take up much space, I have a beard made of cats and have an encylopedic knowledge of the Mighty Ducks franchise.


If you choose to adopt me, know that you have my thanks.† And by thanks I mean I could probably write something both thoughtful and inappropriate about you.† I would, if you wanted.† As someone who fully supports sexual expression and deviancy, I'm more than happy to write that.† But this isn't about sex.† I mean, it could be.† I bet there are some PAX babies out there.† Someone has sat on a dick during PAX and didn't get off it in time.† Surely someone has been knocked up while wearing a furry costume.† God I hope so.† Haha, sex is awesome.



Ahem.


I'm getting distracted.



So, please adopt me.† Let me in your life for this magical time.† Share your PAX experience with me.† I want to watch you thrive there.† Let me love you.







*Should you adopt me, I can send you a large image of my avatar so you can print me out and bring me with you.† Just send me a PM!








I just wanted to take a brief moment to say goodbye to a man who taught me how to laugh and the your eccentricities are a strength rather than a weakness. Yesterday, as I'm sure most of you know Robin Williams killed himself.† When I heard the news, my heart broke.† How could he do that?† He was loved.† Adored.† His movies and stand up and personality are a part of so many of our childhoods.† He was so kind and considerate of others.† I've read stories about him where he would answer people's phones randomly and just talk to the person on the other end for a half an hour, pretending to be a Jewish Grandmother or an angry black guy.† Robin Williams always made time for his fans and that's pretty rare today.

So now he is gone and I'll never get to hug him which was on my bucket list in between seeing Antonio Gaudi's architecture in Spain and sky diving with my friend Ben while listening to Husker Du.† He left us too soon.† He left his family too soon.† I wish that he could have felt even a fraction of the love people had for him in his heart yesterday so that he would still be here.† The world is a bit colder now that he's gone.† He was a genius, a father, a husband and a good man.† I just can't believe he's gone.† My thoughts and prayers go out to his family.† I can't even imagine the pain and loss they are experiencing.†

Anywho, I know this isn't about video games but I wanted to share this here with everyone.† Go hug someone you love then watch Toys because its a super underrated movie and that deviled eggs bit gets me every fucking time.†









So letís see.† Itís been a while since I wrote one of these.†Whatís new with me?† Iíve been engaging in all kinds of media lately.†

Side note: That could be a really fancy way of saying looking at porn.

Iíve been playing a silly amount of Final Fantasy IV: A Realm Reborn.† Itís a lot of fun.† Iíve also been spending a lot of time on Youtube.† You have to understand that for a fella like me, Youtube is literally a dream come true.† All those weird tv shows, movie moments, late night infomercials and random facts I have crammed in my memory have been cataloged and archived on Youtube.† I just have to dig into the cannibal punch bowl I call my skull and pull out a name or title or phrase and Youtube can help me re-live the joy.† Itís a wonderful thing for someone like me.† In the spirit of that idea, I wanted to share some stuff I have found on Youtube that has brought me no small amount of joy.† So I hope that you find some pleasure and smiles in these videos.

MUSIC

Richard ďKing TittyĒ Wagner - Tristan und Isolde - Prelude and Liebestod



There's something so sublime and true about this piece.† Its speaks to my heart and the first time I heard it I teared up and was filled with happiness.


Frederic ď2 KoldĒ Chopin - Op. 9, No. 1 in B-flat minor



Chopin is my favorite pianist and his music is this beautiful gut punch to me.† Its sad, fragile and hopeful all at once and is a constant companion in my waking world.


Starcat Ė Ghosts



I'm pretty big into the New Wave Neo Retro Synth stuff, whatever you want to call it.† It's simultaneously exciting and new and familiar to me.† This song just stood out from the rest though.† Something about the pace of it and that low bass sound in the background.† Feels like a loving electric heartbeat to me.

Alphadeus Ė Love, Lost, Live, Love



Our own Alphadeus is a musicially talented fella and this piece by him has really stuck in my brain as of late.† Its somber and reflective and kind.† I've been listening to it a lot before I fall asleep.† If you haven't had a chance to, check out his youtube page and give the man's work a listen.† Its well worth your time.†

†BEAUTIFUL THINGS


Giant Fish Pond in Abandoned Bangkok Mall



I feel like this is something right out of The Last of Us. Here in this abandoned mall is this thriving fish pond teeming will all kinds of beautiful fish.† Its amazing to me.

8 Hours of Nature Sounds



I love the water.† Mostly rivers and streams and brooks.† The ocean is too big and has krakens in it.† I don't trust it.† Sure, 8 hours may seem a bit excessive but I have put this on and read some comics or thumbed through an art book and found myself completely relaxed.† That's a rarity in my waking world.


Bird of Paradise Mating Dance



The first time I saw this footage I stood up and yelled "fuck that" at the tv.† This is real magic and my tiny mammalian brain cannot comprehend the demon wizard powers this bird possesses.


Artist Sees Lover



Marina Abramovic and Ulay started an intense love story in the 70s, performing art out of the van they lived in. When they felt the relationship had run its course, they decided to walk the Great Wall of China, each from one end, meeting for one last big hug in the middle and never seeing each other again. At her 2010 MoMa retrospective Marina performed ĎThe Artist Is Presentí as part of the show, a minute of silence with each stranger who sat in front of her. Ulay arrived without her knowing it and this is what happened.† This always leaves me speechless.


VIDEO GAMES


A Complete play through of Phantasmagoria



I've been on a kick of watching game play throughs lately.† This was the video that kicked it off for me.† I really miss those old FMV games.† They were cheesy but really tried something new and they have a charm that is undeniable.† Though I have to say that its really hard to find videos of just the game.† More often than not its some jackass heehawing over the video.† Most annoying.


Def Jam: Fight for New York Ė All Blaziní finishers and taunts



This is a fighting game where you can play as Henry Rollins.† Henry Rollins is in this game as a playable character.† So naturally its one of my favorite fighting games ever.† The cartoonish yet brutal nature of these finishers leaves me wandering if the rappers had any input into what they move would be.† If so, then some of these guys are really into pulverizing testicles.†


Trapt Ė All Dark Illusions



I love the Deception series and Trapt always stuck in my mind for the Dark Illusion super moves (so to speak) that you could pull off if you did the right combination of traps in a room.† They are pretty gruesome, even if the graphics are a bit dated now.† My favorite is still the giant music box trap.† Grinding gears.† How horrifying.

The Ballad of Mike Haggar



The internet has done much to praise and honor the man that is Mike "my biological father" Haggar.† This and that picture of him suplexing a shark tie for the best in my opinion.


SMILES


Fashion Shack




This is maybe the best commercial ever made?†



Dragonstrike Video



This one is a bit of a nostalgia pick but I remember getting this board game for Christmas one year and freaking the fuck out.† My friends and I played the game maybe twice then we just watched the tape over and over.† Turns out there was a whole bunch of board games made that had an "interactive" video element like this.† Youtube of course has all of them and I'm currently watching the Star Wars one in sections.


The best of Rude Jude from Jenny Jones




As a younger man, Jenny Jones was my favorite talk show and quite possibly still be.† Between My Sexy Teen Needs to Come Clean to Now I'm Hot and You're Not, the show never failed to produce a classier version of the Jerry Springer show.† One of the returning personalities was "Rude Jude".† He was a guy named Jude who was pretty great at throwing shade on guests, especially when they came on proclaiming such phrases as "Don't hate!" and "You don't know me!".† This was well before South Park made that a running joke.†


Lisa Frank: A Parody by Upright Citizens Brigade



There's a surprisingly small amount of humor stuff based on Lisa Frank and what is there could be considered slim pickings.† However, this video cracked me up as I could see if being how it all went down.† Of course, now we know this wasn't the case but I like how it's part tribute, part Lifetime Original Movie and all bears wearing top hats.


Le Cochon Dansuer



There's an unawareness that videos like this have.† Viewed today, its more of a David Lynch short film but in 1907, it was a playful, whimsical music hall routine made to show folks at nickelodeon theaters.† I love the pig costume.† Its fat body, thick limbs and those rolling eyes and wagging tongue are evocative of Grimm's Fairy Tales but set on the Vaudeville stage.† The video feels innocent and playful but there is an undeniable sense that the pig could eat her at any moment if it wanted to.


Hello, Iím Shelley Duvall



†This is my favorite video on youtube.








Top ten lists are a lot of fun. †Its a great chance to get to know the community and present yourself a bit. †You can let down your guard and get some community love and return the love in quick, urgent thrusts. †So here are ten things about me. †I hope you enjoy them. †

I work in an art gallery.



My background is in Library Science with a focus on Archives but life led me to working in an art gallery.† I was originally hired to curate an exhibit on the history of comic books.† That job turned into some cataloging work which then turned into me being hired full time as the Collection Manager and Registrar for the gallery.† Itís a job I love.† Working with art, installing exhibits and watching people come in the gallery and take in what they see is the best way I know how to spend my time and make money doing it.


My favorite movie of all time is The Dark Crystal.



Oh this movie.† My mother told me once that there was a period when I was a child that I watched this every day.† It was in my staple of sick day movies along with Flight of the Navigator, Big Trouble in Little China and Police Academy 3: Back in Training.† I watched this movie on lonely Saturday nights in high school when I felt like Iíd never be ok.† This movie helped me see the beauty and kindness that exists in all people.† For me, itís a work of art.† A masterpiece.† Itís my home away from home.† Even today, I will go to the swamps of this movie in my mind to escape my troubles.† Itís effect on me is profound and will resonate throughout my life.


When I get old I plan to be a mall walker.



So, I have a thing about malls.† I love them. †I love walking around malls.† The sights, the sounds, the smells, itís magical for me.† I was a teenager in the 90ís when mall culture was still quite en vogue but fading slightly as coffee shops and the internet became more of a thing.† Those times are long past but I still love walking around a mall people watching.† I walk around and see the guy wearing a Staind hoodie with a neon yellow plastic chain wallet holding hands with his girlfriend who has a homemade juggalette neck tattoo and Jack Skellington booty shorts and I smile inwardly because that is a real human moment and I love it.

I hope that malls exist in some form of another when Iím an old man so that I can wander around and smile at all the myriad of strange and lovely folk.


I collect art prints.



I figured out one day that I have a visual mind when I started to give someone directions and realized I was having difficulty because it was all pictures in my mind.† It explains a lot about me though.† Itís why Iím good with faces and not names and why I am drawn to the arts field.† A few years ago a buddy of mine told me about Mondo Gallery out in Austin.† They exhibit and sell art prints from crazy talented folks like Olly Moss, Randy Ortiz and Mike Mitchell.† The art is usually based on some element of popular culture.† Movies, music, comic books, etc.† I started to look into their exhibits and found there was an entire culture of folks who buy and sell these prints from galleries all over the world.† A year later and I have around two dozen prints in a nice portfolio file.† I am currently working on developing an exhibit in the gallery where I work to showcase these fantastic works of art.


Ups and Downs



Iíve struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my teenage and adult life.† Being quiet and introspective has meant that Iíve spent (and spend) most of my time in my head.† Lord knows Iím better than I used to be but itís still something I struggle with sometimes.† I have had too many moments where I wanted to join an Xbox Live party of Dtoiders or answer a friendís phone call but it felt too damn difficult to.† At that point, I usually just put on a movie and lay on the couch.† Depression and anxiety isnít something that just goes away, at least not for me but there are healthy ways to manage and coping mechanisms that arenít self-destructive.† So yeah, ups and downs but I try to be the best Occams I know how to be.


I have three heroes: Henry Rollins, John Candy and my dad.



In my late teens, I was introduced to Black Flag.† Loved the music and became very interested in the former front man Henry Rollins.† I picked up some of his books and spoken word albums and really got into what I read.† I have had the pleasure of seeing him speak a few times and talked to him after.† We discussed our favorite Jimi Hendrix songs and workout tips.† It was one of the prouder moments of my life. He wrote something called I Know You which socked me right in the stomach the first time I heard it and made me realize this was a person I could listen to and have faith in their words.†

John Candy is the first person I ever saw on the tv screen that I knew I could trust completely.† He was funny and kind and silly but also fought for the people he cared for and defended them fiercely.† For your approval: Melanoma Head.

My dad turned seventy-nine in March.† Heís a retired insurance broker.† Heís the kindest, most noble man I have ever known.† Growing up, everyone thought he was my grandfather.† When he was a teenager, he and his friends called masturbation, ďtossing offĒ. †He was a young man in Memphis during the Civil Rights movement.† He remembers the radio the way most of us remember VCRís.† He was acquaintances with a young Elvis Presley. †He saw Seven Samurai in Japan in the theater when it had just came out.† If I grow up to be half as wise and clever and compassionate as my dad then I will feel content with my life.


Creeks are awesome.



Iím not a big nature guy.† Itís gorgeous and breathtaking but itís also hot and there are bugs and probably bears somewhere nearby.† But despite my proclivity to stay indoors and play video games and read comics, Iím a sucker for a nice creek.† Thereís something so serene about the quiet churning of the water and the sunlight reflecting off slick rocks.† Maybe a fish swims by.† Perhaps a Dragonfly buzzes around the surface looking for a meal.† If Heaven exists and itís an awesome place, there better be a section dedicated just to creeks.†


I quit smoking in November.



I have been an off and on smoker for right around ten years.† Itís a habit I picked up in college and would put down every once in a while but eventually come back to it due to any number or reasons.† Hereís the thing about smoking that I found out.† Itís fun and really pleasurable in your 20ís.† You can smoke and doesnít seem to affect you.† Smoking in your 30ís, turns out is fucking awful.† Your chest hurts.† Your throat hurts.† You get sick more often.† Your clothes smell.† †That glamour is gone.† Sure, I miss it.† There are few things more relaxing to me mentally and physically then smoking a cigarette on a cold night when the sky is clear and you can see the stars.† But I donít want to keep feeling like crap.† My lack of exercise of steady level of stress is seeing to that just fine.† So I quit smoking and I miss it and I probably will for a very long time but Iím glad that I did.


In my teens I owned and proudly wore a Staind hoodie.



It was a simpler time, ok?† Things werenít as complicated.† Feelings and emotions were more blunted.† Words meant less to me then.† There wasnít internet porn so youíd have to jack off to scrambled porn. †Itís all fuzzy blurs and gasping noises until the outline of a boob came through and suddenly Godís pearl lightning shot through you and you have to flip the covers because you forgot to grab a t-shirt.


Andy Dixon swallows.




<3








Summons in role playing games.† There is something so wonderfully appealing about calling forth a terrible monster to do your dirty work for you in an RPG.†Most of us can recall with fond remembrance and a glint of nostalgia in the eye the first time we saw the Knights of the Round or Bahamut Zero in Final Fantasy 7.† They instilled within us a sense of awe and pride.† We were epic heroes who wielded incredible power but fuck that, Iím going to get this Goddamn half dragon half spider thing to stab the boss in the dick with its eye razors and itís all going to take place in an unskippable cutscene.† These summons remain one of my favorite aspect of RPGís and in that spirit, I want to share with you four summons that I would have if I were to make my own role playing game.


Uncle Buck



John Candy was one of my surrogate fathers growing up.† His movies taught me that flawed men were capable of great things.†Patience, love and kindness could come from simple acts and small moments and not every gesture had to be large to be grand.† He also taught me that having a relatively minor psychopathic streak in your character was advantageous when someone threatened the ones you loved.†
So Uncle Buck would make an appearance in my game.

Pulling up in that 1975 Mercury Marquis coupe and announcing his arrival with a shotgun backfire from the exhaust, he would step out smiling.† Not a warm smile, mind you, but a knowing grin, tinged with the drop of cruelty that every man defending those he loved is capable of.† He walks to the trunk of his car, opens it and pulls out a simple looking hatchet.† His grin widens as his eye narrow and he moves the hatchet in his hand the same way a child carrying a cherished doll would when presenting it to someone for inspection.

The screen fades to black and the sound of tearing meat undercuts what must be the awful noise of someone playing a cello with a hacksaw.† Then silence until the trunk closes and the car drives off.† When the game screen returns the enemy is a shaking mess of tears and whimpers.†




Marjory the Trash Heap




Few things were more comforting and confusing growing up to me than Marjory the Trash Heap.† A living pile of trash who appeared to have the demeanor of a waspy 65-year-old woman and who doled out wisdom and advice to the naive Fraggles.† She was kind but also firm and blunt in her opinions. Oh, and she didnít have eyes.† I struggled with this for a long time as a kid.† A child needs eyes in their tv friends.† Without eyes you are just staring into a black pocket that seems to go on forever.† Thatís a bad place for a child to end up.†

However, despite her lack of eyes, Marjory became a fast friend to little boy Occams as she was funny and strange and always had good advice to give those who would ask.† As such, I imagine Marjory being in my game with two forms.† The first is her in the familiar setting of her trash yard where the party gathers to listen to her speak simple truths and give sound advice on all manner of things.† In this form, the party would receive buffs to stats and skills.†

Her second form begins with Marjory rising out of out a jagged crack in the earth right in front of the enemy.† Her bilious mass would pour forth and coat the enemy and everything close by in a beige colored muck pock marked with broken egg shells and banana peels.† Then at the epicenter Marjory would emerge.†Her face would form at the top of the large mound, black sink holes and a jagged maw torn out of old diapers and empty cereal boxes.† She would open her mouth and rats would spill forth, a teeming mass squealing in delight.†The enemy would struggle to move away from her but the muck and mire has seemingly hardened around them.† They thrash about but Marjory just stares at them with two empty pits and a mouth leaking light pink and dishwater gray.

Suddenly the enemy seizes up and their eyes go wide and bulge as if they are trying to escape the skull.† Marjory stares.† The cracking sound the player hears is the enemy breaking their teeth as they grind their jaw.† Shards of broken tooth stab into gum and cheek flesh and blood begins to trickle out of their mouth.†

Marjory stares.

Then the enemy swings its head around violently and repeatedly.†Over and over screaming until the blood turns screams into gurgles.†† Then with a wet snap the enemyís head comes to rest at a seemingly impossible angle.

Marjory stares.


When the game screen returns, the enemy lies broken and covered in trash and rats.†


The Garthim






To say I like The Dark Crystal would be like saying Kim Kardashian likes black cock.† It is such a small word trying to describe such a huge and complex relationship. † No, for me, The Dark Crystal is something of a sacred moment and a personal triumph.† My feelings for it border on the fanatical.†† I could write a book on why I love that movie but for our purpose today, I will just say that I was always intrigued by those Crustacean storm troopers, the Garthim.† The combination of soulless, mindless killing machine that looked like spider, crab and beetle melded together were both terrifying and enthralling to me as a child.† So thatís why I think the Garthim would make an excellent summon for my RPG.†

Imagine the enemy standing around when suddenly the world goes dark except for a spot light on them.† It is completely silent for a few seconds and then this clicking noise begins.† Faintly at first and slowly builds up to a more frantic pace.†† The sound is cacophonous.† Clicking, skittering, squealing noises.† Then shapes begin to form.† Ebon shines like shark eyes as the light reveals what lies in the darkness.† Then suddenly little purple motes of light begin to blink into existence.† One pair, then another, then more and more until the enemy is surrounded by them.† The Garthim begin to crawl forward, a ring of mandibles and claws and carapaces.† Cruel edges end in wicked curves that reach out for the skin and muscle trapped in the circle.† Suddenly the wall closes in on the enemy.† There is screaming though it is quickly cut off.†All the player can hear is the clacking of claws and rustling of carapaces shifting and hurtling themselves towards the growing blood stain on the ground.

When the game screen returns, the enemy is gone.† Only the blood stain and shreds of clothing and hair indicate that they were ever there.


Lisa Frank





Those of you who know me know that I love Lisa Frank.† Ever since I was a little boy, I was fascinated with the magenta cats and rainbow unicorns that came from her strange and beautiful mind.† I had the trapper keeper and folders when I was in grade school and loved them dearly.† As I got older and things like puberty and MTV began to work their magic, I started drawing the Nirvana smiley face on my binders and wearing flannel shirts.† I may not have had the trapper keeper anymore but Lisa Frankís rainbow universe always had a welcome place in my heart.† Thatís why I want the Lisa Frank universe to be a summon in my RPG.

The scene starts out with the enemies getting ready to attack our heroes.†They rear back to strike and their attack hits home. †Blood pours out of fresh wounds, teeth tear into bone and muscle and magical energy cooks and chars exposed flesh.† However, the heroes do not move or even react.† They just stand there and stare straight ahead. †The enemies lash out again and again blood is spilled but the heroes will not fall.† Then the world around them changes.†Cracks start to form in the sky and on the ground.† The air is filled with the sound of breaking glass.† The heroes start to smile as reality shatters around them.† Wider and wider still until the skin splits up to their temples.† The enemies turn to run away but every where they look they are greeted by the the heroes wicked grins reflected in the cascading shards of reality. † Suddenly a piercing ray of light bursts forth from the cracks in the sky.†It bathes the enemies in thick colored bands.† Everyone is screaming now.

More rays pour out of the cracks.† Rainbow light floods the world.† The enemies scream and try to run but their legs wonít support their bodies.† Just as they collapse to the ground it stops.† They look around to find a landscape at once familiar yet alien.† A beach of dark pink sand dotted with rocky outcroppings that shine like sapphires under an impossible rainbow sun.† Water the color of a gasoline puddle dances and shimmers.†Plants and trees looked dipped in bubble gum sway as a hot breeze blows.† Off in the distance a unicorn the size of the tallest mountain slowly walks as the ground trembles with each step.† Then a bright green kitten wearing a candy yellow top hat walks up to the enemies.†It sits at their feet and meows loudly.†The sound that comes out resembles a broken calliope.


Then the camera pans in close to the enemyís eye to show it is now a milky grey.†As the camera pans out from the eye the player sees the heroes are standing over the withered corpses of the enemies.


So there you have just a few boss summons I would love to have in the made up RPG that exists mostly in my head.


Mostly.