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About
So this is my blog. I collect religious art, taxidermy things and play video games old and new. I've been playing video games for over twenty years and for better or worse have begun to develop perspective on them. Heaven help me. I, with the full support of the Shadow Council, have taken it up myself to hand out decoder rings to all new members here on the C-blogs. I also like handing out little bonus gifts as well depending on what's in the trunk of my car on any given day. I do this because I have things growing inside me. Dark, twisted things that need love. So let me love you.



Forever.





This is a past banner of mine that was made by fellow Dtoider and sexting partner Char Aznable. I have tattooed this on my heart. My apologies for it being cut off but I don't know how to make it smaller and screaming at the screen hasn't worked yet.



This is a picture Science Jesus and kind-voiced personal savior Beyamor drew while thinking about me. It's my old avatar but it still rings true in the hearts of men and beasts alike. I bet he wasn't wearing pants when he made it. A man can dream, right?



I was recently gifted with a Dtoid card. Its hard to put into words how much this means to me that I am finally a playing card.




Here are some pictures of things I like. I hope you like them too.






















LOL Andy was here LOL[img]
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Music. We like it. We love it. We want some more of it. It feeds our mind thoughts and helps grease the wheels of life. The right song at the right moment can make a lasting memory or sour your heart and soul with the first few notes. As someone who takes music super duper seriously I always pay attention to the music in video games. Something I have noticed recently is that more and more games are using licensed tracks either in their games or for promotional purposes. Sometimes this works pretty damn well, such as with this lovely Bioshock trailer:





The song is ďBeyond the SeaĒ as sung by Bobby Darin. A badass song and it works so well here, not only thematically but the style of the song fits the style of Bioshock very well. A win/win for the game and music fans alike.


On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have songs in trailers that fit as well as someone shoving a jewelerís screwdriver into your urethra then trying to jerk you off on a roller coaster. Here is the latest trailer for Assassinís Creed III:





The song is "Coming Home" by Diddy featuring Skylar Grey. Ugh, where to begin? It doesnít mesh well at all, unless Ubisoft is trying to market to the maudlin tween demographic. Maybe if there was some war movie starring Channing Tatum, this could play during the credits.

Also, nothing to do with the song but ďSkylarĒ is an awful name.

I just donít get what they are going for with this. I get the ďIím coming homeĒ aspect what with AMERICA and all but thereís nothing inspiring or interesting about this whatsoever to me. So while the game may be enjoyable, this trailer is a gas leak during nap time at a special needs day care.


Thinking about licensed songs in games got me thinking even more, at which point I pissed myself and passed out. But when I came to, I realized that video games could use all sorts of great songs that arenít dupstep, shitty Channing Tatum war movie credits music or screeching butt metal. So I compiled a list of songs I thought would be pretty neat to see in video games, either in the game itself or in trailer. Now, I realize that itís probably a red tape nightmare to get certain songs in game and pay royalties and all that but letís just assume for the sake of this clbog that itís a perfect world and Jim Henson is still alive and things are easy.


Petula Clark Ė Chariot



I donít parlais francais but fucking hell I adore some Petula Clark. This song would be great background music for a scene in a quiet and mostly empty bar or any scene that needed badass background music to let the atmosphere soak in.


Pixies Ė Bird Dream of the Olympus Mons



Bird Dream is a beautiful and kind of desperate and aching song to me. So I hear it and think if there was a scene in a game where a character was driving or flying a vehicle of some kind on a suicide run this would be perfect.

Bruce Springsteen Ė State Trooper



My favorite Springsteen song ever. Also one of the most intense, creepiest amazing songs Iíve ever burned onto my heart pieces. Imagine this playing at the beginning of a survival horror game (Iím thinking Alan Wake-esque). It would get your attention and set the tone perfectly.


Television Ė Marquee Moon



Perfect driving music for a game. Its got that lovely rhythm to it that just sets a pace in your mind. I could hear this in a GTA-type game on a radio station and just drive around watching this digital world exist and be very content.



Robert Palmer Ė Johnny and Mary



A sweet song that could play while people dance and smile and are in love, just before someone gets kidnapped/killed and the conflict begins.


Rollins Band Ė Ghost Rider



First off, SHOUT OUT TO THE CROW SOUNDTRACK!!!!!!! 8th grade me say wassup and Nirvana rules. There's this weight to the song, like it has a spine made of lead and the drums just just step on your neck and Henryís voice is a growling, grating thing that hates you. I hear this and I picture it being the song for the best fucking Max Payne type trailer ever in my head.


The Beatles Ė Helter Skelter



Imagine a hand to hand fight scene in a game set to this song. Fast drums, Paul's kinda screaming at you. Its fast and kinetic and jarring. I can see this with either a big kung fu fight scene like Bruce Lee vs the entire dojo in Chinese Connection or a really nasty bar fight.


PJ Harvey - 50-ft Queenie



Another gem of a song for a fight scene where the main character is a woman...and possibly a giant. Something where a lady destroys a bunch of assholes in business suits.



Wow, this was harder to write than I thought it would be. There are so many genres of music and songs out there that could be used in games. This was just my initial brain thoughts on what I could see in games. Hope you enjoyed it and let me know if you have any songs you would enjoy seeing in your video games.








Hello everyone. How have you been? Lots of new and exciting things going on around here. I'd like to share some thoughts with you today. Its some random things. Just whatever I can pull out of the attic crawlspace I call my mind. As I write this, in my head, the words sound like Bob Ross' soothing voice. Let me test something:

I'm so glad its Friday. Some tea would be lovely right now. Bitch, put that knife down or I'll pull your ovaries out with a pick axe.

Heh, yeah, Bob Ross voice makes everything sound ok. I will try to make this both substantial and clever. Thank you for taking this journey with me.





-Borderlands 2 is a lot of fun. I am enjoying the Gunzerker quite a bit, minus his silly faux hawk. I like crazy sci-fi futures where everyone is either bald or has Gary Oldman's hair cut from The Fifth Element. I hope that as technology becomes more advanced in the future, we can move away from poor haircuts. And cure AIDS. And invent a corn dog that stays crispy on the outside the whole time and doesn't turn into a soggy cock half way through.

-Every once in a while I get this longing to play an RPG. I think its a comfort thing, like chicken soup or masturbation. RPG's have always been a place of solace for me though as of late I've had trouble finding many that butter my toast. So I search Gamefly like I'm trolling for mall pussy and I find this game. I don't know anything about the Magna Carta series but figure, hey, why not? 38-ish hours later I arrive at the final area before the final boss and promptly eject the disc and send it back to Gamefly.

The game did that thing that RPG's do where you get to the last area and then you find out you have to go to three different areas and solve three different puzzles to unlock the grand door to continue the game. I hate that shit with a passion. I play as a character who can summon a lightning dragon that literally tears the sky in half. Why do I have to go trod through these boring, pointless puzzles to open a door? Here's an idea, take that sword that weighs roughly the same as a short bus full to capacity and knock that goddamn door down. It would save everyone time. And while you're at it, during the bad guy's "The world is a dream which must be destroyed in order to revive the dark peace of my soul's desire" speech, go ahead and chop his head off. Before s/he summons and devours God to become Ultima Deus or whatever, just walk up and turn him/her into a fine red mist with your 19-foot long sword shaped like a canoe designed by Salvador Dali.

I think I had more patience as a younger man when it came to puzzles like that. Now, I want to enjoy the story and journey but fuck you and your silly puzzles. I watched the ending on youtube then tea bagged the disc before sending it back. The end.







-Well, that was a bit of a rant. Hmmm, oh! I've really been into the Walking Dead episodic games lately. Have played and beat the first two and just really getting into them. I read the comics (though sparingly as its rather soul crushing) and tried the tv show but got bored by it. For some reason, though, these games are just really fucking doing it for me. I like how you have to make some difficult choices and there are some very jarring scenes that pop out of nowhere. Though sometimes the two choices the game gives you aren't what I would do at all and I feel kinda stuck making a choice and am pulled from the experience rather than having it be this organic, stressful experience that I would like it to be. So yeah, if you have heard of the game but haven't tried it out yet or are on the fence about it, consider this life telling you to give it a shot.





-A dream of mine came true recently. No, friends, I did not get that Lisa Frank full back tattoo.....yet. Marvel vs Capcom: Origins came out! For years now, I have wished to reclaim the sweaty, pig rut awkwardness that was my youth by having the first (and far fucking superior) Marvel vs Capcom game released in a format I could play along with my friends online. The gods heard my pleas and released it bundled with the old Marvel Super Heroes fighting game. I spent many moons killing time in the local Wal-mart food area playing Marvel Super Heroes waiting for my mom to finish buying stuff and things so I have plenty of warm fuzzies for it. But Marvel vs Capcom....sigh. It was my first. Sweet and soft. It taught me things. So that was a pretty good moment in my waking world.




-I have Resident Evil 6 sitting at home still in the Gamefly envelope. I'm scared to try it. It almost feels like pulling off a band aid to see what all the itching underneath is about. I'll give it a shot though, and while my mind is open to the experience, per say, I will try to find some digital magic while I'm axe kicking Puerto Rican eel zombies. From the videos I've watched, the action bits look neat. Something about motor bikes ramping across roof tops and what appears to be a tyrant with a crazy cenobite hell hook arm is appealing on a basic level for me.






-Here are a few quick hits of things I have liked lately and are worth checking out:

-Kill List: If you like slow burn horror movies and enjoyed the Wicker Man then you will adore this.




-Dredd: Its essentially The Raid set in a sci-fi world. A great movie that didn't get enough love in the theater. Does justice to the character. Worth watching even if you aren't familiar with Dredd.





-The Mountain Goats are one of my favorite bands and the new album is called Transcendental Youth and it just came out. This song is called Amy aka Spent Gladiator 1 and it makes my heart fill to bursting.





-And lastly, I give you the full DragonStrike video. For those of you old enough to remember, prepare for a nostalgia bomb of great magnitude. For those of you who don't know, Dragon strike was a fantasy board game where you had figures on a grid board and searched for treasure and fought monsters. What made DragonStrike unique was that it came with a VHS tape that explained a bit about the game and had actors playing out an adventure with lovely special effects and monsters and the whole bit. Pay close attention to the host's voice as he commands you to take your panties off and also the scorpion man later on whose face is the physical embodiment of rape for me. Enjoy.



Well, that's it for now. Yall have a lovely Friday and a nice weekend.








The time is 1:56 am in the morning here in the waking world. I'm a few glasses of wine relaxed and have been thinking a bit about the site. I don't often have an outlet to just speak my mind in the waking world. Being an adult and all means that 98% of the people I encounter won't appreciate my Baby Jessica macaroni art. But here, I can talking about all sorts of random shit and someone usually gets it, or at least gets a chuckle out of it. The reason I have loved and continue to love this site is that we share ourselves. For many of us, we aren't just screen names and words on a screen. We are people and even though we may never meet, we build relationships online. We come to respect one another, even when we disagree and think the art for Darksiders 2 is amazing.

A long time ago when I was relatively new here I started giving out decoder rings to people who posted their intro cblog. I think I was inspired by the Little Orphan Annie decoder ring from A Christmas Story. I still chuckle at "drink more Ovaltine." Have you ever had Ovaltine? It tastes like grandma pussy mixed with a mint julep.

Ok, Occam, focus. We have a point here.

So yeah, these decoder rings and the message to thrive with the community and give us your thoughts and words and ideas so we can love you may seem kinda hokey but I mean it. I have made some amazing friends on this site and if Destructoid were to be shut down tomorrow, those friendships would continue. That's a legacy, folks. I'll always owe Destructoid a huge debt of gratitude for being the place in which I would make friends after a very long time of me thinking I was pretty much going to be a hermit for the rest of my days. I made those friends by taking a chance and joining an Friday Night Fight on xbox 360 and stepping outside of the hermit world I live in and just talking with cool people. I made myself step out of the rather comfortable status of being a lurker into something far more awkward. It worked better than I could have ever imagined.

Its a scary thing to be a new member on a website. There are established groups, in-jokes, rules, specific language, personalities and lord knows what else you have to encounter and deal with to become part of the site. I went through it and felt very discouraged that people didn't really comment on my blogs and my front page comments were largely ignored. But I kept trying and every time someone responded to what I had to say, in all my rambling glory, it pushed me forward to try and get to know the community better and let them get to know me. That's why its so damn important that we as a community show love to new members. Its an intimidating thing to post that first blog or intro post on the forums or say hello in Outer Heaven but you have to remember that this is a person reaching out and putting themselves out there for all of us to engage. If you love the site and the people here, just try and make them feel welcome. Encourage them to post and come back.

Also, regarding the cblogs, if you see something that you think is front page worthy, tell Andy Dixon. He's a gentle lover and a badass fella but he's got a life in the waking world just like the rest of us and can't read and analyze each and every blog for front page status. So if you read something and it makes your mango peach heart swell, shoot him a PM saying so.

Anywho, I was just thinking about the past few blogs about Dtoid and wanted to put this out there. I love this damn place and its because of the people in it. Lets all make it the best community we can.









To quote Staind, the only band I want to play at my wedding and my funeral, ďItís been a while." This started out as a regular Occam Thoughts and then I wrote a bunch of words about Dragonís Dogma. So I guess Iím just going to talk about Dragonís Dogma. Hope you enjoy them.


Dragonís Dogma

The previews for this intrigued me. It gave me a Dark Souls meets fantasy vibe. I loved the muted, sad beauty of Dark Souls and the open world, go fight giant monsters with pawns concept set off all the right bells and whistles in my cloud king mind. When I finally got the game through Gamefly, I was excited to see if the hype was legitimate. My character was a tiny shriveled midget lady wizard. My first thought was of the psychic from Poltergeist.



I command the primal fucking forces of nature and I will hate fuck your secret places with my thought cock.


So I created my glorious post-menopausal midget wizard and had to choose a pawn. Well, what goes best with tiny people with bone deformities? Giant blind guys! So my pawn was roughly eleven feet tall, blind and talked like an Ent. These two were my Harold and Maude. Through the dozens of hours I would spend fighting monsters and walking everywhere, Iíd often imagine that when they rested together at night, unspoken desires would fuel their actions and he would spike her on his giant horse cock like someone throwing an overripe melon onto a stake.




The adventure began slowly enough. A dragon attacked my village and I bravely tried to defend it but no to no avail as the dragon easily defeated me and proceeded top fingerfuck my chest and eat my heart. So I was now Arisen, which meant that people expected things of me and I got 10% off all purchases made at TJ Maxx. I hurried through plot stuff (boooooring) as fast as I could until I reached a point where I could just wander. This is where the game shines. Simply walking around with your pawn and encountering new creatures and places is a joy that was both engrossing and engaging. I slayed goblins and harpies and wolvesÖoh yes, wolves. Iím not sure about the biology of wolves and their breeding cycle but I must have killed roughly 12,589 wolves so I guess in Dragonís Dogma land female wolves are just constantly giving birth. It got to the point where I would see a wolf pack and plead with them to leave me alone, that surely they can smell the wolf blood on me like a musk and that they have no chance of killing me. But no, they attacked and I burnt them to ash. If nothing else, I was thinning out the population so that's something at least.


The moment I ďgotĒ this game, (you know that moment when everything clicks and suddenly you can see the Matrix) was the first time I fought a Cyclops. The first time I fought one it was intense. I shot fire balls at its face. Pubert, my pawn, climbed its legs and hacked away at its back. My other pawns did stuff too but I wasnít fucking them nightly so who cares about them. When the cyclops finally toppled over, I felt powerful, like I had overcome a challenge and vanquished a for greater than myself using teamwork and strategy. However, as time went on and I played more, I realized that for the most part cyclopses just wanted to wander and lay down a bit and not be bothered with anyone. Their war cries werenít rage-fueled battle hymns, but cries of pain and fear. There was this creeping suspicion that cyclopses are like Blaster from Master Blaster in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. I began to feel more like George at the end of Of Mice and Men and less like Conan after he killed Wilt Chamberlain. So I tried to avoid them as best I could. However, I murdered every fucking Chimera I found. Those snake/goat/lion bastards can rot in hell. With their awful goat heads and snake tail spitting venom at you and the lion mouth being all ďBITE MOTHERFUCKER!Ē Fuck them.





Side note: anyone else find it kinda creepy how the ogres would go specifically for women in your party?


Graphically, it was a mixed bag. The details on the larger monsters were just lovely. They all popped on the screen and the attention to detail really made those grand battles something special. However, the rest of the world looked dull. Now I donít mean dull as in boring. I was fine with the idea of a relatively normal looking world inhabited by mythical beasts. I actually liked that a lot. Was more immersive than trying to lose myself in Ugthawar, Tree Palace to the Forest Elves or whatever grand place you have to visit in some fantasy rpgís. What I mean is that textures were muddy and pop-ins were frequent. I figured they had sacrificed world detail to make the creatures look fantastic. Most of the time, I was ok with this though there were moments I felt like I was strolling through a PS2 game, in that bad way.





My biggest complaint about the game was walking. You walk everywhere. My biggest challenge in the game was never killing the dragon or any monster, but having the patience to endure another 15 minute walk from point A to point B. There were stones you could find or purchase to fast travel but by the time I had hoarded away 10 or so I was almost finished with the game and they were mostly useless to me. Now I loved exploring the world. Discovering an entire country or monsters and caves and retarded cyclopses and child rapist chimeras is the beeís knees. However, I like to do that at my own pace and when I want to. Making me walk pretty much everywhere forced me to spend unnecessary hours traveling. When I was ready to do plot stuff, I still had to endure long walks which was irksome. I hope for a sequel they add fast travel, at least to major cities and areas to minimize the tedium.



As irritated as I would get at walking around so damn much, it should be a testament to how much
fun I had with the game when I hit the 70 hour mark with it. Gone are the halcyon days of 100+ hour games for me. Iím too busy with the waking world and get distracted by alcohol, cigarettes and masturbation. So when I drop that many hours into a game it must be doing something right, at least for me. At the end of my journey with Pubert, I found myself a grand mage who could whip monsters with a bolt of lightning and bring down the fucking Apocalypse onto the heads of my enemies. I had traveled across the country dozens upon dozens of times for quests and for funsies. I had built a chateau entirely out of wolf bones and wore a cape made of fetal chimera fur. I had slain the dragon and found that there was even more adventures awaiting me after the credits rolled. It was a wonderful game with flaws and Iím glad I played it. Should you be so inclined, I think Dragonís Dogma is worth your time too. And if not, well, we will always have that footage of the burning gryphon. Jesus, that one still haunts me.








So Bbain wrote this really badass post talking about 10 things we didnít know about him. Apparently this was a thing on the blogs many moons ago. It was warm and heartfelt and overall let us get a glimpse of who he is and his life. So in the spirit of that lovely post I wrote a 10 Things blog. Like to read it here it goes:




1) A pair of red Chuck Taylors were the catalyst for my amazing college experience. So letís go waaaaay back when to 1999. I was a doe-eyed and chubby 18 year-old. Fresh out of high school I had grown a pube collective on my chin and labeled it a goatee. I was terrible at meeting new people so I spent most of my time with my hands in my pockets staring down at shoes and wondering about boobs. As I was perpetually looking down I began to identify people by shoe type. Nike Air, Birkenstocks, flip flops, penny loafers, I saw it all.

During my second week in living in the dorm I was on the elevator going to my room when a pair of red Chuck Taylors got on next to me. Chuck Taylors! Oh who was this person? A veteran of the Grunge wars? Some other quiet introvert? Was he staring at my black Chuck Taylors and wondering about me? I swallowed back years of low self-esteem and forced myself to say, ďnice shoes.Ē From those 2 simple words spawned a friendship that would carry me through college and lead to all sorts of neat, debaucherous and amazing moments.




2) Jaws ruined water for me. I love ma and pa Occams dearly. They have always let me be myself and never tried to change who I was to fit some idea of what they thought normal is. This is a double edged sword though. See my folks are both older than traditional parents. So instead of playing catch in the yard (we did briefly but dad was tired after work and I really wanted to play Super Mario Bros 2) we would listen to the radio and heíd tell me stories about growing up in Memphis in the 40ís. Being older they also were tired. I am the last of 4 and by the time I came along, happy accident that I was, they had done the parenting thing enough to know that I was the last diaper they ever wanted to change. So Nintendo and tv were my babysitters. Now, Iím grateful for this. The pop culture knowledge I picked up has aided me greatly in my waking world. But see, the thing isÖwell, they let me see Jaws when I was 5.

This movie fucked. Me. Up. After I saw it, pretty much any body of water was designated a kill zone. Bath tubs were somewhat safe but I was fairly certain sharks could miniaturize themselves and swim through pipes. Swimming pools were terrifying to me. Oh sure, I can see the pool and thereís nothing in it but whatís to stop a shark from teleporting in and killing me? It was years before I swam comfortably in water. To this day I still wonít swim in lakes or the ocean. Pretty much any body of water that I canít see the bottom of is infested with sharks and/or water zombies in my mind.






3) My first cassettes purchases shaped my life. En Vogueís Free Your Mind and Sir Mix-A-Lotís Baby Got Back were the first two cassette tapes I ever purchased with my own money. To this day, Free Your Mind is one of my favorite songs ever and it also had the added bonus of putting me on the path to becoming a resplendent black grandmother. As for Baby Got Back, well, itís a classic of the 90ís and those who grew up with it seem to know it from heart even as we forget birthdays and phone numbers. Also, the sound of a cassette sliding into a tape deck is a really satisfying noise.




4) Iíve been here 3 years now. Yesterday, April 1st marked my 3 year anniversary here at Destrcutoid. I had a right lovely blog written about it full of reflections and anecdotes and pictures of succulent moments. However, I made the cardinal sin of writing it in the blog editor instead of in a word doc and Firefox crashed on me. All the succulence gone. But thatís life in a digital world. So let me take just a moment to say thank you for three wonderful years of silly pictures and happiness and making amazing friends and being part of a community that I am proud of. This place is my home and I owe that to everyone here.





5) Iím not a big fan of Legend of Zelda. I dunno, it just doesnít do much for me. I have seen all the console games played and beat numerous times over the years but for some reason Iím just not compelled to play them. Itís funny because I enjoy watching others play them. Wind Waker was beautiful and whimsical and Twilight Princess had a nice dark fairy tale vibe. Just for some reason when I pick up the controller and try to play I get bored. You canít deny the influence of the series or the importance of it, but for this gamer it just never had much of a place in my world.





6) Iím related to a famous writer. I am related to Southern Gothic writer Flannery OíConnor. She wrote strange and wonderful stories about fucked up people. I always thought growing up that I had some writing legacy to uphold but as I grew older I realized I wasnít much of a writer. Thoughter might be a better word for what I do. Iím fairly good at thoughts. Oh, and metaphors. If there was some kind of metaphor writing job for The Onion I would apply. But yeah, I am related to this amazing writer and Iím proud of that. She raised peacocks and was quiet and died of lupus. Pretty badass lady.





7) I never had grandparents. Because of my parents being older, I never really had grandparents. Dadís folks died before I was born and momís folks were both very ill and werenít really around (or aware) when I came along. Think this played a big part in me appreciating older folks. They have stories and perspective and like to take their time and think about stuff. They smile warmly and have kind eyes. I am fortunate to have a friend, sheís 84 and once a month I go to her house and we just chat. Everything from the weather to growing up to our favorite dishes at Piccadillyís. I try not to think of her as a surrogate grandmother though I believe that part of our friendship is based on the fact that I never had grandparents and she never had grandkids. So if you have grandparents give them a hug and ask them about their lives. I bet they have some amazing stories to tell.





8) I played football for a few weeks in 8th grade. 8th grade was a weird time for me. I was a colonel in the grunge army, rocking my flannel as a badge of honor. It was also around the time puberty decided it was time to party. In the throes of a biochemical reimagining (isnít that a fancy way to say puberty?) I decided that in order to please my father I should play football. He was excited. Though not overly sporty he enjoyed the game and was happy to see me join a team. We made the agreement that I would play for one season and see if it was something I wanted to pursue.

Well, a week in and I fucking hated it. Practice sucked. I had to run a lot and had no clue what a scrimmage was much less why a line was used to define it. My helmet smelled like stale sweat and regret. I dreaded each day. So I told my father that I wasnít happy and that I wanted to quit. He said no. I said I wasnít happy and made a mistake thinking this was something I wanted to do. He said no. I told him I would run away. He said no. We didnít talk much after that. I should point out that this was the only moment in my familyís recorded history that my father and I werenít on speaking terms.

So one week dad goes out of town on business and mom, being a kind and understanding woman who also hated having to drag her miserable son to boring 8th grade football games on the weekend told me to just quit. So I did. Let me tell you, the weight that was lifted from me after I left the coachís office that day was as close to ecstasy as I had felt in my meager years of existence. Then mom and I called dad at his hotel in Texas and told him I had quit. What happened next was amazing. I had a ring side seat to my parents fighting. Yelling happened. My dad roared his disapproval. My mom, usually reserved and demure straight up went into Steel Magnolia mode and ruined his shit. She did that ďIím very quiet right now but you can tell that I could punch you in half I am so angryĒ mode and with a few unwavering phrases, the matter was resolved. I was allowed to quit football and go back to my natural climate of a dark room and a Super Nintendo. Big ups to mom for being awesome.







9) I decorate my car. A few years back I realized that my car was sorely lacking in decorations. So I decided to use the back area as a sort of staging ground for some of my toys and crucifixes. Iím letting time and the sun do what it will with them. Its not pictured but I have a Batmobile toy from the original movie that is slowly warping into an entirely new shape. Its all very exciting.

My favorite thing in my car is my skeleton. I picked her up a few years ago after Halloween at the Goodwill. Then I took some of my momís doll clothes and some of my crucifixes and the rest was history. I love the fact that the weight of the crucifixes over the years has changed her shape. I get a lot of queer looks from people at red lights but I just smile and thank my skeleton for being the best car pool buddy ever.




10) Iím really a nine year-old Egyptian girl. Iím really a nine year-old Egyptian girl.


Thanks for reading. This is a really fun way to get to know one another better so if the spirit grabs you then go ahead and write your own. It's a hoot!








When did kiddy pools not become a thing anymore? I used to love those when I was young. Then as I entered college they became associated with drinking and tomfoolery. Though I think the idea of sitting in a kiddy pool now in a yard watching traffic go by would essentially be you laying in a socially accepted public bathtub. Plus they doubled as neat hiding places for criminals running through backyards even though the cops always found them. I mean, who leaves a kiddy pool turned upside down? Thatís just unnatural.


I am mentally bankrupt today. My mindís just an old cereal bowl with vaguely pink milk resting at the bottom. I blame Friday. And Obamacare. That's a fun word. I think I'll make it my new safe word. Despite my quiet mind, I would like to share with all of you some of my thoughts. So here you go. I hope you enjoy it.




Asuraís Wrath was a game I played and beat. If you like anime and over the top ridiculousness and screaming anger men then this is the game for you. It reminds me of all those fun moments in anime when the protagonist is fighting some bad guy and getting the shit kicked out of him. Then all of a sudden he has this moment where heís all like ďI MISS MY WIIIIIIFE!Ē and the sky catches fire and protagonist punches the bad guyís face off. That pretty much sums up the game. I like how it was divided into chapters and had credits and all that. The game felt like an experiment that for me worked really well. Not sure if itís $60 good but definitely worth a rental and a purchase down the road when its cheaper.




Iíve been playing a lot of Team Fortress 2 lately. PC gaming is a strange thing for me. I am mainly a console guy. Itís how I did the majority of my gaming growing up and where I am most comfortable. However, the PC has some truly amazing games on it so Iím always looking out for new things to play. And like an old porno mag you know so well and trust with your orgasm, I go back to Team Fortress 2 time and time again. You might be wondering why in the age of internet porn, why would I look at a magazine? Well for the same reason you keep your dadís ashes in a coffee can with googley eyes glued to it and accuse it of holding you back from your true potential.

Now Team Fortress 2 is, to me, the best Adult Swim comedy ever. And not those silly shows where its all non sequitur shit like Taco Fart Island! or whatever Tim and Eric do but quality stuff, like Venture Bros or Moral Orel (fun fact: The last season of Moral Orel is the best thing ever to come out on Adult Swim). Valve has taken these basic classes that have been around for years and breathed life into them. From the Heavyís borderline sexual relationship he has with his mini-gun to the Pyroís androgynous nature, its all just so lovely that I am enthralled by the characters as much as I dig the game play. Plus, I just love getting these random weapons and items. Its an incentive to play and using the robust crafting system I can make new weapons and hats. Fun times. If you are looking for an FPS to play on PC and have never tried Team Fortress 2, you should. Itís free to play now and easy to jump into. Oh, one complaint: the crates. I don't want to buy keys to unlock the crates. Qalamari had a great idea of being able to destroy 5 crates to make a key. That'd be nice.




Lastly Iíve been playing Mass Effect 3. Now I havenít beaten it so going through the c-blogs and Twitter is about as fun as moonwalking through a minefield currently. Iím already rather irked that I know the smidge of info that I do know regarding the ending. But so far at least I am fucking loving the game. A strong narrative, great combat and reuniting with old crew members has been a treat. My only complaint, besides that fact that I donít think Iíll get an Elcor as a crew member is that the majority of the armor I have been able to purchase is kinda meh stats-wise compared to the parts I can pick up for Shepardís regular N7 armor. I wish you could customize your existing armor with purchased stuff. A mix and match armor Shepard, in all hot pink of course, would be amazing.

So Iíll keep on enjoying my playthrough and let the ending be what it is. All this hullabaloo about it has left me a bit jaded about gamers. Demanding Bioware changes the endingÖseems petty and silly to me. I mean, Iíd like to have seen the last episode of Golden Girls end in a scissor fest followed by a quiet farewell dinner at Red Lobster but you donít see me filing complaints with the FTC. Speaking of Red Lobster, people LOVE to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries at Red Lobster. Personally Iím more of a Greek fan but Jesus, I see a lot of truckers and their bouffant hair-doíed wives their munching on Cheddar Bay Biscuits like they are angel pussy.





That was a lot of word dumping so now I think Iíll do some quick hits:

-Secret World needs to come out. That shit looks awesome.

-Iím on a podcast called the Secret Moon Base podcast. We are theSMBpodcast on Twitter and we have a blog here but my computer is being a dick and I can't link to it. Itís a lot of fun and often times Iím naked when we record.

-Darksiders 2 keeps looking better and better, like when your mom went to Glamour Shots and made a sexy calendar for your dad for their wedding anniversary.

-Iíve started hanging out in the forums a bit. There are some good folk there. A lot of funny people and a pretty tight knit community. Donít let the rumors scare you away, they use the non-sticky bondage tape so you donít have to wear long sleeve shirts to visit your parents.

-Big ups to Mr. Andy Dixon, aka the Gootch, aka Pink Drizzle, aka Bone Daddy on becoming Community Blog Manager. I canít think of another person Iíd want to watch over and keep safe the c-blogs and all of us here. Plus he lets me be the big spoon so Iím a little biased.

-Gourmet corn dogs. Where you at? I see gourmet hamburgers and hot dogs and mac ní cheese but where the fuck are my gourmet corn dogs?

So that's it for me. Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Personally, I'm going to celebrate my dad's 76th birthday with him and my family. We will throw knives at the tree of regret and drink clear fluids till we love each other. It should be a hoot.