The time is 1:56 am in the morning here in the waking world. I'm a few glasses of wine relaxed and have been thinking a bit about the site. I don't often have an outlet to just speak my mind in the waking world. Being an adult and all means that 98% of the people I encounter won't appreciate my Baby Jessica macaroni art. But here, I can talking about all sorts of random shit and someone usually gets it, or at least gets a chuckle out of it. The reason I have loved and continue to love this site is that we share ourselves. For many of us, we aren't just screen names and words on a screen. We are people and even though we may never meet, we build relationships online. We come to respect one another, even when we disagree and think the art for Darksiders 2 is amazing.

A long time ago when I was relatively new here I started giving out decoder rings to people who posted their intro cblog. I think I was inspired by the Little Orphan Annie decoder ring from A Christmas Story. I still chuckle at "drink more Ovaltine." Have you ever had Ovaltine? It tastes like grandma pussy mixed with a mint julep.

Ok, Occam, focus. We have a point here.

So yeah, these decoder rings and the message to thrive with the community and give us your thoughts and words and ideas so we can love you may seem kinda hokey but I mean it. I have made some amazing friends on this site and if Destructoid were to be shut down tomorrow, those friendships would continue. That's a legacy, folks. I'll always owe Destructoid a huge debt of gratitude for being the place in which I would make friends after a very long time of me thinking I was pretty much going to be a hermit for the rest of my days. I made those friends by taking a chance and joining an Friday Night Fight on xbox 360 and stepping outside of the hermit world I live in and just talking with cool people. I made myself step out of the rather comfortable status of being a lurker into something far more awkward. It worked better than I could have ever imagined.

Its a scary thing to be a new member on a website. There are established groups, in-jokes, rules, specific language, personalities and lord knows what else you have to encounter and deal with to become part of the site. I went through it and felt very discouraged that people didn't really comment on my blogs and my front page comments were largely ignored. But I kept trying and every time someone responded to what I had to say, in all my rambling glory, it pushed me forward to try and get to know the community better and let them get to know me. That's why its so damn important that we as a community show love to new members. Its an intimidating thing to post that first blog or intro post on the forums or say hello in Outer Heaven but you have to remember that this is a person reaching out and putting themselves out there for all of us to engage. If you love the site and the people here, just try and make them feel welcome. Encourage them to post and come back.

Also, regarding the cblogs, if you see something that you think is front page worthy, tell Andy Dixon. He's a gentle lover and a badass fella but he's got a life in the waking world just like the rest of us and can't read and analyze each and every blog for front page status. So if you read something and it makes your mango peach heart swell, shoot him a PM saying so.

Anywho, I was just thinking about the past few blogs about Dtoid and wanted to put this out there. I love this damn place and its because of the people in it. Lets all make it the best community we can.

To quote Staind, the only band I want to play at my wedding and my funeral, “It’s been a while." This started out as a regular Occam Thoughts and then I wrote a bunch of words about Dragon’s Dogma. So I guess I’m just going to talk about Dragon’s Dogma. Hope you enjoy them.


Dragon’s Dogma

The previews for this intrigued me. It gave me a Dark Souls meets fantasy vibe. I loved the muted, sad beauty of Dark Souls and the open world, go fight giant monsters with pawns concept set off all the right bells and whistles in my cloud king mind. When I finally got the game through Gamefly, I was excited to see if the hype was legitimate. My character was a tiny shriveled midget lady wizard. My first thought was of the psychic from Poltergeist.



I command the primal fucking forces of nature and I will hate fuck your secret places with my thought cock.


So I created my glorious post-menopausal midget wizard and had to choose a pawn. Well, what goes best with tiny people with bone deformities? Giant blind guys! So my pawn was roughly eleven feet tall, blind and talked like an Ent. These two were my Harold and Maude. Through the dozens of hours I would spend fighting monsters and walking everywhere, I’d often imagine that when they rested together at night, unspoken desires would fuel their actions and he would spike her on his giant horse cock like someone throwing an overripe melon onto a stake.




The adventure began slowly enough. A dragon attacked my village and I bravely tried to defend it but no to no avail as the dragon easily defeated me and proceeded top fingerfuck my chest and eat my heart. So I was now Arisen, which meant that people expected things of me and I got 10% off all purchases made at TJ Maxx. I hurried through plot stuff (boooooring) as fast as I could until I reached a point where I could just wander. This is where the game shines. Simply walking around with your pawn and encountering new creatures and places is a joy that was both engrossing and engaging. I slayed goblins and harpies and wolves…oh yes, wolves. I’m not sure about the biology of wolves and their breeding cycle but I must have killed roughly 12,589 wolves so I guess in Dragon’s Dogma land female wolves are just constantly giving birth. It got to the point where I would see a wolf pack and plead with them to leave me alone, that surely they can smell the wolf blood on me like a musk and that they have no chance of killing me. But no, they attacked and I burnt them to ash. If nothing else, I was thinning out the population so that's something at least.


The moment I “got” this game, (you know that moment when everything clicks and suddenly you can see the Matrix) was the first time I fought a Cyclops. The first time I fought one it was intense. I shot fire balls at its face. Pubert, my pawn, climbed its legs and hacked away at its back. My other pawns did stuff too but I wasn’t fucking them nightly so who cares about them. When the cyclops finally toppled over, I felt powerful, like I had overcome a challenge and vanquished a for greater than myself using teamwork and strategy. However, as time went on and I played more, I realized that for the most part cyclopses just wanted to wander and lay down a bit and not be bothered with anyone. Their war cries weren’t rage-fueled battle hymns, but cries of pain and fear. There was this creeping suspicion that cyclopses are like Blaster from Master Blaster in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. I began to feel more like George at the end of Of Mice and Men and less like Conan after he killed Wilt Chamberlain. So I tried to avoid them as best I could. However, I murdered every fucking Chimera I found. Those snake/goat/lion bastards can rot in hell. With their awful goat heads and snake tail spitting venom at you and the lion mouth being all “BITE MOTHERFUCKER!” Fuck them.





Side note: anyone else find it kinda creepy how the ogres would go specifically for women in your party?


Graphically, it was a mixed bag. The details on the larger monsters were just lovely. They all popped on the screen and the attention to detail really made those grand battles something special. However, the rest of the world looked dull. Now I don’t mean dull as in boring. I was fine with the idea of a relatively normal looking world inhabited by mythical beasts. I actually liked that a lot. Was more immersive than trying to lose myself in Ugthawar, Tree Palace to the Forest Elves or whatever grand place you have to visit in some fantasy rpg’s. What I mean is that textures were muddy and pop-ins were frequent. I figured they had sacrificed world detail to make the creatures look fantastic. Most of the time, I was ok with this though there were moments I felt like I was strolling through a PS2 game, in that bad way.





My biggest complaint about the game was walking. You walk everywhere. My biggest challenge in the game was never killing the dragon or any monster, but having the patience to endure another 15 minute walk from point A to point B. There were stones you could find or purchase to fast travel but by the time I had hoarded away 10 or so I was almost finished with the game and they were mostly useless to me. Now I loved exploring the world. Discovering an entire country or monsters and caves and retarded cyclopses and child rapist chimeras is the bee’s knees. However, I like to do that at my own pace and when I want to. Making me walk pretty much everywhere forced me to spend unnecessary hours traveling. When I was ready to do plot stuff, I still had to endure long walks which was irksome. I hope for a sequel they add fast travel, at least to major cities and areas to minimize the tedium.



As irritated as I would get at walking around so damn much, it should be a testament to how much
fun I had with the game when I hit the 70 hour mark with it. Gone are the halcyon days of 100+ hour games for me. I’m too busy with the waking world and get distracted by alcohol, cigarettes and masturbation. So when I drop that many hours into a game it must be doing something right, at least for me. At the end of my journey with Pubert, I found myself a grand mage who could whip monsters with a bolt of lightning and bring down the fucking Apocalypse onto the heads of my enemies. I had traveled across the country dozens upon dozens of times for quests and for funsies. I had built a chateau entirely out of wolf bones and wore a cape made of fetal chimera fur. I had slain the dragon and found that there was even more adventures awaiting me after the credits rolled. It was a wonderful game with flaws and I’m glad I played it. Should you be so inclined, I think Dragon’s Dogma is worth your time too. And if not, well, we will always have that footage of the burning gryphon. Jesus, that one still haunts me.

So Bbain wrote this really badass post talking about 10 things we didn’t know about him. Apparently this was a thing on the blogs many moons ago. It was warm and heartfelt and overall let us get a glimpse of who he is and his life. So in the spirit of that lovely post I wrote a 10 Things blog. Like to read it here it goes:




1) A pair of red Chuck Taylors were the catalyst for my amazing college experience. So let’s go waaaaay back when to 1999. I was a doe-eyed and chubby 18 year-old. Fresh out of high school I had grown a pube collective on my chin and labeled it a goatee. I was terrible at meeting new people so I spent most of my time with my hands in my pockets staring down at shoes and wondering about boobs. As I was perpetually looking down I began to identify people by shoe type. Nike Air, Birkenstocks, flip flops, penny loafers, I saw it all.

During my second week in living in the dorm I was on the elevator going to my room when a pair of red Chuck Taylors got on next to me. Chuck Taylors! Oh who was this person? A veteran of the Grunge wars? Some other quiet introvert? Was he staring at my black Chuck Taylors and wondering about me? I swallowed back years of low self-esteem and forced myself to say, “nice shoes.” From those 2 simple words spawned a friendship that would carry me through college and lead to all sorts of neat, debaucherous and amazing moments.




2) Jaws ruined water for me. I love ma and pa Occams dearly. They have always let me be myself and never tried to change who I was to fit some idea of what they thought normal is. This is a double edged sword though. See my folks are both older than traditional parents. So instead of playing catch in the yard (we did briefly but dad was tired after work and I really wanted to play Super Mario Bros 2) we would listen to the radio and he’d tell me stories about growing up in Memphis in the 40’s. Being older they also were tired. I am the last of 4 and by the time I came along, happy accident that I was, they had done the parenting thing enough to know that I was the last diaper they ever wanted to change. So Nintendo and tv were my babysitters. Now, I’m grateful for this. The pop culture knowledge I picked up has aided me greatly in my waking world. But see, the thing is…well, they let me see Jaws when I was 5.

This movie fucked. Me. Up. After I saw it, pretty much any body of water was designated a kill zone. Bath tubs were somewhat safe but I was fairly certain sharks could miniaturize themselves and swim through pipes. Swimming pools were terrifying to me. Oh sure, I can see the pool and there’s nothing in it but what’s to stop a shark from teleporting in and killing me? It was years before I swam comfortably in water. To this day I still won’t swim in lakes or the ocean. Pretty much any body of water that I can’t see the bottom of is infested with sharks and/or water zombies in my mind.






3) My first cassettes purchases shaped my life. En Vogue’s Free Your Mind and Sir Mix-A-Lot’s Baby Got Back were the first two cassette tapes I ever purchased with my own money. To this day, Free Your Mind is one of my favorite songs ever and it also had the added bonus of putting me on the path to becoming a resplendent black grandmother. As for Baby Got Back, well, it’s a classic of the 90’s and those who grew up with it seem to know it from heart even as we forget birthdays and phone numbers. Also, the sound of a cassette sliding into a tape deck is a really satisfying noise.




4) I’ve been here 3 years now. Yesterday, April 1st marked my 3 year anniversary here at Destrcutoid. I had a right lovely blog written about it full of reflections and anecdotes and pictures of succulent moments. However, I made the cardinal sin of writing it in the blog editor instead of in a word doc and Firefox crashed on me. All the succulence gone. But that’s life in a digital world. So let me take just a moment to say thank you for three wonderful years of silly pictures and happiness and making amazing friends and being part of a community that I am proud of. This place is my home and I owe that to everyone here.





5) I’m not a big fan of Legend of Zelda. I dunno, it just doesn’t do much for me. I have seen all the console games played and beat numerous times over the years but for some reason I’m just not compelled to play them. It’s funny because I enjoy watching others play them. Wind Waker was beautiful and whimsical and Twilight Princess had a nice dark fairy tale vibe. Just for some reason when I pick up the controller and try to play I get bored. You can’t deny the influence of the series or the importance of it, but for this gamer it just never had much of a place in my world.





6) I’m related to a famous writer. I am related to Southern Gothic writer Flannery O’Connor. She wrote strange and wonderful stories about fucked up people. I always thought growing up that I had some writing legacy to uphold but as I grew older I realized I wasn’t much of a writer. Thoughter might be a better word for what I do. I’m fairly good at thoughts. Oh, and metaphors. If there was some kind of metaphor writing job for The Onion I would apply. But yeah, I am related to this amazing writer and I’m proud of that. She raised peacocks and was quiet and died of lupus. Pretty badass lady.





7) I never had grandparents. Because of my parents being older, I never really had grandparents. Dad’s folks died before I was born and mom’s folks were both very ill and weren’t really around (or aware) when I came along. Think this played a big part in me appreciating older folks. They have stories and perspective and like to take their time and think about stuff. They smile warmly and have kind eyes. I am fortunate to have a friend, she’s 84 and once a month I go to her house and we just chat. Everything from the weather to growing up to our favorite dishes at Piccadilly’s. I try not to think of her as a surrogate grandmother though I believe that part of our friendship is based on the fact that I never had grandparents and she never had grandkids. So if you have grandparents give them a hug and ask them about their lives. I bet they have some amazing stories to tell.





8) I played football for a few weeks in 8th grade. 8th grade was a weird time for me. I was a colonel in the grunge army, rocking my flannel as a badge of honor. It was also around the time puberty decided it was time to party. In the throes of a biochemical reimagining (isn’t that a fancy way to say puberty?) I decided that in order to please my father I should play football. He was excited. Though not overly sporty he enjoyed the game and was happy to see me join a team. We made the agreement that I would play for one season and see if it was something I wanted to pursue.

Well, a week in and I fucking hated it. Practice sucked. I had to run a lot and had no clue what a scrimmage was much less why a line was used to define it. My helmet smelled like stale sweat and regret. I dreaded each day. So I told my father that I wasn’t happy and that I wanted to quit. He said no. I said I wasn’t happy and made a mistake thinking this was something I wanted to do. He said no. I told him I would run away. He said no. We didn’t talk much after that. I should point out that this was the only moment in my family’s recorded history that my father and I weren’t on speaking terms.

So one week dad goes out of town on business and mom, being a kind and understanding woman who also hated having to drag her miserable son to boring 8th grade football games on the weekend told me to just quit. So I did. Let me tell you, the weight that was lifted from me after I left the coach’s office that day was as close to ecstasy as I had felt in my meager years of existence. Then mom and I called dad at his hotel in Texas and told him I had quit. What happened next was amazing. I had a ring side seat to my parents fighting. Yelling happened. My dad roared his disapproval. My mom, usually reserved and demure straight up went into Steel Magnolia mode and ruined his shit. She did that “I’m very quiet right now but you can tell that I could punch you in half I am so angry” mode and with a few unwavering phrases, the matter was resolved. I was allowed to quit football and go back to my natural climate of a dark room and a Super Nintendo. Big ups to mom for being awesome.







9) I decorate my car. A few years back I realized that my car was sorely lacking in decorations. So I decided to use the back area as a sort of staging ground for some of my toys and crucifixes. I’m letting time and the sun do what it will with them. Its not pictured but I have a Batmobile toy from the original movie that is slowly warping into an entirely new shape. Its all very exciting.

My favorite thing in my car is my skeleton. I picked her up a few years ago after Halloween at the Goodwill. Then I took some of my mom’s doll clothes and some of my crucifixes and the rest was history. I love the fact that the weight of the crucifixes over the years has changed her shape. I get a lot of queer looks from people at red lights but I just smile and thank my skeleton for being the best car pool buddy ever.




10) I’m really a nine year-old Egyptian girl. I’m really a nine year-old Egyptian girl.


Thanks for reading. This is a really fun way to get to know one another better so if the spirit grabs you then go ahead and write your own. It's a hoot!

When did kiddy pools not become a thing anymore? I used to love those when I was young. Then as I entered college they became associated with drinking and tomfoolery. Though I think the idea of sitting in a kiddy pool now in a yard watching traffic go by would essentially be you laying in a socially accepted public bathtub. Plus they doubled as neat hiding places for criminals running through backyards even though the cops always found them. I mean, who leaves a kiddy pool turned upside down? That’s just unnatural.


I am mentally bankrupt today. My mind’s just an old cereal bowl with vaguely pink milk resting at the bottom. I blame Friday. And Obamacare. That's a fun word. I think I'll make it my new safe word. Despite my quiet mind, I would like to share with all of you some of my thoughts. So here you go. I hope you enjoy it.




Asura’s Wrath was a game I played and beat. If you like anime and over the top ridiculousness and screaming anger men then this is the game for you. It reminds me of all those fun moments in anime when the protagonist is fighting some bad guy and getting the shit kicked out of him. Then all of a sudden he has this moment where he’s all like “I MISS MY WIIIIIIFE!” and the sky catches fire and protagonist punches the bad guy’s face off. That pretty much sums up the game. I like how it was divided into chapters and had credits and all that. The game felt like an experiment that for me worked really well. Not sure if it’s $60 good but definitely worth a rental and a purchase down the road when its cheaper.




I’ve been playing a lot of Team Fortress 2 lately. PC gaming is a strange thing for me. I am mainly a console guy. It’s how I did the majority of my gaming growing up and where I am most comfortable. However, the PC has some truly amazing games on it so I’m always looking out for new things to play. And like an old porno mag you know so well and trust with your orgasm, I go back to Team Fortress 2 time and time again. You might be wondering why in the age of internet porn, why would I look at a magazine? Well for the same reason you keep your dad’s ashes in a coffee can with googley eyes glued to it and accuse it of holding you back from your true potential.

Now Team Fortress 2 is, to me, the best Adult Swim comedy ever. And not those silly shows where its all non sequitur shit like Taco Fart Island! or whatever Tim and Eric do but quality stuff, like Venture Bros or Moral Orel (fun fact: The last season of Moral Orel is the best thing ever to come out on Adult Swim). Valve has taken these basic classes that have been around for years and breathed life into them. From the Heavy’s borderline sexual relationship he has with his mini-gun to the Pyro’s androgynous nature, its all just so lovely that I am enthralled by the characters as much as I dig the game play. Plus, I just love getting these random weapons and items. Its an incentive to play and using the robust crafting system I can make new weapons and hats. Fun times. If you are looking for an FPS to play on PC and have never tried Team Fortress 2, you should. It’s free to play now and easy to jump into. Oh, one complaint: the crates. I don't want to buy keys to unlock the crates. Qalamari had a great idea of being able to destroy 5 crates to make a key. That'd be nice.




Lastly I’ve been playing Mass Effect 3. Now I haven’t beaten it so going through the c-blogs and Twitter is about as fun as moonwalking through a minefield currently. I’m already rather irked that I know the smidge of info that I do know regarding the ending. But so far at least I am fucking loving the game. A strong narrative, great combat and reuniting with old crew members has been a treat. My only complaint, besides that fact that I don’t think I’ll get an Elcor as a crew member is that the majority of the armor I have been able to purchase is kinda meh stats-wise compared to the parts I can pick up for Shepard’s regular N7 armor. I wish you could customize your existing armor with purchased stuff. A mix and match armor Shepard, in all hot pink of course, would be amazing.

So I’ll keep on enjoying my playthrough and let the ending be what it is. All this hullabaloo about it has left me a bit jaded about gamers. Demanding Bioware changes the ending…seems petty and silly to me. I mean, I’d like to have seen the last episode of Golden Girls end in a scissor fest followed by a quiet farewell dinner at Red Lobster but you don’t see me filing complaints with the FTC. Speaking of Red Lobster, people LOVE to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries at Red Lobster. Personally I’m more of a Greek fan but Jesus, I see a lot of truckers and their bouffant hair-do’ed wives their munching on Cheddar Bay Biscuits like they are angel pussy.





That was a lot of word dumping so now I think I’ll do some quick hits:

-Secret World needs to come out. That shit looks awesome.

-I’m on a podcast called the Secret Moon Base podcast. We are theSMBpodcast on Twitter and we have a blog here but my computer is being a dick and I can't link to it. It’s a lot of fun and often times I’m naked when we record.

-Darksiders 2 keeps looking better and better, like when your mom went to Glamour Shots and made a sexy calendar for your dad for their wedding anniversary.

-I’ve started hanging out in the forums a bit. There are some good folk there. A lot of funny people and a pretty tight knit community. Don’t let the rumors scare you away, they use the non-sticky bondage tape so you don’t have to wear long sleeve shirts to visit your parents.

-Big ups to Mr. Andy Dixon, aka the Gootch, aka Pink Drizzle, aka Bone Daddy on becoming Community Blog Manager. I can’t think of another person I’d want to watch over and keep safe the c-blogs and all of us here. Plus he lets me be the big spoon so I’m a little biased.

-Gourmet corn dogs. Where you at? I see gourmet hamburgers and hot dogs and mac n’ cheese but where the fuck are my gourmet corn dogs?

So that's it for me. Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Personally, I'm going to celebrate my dad's 76th birthday with him and my family. We will throw knives at the tree of regret and drink clear fluids till we love each other. It should be a hoot.

Hello everyone. How are you? How's the weather where you are? Its cold here. I'm wearing a robe currently and sipping a Bud Light Lime. I feel like a metrosexual Nescafe commercial. A while back community member Randombullseye posted a blog featuring some of his cherished Godzilla toys with some of his cherished games. Well, I Ioved the concept of it so much that I decided to do my own combination of stuff/games that I cherish. Thanks for the idea, Random. So without further ado, I give you all some of my favorite games with some of my favorite stuff:




-Here we have my Juggernaut figure with my copy of The Secret of Mana. I like the raw strength and blue collar persona of Cain Marko coupled with the gentle, more playful style of Secret of Mana. Its like someone has the word "fisting" tattooed on the neck but its in a very dainty script.




-This is my copy of Xenogears standing next to my crushed marble cast of Mary's face from the Pieta. The Pieta, as we all know, is Michelangelo's statue of the Virgin Mary holding a recently deceased Jesus. It has always reminded me of beauty and grace and the raw potential of mankind. Xenogears made me aware that video games could be complex and thought provoking without sacrificing beauty or style. These two were made for each other in my wizard eyes.





-One of my most cherished comic books along with a game that kept me in good stead long into my young adult years. Picked the comic up at a shop a few years back and felt like a piece of the puzzle fell into place. The game has been crushed into my heart like a digital bear hug and stuck behind my eyes since I was 12. As a life long fan of the Punisher, I have to say that these two items are my most cherished possessions regarding Frank Castle.




-Earthbound. A prosthetic claw arm. Two things that make me a better man and arguably the best Occam I know how to be. When I found Earthbound I was but a boy, lost in the dark wood of puberty, grasping blindly at the concept of boobs and the Grunge movement. Then Earthbound broke the hormonal chains that bound me and I was free to experience life in its most sacred and profane moments. This game is a life changer in terms of how you see video games. The prosthetic claw arm is memento from a time when medical science was a bit more draconian in how it dealt with people. But as scary as the claw can be, there is also a certain badass quality to it. Like yeah, I might be missing an arm but I could pinch your nipple off and eat it like a pepperoni if you fuck with me. There's a cold comfort to be found in that thought.




-Cthulhu with his deathless sleep in R"yleh has always been a monster I admired. Trapped. Waiting. Cephalopod. I think we can all relate to the ideas of being stuck and waiting for our moment to shine (or devour the souls of the human race, either/or). Now Rule of Rose, that's a rare gem. This game is without a doubt one of the most fucked up games I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. In the same way the thought of a city designed using Non-Euclidian geometry makes my head ache, so do the memories of the horrifying cut scenes of Rule of Rose. I want to recommend this game to all of you but I'm not sure if its a matter of "had to be there" much like being a life long U2 fan or if the subversiveness of it would get under your skin and fester.




-These are the crown jewels of my strategy collection tiara. The Earthbound guide especially with its clay figures for enemy portraits and scratch and sniff cards felt so right to a young named Occam. These games had a huge part in my education and upbringing as a child of the 90's who played video games. They are the foundation on which I would grow to build my likes and loves for rpg's and story and characters and video game music and so many other aspect of the medium. These guides are damn near friends to me, in part because I'm a dreamer and in part because I was in a boating accident that left me with minor brain damage so I talk to inanimate objects.




-Fun fact: Dark Crystal is my favorite movie of all time. Its a perfect creative moment for me so in my adult years I have tried to acquire tangible manifestations of that love. Enter my statues. I'm proudest of my Garthim I think. Its a beautiful design, cold and wicked and neat. Now Jet Grind Radio is another perfect creative moment for me. I remember playing this game and something suddenly clicking in my head like I'd just figured out I was the kwisatz haderach of my own world. I know a lot of good and wonderful folk who cite this game as awakening a desire in them to search out new art and music and try something new. How lovely is that?




-Shadow Hearts: Covenant will go down in history as one of the most creative, quirky (not in that fake Zooey Deschanel way) and imaginative rpg's ever. There is a character who is a vampire luchador that at one point uses a model of the Nautilus submarine as a weapon. Jesus Christ folks, thats a perfect fucking sentence to me. Along with this glorious game is my sleepy kitty, Pris. If I ever get married she will be the ring bearer. Along with her is my fetal rat Templeton. He's a tad bit anti-semetic but we are working on that.




-I remember playing the digital shit out of this game in high school. I loved it. The Ra-Serus on your arm that grew as you leveled, the fighting styles, the creatures you could summon. It was like a book I never wanted to put down. So my friends and I played this and completed it and we still talk about how much fun we had playing it. My copy sits proudly next to my General Dog picture. I don't know much about General Dog beyond the fact that the war took his family and left his heart cold and his mind hell bent on destroying the enemy. Oh and that he comes in an antique frame. So that's neat.




-Final Fantasy 2 (as my cartridge says) is one of those games that helped define a genre for a generation. It, along with Final Fantasy 3 (as my cartridge says) were the two games that got me into this whole "video game" craze and kept me going well into puberty. The Rancor has to be one of my favorite Star Wars toys ever. It looks like King Kong fucked a giant flea and this was made. Its that hard "brain a new born" plastic that they stopped using when toys had to be safe in the mid 90's. Its just a great toy. So my Rancor holds Final Fantasy 2 high above its head. There's pride in its eyes and bits of Gamorean flesh in between its teeth.




-As some of you may know, Mike Haggar is my biological father. He's a good man who stands up for whats right and isn't afraid to wear a belt instead of a shirt. He beats gang members to death with metal pipes while wearing khakis. Khakis, folks. These are the pants of servitude. That takes a fully realized human being to do that. I love you dad. The monkey statues are old and creepy and look like they were witness to a murder. So yeah, that fits all the Occam criteria right there.


So there you are folks. Some things I cherish along with some games I cherish. Hope you enjoyed it. Thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to walk down the cobble stone streets of my Wintergreen Life Saver mind with me.

I feel like I need to warn you. NeverDead was recently released for consoles and it’s bad. Very bad. I’m talking changing uncle Pete’s diaper bad. I Gamefly’d it hoping for a fun if somewhat silly action game where I shot and chopped demons to bits. The previews I had seen looked interesting and between the dismemberment mechanic and Sangria, the poncey frogbirdladyman demon antagonist, I was fairly stoked to try this out. So imagine my horror when I started to play it and it was terrible. I played for an hour and a half then put it back in the gamefly envelope and mailed it back this morning. So I’ve come here to warn you the best way I know how: random pictures and words. Godspeed.










The life warmth between your grandmother’s legs suddenly going cold.





Being trapped in a Bath and Body Works. Forever.





Your mother wearing a jean jacket with the word “fingerblast” bedazzled on the back.





Fred Durst’s cover of Behind Blue Eyes.





Klhoe Kardashian's new body spray called "Upper Lip".





NeverDead is a sad and broken thing, like a baby coffin filled with wedding rings from a pawn shop. Avoid it. There are better games to play and better ways to spend your time. Nier is flawed but has a brilliant story and an amazing soundtrack. Alpha Protocol has a certain, three legged dog-esque charm. These are games that fell below the radar for the most part but have something going for them that surpasses their weaknesses. I can embrace the beauty of a flawed game. They always remind me of enjoying the Puppet Master movies as a kid. However, a bad bad game, where its pretty much just a visual representation of your parents' sex noises...I can't fully support that.