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11:21 PM on 05.25.2008

How To Stomp GH: World Tour

I wish for a more complicated Drum-set. Since I know a LOT of Rock Band fans, I've been looking into how you can make a more complicated drum set, without complicating and overcrowding the market.

1. Make it an add-on. Make the upgrade peripheral plug into the console via USB FIRST, and then have the drum kit plug into the expansion peripheral. Think of the "Game Genie" during the Sega Genesis days. Sorta like that.

2. The peripheral could be two Hi-Hats, and design it so it fits onto the original drum set. I know it's a lot of drums, but it's an upgrade, and it's not too intrusive to the style of the game. We decided that you could sell the peripheral for about $30 without a large amount of consumer backfire.

3. Add a new instrument: Call it "Advanced Drums" or something similar. This way, you can have all the difficulties of a regular instrument, and work your way up to expert.

4. Make all old songs compatible with "Advanced Drums" via an expansion pack on the "Playstation Store" or the "Live Marketplace". The expansion pack may cost money, and our group decided that $40 was the most that they would pay for the software upgrade. The expansion pack would contain a patch that patches over all downloaded songs, and all the songs that came on the disk originally.

There you have it. I see Rock Band in the same light that you folks do, it's a platform. This is the best idea I've felt I have ever come up with. I want Rock Band to mature as it is, unlike Guitar Hero and others. Using this method of upgrading, you can release Rock Band 2, complete with all the upgraded instruments and "Expansion Packs".

The song list for RB2 could consist of downloadable Rock Band songs. This way, the consumer never feels like too much is being forced upon them, and the old instruments they bought are still relevant.   read

9:07 PM on 05.19.2008

Why Your Stupid Car Sucks...(NVGR)

Look, I'm not huge into hating stuff. However, that doesn't mean I never get angry. Case in point: people with loud pieces of shit on wheels.

You're not fucking awesome, no matter how many spoilers you put on your shitty 1989 Ford piece of shit. In fact, you're a fucking asshole. The next person I see, with a dirty, shitty, and paint-chipped car, with a fucking spoiler on it, is going to have a train drive into their parents.

You know what? My exhaust pipe is just fine, because it doesn't sound like an elephant being kicked in the nuts by a giraffe, only louder. I don't care if it has two pipes, mind doesn't murder the ozone, and I also don't look and sound like a wannabe douchefag. Your car sucks, don't make it louder.

Oh my god. Your rims can fucking spin. If I was a goddamn caveman, I'd be impressed by your amazing use of the wheel. Since I'm only half caveman, I'm not fucking impressed. Especially if you have a shitty car! It's like those stupid fat chicks who wear low cut shirts, hoping you notice their enormous fatty globule ass tits, instead of their beanbag-ass stomachs. I can see your gut, and I'm not impressed! Bitch.

This is the very last thing I hate about car owners:
The sticker with a young mischievous gentleman (Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes), pissing on something the owner of the sticker does not like. Seriously, you're not fucking original. I'm going to get a sticker with Calvin, pissing on Calvin, pissing on a person with a Calvin sticker.

Fuck you.

I love you guys! :)   read

3:05 AM on 05.15.2008

Games That Need Sequels!

Well, since there is no law against it, I'm posting a blog again. Late nights and painkillers make me feel like writing, and you guys always seem to listen! I'm gonna tell you what games I think are in need of a sequel. I don't care if you disagree, make your own fucking list. Also, I'm not going to include "Legend of Dragoon" just because I know you guys want me to. Anyways, here is my list:

Megaman Legends
What better way to end a trilogy, then to end it with the second entry. The story was left wide-open and unsolvable, and the series ended on a cliffhanger. It's an overlooked series, despite the fact it's the best series ever made. Even better than Super Mario RPG. I went there.

Super Mario RPG
Speaking of SMRPG, why the hell isn't there a sequel? It was fucking boss!

More witty writing, more cubes, still no cake. It just works.

Tiny Tank
I loved it, you all hated it. Clearly, you have bad taste.

Crazy cyborg death racing that defies gravity? I'm in.

Parasite Eve
It's coming soon! On your Japanese phone that is. *sigh*

Rival Schools

Power Stone
I loved this game waaay too much.

I give up, I'll edit it later when I remember more. Thanks for reading!

<3   read

2:11 AM on 05.15.2008

You're a Fanboy, and So Am I.

Deep down, all hardcore gamers feel an unbreakable bond towards a certain brand. In the real world, it's called loyalty. In the gamer community, you're a fanboy. It doesn't have to be this way! I'm here to give you some tips on how to shut the hell up and not look like a stupid asshole preaching about the benefits of owning a gamecube, and how Xbox Live is run by Bin Laden. We are all fanboys, but there are those that can keep our bias under control. We all have urges to be ignorant, but we rarely fall victim to those urges. You can be a collected fanboy too...

1. Recognize your feelings.
When somebody says something negative towards your console, don't act on the impulse to respond quickly and irrationally. This is a life skill that we all must learn to be successful in anything we do. Sit back, and think about the comment. Is it true? Is it accurate? Is this just an opinion? If so, you can kindly place your own counter-agrument without looking like a douche. Observe:

"I personally think that the fee on Xbox Live is stupid. I shouldn't have to pay extra money to play online!"

Disagree? Well that's fine! Don't say this:

"Yeah, well you're a stupid faggot. With exclusives like Gears of War 2 and Allan Wake, your shitty PS3 is a piece of shit and I'm going to stab your face you fuckbag!"

That guy, is clearly a douche, who also can't read. Try this instead:

"Well, I for one am a paying customer for Xbox Live and I find it's worth every penny. It's really a great platform. You don't need to use it, if you don't think it's worth it. Try getting a Wii, or PS3, the online is free."

See? He disagreed, and also made it clear that he is happy with his purchase, and understands that you have your own opinion.

2. Never instigate other gamers.

I know it's hard to be kind to those that weren't kind to you (Speaking of course to PS3 owners about 360 fanboys), but it's not impossible. I own all 3 consoles, and I found that the tremendous amount of hate towards the PS3 was outrageous, and uncalled for. It became a sin to admit you owned one, when in reality, all I sought was a nice place to talk about my PS3. If everyone would just be more understanding and less offensive when attacking certain consoles, people wouldn't feel the need to get back at each other when their console gets some good news.

3. Stop lying. Seriously though, it's fucking retarded.

Heres the worst one. We've all done it to make our favorite console look better to oblivious people. We make shit up, and no matter how small it is, it's to help our console look better. Once you get busted for doing this, you're a huge douchebag, and your credibility is often blown. This is the number one reason people hate gamestop. The employees make shit up.

It's not cool. If you were truly happy with your console of choice, why do you lie about it, and make the others sound worse with your stupid lies? You sir, are a boner biting bastard.


When things to get too heated, and you feel the fanboy urge, just fuck off and make a sandwich or something. If you're a fat nerd, go for a jog. If you're in a wheelchair, too fucking bad for you. Maybe you should have thought of this before you lost your working legs.

Look, these are just tips that can make online communities so much better. To be honest, we all act like savages! Other industries do not have the dedicated audience Video Gaming does. Why should that mean that we have to act barbaric and make shitty one liners about other pieces of plastic while we worship our own? We could just be more productive, less fucking retarded. Sorry for wasting your time.

I love blogging. :)   read

12:14 AM on 05.08.2008

Don't Watch a Movie With These People:

Since you, my adoring fans, seem to LOVE it when I post about useless crap, I'm going to make an article about who you should NEVER see a movie with. All profiles are based off of stereotypes.

14 year olds:
I don't think I even needed to tell you guys this one, since it's pretty much common knowledge by now. I know we've all been to a movie theater, and sat a little too close to the stupid shit-head 14 year olds. The movie starts, and they wont shut up, and they keep throwing popcorn at the old guy who's been sleeping in the theater for a few days now. It's always hard to resist murdering them, but quite often we reflect on ourselves at that age, and decide to be non-violent. I do not have this problem. I was never 14. I was 13 for two years, and then I was 15 one day.

Stereotypical minorities:
Seriously, no matter what stereotype the represent, they WILL annoy you during a movie. It doesn't matter if he's "only half jewish", he's still going to piss you off. Minorities in general just piss me right off though. Man, I'm a racist. :(

Mentally Challenged People:
I'm not kidding. My cousin, who had downs syndrome, is either autistic, or he's been pretending to be retarded for 13 years. I saw the movie Iron Man with him yesterday, and within 3 minutes of the movie, he loudly predicted the entire story-line 100% accurately. He also managed to do this during War of The Worlds. I don't know exactly how was so elitely trained to predict movies, but it's fucking terrible.

Shut the fuck up. I don't care what kind of lens this is using, I don't give a shit about the filter, fuck you. Photographers have this urge to inform you of everything that is even slightly relevant to them. If you've got a few hours, mention Hiroshima to a photographer.

I love you all.   read

11:00 PM on 05.07.2008

Okay, So I lied. Shut Up.

Alright, as some of you may know, I wrote some fucking terrible blogs while I was going through a hard phase earlier. You all acted nicely, except some of you. Let me take this time to thank everyone, especially those who took the time to pretend I wasn't just babbling about anything my depressed little mind came across.

I'm sincerely sorry that I wasted your life with my non-sense, and I really appreciate your kindness towards my idiot self. However, there are some users who did not take kindly to my fragile self. I'd like to take this time to extend a nice "FUCK YOU" to Jim Sterling and all of his fake accounts he used to insult my blogs.

So I'm going to get back into the hate groove by telling you some new Jim Sterling facts I happened to dream up earlier today:

Jim Sterling only has two settings: Walk, and Kill.

When Jim goes swimming, he does not get wet. The water gets Jim.

When Jim was born, the only person crying was the doctor. Nobody slaps Jim Sterling.

It takes 16 puppeteers to make Jim smile, but only 8 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Jim Sterling is only man to have beaten reality. Jesus came close, but died on the last boss.

Jim Sterling recently trademarked the word "Trademark", rendering all other patents useless.

Jim Sterling wasn't born. He was forged.

Jim Sterling once yelled "FREEZE MOTHERFUCKER" at Stephen Hawking. He hasn't moved since.   read

10:37 PM on 05.06.2008

The Story Behind My Life

So I've had people ask me why I hate Jim Sterling so much. I always answer this question with the same statement I use when trying to get my roommate to pay his share of the rent:

"Because...I'll fucking kill you."

And it's really as simple as that. How one could live without despising the very essence of evil, is beyond me. When somebody tells me that they like Jim Sterling, I instantly know I hate this person and we will never have anything in common.

However, when somebody says they HATE Jim Sterling, I find out where they live, and fill their pillowcase with spiders. It's my job to hate Jim, not yours.

On another note, I was banned from Kotaku for posting "First" in front of my post. That'd be cool with me, had I not had a plethora of useful information following that useless addition. It was my first time, and I was punished brutally for it. I'd like to take this time to thank Jim Sterling for getting me banned, you gypsy prick.

On a final note, did anybody else realize that cough medicine gets you high? I couldn't sleep one night and I had a wicked cough, so I chugged the last bit of my Dimmetap, and I was stumbling around like an ape with a bionic leg. Does this happen to everybody, or did Jim have something to do with this?

Remember Jim, play fair. You're a gypsy, not a witch doctor. Right?

Right?   read

1:38 PM on 05.06.2008

Factual Jim Sterling information.

All of this article is 100 percent true. Especially that first part.

Jim Sterling has only crapped once. It's name was Satan.

The sun wears Jim Sterling screen.

Jim Sterling was given a writing assignment in first grade. He proceeded to write the New Testament.

In Soviet Russia, Jim Sterling still punches you in the face.

When Jim plays chutes and ladders, he treats the chutes like ladders because he isn't some pussy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

The eternal conundrum of "What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was solved when Jim punched himself in the face. Needless to say, Pluto is no longer a planet.

Staring at Jim Sterling for long periods of time can cause blindness, and on rare occasions, fist sized bruises all over your face.

What a bastard.   read

1:39 AM on 04.14.2008

Jim Sterling and Missing Animals

I woke up this morning, and I looked outside, to see the sun shining, the grass blowing, and the trees swaying so gently in the warm wind. So I flip over to the news, and I hear about an epidemic of missing cats and dogs. There have been pets found with their skin cut off and heart removed.

There is only one person cruel enough to do such a thing (that isn't named "Bruce Willis"). That person is Jim Sterling. Beneath his rugged exterior beats a venom sack where his heart should be. His blood is black as tar, and his skin is as thick as leather. Every time he smiles, an orphan dies.

Which brings me to my point. How on earth could one man commit such acts in different cities at the same time? It's simple you see; he's not a man. He's a Gypsy terrorist. I believe he is controlling the minds of the stupid, and forcing them to murder the pets of the people he stole ideas from (See other blog entries for details). It's simple, his genius comes not from creativity, but from the souls of animals and the ideas of the truly brilliant. So if you have a good idea, get your dog put down, or it will suffer more than we can imagine.

Abraham Lincoln was murdered. Jim Sterling is a Gypsy. Coincidence?

You wish.   read

2:27 PM on 04.03.2008

How to sell PC games.

The one thing that crosses my mind in the Console vs PC war is "why are consoles successful?"

And it relies on a simple thing that crosses consumers minds. Longevity and security.

PC needs a platform that upgrades every five years, and has different versions. All games support the platform, and the platform has a minimum hardware that all games must support until the next upgrade. This would give gamers the ability to get extremely high-end PC's, but the games still support the little guy.

Every game shows on the top which version of the platform it supports (PS1, PS2, PS3 kind of thing) so that you see the game and you know it's going to run on your PC, nothing to worry about.

That's the main issue in PC gaming, is consistent upgrades, and little to no insurance that games are going to work.

They could even sell premade gaming PC's and just put which version of the platform it supports.

As technology advances, you'll just buy the stuff you need to support the new platform, and there is no more concern about PhysX and all that crap.

Just a thought.   read

4:12 AM on 04.03.2008

Bad Animations are Embarrassing.

Quick blog here.

Am I the only one who finds themselves embarrassed at some of the animations in video games? When I want to show a non-hardcore-gamer Condemned, he made fun of me because of the horrible voice acting and ridiculous animations. The uncanny valley effects also makes me uncomfortable around friends.

It's the same as the feeling when you rent a movie for your friends and yourself to watch, and it turns out being cheesy and stupid. You just feel weird.

Maybe I'm crazy.   read

3:55 AM on 04.03.2008

EA and the fact that Jim Sterling is a Gypsy.

Now I was going to write this article jokingly about why EA is the reason WW2 happened. They made it happen so that they could make games about it until people stopped giving a shit.

So of course I go to write this mind-numbingly hilarious article and another bastard decided to take my idea. His name is Jim Sterling (Hello, you cynical bastard). I hadn't signed onto destructoid yet, so there was no way that he could have "stolen" my idea, right?

Wrong. You know when you go to bed, and you think of that big spider you saw earlier but didn't manage to kill, so your whole body starts to tingle and you're like "OH GOD WHAT IF IT'S THAT SPIDER!" and you can't sleep? Jim is tickling you with his mind powers.

You know when you have something really important to say, and the person you need to talk to is busy, and when your turn is up you've totally forgotten? You haven't forgotten, Jim Sterling simply stole the idea and wrote a great article about it.

You know when you lose your TV remote, and you refuse to use the buttons on the TV because if you don't find the remote now it's gonna be lost forever? Yeah, Jim Sterling took it. And then he broke it. It's fucking gone now.

You know when you go to the washroom, and once you're done, you look at the empty toilet paper roll and curse yourself? And then you leave the bathroom to find your grandmother has fallen down the stairs and died?

Jim Sterling did it.

You see, Jim isn't really a blogger. He's a Gogger. (Not to be confused with Joggers, those guys are total wimps who don't know real sports). He is a Gypsy blogger, who feeds on the ideas of creative minds, and then slays their grandmothers. I bet by the time this article is published, he's already written it, and my father will have lost his other parent.

You know Heath Ledger? Elvis? Curt Cobain? Jesus?

Jim Sterling sure did.   read

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