So, as I was browsing the interblag, I've come across these three commercials for Jam Sessions in New Zealand. One involves the disliking of a spongy cake, another, the incestuous groping of bosoms, and lastly the disdain of birthday photographers. Enjoy!

Spongecake


Auntie


Photographer



But remember kids, boobie groping is never appropriate unless you're an instant rockstar.

Seriously. Muscular guys with huge guns blowing the crap out of aliens and mercenaries, all the while coolly dodging bullets. The only way this could have been more manly is if the main character was Duke Nukem. Seriously, just reading the word "Contra" deepens your voice and makes you grow chest hair. Even you, electro lemon.

But, the game. First, it's everything a true sequel to Contra III could be. The dual screen "oh dear god where did tha- oh, the top screen" thing is a bit difficult at first, but once you get it, your're on your way to pure man. The level design is excellent as well, and the base hallways are now in THREE DIMENSIONS, making it a bit easier to judge distances. Also, there's an upgrade system that gives you successively stronger weapons as you collect them. For instance, first you would start with a simple machine gun, but eventually, you get giant double-shot balls of death.

If you are in fact not manly enough to play this manly game, I've included a handy pocket reference guide, fresh off of Google.

So, yeah, I've finally decided to start writing in this damn thing, and for one reason.

I FINALLY FUCKING BEAT CONTRA WITH 3 LIVES! OH HELL YES! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!

Actually, disregard that last part. But I do plan to make real posts in the future to all -1 of you actually reading this crap.