E3 is almost upon us, and that can only mean one thing: spending hours typing up our E3
predictions before the event only to find out we were totally wrong. It’s happened to the
best of us, but this year, thanks to the advances of science, I have been able to travel
forward in time to uncover the glorious gaming world of tomorrow!

Actually, Spacecat’s cousin Mooncat visited me from the future and told me all these things
were true. So take them with a grain of salt, as Mooncat is not quite as reliable as
Spacecat, but here is what he said:

Microsoft!

- Peter Jackson’s Halo Chronicles is unveiled. Turns out to be Lord of the Rings with a
Spartan helmet Photoshopped over everyone’s head.

- Fable 2 will truly be as revolutionary as Peter Molyneux states, allowing you to go
anywhere and do everything. Except kill that important NPC. And that one. And that one.
And that one…

- Microsoft announces they have finally found the problem with the 360 red-ringing: that
they added three red flashing lights to the console in the first place.

- The 60 GB hard drive is for real. However, Microsoft is not canning the 20 GB hard drive
or 360 bundle, instead choosing to have as many SKUs on the market as possible, claiming
it will not confuse consumers one bit.

- Microsoft announces their new motion controller, which is really a Wiimote taped to a
wireless 360 controller.

- Blah blah blah Gears of War 2 blah blah blah blood and guts blah blah blah meat shield
blah blah blah Christmas 2008.

- Tomonobu Itagaki appears as the newest member of Microsoft Game Studios. He is
working on a new game, titled Big-Breasted Ninja Volleyball Super Xtreme Awesome.

- Dennis Dyack shows up to talk about Too Human and how great it is. Entire room
promptly decides now is a good time to make that bathroom run.

- Forza 3 is announced. It will have 400 cars, 75 tracks and millions of layers for custom
paint jobs. Finally, we can recreate the entire Battle of Yavin on the hood of a ’69 Mustang!

- Microsoft gives our yearly reminder that Alan Wake still exists and is in development.

- Killer Instinct 3 is announced. Falsely believing the event is over, everyone leaves before
the speaker on stage gets to mention Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts. Not that anyone
cares.

Nintendo!

- Nintendo will announce a special contest for all in attendance: one person will get to come
up on stage and meet Shigeru Miyamoto and be part of history. The winner will be picked
randomly from a raffle later in the press event.

- Animal Crossing Wii is unveiled as the Wii’s first MMO. Each animal villager in the game
will have their own friend code, and you will need to pester them to give you it before you
can send them mail.

- Fire Emblem DS is briefly mentioned, but immediately overshadowed by New Super Mario
Bros. 2. However, it is not a sequel to New Super Mario Bros., but instead a DS update of
Super Mario Bros. 2. The North American Super Mario Bros. 2.

- Mega Man 9 is finally confirmed as a WiiWare exclusive, and a second trailer for the game
impresses everybody, especially Chad Concelmo.

- Pokemon Platinum is announced, as well as a new Pokemon game for the Wii.

- Wario Land: Shake It! is demoed by a hot female model. The Internet approves.

- F-Zero Wii is announced with an amazing preview video. I have the biggest nerdgasm in
the history of the world.

- A DS successor is hinted at, but not unveiled until Tokyo Game Show 2008.

- Reggie eats an annoying reporter from Joystiq in the front row in one swift gulp. Internet
rejoices.

- Disaster: Day of Crisis is apparently still alive somewhere, but not coming out until 2009.
However, to make up for it, Xenosaga Collection is announced for the Wii.

- The winner of the raffle is picked and heads up on stage to meet Miyamoto. Miyamoto,
however, slugs the poor person in the face and knocks them out cold, segueing into the
announcement of Punch-Out! Wii.

- Matt Casamassina will find something to bitch about.

Sony!

- LittleBigPlanet is demoed and the public beta is immediately released on PSN for
everyone to enjoy.

- Killzone 2 is delayed again so they can make it look even less like the first E3 trailer for
the game.

- Sony stuns everyone when Chad Warden appears to talk about the PSTriplez, revealing
he had been a plant all along and is actually Ken Kutaragi’s bastard son.

- Resistance 2 gets considerable stage time, completely engulfing all the time Sony had
planned to talk about Valkyria Chronicles, SOCOM: Confrontation and Persona 4.

- Buzz Quiz TV is shown off; Kaz Hirai proclaims they finally have a “Wii killer,” six months
past the final point the Wii could have been killed.

- Gran Turismo 5 turns out to be more of the same old crap, which means it’s more boring
than even Forza can be.

- Sony announces the Home beta will be out soon. They promise this time.

- Motorstorm 2 and Uncharted 2 both finally see the light of day.

- Four words: God of War III.

- The word “Blu-Ray” is mentioned an amazing 373 times.

- New PSN titles, including a port of Rez, are announced.

Everyone else!

- 3D Realms will show off a new Duke Nukem Forever trailer. Expected release date: June
25, 2009. Oops, that’s a typo. June 25, 2099.

- In an event right next door to E3 but not part of it, Activision will unveil their balance
board for Tony Hawk games on the PS3 and 360. The bad news? It only works with Tony
Hawk games.

- Sega announces Sonic Unleashed does feature a werewolf Sonic; Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde-
based version of Robotnik to follow.

- Square-Enix announces Final Fantasy XIII will have 25 spin-off titles, each focusing on
something stupid that nobody will care about. They’re all PS3 and PSP exclusives.

- Kingdom Hearts III is Wii-bound. This pleases the three people at E3 that still care about
Kingdom Hearts.

- The Haruhi Wii game is announced for a North American release. Large numbers of Haruhi
fans spontaneously break out into dance, much to the embarrassment of everyone else
around them.

- After years of experimentation, Atlus announces they have successfully combined every
genre of gaming into one title. It is coming to the DS next year and there will only be 5
copies of it produced, just to piss off everyone who wants a copy of it.

- Midway and EA announce they’re bringing back NBA Jam to replace the struggling Street
franchise. All is right with the world.

- Fallout 3 wins Best of Show.

- The Xbox 360 version of Soulcalibur IV gets a Spartan character who looks suspiciously
like Master Chief, but isn’t.

- Street Fighter IV’s console version is unveiled. No new characters are added. Street
Fighter fans start growing a bit unhappier as a result.

- Konami unveils Rock Revolution to North American audiences and promptly sues itself for
patent violations.

- Madden 09 unveils a new “Favre mode” in which you play as the former Packers QB.
Features include being able to retire and unretire at will, even during the game, and non-
stop praise from John Madden.

- Platinum Games unveils more footage of Madworld, Bayonetta and Infinite Line. We all sit
there and drool mindlessly.

- Ron Workman gets incredibly drunk and runs naked through the streets of downtown LA.
Wait, that actually happened. Never mind.