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'Ello, love. I'm Dan, an admin for the forums. Come down and say things to us. You'll float, too.

An artist's rendition of my "Rape Genie" persona

"Nihil" is the pseudonym I use for writing and gaming on the internet. I came across Destructoid by searching for information on Way of the Samurai 3. Tubatic had the most comprehensive coverage on it I'd seen anywhere.

For that, and for leading me to this awesome community, I thank him.

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I am an element of Dtoid according to professor Corduroy Turtle

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11:14 AM on 12.05.2013

If gender swapping was like The Swapper, there would be a lot more dead bodies in the world.


A lil' while before Thanksgiving, I announced the grand opening of the Official Destructoid Chess Club. If you missed it, it was glorious.

I also announced that the first official tournament would happen soon. Actually, it's happening. Like, right now. But that doesn't mean you can't still be in it! I'm waiting on a few semi-confirmed players to check in. They (and you) have until the first round of matches finish within the next 3-4 days.


If your name isn't green, then you have not checked in!

In case you don't plan on bothering with the forum thread:

RULES - Due to the nature of time zones, people are going to find it difficult to match up against one another for a solid session. As such, I'd advise messaging your opponents your play schedules, and attempt to synch up in order to get the most moves in.

TIME LIMITS: The time limit per move must be set to 24hrs (1 Day/turn). The time limit per match will be 3 Days (timed by myself). If the in-game timer runs out on your turn, it will count towards your elimination losses. If the match has not ended by the end of Day 3, both players will be knocked out of the tournament, no matter whose turn it is.

MATCH START/FINISH: You must update this post (but preferably the thread) when your match has officially begun, and with the results of your match, so that I may time your matches and update the bracket/scoreboard. Failure to do so in a timely fashion will result in elimination.

Most matches will be held via Chess.com, but there's also Chess Time for mobile app users to pair up with.

The winner of this tournament will be given the coveted title of King of the Destructoid Chess Club, which I currently hold the rights to!

They will also get this:

As if it had to be reiterated, again - NONE OF US ARE PROFESSIONAL PLAYERS! This is purely for fun and the love of the game. But that said, bring your A-Game, because we're playing to win, and I'm not just gonna let you take my crown.

Yous gonna hafta earn that shit, son.

Godspeed and may the best brain win!

How this isn't already a thing, I'm not entirely sure. I could go on and blame the electronic video games that have ruined young minds with their instant gratification head-shots, grinding for level ups, 3D cinematics, and pretty colors. But I'm not going to, because you either already know what I'm getting at or don't care. As a matter of fact, even I don't care about that. Play what makes you happy. But don't tell me we don't have gamers that like to keep it old-school. Like, real old-school. So old that I don't have any business acting like I know what I'm talking about here.

Real talk; I don't.

Chess has been called the "thinking man's game". A game for men that value intellectual tenacity and have nothing better to do with their time. When you visualize two people playing chess, they're often geezers sitting in a park in the middle of the afternoon. Wasting away from leprosy and necrosis before your eyes.

not the most enticing image

If you're vaguely familiar with what chess looks like on the opposite end of the spectrum, with young men wearing button-up shirts tucked into corduroy pants, it might seem like... Well, to put it in fightan terms, it's a bit like watching a pro MvC 2 or 3 match - You can't really tell what's going on, but if you could, you might feel a lot cooler than you do. And you would, if you were that good at it, too.

But you don't have time for that shit.

In the middle lies a nice, comfy spot for the rest of us, who kinda know how to play and play to win, but don't really care if we lose. We learn tricks and strategies that crumble under someone who actually knows what they're doing. And occasionally, that someone is us. I aim to bring that sweet spot here in the form of DESTRUCTOID CHESS CLUB. Mainly, because nobody else is doing it.

SHAME on you for making me do this.

At any rate, if you're too afraid to make the dark trek into the forums, here is the current club member list:

Member - website and/or mobile app (id)
Nihil - Chess.com (dcnihil)
Gatsby - Chess Time (Gats)
OpiumHerz - Chess.com
Phil - Chess.com/Chess Time (MikeMcPhil)
CornflakeJustice - Chess.com/Chess Time
Obstratis - Chess.com/Chess Time
nmcmahan52 - Chess.com/Chess Time
AboveUp - Chess.com
smurfee_mcgee - Chess.com
pk fire - Chess.com/Chess Time (pk_fire12/pk_fire)
VagrantHige - Chess.com/Chess Time
Last Scion of the House of Blue Lions - Chess.com (True_Blue_Lion)
ZombiePlatypus - Chess Time
EAPidgeon - Chess.com
Corduroy Turtle?

Go sign up somewhere (preferably chess.com), then come back here to post your id, and I'll add you to the list!

The first official tournament is on the horizon, and matches will be held by players on Chess.com, where the games are turn-based with a 3-day average time limit. So even if you live in the future, you don't have an excuse. Wins/losses/trash-talk will be posted in a dedicated tournament thread and maybe, maybe, I'll do a wrap up/results blog.

As our dearly beloved Community Director and Master of Bonermonies has mentioned, this was a byproduct of brainstorming to get people back into creating and joining tournaments, no matter the genre of game. But more importantly, it's the fastest way for me to score the Bison Badge. If I can't have Beedog, then Bison will suffice.

we hardly knew ye...

But being that there's been legit interest and games already being played between members because of it, I decree that it is now, a thing. Bitches.


I played a video game and now I'm going to review that game.

I played Grand Theft Auto 5. You don't need to go back and play the first Grand Theft Auto in order to play this one. Grand Theft Auto 5 is an action game, where you play as three men who are criminals. You can switch between them, but there is no difference in how they play. Sometimes the game forces you to switch and you have to deal with that if you didn't want to switch.

Sometimes you have to watch cut-scenes, but you can skip them, which is convenient when you just want to play the game. If you like watching cut-scenes, don't press the button that makes the game skip them. You have been warned.

In Grand Theft Auto 5, when you watch the cut-scenes, the three criminal men say things and kill people.

In Grand Theft Auto 5, when you play the game, you can do many things, like; rob banks, drive cars, shoot guns, watch strippers dance in strip clubs, parachute, swim in the ocean, and ride bicycles, watch movies, beat innocent bystanders to death, participate in the stock market, fly jets and helicopters, lose health by running too much, buy real estate, tow cars to an impound, play tennis, regain health by having sex with prostitutes, and much more.

If you're interested in any or all of the activities I listed above, you may want to consider playing the game. If you're not interested, I recommend avoiding it.

There Are Lizards Eating Your Legs