Started gaming in kindergarten, when the most advanced piece of hardware I could get my hands on was a black plastic handle and an orange button attached to a brick. I used it to blow up little squares on a black and white television screen. A couple years later, I was molested by the girl next door after beating her copy of The Legend of Zelda. I have mixed feelings about the experience.
Unfortunately, over the years, my ability to maintain a passion for games has waned (as in being able to play through them start-to-finish). This is due to various reasons and issues that would be too emo to get into at this juncture. But suffice to say, though my passion has waned, my interest in them has not, as evidenced by my being here.
Nihil (or Nils) is the pseudonym I currently use for writing and gaming on the internet. I came across the Destructoid website by searching for information on Way of the Samurai 3. Tubatic pretty much has the most comprehensive coverage on it I've seen anywhere. And for that, and the other thing, I thank him.
If I went to the doector tomorrow. Today, or any day forward from here, and found out I have cancer from all the smoking I've been doing lately, I wouldnt have a care in the world about it. Because I would die happy.
Before this point, I just wanted to die. Period. But my family. Everyone in my immediate family besides my father and the sister I've been talking about. Everyone in my eldest sisters family. And all of you. You all gave me your love. And I had to cry sundy night. I cried so hard in my mothers arms. I haven't done that since I was a child. I felt it all. It crushed me. I felt all of it. I finally felt all of it. The bond we share. I can't thank all of you enough, because you gave me this.
I didn't ask for it. I asked for it a very long time ago. I prayed to god. I prayed so hard. I wrote letters that no one saw but me. I sat in my room for hours, asking for happiness. To die happy. AAnd I couldn't feel anytg==hing. I felt abandonded. I felt I didn't deserve any of the pain I was going through. I started to believe that it might have been something I did in a past life, and now I'm just reliving the punishment. Over and over as my soul kept being resurrected. I would be punished forever for what I had done thousands of years ago. I don't know what i had done, but I must have deserved this pain somehow, instead of true happiness. The same happines that Ifelt with my first true love.
It was not puppy love, and I knew it then. She was just a girl. A 12 year old girl. She was already so beautiful. Physically and mentally. And she loved me.
The looks of scorn and jealousy I would get from the boys, all around, because she would cling onto me as we walked through the cold rain. I didn't understand why they didn't like me. I wanted them to be happy for me. Because I loved her. I would have died for her. At the drop of a fucking hat.
And she loved me just as much, for the peace and happiness I was able to give her. For all the laughs. That's what I gave her the most. The laughter. And it was beautiful.
And I shat all over it. I pushed her away, so she wouldn't be exposed to my anger, and the issues deriving from inside my home. I couldn't bare the thought of losing her because god decided it was time. Not you. You don't get to fucking decide that. He wasn't going to take that away from me, just like all the other friends that I had lost, from moving across the country, from suicide.. So I did it myself. It crushed her. And I've hated almost every fiber of my being, every minute of every fucking day since. I tried to find her again. Last I heard is that she got a dancing scholarship to the same college that I was supposed to go to, that I was going to go to, if my parents hadn't dragged me away with them again. I was so proud of her. I used to watch her dance. And I can't do that anymore, because for all I know she could be dead now.
To get an idea of how she looked, think of a cross between Buffy and Willow. Yeah. That's what I gave up.
I refuse to forgive myself for what I did to her. But I will die happy now, knowing that you all liked me so much that you offered your time, your ears, and your homes to me, in one of my darkest hours. I will die happy now, knowing that the rest of my family members love me. And I can say now that I love them too. I feel it now. And I love you guys. You guys are just as much a part of my blood family, because you helped me. I didn't ask for help. I never do. But I will now, because I know you guys care.