"Nihil" is the pseudonym I use for writing / gaming on the internet. I came across Destructoid by searching for information on Way of the Samurai 3. Tubatic had the most comprehensive coverage on it I'd seen anywhere.
For that, and for leading me to this community that has changed the course of my life, I thank him.
I started gaming in kindergarten, when the most advanced piece of hardware I could get my hands on was a black plastic handle and an orange button attached to a brick. I used it to blow up little squares on a black and white television screen. A couple years later, I was molested by the girl next door after beating her copy of The Legend of Zelda. I have mixed feelings about the experience.
Unfortunately, over the years, my ability to maintain a passion for games has waned (as in being able to play through them start-to-finish). This is due to various reasons and issues that would be too emo to get into at this juncture. But even though my passion has waned, my interest in them has not, thanks in great deal to the extraordinary friends I've made during my stay here.
Okay, so it's been a while since I've been around these parts. It's been a while since I've been anywhere on the internet lately, except playing Blur on XBL.
If anyone here has been prone to care about my presence, you might have heard that I acquired new employment. And if anyone has been creepily prone to care about my presence, you would know the only reason I've done so, is so that I could spend more time here. But what with the website craziness last month, adjusting to my new schedules, and now a broken laptop, I've been missing you guys hardcore.
It's not every day you find a community that is not only well-worth being a part of, but feel naturally attracted to. Like a long-lost family you never thought you'd have. Last month's musing, Changes, was the perfect opportunity to finally spill my guts out and let people in on my current situation. It's something that I've been trying to write since I started checking out the c-blogs this summer, but I was never able to bring myself to finish. It's a subject I've never looked forward to talking at length to anyone about: Myself.
Most people feel a certain weight lifted when they divulge their personal shit to the internet, because the internet itself is impersonal. Their level of anonymity safeguards them from any serious backlash that might occur. They feel more like themselves talking to strangers through a glass screen and some copper wires, than in person, where they could be rejected. How they act online is not how they act IRL. That's fine and well, but I'm not one to subscribe to that.
I've been online since I was 13, which was 12 years ago. I've been through the gauntlet of almost every conceivable experiment you could have interacting with other people through text. Yes, I've tried cyber sex. It was weird, and it was "her" idea. If that's your thing then hey, as long as it's healthy, more power to ya. I'm digressing.
What I'm getting at is that this same concept works in life as well. Who you are with one group of people may not be who you are with another. You don't have to have a split-personality to understand this. But I think it's true that for everyone, there is a group of people who you feel utmost comfortable with. A place where you can be your true self. This is what has been missing in my life since I left high school. Part of it is my own fault due to depression. The other part is... a bit more complicated, but thankfully, not as serious as one might think.
But suffice to say, I've matured to a point where I don't need, nor want to hide behind a facade. And I want to be the same person with you all, as I would be with anyone else. This is why I am especially grateful for inadvertently discovering Dtoid, because you guys give me the chance to do that offline as well, which is really important for me. All fucking year I was debating whether to show up at a NARP event, and I don't really care to remember all the reasons I gave myself not to go. All I need to remember is how I felt. I wasn't ready to take that step, and I'm glad I didn't, because a thing changed over the summer. Something that I tried to change for myself. It didn't exactly work out, but as a consequence, I grew a new set of balls.
And with a bit of coaxing from a certain Douchebrah, I was able to get my foot out the door. Attending Ronathon in September was a great step in a direction that I would like to keep going. This new job I have, one that I was denied more than once before, seems to be another. And if that direction involves following Destructoid to the end, I'd be more than okay with it. Especially now that I just bought some shit from the split reason store. >_>
I think this is a good place to break; I've got some errands to run.