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[ Niero's blog ]

A short Transformers Movie review from an original robot fanboy
Niero \| 11:36 PM on 07.03.2007	25 comments

Great action movie ... but it was a really shitty Transformer movie.

I'll qualify that by stating I'm a Transformers fanboy to the grave. I loved the original movie. It didn't have blatant use of babes, laughable computer virus scenes, or flat characters. I have Stan Bush on my iPod. I knew going into it that I was going to hate it for everything they already decided to alter, and while it was fun to watch the entire production was hollow and lacking substance.

Case and point: Thanks for a few quotes and sound effects from the original series, but no thanks for a teenage love story (WHY?!!! WHAT THE FUCK) with a side of robots so similar they are barely recognizable in heated combat and dialog so dumbed down and full of dumbed down humor. There is no reason why this film couldn't have taken place set in the 80's as it should have, other than the huge mountain of money they surely received from Ford and GMC to put their new cars in the movie. Not only that, but there was poor editing (why the hell would he get into Bumblebee when both cars seem to be aggressive towards them in context?) and absolutely no mature character development whatsoever. To top it off, why did the small robots have to make Jar Jar Binks noises? What a fucking let down.

In other news, I love this country. Happy 4th mengs, except for one guy. Michael Bay can go suck Unicron's dick. Somebody should lock that monkey up in the special effects ward where he belongs.

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22 comments | showing # 1 to 22

BlueWolf72 says:
(# 0) on 07/03/2007 23:59

Wowzers you didnt like it...

Kotua says:
(# 1) on 07/04/2007 00:32

Not surprising. From what I've heard, many fans were dissapointed...oh, and the movie was meh.
What about the Video Game though?

BlueWolf72 says:
(# 2) on 07/04/2007 00:36

the game is getting scores around 5.4

GuitarAtomik says:
(# 3) on 07/04/2007 01:36

This may sound like blasphemy, but I liked it. Was it kind of cheesy some times? Yes. Was it a perfect movie? No. Was it everything a Transformers movie could be? Almost. Let's face it. The old cartoon when you look at it now, is not that deep. The animated movie practically makes no sense at all as a cohesive plot (I own it on vhs). This movie is a step above that. It doesn't take itself too seriously but never gets itself into Batman and Robin territory. We're talking about a franchise that was created entirely to sell toys. We're talking about gigantic fucking talking transforming robots from space. It can't be taken entirely seriously.

sure, I would have liked the action scenes to pull back the camera a bit sometimes but the action in general was amazing. Gigantic fucking robots fighting each other in the middle of downtown! I even thought most of the human stuff in between was funny (most of it, not all). Seriously, it was a live action version of the cartoon with a slightly better narrative (watch the old cartoon today, I'm serious) Just sit back and enjoy the carnage.

Also, I'm drunk.

Topher Cantler says:
(# 4) on 07/04/2007 04:52

I'm gonna have to agree with the chief on this one. Stop titting around with all the cool stuff we remember from when we were kids.

Prime + Lips = FAIL.

Chibi_Zero says:
(# 5) on 07/04/2007 08:08

Niero, all I can say to you is damn you! I have to go dig up that OST for the original transformers movie now.

Anyway I'm still going to try and see this movie sometime soon. I figured that it would atleast be a decent action movie and it seems that it is.

Mxyzptlk says:
(# 6) on 07/04/2007 13:26

How many tranforming wolves have to die?

Niero says:
(# 7) on 07/04/2007 14:05

At the very least, it was better than Beast Wars :) I thought the effects were really cool though.

Sharpless says:
(# 8) on 07/05/2007 01:49

Niero, I love you, man, but I have lost a lot of respect for you as a TransFan. I think that a lot of the folks who don't like the movie, and specific elements of the movie, are just hugely lacking perspective. Sure, it's entirely reasonable for the movie to be "just not your thing," so to speak. But most people who dislike it (and I'm, sadly, going to have throw you in here) seem to be slaves to their nostalgia. Maybe I'm wrong, but it just seems like there's only a desire to replicate G1 as closely as possible, and any deviations from that are immediately bad and wrong. Now, I'm not saying that you're definitely doing that, or are at least conscious of doing that, but it just seems to be a huge trait among most critics of the new film.

And criticism of Beast Wars is another fail point. Beast Wars is clearly the best-written animated series in Transformers history. I don't even think it's debatable. Fine, dislike the character designs if you must, but there's not much in the Transformers mythos that compares to the quality of the Beast Wars animated series. (It's also responsible for the revival of the Transformers brand. There would be no movie, if not for Beast Wars reviving the series. Although, for you, maybe that was a bad thing. Heh.) The comic books are the only Transformers media that bests Beast Wars.

Anyway, I don't know what point I'm trying to get at. You're a good man, but I've got to contend with you on this one - HARDCORE LIKE A WOLF. I'm done nerding.

Sharpless says:
(# 9) on 07/05/2007 01:49

Oh, and the video game sucks a million phallic objects.

Sharpless says:
(# 10) on 07/05/2007 03:32

And excuse my spamming, but why the fuck did I type all that? Sorry, man. I had to wank that nerd boner away. I've gotta stop using the internets...

*walks away, shaking head*

CannibalCalvin says:
(# 11) on 07/05/2007 04:41

I couldn't find unicorn sucking.

...

Ass to mouth

Chibi_Zero says:
(# 12) on 07/05/2007 08:31

Niero: I thought Beats War was pretty decent. Now if you were talking about Beast Machines then that is a whole different story...

CarlostheJackal says:
(# 13) on 07/05/2007 10:37

Being a 29 year old I had mostly forgotten about Transformers for the large part of 18 years. My Transformer thoughts were replaced with those of mostly poon! Basically what I am saying is that when I was 11 I was a hardcore Transformer fan. I too had low expectations for the movie, and figured it would be much like "Rise of the Silver Surfer". You know, not bad if you read the books but not really a great movie, kind of a novelty. I loved Transformers though, granted I think I an a huge fan of Michael Bay action movies, but still I thought it had the right mix a action, robots, jokes, broads, and hilarious add placement(A 360 Transformer WTF!) Anyways, I liked it Nero, but I also like The Rock, Armageddon, Both Bad Boys, The Island and I haven�t seen it but apparently he directed some porn as well Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall (1990).

LordRegulus says:
(# 14) on 07/05/2007 12:42

Giant Robots: Check.

Giant Robots Tearing Shit Up: Check.

Giant Robots Tearing Shit Up AGAIN: Check.

Megan Fox Saying "Fuel Injectors": Check.

FIVE STARS!

Sharpless says:
(# 15) on 07/05/2007 15:31

Yes, I think we can all agree that Megan Fox is hot and Beast Machines pretty much sucked.

I'm leaving to see it in 15 minutes. *psyched*

Niero says:
(# 16) on 07/05/2007 23:24

Megan Fox is retarded hot, but she was noticeably too collected in most of the scenes. If I was in the presence of various giant alien robots trying to murder each other and take over the planet I think I'd have a big HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK WORRY FACE for at least a few weeks. Not to knock her perfect succulent shiny lips or anything.

Sharpless says:
(# 17) on 07/06/2007 02:51

Yeah, I can see that. Still, I think that's a problem that a LOT of movies, especially of this variety, have. People often don't react the way normal people would, although I thought Shia LeBeoofywhatever played it pretty well.

I just saw it tonight. It could've done with a little less Michael Bay-style editing, but I enjoyed. I look forward to more Starscream in the sequel. I hope.

Spykron says:
(# 18) on 07/08/2007 21:01

my 3 problems

1. robots dont look liek cars in robot form. i agree, they all look the same. i wanna see fenders and hoods and stuff.

2. more like independance day with the focus on the humans and not the robots. (aliens?)

3. decepticons? sure they were in the movie. kinda.

atheistium says:
(# 19) on 07/09/2007 14:02

Lets be honest if a giant robot was coming toward you. You'd pee yourself....
i did :(

allisonaxe says:
(# 20) on 07/09/2007 15:09

regarding the TF video games, haven't had the opportunity to play any of the other versions yet, but the DS games are just simple fun cheese. not the best game ever, but it does what its supposed to do: nice, big, free-roaming levels, fun action, and the 'create-a-bot' feature is pretty neat. Allspark Wars is a nice start, but i wish it was robot battles instead of "challenge missions." still, I'd like to see what else they can come up with using a similar idea (an online persistent 'war' where the victory of each side is determined by which side has a higher score in the downloaded mission at the end of the day.)

Pangloss says:
(# 21) on 07/10/2007 00:51

I absolutely loathed every part of the movie where giant robots were not going at it with guns and fisticuffs. Which was 90% of the movie. But I'm not such a Transformers purist that I didn't love the violence to death. I'm convinced that if you cut out every scene that didn't have alien robot brawls, you'd have a wonderful 10 minute action short.

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