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I helped a girl take a piss in Ni No Kuni

7:30 PM on 01.23.2013

Papa Niero

Founder

Sympathy for the NPC

It wouldn't be fair to say that Ni No Kuni has a specific urination quest. It's more of a side story or side effect of a larger task, if you will.  Nevertheless, when I came upon this girl who needed to whiz, I immediately wrote it off as filler NPC chatter. A few missions later I had learned that my tasks had indirectly let her use the bathroom. Someone went through the trouble of updating our hero on this story. Planning went into this. Okay, then.

She made an impression on me because, of all the things this young girl could have vocalized to me, she was intent on telling her mother and I that she needed to execute a mad leak. She needs to piss really bad, you see. Either that, or she required some for alchemy. The dialogue isn't really clear on what she intends to do with said pee-pee, but le't just assume she had made a surplus and wanted to remove it from her body.

Why not just run behind a tree?  We're in a forest, after all.  Despite the marvel of modern videogames, here's a cute example of why NPCs are still the dumbest forms of life in gaming.

As cleverly editorialized in The Secret Lives of Non-Player Characters, the idiocy of NPCs is one of the funniest things about our primitive videogames. This chick will stand there until the end of time holding that bladder until I go a vast journey talk to a tree, beat down guardian, and return to steal a guy's heart ten feet away from The Pissy One so the gate can open. Unlike the ants in your kitchen (which some heavenly power has expertly scripted for thousands of years to solve every task possible) it does not occur to this bitch that she can take a whiz behind a tree. Ants are my favorite script, by far. Whomever invented ants is probably rich.

The mom will stand there and ignore that her child desperately needs to defecate, and will also starve her for as long as I please. It's unfortunate that if I leave my PS3 on for the weekend I wouldn't return to an angry mob beating the tits out of the guards, or a camp of hippies cooking turkeys in front of the castle that I can spy sometimes pooping in the woods.

It's my hope that in the not-so-distant future game engines will allow developers to instill more common sense of survival to their non-player characters. Until then, I'm happy to help them twinkle.

 

Also, slow news day.  Sorry THQ, you'll be missed.

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