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PepsiCo, in a bid to remove the necessity of consuming non-liquid forms of “Gamer Fuel,” has begun human testing of their new Doritos flavoured Mountain Dew.
A company spokesperson has claimed that such a concoction has been spawned into existence in order to ensure more efficient delivery of vital Mountain Dew and Doritos-related nutrients. It is said that the average video games enthusiast requires such substances in order to best thrive in their natural environment.
It is also said that more devoted consumers of these substances will only require the aid of a bottle instead of both that and a bucket for more prolonged gaming sessions with this miraculous new innovation in Gamer Fuel delivery.
We reached out to Geoff “Dorito Pope” Keighley, an avid Mountain Dew and Doritos enthusiast, for a comment but were unable to make out any decipherable quotes. We were instead greeted with the sounds of an incredibly powerful male orgasm.
‘Dewritos’ is said to officially launch alongside a heavy marketing campaign for the next installment of the Halo franchise.
In related news, PepsiCo still has an aversion to printing the word “Mountain” on the bottles for their beverages.
Like all perfectly sane and reasonable human beings, I’ve been spending a good bit of time playing Bayonetta 2. As my more recent comments would suggest, I’ve been utterly enjoying the game. It’s one of the most impressive-looking games currently available on the Wii U, it plays beautifully and it’s downright fun.
It’s also the best Yu-Gi-Oh game I have ever played.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved the card game when I was much younger, but I’m very glad that the folks behind Yu-Gi-Oh have branched out and made a much more mature addition to their franchise.
Taking the focus away from Yugi himself was a rather smart idea, really. As was replacing him with a Bayonetta.
Although some more hardcore fans of the Yu-Gi-Oh franchise may be a little annoyed with his change of appearance. Personally, I prefer the original manga/anime version of the character, but I can see why they would want to change him. Giving him a new smart-arse personality was also an interesting change.
So if he has a new look, new name and new personality, how is he still Yu-Gi-Oh? He has the goddamn Millennium Puzzle, that’s how. Therefore, he is is Yu-Gi-Oh.
Now, I could take this as a simple coincidence, maybe it’s just a trinket that happens to look similar to the one Yu-Gi-Oh wears? That is a possibility. But there is another piece of evidence that helps me support my brilliant hypothesis: his use of Spell Cards.
Like Yu-Gi-Oh, Loki (his new name) uses Spell Cards in order to make magic happen. This redesign of Yu-Gi-Oh removes the familiar Duel Disk and instead makes the Yu-Gi-Oh Cards (isn’t it funny how the character has a similar name to the cards? Maybe his father was a fan…) outright magical. Using the power of the Heart of the Cards™, Yu-Gi-Oh Loki is able to make magical spells just happen as if they were magic.
Well, I’m sure the less learned and intelligent members of the community will be sharpening their pitchforks and claiming it’s all still a simple co-incidence. Well, let me present you with a final piece of highly damning evidence.
What’s this, you ask? Well it’s sort of like a magical barrier. It’s made of magic and stuff and it blocks off your path until you murder enough murder-ables through the power of murder and the Heart of the Cards™.
It also looks rather familiar, does it not?
You’re damn right it looks like the Millennium Eye. This has me (and it should have you) thoroughly convinced that Bayonetta 2 takes place in the Yu-Gi-Oh universe. Perhaps it takes place in the Shadow Realm™?
The fact of the matter is, this is all highly convincing and undeniable evidence that Bayonetta 2 is the best (and most mature) Yu-Gi-Oh game on the market. Some people might not be convinced that this was an appropriate direction for the much beloved 4Kids anime, but I personally feel that it was a much-needed spin on the franchise.
Yes, I’m joining this bandwagon too, dammit!
I should be ashamed…
Well, here's my top 10 fetishes. Feel free to fap away. Actually, do fap away. It means you have good taste. Damn good taste.
#10: Whatever the Hell This Is
Yep… moving on…
What? You thought I was going to talk about bearded manly men who are manly as fuck and…
Well, you’d be right. But Teddie is also kind of maybe a little bit adorable, so let’s just leave him there anyway. Cuteness goes a long way, folks.
#8: Speaking of Cuteness…
Is this really all that surprising? Cuteness is maybe the one true universal truth. May we all aspire to be cute as fuck. The world would be a much, much better place. Also cuter. The world would be significantly cuter.
This is a good thing. There is literally nothing wrong with everything being more adorable. Get your priorities right, people.
Of course ninjas would make my list! Who doesn’t love ninjas? You are objectively broken if you cannot appreciate the excellence of the ninja. How dare you, random hypothetical person I am arguing with! Begone!
Ninjas are awesome. Let it never be said otherwise.
That said, there is something far better than a simple ninja…
Take your ordinary, everyday ninja and make it significantly more cute. Damn straight.
Get your own waifu, folks. Sorry.
Also, Akatsuki is now a fetish. Deal with it.
#5: Not Very Original But…
Yep. Cat people. Cat people are like people. But also cat-ish. It’s the best of both worlds. How could you go wrong!?
#4: Angel-y People (Or People With Wings)
Not sure why I’m fond of these people, I guess maybe it’s just the general elegance of them. Still, they're damn enjoyable.
I’m making no apologies for adding this to my list.
This one’s kind of a given. Tsunderes are great. Nothing else to be said about the matter.
That is all.
Who doesn’t love a yandere? Yanderes are adorable. Yanderes are an excellent balance between sheer cuteness and crazy.
Sure, they may be a little bit incredibly homicidally insane, but it’s impossible to hate them. They’re just too damn cute to hate.
Besides, pain’s a good thing. A damn good thing. It’s okay if they’re a little crazy.
#1: Yandere Cat People
They’re like cat people, but yandere! What more could you ask for?
Men With Long Hair
Yep. Do I need to say anything else? I really don’t think so.
Well, it's better if it's a bear with long hair.