Looking back, I could've titled my last post "FUCK YOU ALL!! You're all a bunch of bastards! I hate you, personally (NVGR)" and gotten the same response as I did before. I admit that when I took a shot at certain people (you know who you are....unless you have no clue what I'm talking about) it was less about trying to be funny or do some actual criticizing, and more about getting something off my chest.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, simply read the second paragraph of this blog post and them skim through the comments section.

Let me say this: I didn't mean for anyone to to take it personally. So if it you took it personally, you need to grow up. Also, I'm not apologizing for what I said, because all I said was that people stopped helping me once I said that they weren't getting paid and this seems pretty true. Was I bitter about it? Yes, but I'll get to that in a bit.

Allow me to respond to some of the comments on my last post.


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16bitmonster asks many a question:


"wait, you wanted help to make a list to send to cracked to make money and fame but you didn't want to pass along any of that to the people who were going to help you? hmm.

also, its just pokemon.

also, also, is this really videogame related?

also, also, also, why did you post it there and not here? the "editing"? is that why? hmmm.. i want my 5 minutes back."

1. Look back at my last post and click on the link in regards to the second time I asked for help in the forums. I pretty much explained why you guys wouldn't be getting paid, but for the sake of this post I'll explain it in summarized manner.

-Both times I came to Destructoid for help, I already had the idea in mind, as well as several samples. I didn't want to give anything away, so I didn't bother to post ALL of the stuff (you'll notice I did post some ideas up).
-There's a section on Cracked's forums reserved for people who really want to write for Cracked. There are two things people do on this section: Pitch articles and comment on other people's articles. When you comment on a pitch, you're making suggestions and helpful comments/critiques.
-Only the person who actually writes out the final version (after it has gone through the pitching process (which includes a sample write-up), goes to the editorial board, gets the green light, etc) gets paid. There have been articles with more than writer, but that involves a mutual agreement between the two.
-It's $50 per article. If i divided it up equally, the people who googled "most disturbing pokemon" and posted it in the forums get paid the same amount as the guy who has to write up the whole thing. Common sense dictates that isn't fair.
-Fame?

2. This is the point where I would scan your blog for any signs of hypocrisy. I thought I encountered something, but you seem to have done it in jest (and I respect that), so instead, I'll nitpick elsewhere: Your blog header is way too fucking huge.

3. Considering that Pokemon started out as a video game and has become the 2nd bestselling video game franchise, yes.

4. To give Arkard some well deserved traffic. Since he was kind enough to post it on his site, it's the least I can do. I'm not sure why you're putting "editing" in "quotation marks," because I "already explained what the edits were on my previous post and that I would be posting the unedited version on the blog at some point in the future." So you can nitpick said "edits" when that day arises.

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Well, she's all you'd ever want, Zodiac Eclipse is the kind I like to flaunt and respond to her comments.

"Hey! See if I ever try to help you again."

Completely out of context to anyone else, but I understand exactly what you mean and, again, this isn't personal. If you weren't in this for the money and you just found something better to do, this shouldn't be a big deal.
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With 2 outs and a runner on first, batting .666, it's Naim Master.

"I'm sorry , but you can't write a article ..."

But I DID write and article! How else could you've commented on it?! Wait, let me ch-IT'S STILL THERE!? But then what are you...oh! I get it! You probably mean that I've written something that isn't worthy of being considered an article due to the poor quality/content of the work, is that it? My mistake.

Try spell-check next time, and remember that there's only a space after the comma, not before. If you think I'm being an asshole (or from your typing skills, "a asshole"), I'm not. It's called constructive criticism, which is what you give to someone when they do something incorrectly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you don't like my non-article, explain why and offer some suggestions. And if you don't, at least use some fucking grammar. At least try. Christ almighty.

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Char Aznable used to read word up magazine. Salt'n'Pepa and Heavy D up in the limousine

"People were just turned off because it seemed like you wanted us to do all the leg work for your article"

That actually makes sense. For the pokemon one, I was simultaneously getting help on the Destructoid forums and the Comedy Workshop in the Cracked forums. Both sites do things differently. Still, if that was the case I would've thought that somebody would've posted "Fuck you, we're not doing all the work." That's not how I (or anyone from Cracked) works.

We already have a general outline of ideas in our head, and we've done our own bit of research. When we pitch our stuff, getting new ideas (or pokemon, in my case) wasn't as important as getting actual feedback, and not as in "this a good idea" or "meh;" I'm talking legitimate criticism.

Looking back, that may have been my main reason for posting that stuff in the first place. I came guessing some people in the forums had a better idea of pokemon than me, but that didn't mean I was looking for new pokemon. I was looking for someone to go "oh they did ____ with Jynx" or "well technically, _____ never _____ with ______" or something like that.

In short, the Cracked part of me is thinking "leg work?! I already did most of the work before I even came there!" But the rational part of my head is going "well, they didn't know. Besides: The pokemon article got rejected despite fucking hours of hard work, and I haven't even bothered to touch the box art pitch. I forgot what I'm so mad about."

At which point I look to the comments section and realize that nobody gave a shit about the actual finished Pokemon article (or at least, never bothered to give it any actual criticism).

"Goddamnit."

BEHOLD.
Ah yes, my rejected Cracked article. Some of you who might recall me seeking help from Dtroiders in the forums after pitching this article to Cracked. This was a long time ago, before the forums got their majestic makeover.

I also seem to recall that everyone stopped pitching ideas and commenting once I said that they wouldn't be getting paid for helping out. Same thing happened the last time I tried asking for help . Making a blog asking for help was even less helpful. Fun times.

But while I have yet to find enough hilariously misleading video game box covers, I've found something better.

Drownyourself.com



The site is run by Polish Cracked writer Arkard. He's written 6 awesome articles for Cracked, ranging from mad scientists to serial killers to soft drinks (click the link to read them). His new site is where he posts some of his rejected Cracked pitches as well as other comedic goods. So be a dear and check it out. This man is funnier than I can ever hope to be.

He's edited some of the content of the original article (Ludicolo had his own entry, there was a video for Mewtwo, and there was another pokemon the was cut entirely), so I might post the unedited version on the blog sometime in the future.

So read it, enjoy it, and check out some of Arkard's stuff.

And no, he's not paying me (for the article or this post). I'm just a bitch.

I want to write for Cracked. The site helped mold my sense of humor in a way that I cannot describe. I've pitched several articles for Cracked, but they were rejected. I recently had the idea for "X Most Disturbing Video Game Covers", and thought it would make a swell article. While this would make a good Cracked article, most covers I found were more "unsettling," "weird," or "retarded" than actually disturbing. Cracked writer/member Fitzgerald said that the "Bust-A-Move" cover (see below) should be my basis for what is "disturbing." I felt this was good advice.

Long story short, there just aren't that many disturbing covers. I'm reluctant to leave this pitch behind, so I'm changing "disturbing" to "misleading." I have hope. I have ideas. I have Destructoid. Suggest some misleading covers, so that I can get this pitch off the ground. It is your destiny! Join me, and together, we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Come with me. It is the only way.



Also, here's what was considered "disturbing." These can still be used with my new idea for an article. If you're not familiar with the "Bust-A-Move" series, look it up, and then try and figure out what the fuck the people making the game's box art were thinking.





Misleading:




(This game is just regular pinball, NO BOOBS.)

I was at this charity auction for Bryan's Dream (a nonprofit organization that helps kids with brain tumors), and long story short, I now have 4 VIP passes to the Daily Show.

I have no idea if this means that I just get to sit in the front row or if I actually get to meeet Jon Stewart, but either way, this is fucking awesome.



YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

I work in the cafe section of a reitrement community. I hate it. I hate it so much. The only reason I can't quit is because my parents would just make find a new job (if this sounds pathetic, keep in mind that I'm 17). Still, it pays $9.50 an hour, so things could be worse. I guess.

It's not that I hate old people, it's just that most of the old people I serve are either slow as shit or miserable pricks. Within my first week, I had already been yelled at and given a brief lecture from one guy because I accidentally gave him green beans when he didn't ask for them. They take this shit seriously.



It has a few perks. Some people are interesting, like this old asian dude who sounds almost exactly like Regis Philbin. But since Asian Regis has been acting cranky as of late, I'll share a far more interesting story.



One day, as we were a few minutes from closing time (6:45pm), an old woman approached the desert counter where me and the cashier, Farah, were working/secretly eating food.

What happened next can only be described as baffling.

OLD LADY: Excuse me.

ME: Can I help you?

OLD LADY: Do you have any prune juice?

ME: Hold on. Farah, do we have any prune juice?

FARAH: No. Sorry ma'am, we don't sell that anymore.

OLD LADY: Oh, I'm sorry. It's just that I'm feeling constipated, and the prunes usually help.

ME AND FARAH: .......

OLD LADY: Thanks anyway. Good night!

aka: The Spider That's Hiding Somewhere In My Basement.

In my approx. 9 years of gaming, I've fought many bosses, encountered numerous enemies, and alienated most of my family. I thought that I could take on anything in my virtual world. I still can, actually. Still there are things that exist in my own world where I cannot call upon the power of fireballs or ancient spells to save my ass.

A few things: I have a Wii and a PS2, and I try to play both of them equally, though I'm currently working my way through Super Paper Mario beacuse a) it is fun, and b) my Wii is upstairs (more on this later). Now before you start telling me which console is better, let me say that neither is perfect, but they each have their own perks. On my basement: my basement isn't some ratty concrete-floored storage room. It's about the size of a living room, has light yellow walls, and a patterned greensih carpet. There's also a nice TV and tons of DVDs and video games.

My story begins about a year ago. I remember thinking that it was about time that I play/finish Rogue Galaxy, an underrated action RPG. As I made my way downstairs, something caught my eye. It was something on the floor. Now my reaction to any foreign object that I can't clearly make out is to think that it's a spider. Due to the carpet, I couldn't identify it, but it was the width of 3 quarters (adjusted for inflation) and was dark in color.

Being wary of spiders, I retreated upstairs.

Being a total pussy, I didn't come down until I assumed the spider was dead (several months later).

Wanting the pussies of the future to build a statue to my pusssiness, I grabbed my PS2 and all of it's games, and bought it upstairs.

Ensuring that the pussies of the future will build a statue to my pusssiness, I was too sheepish to look for pictures of spiders for this article.

Time went on, I got to the very end of Rogue Galaxy, where I was able to witness the cheapest final boss battle in my life. (The final battle is a 30-50 minute struggle, not including the cutscenes. There are two forms of the first boss you have to fight, which are a piece of cake. The second boss is the Demon Battleship, where everyone in your party has their own boss to fight, and battles can range between 2-10 minutes. I've always died at the final boss, halfway before killing him. He releases these balls that are one-hit kills, and after that, you need to do the whole thing over. I've wasted several hours of my life because of that bullshit.)

After a while, the Super Bowl came, and I was forced to move my games downstairs. No worries. I assured my self that the spider was gone and that once everything was said and done, I might be able to beat the game.

For whatever reason, I bought up my Wii first, probably because some little kids were coming over and it would shut them up. I forget. My PS2 was still in the basement, and it wasn't alone.

Imagine my surprise to find the spider waiting for me when I went downstairs. Now to be fair, I was getting the laundry because my parents were out, and they asked me to do so. But still, the spider was waiting directly in front of the steps.

It was expecting me.

This was two weeks ago. I have yet to return to the basement.


Will I ever beat Rogue Galaxy?

Long answer: Only if I can conquer my fear of spiders and/or stop being a pussy.

Short answer: No.