Research done by me, actual writing done by the great David Wong.
I might do some blog posts about the webcomics that were so bad, they couldn't be put on the list. On another note, I'm going to pour bleach into my eyes.
Did I mention I got paid $50 for this article? Shit yeah. It's gonna rain.
As noted in my previous post, I'm going to co-writing a Cracked article with David Wong about the most baffling webcomics ("baffling" being the key word here), one of the webcomics that may be included on the list.....is simply amazing.
The only thing that can describe the webcomic's creator is a Patton Oswalt quote "if he had planned to do what he did, he'd be a genius. Like, Andy Kaufman level. But the fact of the matter was, he was a heroin addict..."
The article is called "5 Things The Gaming Industry Will Never Fix (And Why)" by David Wong and Highmore Skeats. The article is timed with the arrival of E3, and does an awesome job summing up why/how the industry is fucking up.
5. Movie Tie-in Games
4. Blowing Shit Up
3. Cut Scenes
2. A.I.
1. Shovelware
Switching gears, I'm currently co-writing an article with David motherfucking Wong. In addition to writing the above article, Wong is the author of a book that's coming out this fall, and has written tons of awesome stuff for Cracked.
Back story: I've earned myself a reputation in the "Worst Webcomics" thread (in the "Mirth Canal" part of the Cracked/PWOT forums) for my expertise in finding the most atrocious webcomics. I originally tried pitching "X Worst Webcomics" but that got nowhere. Wong explained that people expect webcomics to be terrible, which makes sense.
However, Wong invited me to help him write an article involving webcomics, and get a cool $50 for doing so.
That's right. 50 bucks.
I'm going to make it rain.
I don't want to give too much away, but this is totally awesome. I never thought I would be able to get an article published, but now I finally am, and with one of my favorite writers.
I'll be sure to alert you guys when this article is all done.
Remember that song "Blue"? That song from the late nineties that was irritating beyond all levels of measure? Spawned one of the worst music videos ever? Let's refresh your memory. When you've finished screaming in horror and/or laughing hysterically, let me tell you about a little song called "My Console" by Eiffel 65, the same people who did "Blue."
Seriously though, did you watch that video? It's a fucking goldmine of unintentional comedy.
Moving on.
I owned Eiffel 65's Europop. It was one of the first records I ever bought, and I was blown away by it. Of course, I was eight years old, so I would've been blown away by the fact that my ding-dong could make babies come out of a girl's hoo-hah. Nostalgia is the only thing that keeps me from hating the album, which now sounds like a very very very poor man's Discovery (one of my favorite albums).
When I heard this song, all I knew was that it was about video games. I had never heard of these games (eight years old and I only had Pokemon Red and a Gameboy Color), so I always just imagined a super smash bros moving to the beat of the song. I cannot make this up.
Looking back, I'm baffled by the amount of games crammed into a four and a half minute song. I've never played any of these games, but I'm sure the people who have might appreciate it.
Lyrics:
We gonna play the game the playstation all day
With metal gear solid to tekken 3.
And from omega boost to resident evil
Just play for the fun
'Cus we got it going on.
Tekken 3, metal gear solid
Resident evil, gran turismo, omega boost,
Bloody roar, x-files, all over the world
Come on
Ridge Racer
Odd world
Winning Eleven
The game on the playstation
P. L. A. Y. S. T. A. T. I. O. N.
P. L. A. Y. S. T. A. T. I. O. N.
P. L. A. Y. S. T. A. T. I. O. N.
P. L. A. Y. S. T. A. T. I. O. N.
Tekken 3, metal gear solid
Resident evil, gran turismo, omega boost,
Bloody roar, x-files, all over the world
Come on
Ridge racer
Odd world
Winning Eleven
The game on the playstation
P. L. A. Y. S. T. A. T. I. O. N.
P. L. A. Y. S. T. A. T. I. O. N.
P. L. A. Y. S. T. A. T. I. O. N.
P. L. A. Y. S. T. A. T. I. O. N.
We're gonna play the game the playstation all day,
With metal gear solid to tekken 3
And from omega boost to resident evil
Just play for the fun
Cos we got it going on.
Ridge racer
Odd world
Winning Eleven
The game on the playstation
And it is awesome. Alas, I could only buy the Orange Box with the money I had, but it's still freaking sweet. I was just playing Half Life 2 and Portal. Here's what I've learned so far.
-Portal is goddamn hilarious. Since I'm pretty much the last person on Earth to play Portal, I was nervous about the game not living up to the hype. But no worries, as the game was awesomely smart and funny. My favorite part so far are the talking guard turrets ("No hard feelings.")
-HEADCRABS ARE FUCKING TERRIFYING OH GOD WHAT WAS THAT SOUND
-Half Life is a lot more fun when it doesn't hurt your head (the first half life on the PS2 caused me some bad headaches).
-Team Fortress 2 is a lot less fun when you can't play it. Fucking Xbox live.
On an related note, the spider is back. Actually, it's a different spider. This doesn't matter because the first time I saw it, it was in the middle of the room. Then it was at the bottom of the stairs. Now, it's on the wall next to the stairs, halway to the top. SHIIIIT.
On a random note, there was a Katamari game that was released for the 360 a while back. Was it any good?
Anyway, here's something to celebrate this grand day: The music video to Royksopp's "Happy Up Here," which has some sweet 3D Space Invaders in it, to keep with the video game themes or something.
After a long-ass time, the unedited version of is now up. You don't even have to click on any links to view said article off-site! Isn't that awesome?! In short, WELCOME BACK MY FRIENDS, TO THE SHOW THAT NEVER ENDS.
Pokemon Red. It was my first video game, alongside my Gameboy Color, my first console (It was purple, btw). This game got me hooked into videogames, is the source of many childhood memories, and is part of what made me the anti-social nerd I am today.
But looking back, it was a pretty messed up game. It was about an unaccompanied minor fighting random strangers just to inflate his ego (or to become a "pokemon master"). The name means "pocket monsters" for God's sake ("Pocket Monster Master"?). Here are a few reasons why you may want to avoid showing your kids/grandkids/robot spawn your pokemans.
Jynx
Do we need to explain why this thing doesn't belong in a kid's show? This is the only thing that could cause someone to use "racist", "drag queen", and "pokemon" in the same sentence. To be fair, Jynx now has purple skin. So you can remove the “racist” from the previous statement and replace with “fucking creepy”.
All better
According to various Pokedex entries, "Jynx walks rhythmically, swaying and shaking its hips as if it were dancing. Its motions are so bouncingly alluring, people seeing it are compelled to shake their hips without giving any thought to what they are doing", and "It cries sound like human speech. However, it is impossible to tell what it is trying to say". So this pokemonster basically walks around dancing and shouting gibberish, and causes people (who are apparently turned on by racism) to dance alongside. The final nail in the coffin comes from it's signature move "Lovely Kiss". The attack does no damage, but it puts the opponent to sleep, where we can only assume a completely different type of damage is inflicted afterwards.
But hey, it's not like they're ever going to make another pokemon based off a racial stereotype. Not after that monstrosity. Nope, never again. Not in a million years.
Ludicolo
God damnit.
Banette As an unwritten rule, ghost pokemon tend to be a mix between creepy and awesome. Banette however, floats deep into the "creepy" section until it resembles something from a Stephen King novel more than something from Pokemon. See that smile? It doesn't have a smoking problem, it's actually just a zipper. Applaud yourself if the image of some sort of Pokemon gimp didn't immediately spring to mind. If you need us, we'll be rinsing our eyes with bleach.
The worst part is the creepy backstory. It was originally a doll that got thrown away, but got possessed by Shuppet, a ghost pokemon that feeds on the dark emotions in people's hearts. It wanders around garbage dumps and back alleys looking for the child that abandoned it. Keep in mind that "strong feelings of hatred" helped give this doll life, so don't think this Pokemon is looking for a tearful reunion (unless the tears are from the child that abandoned it, as they are consumed by an indescribable fear).
We're not sure how, but Banette is also able to generate energy for laying curses by sticking itself with pins. We're sure that this type of self-inflicted harm is totally appropriate for kids, and has nothing to do with self-esteem.
Cubone At first glance, this seems like a pretty badass pokemon. It attacks its enemies while wearing someone else’s skull and using their bones as a weapon. It’s fun (read: terrifying) to imagine that it could attack its enemies by strangling them with the intestines from an enemy that it killed by using another enemy’s fingers, which it got by killing an enemy with another pokemon’s gallbladder, etc. In short this pokemon looks like the most goddamn ruthless thing in existence.
The truth: The skull on its head? Funny story: After a Cubone is born, its mother dies. It doesn’t say why this happens, or why it happens to EVERY SINGLE ONE, so let’s just assume that the pokegods really have it in for these guys. What does this have to do with the skull? Easy, soon-to-be mentally scarred chum! The motherless Cubone, not wanting to waste a good carcass, wears his mother’s skull as a mask. While it does this constantly mourns for its dead mom. This creature is on par with Norman Bates for being batshit insane with its motherly affection.
Weezing
According to the pokedex:"When it inhales poisonous gases from garbage, its body expands, and its insides smell much worse. " In short, it's a floating ball that smells of death and eats garbage. It should be noted that this is the evolved form of Koffing who looks much happier by comparison.
"Please kill me"
But why the extra head? Some pokedex entries say that when two Koffings meet at a place where two kinds of posion gas meet, and over many years, the two koffing fuse into one of the most depressing things we've encountered so far. That's not evolution, that's a horrible mutation. It's like saying conjoined twins are the next step in human evolution, which goes against everything we learned in Darwin's Origin of the Species and all our "X-Men" comics. It's more likely that Koffing, after years of being a round, floating cigarette that's lit 24/7, got cancer and grew a tumor that turned into another head.
Tentacruel
Japanese nerds made a tentacle monster, and then marketed it to kids.
This isn't going to end well
Let that sink in.
Mewtwo
In the first generation of Pokemon games, Mewtwo was the last Pokemon you could catch, and you needed to beat a group of trainers known as the "Elite Four" just to get access to the cave he lived in. Yes, the most powerful Pokemon in the game lives in a cave. It should be noted that this is a pokemon who has psychic powers, telekinesis, the ability to fly, and is incredibly smart, so it's safe to assume that he was a recluse.
Mewtwo, in all its glory.
But what is it about Mewtwo that makes him an obvious choice for this list? Maybe it's because after all these years, he's still the strongest Pokemon, or his eerie resemblance to Frieza, or maybe it's because his goal in life is to eliminate the human race using an army of Pokemon clones (Hint: It's not the first two). According to the backstory provided in Pokemon: The First Movie (aka Pokemon: The One-and-a-Half Hour Commercial), Mewtwo was a clone of Mew, created by scientists who wanted to make the ultimate Pokemon. It was a shining success. For the most part. We say that because after about two minutes of being self-aware, he kills all the scientists. It should be worth noting that this happens in the first five minutes of the movie.
Giovanni, the leader of Team Rocket (a half-assed organization that tries to achieve world domination through stealing pokemon), approaches Mewtwo and offers to help him control his powers and achieve world domination. Long story short, Mewtwo realizes that he's being used, breaks free, and then somehow ends up inviting the main characters of the TV version to a dinner to torture them and steal their pokemon.
Drowzee/Hypno
Alright, move past the fact that this freak looks like the pokemon version of someone found sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent. Actually, let's not. This pokemon's main power comes from its ability to put someone to sleep using 'Hypnosis', and then do damage using 'Dream Eater'. As the name implies, dreams are eaten, and the user of this attack gets 50% of the given damage restored to its health. If you think that this sounds kinda Freddy Kruger-ish, hold on. Let's have a look at several different entries to Drowzee's pokedex:
- "It rarely eats the dreams of adults because children's are much tastier."
- "If you think that you had a good dream, but you can't remember it a Drowzee has probably eaten it."
- "If your nose becomes itchy while you are sleeping, it's a sure sign that one of these Pokémon is standing above your pillow and trying to eat your dream through your nostrils."
Did you read that last one? You don't need to worry about going out into the wild to try and catch one of these things, because it will fucking break into your house while you sleep and eat your dreams. That's not a description. That's a warning. If we designed this game, the entry would read "Kill on sight. This thing will break into your house, Goddamnit."
Drowzee's evolved form, Hypno, isn't much of an improvement.
It's skinnier, has some Shakespearean mane, and a pendulum. To top it off, " There once was an incident in which it took away a child it hypnotized". We did not make that up, that's the pokedex entry from FireRed version. This Pokemon steals children.
(And both Pokemon are "known to inexplicably conjure up Poison Gas". "Poison Gas", is exactly what it sounds like.)
Paras/Parasect
As much as you might hate insects, Paras has a sort of adorable quality to it. The little mushrooms, shiny eyes, and un-intimidating pincers make it the sort of bug that appeals to people who don’t really like bugs, similar to Fall Out Boy makes rock music for people for people who don’t really like rock music.
Paras’s name was originally “Parasyte”, but was changed since that was the name of a messed up Japanese manga (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parasyte). The difference between the two is obvious: “Parasyte” involves alien parasites that bend people to their will, while Paras is a pokemon controlled by a fungus that controls its brain. According to the Pokedex, “The tochukaso [mushrooms] growing on this Pokémon's back orders it to extract juice from tree trunks”.
Long story short, this pokemon is a zombie, or some variation of a pod person. The mushrooms are based off of Cordyceps, a type of parasitic fungi. If you’re thinking that this plant just wants to get nutrients really badly, then consider this: it can force ants to go to the tip of a plant leaf so that it can be eaten, and then spread its spores after being digested and turned into waste. Basically, the mushrooms could force Paras to get itself eaten just so that it could spread itself around after being turned into poo.
The evolved form Parasect is even less comforting:
Parasect’s growth has been stunted by the (now giant) mushroom, and it has become a gross exaggeration of its former self. Due to being possessed for so long, even the eyes have whited out. Parasect’s only control over mushroom is that it can release spores that either paralyze, poison, or put enemies to sleep. It’s also forced to live in damp, dark places, as this is the type of environment that supports fungus and the mentally insane.
That is the life of Paras/Parasect: Only able to attack, and being the helpless victim of a pizza topping. Oh, and did we mention that these mushrooms are sprinkled on as soon as Paras is born? And we thought Cubone had a shitty childhood, Jesus Christ.
Destructoid is an independently-run publication forged by our love of video games and the gaming community's need of accountable enthusiast press living the dream since March 16, 2006
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