I was listening to Podtoid, and I noticed that I didn’t have any friends.



The thought of being alone made me feel sad, and I wanted to stop that feeling.
So I decided to find a friend.


I listen to Podtoid a lot because in Podtoid, conversations happen even if I don’t talk, and the conversations are funny and interesting, and it feels nice to be part of a conversation that’s funny and interesting.

Usually when I talk it’s just to ask ‘why?’ over and over again in the dark.

I got the feeling people didn’t enjoy talking to me, and it was a nasty feeling, and so I stopped talking altogether. But I still have a nasty feeling from not having friends.
Having Jim and Jonathan and Conrad put their voices in my head helps, but when I rewind or turn the volume up, it ruins it and I cry and remember they’re not there and don’t love me.

So I need real friends who can give me their smiles.



I cleaned my body with the baby wipe I hang on the wall for decoration, and went outside and broke into a house. It wasn’t a big one so it’s fine.

I was going to make myself look nice, and go to the building in the big city that has the flashing lights and loud noises. A lot of buildings have those things, but in this one, there weren’t any conveyor belts, or industrial-sized slabs of meat. This one had young people, and they looked pretty and clever and I wanted to be pretty and clever too.

I’ll go inside, and I won’t just sit down in the centre of the room with my head in my hands- I’ll stand up, even though my legs are always tired and want to be on the floor.
I’ll jump up and down and shout in time to the noises, and then I’ll grab someone and give them my best smile and then they’ll smile and if they don’t smile I’ll keep smiling at them until they do.



Then we’ll go home and they’ll hold my hands, and they won’t care that they’re cold and dirty and don’t have fingernails, they’ll just keep holding them because they'll want to make them warm. They’ll talk about politics and Braid and clever things and I’ll agree with everything they say, and we’ll talk until we fall asleep under the blankets I have on the floor, but I won’t fall asleep I’ll just keep looking at them.

I got very excited at the thought of having a friend.



I went into the house, though this time it was harder to get in than it usually is. I went into the room with the smelly hole, and the mirror. I tried not to look at the mirror too much because when I did that before I pretended my reflection was another person and I talked to them for hours until I was made to leave.

I undressed..







..and put on my very best clothes:



I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.



I was ready to go and find a friend now.


































But Then I Looked Closer.






































I didn’t start talking to myself like I did before. I stayed silent.
I took a step closer to the mirror.
And looked.















































































































And then I walked back to my house
went under my blankets,
and listened to my friends on Podtoid.

(Previously, in my life: http://www.destructoid.com/blogs/My+Enormous+Hairy+Downstairs+Kitchen/my-life-15-30-feb-19-18-48-feb-23-243006.phtml)









































































WHAT WASN’T ENOUGH FOR YOU????????

THE FOOD??? I DIDN’T EAT FOR A MONTH SO YOU WOULD HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT WHEN YOU CAME

THE BRA?????? IT WAS MY LATE SISTER’S TRAINING BRA- SHE NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO GROW BIGGER

WHAT WAS IT THAT DIDN’T MEET YOUR STANDARDS HOLMES? THE HOUSE I BUILT WITH MY OWN FUCKING HANDS??????



WAS IT MY FACE?????? WAS IT MY FUCKING UGLY, FUCKING FUCKING FACE???????????

I WANT YOU INSIDE MY FACE

I’VE HAD MY LIPS READY SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN



I BET YOU THINK I’M A BAD KISSER WELL I’M NOT MY SISTER LET ME PRACTISE LOADS OF TIMES

I practise on myself now.

And when I close my eyes, YOUR LIPS ARE ALL I KNOW



DON’T YOU WANT TO KISS ME JONATHAN????
DON’T YOU WANT TO FUCK MY FACE??????

WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO FUCK MY FUCKING FACE????????




IT TOOK ME SOME TIME, BUT I CHANGED IT, I CHANGED IT FOR YOU JONATHAN
I’VE MADE IT SO MUCH NICER FOR YOU, IT FEELS LIKE BEING INSIDE A GIRL
DON’T BE AFRAID!!!!! COME INSIDE!!!!!!



YOU CAN REST YOUR BALLS IN HERE



WHILE YOU FUCK MY NOSE
















Jonathan, I think you should know that I’m crying as I’m writing this. I’ve been crying the last half hour as I’ve uploaded the photos to Flickr. I love you so much, and I can’t bear the thought of you not loving me. I don’t think I can physically bear the weight of my grief.
Your rejection hit me hard. I think you can sense that. And I know I’ll get over you; I’ll find a new 30-something videogame blogger to pine over. But it won’t be the same.

I’m glad I’m doing this.
I know when I wake up sober tomorrow afternoon, I’ll regret everything I’ve posted here tonight. But right now, I’m glad. I’m glad you can see me, see how much I have to give, see how vulnerable I make myself for your love. And I’m glad to know that in a few months’ time, when Ian Bogost and I are spooning, I can look back and remember. I can read this and see- see how you tunnelled inside my heart, see how passionately I fought to make you mine.
I love you so, so much.

But I recognise I might not be enough for you.


















WILL TWO OF ME CUT IT? DOUBLE COCK, DOUBLE BUTT, DOUBLE GREASY FUCKING MOLE- I’VE GOT SO MUCH LOVE FOR YOU JONATHAN, YOU JUST NEED TO COME AND CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!!!!!!!!
WE’LL BOTH BE WAITING!!!!!!!! WE’LL NEVER STOP WAITING!!!!!!






WON’T YOU FEED ME JONATHAN?
FILL ME – I’M SO FUCKING HUUUUUUNGRYYYYYYYYYYY

Ugh. What a waste of an afternoon.

So, I imagine I'm not the only Podtoid fan who's tried to dig deeper into the archives than episode 76. On your search you've probably come across this post, and this one, and countless others. Nearly all of those links lead to nothing.

It fucking sucks.

Luckily, I came across an archive on 4shared.com a couple of weeks back, uploaded by someone called Derek Gillies. I don't think this has been posted on Dtoid before. Could be completely wrong- as I said, I've done plenty of hunting for old Podtoid episodes, but I could easily have missed a C Blog that had this ahead of me. If this is old news, I apologize for wasting your time.

Anyway, you can see the archive here.

Not every episode that's promised has been fully uploaded- episodes 2 and 3 only have the first few seconds, and episode 7 is missing completely. But otherwise, you've got Podtoid 1-80.

~

Oh, about that wasted afternoon.

Y'see, I thought that, like most sites of its nature, mp3 files on 4share could only be downloaded. WRONG WRONG WRONG - THEY CAN ALSO BE STREAMED. I've spent a fuckton of today uploading old Podtoid episodes to youtube for no good fucking reason.

You can see the products of my disregard for my own life here: