I was listening to Podtoid, and I noticed that I didnít have any friends.
The thought of being alone made me feel sad, and I wanted to stop that feeling.
So I decided to find a friend.
I listen to Podtoid a lot because in Podtoid, conversations happen even if I donít talk, and the conversations are funny and interesting, and it feels nice to be part of a conversation thatís funny and interesting.
Usually when I talk itís just to ask Ďwhy?í over and over again in the dark.
I got the feeling people didnít enjoy talking to me, and it was a nasty feeling, and so I stopped talking altogether. But I still have a nasty feeling from not having friends.
Having Jim and Jonathan and Conrad put their voices in my head helps, but when I rewind or turn the volume up, it ruins it and I cry and remember theyíre not there and donít love me.
So I need real friends who can give me their smiles.
I cleaned my body with the baby wipe I hang on the wall for decoration, and went outside and broke into a house. It wasnít a big one so itís fine.
I was going to make myself look nice, and go to the building in the big city that has the flashing lights and loud noises. A lot of buildings have those things, but in this one, there werenít any conveyor belts, or industrial-sized slabs of meat. This one had young people, and they looked pretty and clever and I wanted to be pretty and clever too.
Iíll go inside, and I wonít just sit down in the centre of the room with my head in my hands- Iíll stand up, even though my legs are always tired and want to be on the floor.
Iíll jump up and down and shout in time to the noises, and then Iíll grab someone and give them my best smile and then theyíll smile and if they donít smile Iíll keep smiling at them until they do.
Then weíll go home and theyíll hold my hands, and they wonít care that theyíre cold and dirty and donít have fingernails, theyíll just keep holding them because they'll want to make them warm. Theyíll talk about politics and Braid and clever things and Iíll agree with everything they say, and weíll talk until we fall asleep under the blankets I have on the floor, but I wonít fall asleep Iíll just keep looking at them.
I got very excited at the thought of having a friend.
I went into the house, though this time it was harder to get in than it usually is. I went into the room with the smelly hole, and the mirror. I tried not to look at the mirror too much because when I did that before I pretended my reflection was another person and I talked to them for hours until I was made to leave.
..and put on my very best clothes:
I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.
I was ready to go and find a friend now.
But Then I Looked Closer.
I didnít start talking to myself like I did before. I stayed silent.
I took a step closer to the mirror.
And then I walked back to my house
went under my blankets,
and listened to my friends on Podtoid.
THE FOOD??? I DIDNíT EAT FOR A MONTH SO YOU WOULD HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT WHEN YOU CAME
THE BRA?????? IT WAS MY LATE SISTERíS TRAINING BRA- SHE NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO GROW BIGGER
WHAT WAS IT THAT DIDNíT MEET YOUR STANDARDS HOLMES? THE HOUSE I BUILT WITH MY OWN FUCKING HANDS??????
WAS IT MY FACE?????? WAS IT MY FUCKING UGLY, FUCKING FUCKING FACE???????????
I WANT YOU INSIDE MY FACE
IíVE HAD MY LIPS READY SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN
I BET YOU THINK IíM A BAD KISSER WELL IíM NOT MY SISTER LET ME PRACTISE LOADS OF TIMES
I practise on myself now.
And when I close my eyes, YOUR LIPS ARE ALL I KNOW
DONíT YOU WANT TO KISS ME JONATHAN????
DONíT YOU WANT TO FUCK MY FACE??????
WHY DONíT YOU WANT TO FUCK MY FUCKING FACE????????
IT TOOK ME SOME TIME, BUT I CHANGED IT, I CHANGED IT FOR YOU JONATHAN
IíVE MADE IT SO MUCH NICER FOR YOU, IT FEELS LIKE BEING INSIDE A GIRL
DONíT BE AFRAID!!!!! COME INSIDE!!!!!!
YOU CAN REST YOUR BALLS IN HERE
WHILE YOU FUCK MY NOSE
Jonathan, I think you should know that Iím crying as Iím writing this. Iíve been crying the last half hour as Iíve uploaded the photos to Flickr. I love you so much, and I canít bear the thought of you not loving me. I donít think I can physically bear the weight of my grief.
Your rejection hit me hard. I think you can sense that. And I know Iíll get over you; Iíll find a new 30-something videogame blogger to pine over. But it wonít be the same.
Iím glad Iím doing this.
I know when I wake up sober tomorrow afternoon, Iíll regret everything Iíve posted here tonight. But right now, Iím glad. Iím glad you can see me, see how much I have to give, see how vulnerable I make myself for your love. And Iím glad to know that in a few monthsí time, when Ian Bogost and I are spooning, I can look back and remember. I can read this and see- see how you tunnelled inside my heart, see how passionately I fought to make you mine.
I love you so, so much.
But I recognise I might not be enough for you.
WILL TWO OF ME CUT IT? DOUBLE COCK, DOUBLE BUTT, DOUBLE GREASY FUCKING MOLE- IíVE GOT SO MUCH LOVE FOR YOU JONATHAN, YOU JUST NEED TO COME AND CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!!!!!!!!
WEíLL BOTH BE WAITING!!!!!!!! WEíLL NEVER STOP WAITING!!!!!!
WONíT YOU FEED ME JONATHAN?
FILL ME Ė IíM SO FUCKING HUUUUUUNGRYYYYYYYYYYY
So, I imagine I'm not the only Podtoid fan who's tried to dig deeper into the archives than episode 76. On your search you've probably come across this post, and this one, and countless others. Nearly all of those links lead to nothing.
It fucking sucks.
Luckily, I came across an archive on 4shared.com a couple of weeks back, uploaded by someone called Derek Gillies. I don't think this has been posted on Dtoid before. Could be completely wrong- as I said, I've done plenty of hunting for old Podtoid episodes, but I could easily have missed a C Blog that had this ahead of me. If this is old news, I apologize for wasting your time.
Not every episode that's promised has been fully uploaded- episodes 2 and 3 only have the first few seconds, and episode 7 is missing completely. But otherwise, you've got Podtoid 1-80.
Oh, about that wasted afternoon.
Y'see, I thought that, like most sites of its nature, mp3 files on 4share could only be downloaded. WRONG WRONG WRONG - THEY CAN ALSO BE STREAMED. I've spent a fuckton of today uploading old Podtoid episodes to youtube for no good fucking reason.
You can see the products of my disregard for my own life here: