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7:51 PM on 05.16.2013

Escape to Helmut Werstler's Cruelty Zoo

I don't know that I have anything to say about any of what's happened the last few days. My opinion on this isn't worth anything, no-one's opinion on this is worth anything, I'm just so sad that this has happened and I so so so fucking hope that woman's going to be okay.†

Does anyone want to play a video game? I know I sure do. I've not done that in forever. I've honestly spent more time reading through the exhausting, endless stream of controversies than I have playing games. I want a day, at least a day, where I just say fuck it and play Resident Evil until I'm half dead. I miss that a lot. I'm going to do that tomorrow.

Most of us are lucky enough to be able to ignore this stuff if we so choose.†

Anyone fancy joining me?†

I've bought 3 Steam codes- Sine Mora, System Shock 2, and Tomb Raider 3.†You don't have to draw something, or make me laugh or anything- just PM me saying you'd like a copy. The first person to message me asking for a specific game will get that game. You have to have been a community member for a while, although to be devoted enough to be reading the site at this hour you'd bloody have to be.†

This has been ghastly. Absolutely fucking ghastly.†

At the present, there's not much anyone can do.





Christ.


Let's just play some fucking games.


EDIT: Sine Mora and System Shock 2 have been taken. So has Tomb Raider 3. Sorry everybody. Also this is getting long, so have a picture of me being happy. For the sake of pacing.†





So I'm a little ashamed of that post last night. I can get a little pessimistic sometimes, I'm afraid. It's a habit I'm trying to break out of.

Fact is, if you're upset about all of this, there IS stuff you can do.

I'm about to go on a seven hour Resident Evil Remake (or Tomb Raider, haven't quite decided) binge, and I encourage everyone who's tired of all the horrible, horrible bullshit that's clogging up our gaming culture to join me in taking some time out to actually PLAY SOME GAMES. It'll do everyone some good.

But I'm disgusted that I suggested that the only thing we can do right now is bury our heads in the sand, and ignore all of this until it blows over. That's escapism at its ugliest and most indulgent.

I think it would be a great thing for everyone tonight to take a well-earned break from the screaming and shouting, and go back to the video games that led us to gaming culture in the first place. They unite us. They should unite us.

But, if you're upset by what's happened to Ms Sagal, you might like to spend a little time beforehand looking at these websites, and maybe considering donating to their causes:

http://transgenderlawcenter.org/

http://srlp.org/

http://www.samaritans.org/

If you don't have any money at hand, but you think you can offer some emotional help, you might want to write something over at the suicide watch section of reddit.†

http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/

And again, if you want to join me in playing a game tonight, PM me if you fancy diving into some Tomb Raider or System Shock. Happy gaming everyone.   read


5:19 AM on 04.02.2013

Trample over your fallen brethren for free Spec Ops copy

I bought a Bioshock 1+2 bundle yesterday, that came packaged with Spec Ops The Line (which I already own), without realizing that there was a cheaper bundle available that came without Spec Ops. Ah well. It's a nice problem to have though- having so many great PC game sales, that it's impossible to keep track of them all!

I tried activating it on Steam to see if it was a valid code. Because my copy's on Steam it didn't redeem it, but is there a chance it won't work now? I'm relatively new to Steam, not entirely sure how this works. If I've messed up, ignore the text below, and leave a disparaging comment.

So yeah- has anyone here who's wanting to play Spec Ops not already got themselves a copy? Leave a comment, I'll PM you the code. It's tempting to make this a competition, and find out just how much power I'm able to wield over you, but fuck it. First come first served. Please only comment if you REALLY want to play (actually *play*) the game, and not just leave it sitting in your Steam library for the rest of the year.   read


3:37 PM on 03.14.2013

Nintendo Gamer

For reasons I'll save for another blog because it's been a long day and I'm a little too tired to tell you kids a bedtime story, I grew up with games, but I didn't grow up with gaming culture. The idea that there might be magazines devoted to gaming didn't even occur to me.

When I did start to search for a community that shared my love of games, print media was being declared dead, and I just stuck to the news that filtered down through Twitter, and to idly clicking through IGN. It was only last summer that I picked up my first ever magazine - Nintendo Gamer. I was going on holiday, and I picked it up because I knew I couldn't get any internet connection where I was going. To cut a long story short- it was bloody good. It was really bloody good. It was whimsical and passionate and laugh out loud funny. It took games seriously, and it took games journalism seriously, but it didn't take itself seriously at all.

I fell in love, and after twenty odd years of publication, it was killed three issues later.

I really did fall for it, hard, and I'm far more passionate about it than I'm allowed to be. There were people who subscribed from the very beginning, right until the end, and I feel I'm trampling all over their grief.

I started buying back issues from ebay, but the magazine was so resolutely upbeat and optimistic, I couldn't help but be sad when reading with the knowledge of where it was headed.
I'm not going to seek out past issues, but for some sense of closure, I want to share with you some articles from the few I've read that I really liked.

As I said, I'm really tired, so I'm going to stop writing now and just give you the articles. Hope you like them; if you do I'll post more. Don't know where I stand legally with this. Don't sue please thanks.

Iwata Asks...Nick Clegg

Iwata Asks...The Higgs Boson Particle

Iwata Asks...Kazuo Hirai

Iwara Asks...The Corporate Overlords (this is from the final issue)

Skyward Sword retrospective, part 1

Skyward Sword retrospective, part 2

Skyward Sword retrospective, part 3

The Future of Mario, part 1

The Future of Mario, part 2

The Future of Mario, part 3

The Future of Zelda, part 1

The Future of Zelda, part 2

The Future of Zelda, part 3

Loved you Nintendo Gamer. It was too brief.   read


8:43 PM on 03.01.2013

Happy People Smiling




oh! hello there. you just caught me being good looking and normal

iím looking back over my life, reminiscing over all the times iíve been happy

loads, by the way. i've been happy loads







i've got tons of friends here's some more of them







this isnít even a percentage of all the times Iíve been happy God there have been so many






wow so many good times

so much fun



so much fun





so much..







um





No no no shut up there you are there you are smile smile smile



NO NO NO NO NO NO NO HAPPY HAPPY



I AM HAPPY I AM I AM LOOK AT ALL THOSE FRIENDS YOU HAVE YOU HAVE THEM THEY DO EXIST

SMILE





SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMI







  read


11:25 AM on 02.16.2013

..Um.



One day, I couldn't stop smiling.



I had forgotten to sleep for a couple of days. I could tell, because my nightmares usually stay in my dreams, and don't come out into real life.



Something about Jonathan Holmes, blah blah blah



Something threatening and unpleasant, yada yada. Iím just going to stop there. You get the fucking picture.

Ugh.


































So then.

Hello Destuctoid! I, uh, think we got off on the wrong foot.

My nameís Callum. I was a little reluctant to give my name, but once youíve posted numerous close-up shots of your face and accompanying greasy pimples, withholding your name so as not to be discovered seems a little redundant.

Iíve been told for a very long time that I have an Ďoddí sense of humour- that seems to be the consensus, who am I to disagree with it. Itís frustrating for me though, because although Iím able to make my friends laugh, theyíre not able to return the favour. Which is fair; I canít expect them to strip for me and scream about how lonely they are I suppose. Anyway, I thought a potential solution to my stony face was to try and amuse myself in my spare time, by making the sort of stuff I'd want to see.


I took to regularly reading Destructoid a few months back, after the only quality gaming magazine in Britain closed down (Nintendo Gamer, formerly known as NGamer- there are back issues on ebay, get them quick). Nintendo Gamer was extremely well written, but it was light hearted and whimsical and laugh-out-loud funny, and knew that when it came to videogame writing, passion and honesty win out over navel-gazing intellectual punch ups every time.

Well, in theory anyway. The former publisher of Nintendo Gamer also puts out ĎEdge Magazineí, a magazine thatís equally well-written, far more respected, and deathly, deathly dull. The magazine with the bloody tagline Ďthe future of interactive entertainmentí lives on, while Nintendo Gamer, died last August.


For me, Destructoid is its spiritual successor. Itís perhaps a little lighter on the British whimsy, and more heavy on the dick jokes, but the unabashed passion for videogames and the people who love them that I saw in NGamer is definitely alive and well here. Itís also the only site I've come across where the new, refreshingly progressive attitude thatís been sweeping across games writing as of late, has successfully taken over with sincerity, without pomposity, and without sacrificing a sense of fun.

I also see Dtoid as one of the only places liberal enough with common sense to let me post the sort of tat I like, so Iíll be sticking around for a while. A very, very sincere thanks for having me- I love the site and all it stands for.

I play videogames sometimes, as it happens, and Iím aiming to take more time to read the community's thoughts about them, and write down some of my own. I think Iíve got a weirder history with the medium than most. My first console was the Sega Megadrive, in 2003, and it was my only console for nearly five years- until I bought a PS1 for the original Silent Hill, and the original Silent Hill alone. My favourite game is Silent Hill Shattered Memories, which, at over 50 playthroughs, is the game Iíve sunk the most time into. Donít regret a second.



I'm hoping to keep posting stuff where my face is a pie and I give a running commentary on how it feels to travel down a child's digestive system etc etc, but do tell me if I step out of line and actually upset you. Again, I really am grateful for you having me here, and I'm hoping to become part of the community- not just exist as the red-headed step child you take pity on, but still shove in the corner at parties. Thanks again, and I'll see you around.




































..Somehow, me trying to be normal is creepier isn't it?   read


7:26 PM on 02.13.2013

On Role-Models

We all need role-models. Itís hard to be a person with their own thoughts and ideas, so many of us choose to think the thoughts and ideas of other people.

Common sources of inspiration include family members, religious figureheads, and personalities from popular culture.

My personal role-model growing up was Bob, the demonic rapist and serial killer from early Ď90ís television series Twin Peaks.



Bob raped his teenage daughter repeatedly from early adolescence, and then killed her in an abandoned railway car in the woods.



I really like Bob, and I have a 30x20 inch canvas print of his face. I hang it above my bed, to remind myself as I doze off to sleep that death is unavoidable, only the cruel and merciless can survive in this world, and humankind was not put on this earth to feel joy.



Who are your role models? Do you have a similarly funny story? Leave a comment below! Make sure to like, subscribe, and link this article on facebook, reddit and twitter.

  read


10:29 PM on 02.03.2013

Shalalalalalala



I was listening to Podtoid, and I noticed that I didnít have any friends.



The thought of being alone made me feel sad, and I wanted to stop that feeling.
So I decided to find a friend.


I listen to Podtoid a lot because in Podtoid, conversations happen even if I donít talk, and the conversations are funny and interesting, and it feels nice to be part of a conversation thatís funny and interesting.

Usually when I talk itís just to ask Ďwhy?í over and over again in the dark.

I got the feeling people didnít enjoy talking to me, and it was a nasty feeling, and so I stopped talking altogether. But I still have a nasty feeling from not having friends.
Having Jim and Jonathan and Conrad put their voices in my head helps, but when I rewind or turn the volume up, it ruins it and I cry and remember theyíre not there and donít love me.

So I need real friends who can give me their smiles.



I cleaned my body with the baby wipe I hang on the wall for decoration, and went outside and broke into a house. It wasnít a big one so itís fine.

I was going to make myself look nice, and go to the building in the big city that has the flashing lights and loud noises. A lot of buildings have those things, but in this one, there werenít any conveyor belts, or industrial-sized slabs of meat. This one had young people, and they looked pretty and clever and I wanted to be pretty and clever too.

Iíll go inside, and I wonít just sit down in the centre of the room with my head in my hands- Iíll stand up, even though my legs are always tired and want to be on the floor.
Iíll jump up and down and shout in time to the noises, and then Iíll grab someone and give them my best smile and then theyíll smile and if they donít smile Iíll keep smiling at them until they do.



Then weíll go home and theyíll hold my hands, and they wonít care that theyíre cold and dirty and donít have fingernails, theyíll just keep holding them because they'll want to make them warm. Theyíll talk about politics and Braid and clever things and Iíll agree with everything they say, and weíll talk until we fall asleep under the blankets I have on the floor, but I wonít fall asleep Iíll just keep looking at them.

I got very excited at the thought of having a friend.



I went into the house, though this time it was harder to get in than it usually is. I went into the room with the smelly hole, and the mirror. I tried not to look at the mirror too much because when I did that before I pretended my reflection was another person and I talked to them for hours until I was made to leave.

I undressed..







..and put on my very best clothes:



I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.



I was ready to go and find a friend now.


































But Then I Looked Closer.






































I didnít start talking to myself like I did before. I stayed silent.
I took a step closer to the mirror.
And looked.















































































































And then I walked back to my house
went under my blankets,
and listened to my friends on Podtoid.



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10:59 PM on 02.02.2013

My Greasy Grief

(Previously, in my life: http://www.destructoid.com/blogs/My+Enormous+Hairy+Downstairs+Kitchen/my-life-15-30-feb-19-18-48-feb-23-243006.phtml)









































































WHAT WASNíT ENOUGH FOR YOU????????

THE FOOD??? I DIDNíT EAT FOR A MONTH SO YOU WOULD HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT WHEN YOU CAME

THE BRA?????? IT WAS MY LATE SISTERíS TRAINING BRA- SHE NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO GROW BIGGER

WHAT WAS IT THAT DIDNíT MEET YOUR STANDARDS HOLMES? THE HOUSE I BUILT WITH MY OWN FUCKING HANDS??????



WAS IT MY FACE?????? WAS IT MY FUCKING UGLY, FUCKING FUCKING FACE???????????

I WANT YOU INSIDE MY FACE

IíVE HAD MY LIPS READY SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN



I BET YOU THINK IíM A BAD KISSER WELL IíM NOT MY SISTER LET ME PRACTISE LOADS OF TIMES

I practise on myself now.

And when I close my eyes, YOUR LIPS ARE ALL I KNOW



DONíT YOU WANT TO KISS ME JONATHAN????
DONíT YOU WANT TO FUCK MY FACE??????

WHY DONíT YOU WANT TO FUCK MY FUCKING FACE????????




IT TOOK ME SOME TIME, BUT I CHANGED IT, I CHANGED IT FOR YOU JONATHAN
IíVE MADE IT SO MUCH NICER FOR YOU, IT FEELS LIKE BEING INSIDE A GIRL
DONíT BE AFRAID!!!!! COME INSIDE!!!!!!



YOU CAN REST YOUR BALLS IN HERE



WHILE YOU FUCK MY NOSE
















Jonathan, I think you should know that Iím crying as Iím writing this. Iíve been crying the last half hour as Iíve uploaded the photos to Flickr. I love you so much, and I canít bear the thought of you not loving me. I donít think I can physically bear the weight of my grief.
Your rejection hit me hard. I think you can sense that. And I know Iíll get over you; Iíll find a new 30-something videogame blogger to pine over. But it wonít be the same.

Iím glad Iím doing this.
I know when I wake up sober tomorrow afternoon, Iíll regret everything Iíve posted here tonight. But right now, Iím glad. Iím glad you can see me, see how much I have to give, see how vulnerable I make myself for your love. And Iím glad to know that in a few monthsí time, when Ian Bogost and I are spooning, I can look back and remember. I can read this and see- see how you tunnelled inside my heart, see how passionately I fought to make you mine.
I love you so, so much.

But I recognise I might not be enough for you.


















WILL TWO OF ME CUT IT? DOUBLE COCK, DOUBLE BUTT, DOUBLE GREASY FUCKING MOLE- IíVE GOT SO MUCH LOVE FOR YOU JONATHAN, YOU JUST NEED TO COME AND CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!!!!!!!!
WEíLL BOTH BE WAITING!!!!!!!! WEíLL NEVER STOP WAITING!!!!!!






WONíT YOU FEED ME JONATHAN?
FILL ME Ė IíM SO FUCKING HUUUUUUNGRYYYYYYYYYYY






  read


5:01 PM on 01.18.2013

Old Podtoid Episodes



Ugh. What a waste of an afternoon.

So, I imagine I'm not the only Podtoid fan who's tried to dig deeper into the archives than episode 76. On your search you've probably come across this post, and this one, and countless others. Nearly all of those links lead to nothing.

It fucking sucks.

Luckily, I came across an archive on 4shared.com a couple of weeks back, uploaded by someone called Derek Gillies. I don't think this has been posted on Dtoid before. Could be completely wrong- as I said, I've done plenty of hunting for old Podtoid episodes, but I could easily have missed a C Blog that had this ahead of me. If this is old news, I apologize for wasting your time.

Anyway, you can see the archive here.

Not every episode that's promised has been fully uploaded- episodes 2 and 3 only have the first few seconds, and episode 7 is missing completely. But otherwise, you've got Podtoid 1-80.

~

Oh, about that wasted afternoon.

Y'see, I thought that, like most sites of its nature, mp3 files on 4share could only be downloaded. WRONG WRONG WRONG - THEY CAN ALSO BE STREAMED. I've spent a fuckton of today uploading old Podtoid episodes to youtube for no good fucking reason.

You can see the products of my disregard for my own life here:







  read


5:49 AM on 09.07.2012

THIS IS HOW I SPEND MY EVENINGS OH MY GOD SOMEONE STOP ME part 1







  read


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