The diary of William Adams:Western Samurai pt.27
Note: This is an entry in DVDDesign's competition and contains no truth. Yet. As this will happen in the future when mankind travels back in time to fight wars by killing each other's relatives.
As I writhed around in panic, my fellow crewmates screamed horrifyingly as The Squid
latched onto their faces ever tighter. As the insipid The Squid
's tentacles violated my men's fresh orifices I turned to Watson and said,
"Well, this is one slippery squiduation"
Unfortunately Watson did not hear my sublime wit as his face had been knawed off by a flurry of rugged cephalo-beaks. I proceeded to let out a girly scream, which was promptly interrupted by the back of my head being smashed by the Ship's boom.
It was always
that Bloody Boom.
I fell unconscious. Although it was not so much a fall as the sensation of being sent through a wall made of 4-inch thick planks upside-down.
I awoke minutes later to some sort scream from one of our Japanese guides,
Of course, this meant absolutely nothing to me, I being an ignorant Gaijin only in this "Land of the Rising Sun" for the Geisha's and Blow. When I surveyed the deck I saw what seemed to be some sort of Giant Reptilian Overlord with had bicoloured horn upon the fore of it's head. A Unigodzillacorn if you may. By ths point I just didn't really care if I died or not. As I watched, dazed, the Unigodzillacorn fire some sort of rainbow-tinted beam at The Squid
, which fired The Squid
into another dimension.
An accurate depiction of what happened on the turn of the Dawn of Destiny.
Things weren't looking good, the ship was drowning itself steadily. The cargo of women endowed with their sideway cunnies belowdeck would be thrashing at their fetters like panicced women tied onto a pirate ship full of illegal prostitutes. A surprisingly apt metaphor if I do say so.
As I consigned myself to an honourable death, going down with my ship, the Unigodzillacorn leant down towards me and opened it's mouth. A staircase slid down onto what was left from the deck like a giant steele tongue. I skipped up the stairs gayly, happy to leave behind the death and guilt of my dying ship and crew. Then I entered the trachea of the mechanical beast and was welcomed by many tatooed men, who seemed to be impressed by the quality of my manly beard.
There was a swish. A curtain opened and revealed a wise japanese man, he spoke in fluent Engrish.
This picture represents the spectral majesty of this man's wisdom. His eyes contain such a powerful truth that only Demi-Gods may gaze upon them.
"Welcome to we home, our close stranger. Beard is mighty
, like prophecy told. Time is Near, ritual of magic seed is arrive soon."
"What ritual?", I thought to myself. Seemingly the man knew what i was thinking,
"Bukkake. Of God."
I did not understand what this Bukkake was. The man led me through what I presumed to be the Cardiac Sphincter of the Mechanical Unigodzillacorn. From within the stomach there emitted a golden glow, like the sunlight of my youth, before the great war killed everyone. When I entered it became clear to me. There lay a tapestry, and on that tapestry(Which had worrying stains on it)
there lay an image of God. All around him stood figures which resembled the Yakuza, discernable by their large, "kawaii" eyes. There also stood a man, who had a mighty
beard. That was me.
This is kindof like that joke in Monty Python Flying Circus. Where the joke is so funny, if you hear it you die. Except if you saw the real version of this you'd die inside. More.
What we were doing to God on this tapestry was incredibly unseemly. Disturbing even. Mere words could not describe it. Watson had once told me of a "bukkake party" he took part in, but I wasn't listening at the time. But what lay on this tapestry was even worse than that time we all gathered around Johnson in his sleep and ejaculated on him. Yes, that's right. Worse
. Like some kind of pearlescent octopus. Yes, that is the best way of describing it.
As I stood there, with my jaw hanging open, the wise japanese man wrapped his lips around mine and tried to ram his tongue down my throat. I promptly smacked him in his kisser and he spiralled to the floor. I spat in a manly fashion whilst he lay squirming on the floor saying something about "yaoi". I grabbed his hand and pulled him up, looking him sternly in the eyes.
"We got some Bukkake
I then licked my lips lustfully, as did he.
Within minutes we had all strapped ourselves into our pods in the Unigodzillacorn(which was apparantly called a "Gundam GTX3000 Deluxe Edition"
and we set off. With a scream of "Banzzaaaaaiiiii
" we flew off, the Unigodzillacorn's tail acting as a propeller of sorts.
As we flew over Lake Kawaguchi on our way to the final showdown with God, I pondered to myself how I had got here. Then I figured that I needn't elaborate as anyone who wanted to know could just check the other 26 parts of this diary. As I looked down from my scaly pod to the lake I saw that plenty of other boats where being helplessly savaged by The Squid
s besides my own. That made me feel a little better.
The Unigodzillacorn carved a groove in the snow and shuddered to a halt. Unfortunately we had to leave the safety of our pods. We floated down to the ground in an ethereal light produced by a "Chakra-refinement Device", we looked like Holy Warriors. Holy Warriors on a Pilgrimage to kill God. Before me lay a door. It was a "fusama", what I knew to be a sliding paper door. Me being the sly devil I am, I kicked a hole right through the door and let out a coarse, and manly sound similiar to someone choking. just really loud though. God turned and transfixed me with it's eyes. It looked distinctly japanese, but I couldn't place a finger on why that was.
This is God.
I had performed this scene in my mind on the journey here. I simply whipped my genetalia out and slapped God around the face with it, such a mighty
blow sent God tumbling along the floor. The Yakuza pulled through the door and whipped out their gentialia also, and with such effiency. I proceeded to perform Bukkake
on God. It was an extreme strain on the body, requiring me to do things no ordinary human could ever perform. Without such a mighty
beard such a feat would be impossible, even for God. As I reached my peak, i screamed,
GIGA BEARDU BURAIKAA!
Afterwards, there was silence. No explosion. No nothing. God just lay there, motionless and messy. Extremely messy. I bowed to my Yakuza "nakama". They bowed back, and said,
"Best your living"
I thanked them for their wise words and turned away.I left to do what I set out to Japan to do before all this mess that ended up with me killing God. To play videogames.