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1:07 PM on 11.29.2011

Tales from Skyrim: Ascent to Madness

SPOILER ALERT! Contains minor information about the Dark Brotherhood quest line

Whiterun was a decent place to start up my new idyllic life. After my time fighting for the Empire, Jarl Balgruuf was nice enough to offer me a home in his city as thanks for my staunch defense of the gates. Needless to say I accepted. It was of appropriate size for a man of my standing, and near the forge. I am just a humble blacksmith, spending my days at the forge and my nights with my lovely wife.

I may have slayed several dragons and quelled a rebellion, but this moment was far more satisfying

Day in and day out I worked the forge, slowly mastering my craft. Many of my old brothers-in-arms urged me to continue my life as an adventurer, but I had a family to take care of. The life of a smith was more satisfying than that of an adventurer, believe it or not. When I hit the steel with my hammer it would sing to me, not unlike the way a bandit would sing after I buried my axe in them. albeit less haunting. I saw immediate results from work, the more I forged the more ornate and extravagant my work became. My wife made life even better, though marrying me did crush her dreams of joining a caravan she did not resent me. She managed to open a small shop, and with the armor I forged for her we did well for ourselves.

Nothing like a day of honest work

My wife may not have held anything against me, but I felt as though I was holding her back. My armor was of legendary quality, but without any buyers I was getting desperate for means to make money to give my wife the life she deserved. I was invited to Solitude by my friend's at the Bard's College, and that's when I saw it. Proudspire Manor. That's the house my wife deserved, not that their was anything inherently wrong with our home in Whiterun. As soon as I returned, I got to work. I would make as much armor as I could, and travel through out Skyrim selling my armor to whoever would buy it. I spent hours, even days, at the forge, and it started to take it's toll.

Things started to get strenuous at home

I started becoming desperate for gold. Whatever I would make off my armor, I lost in buying supplies. I had to find more work. I heard of a boy in Windhelm, attempting some sort of ritual. I figured if I got him back to the orphanage I would be offered a modest sum. Instead the boy offered me a contract. Kill the wench who ran the orphanage, and be rewarded. Now I had no intention of killing the woman, until I met her. Grelod the Kind was a vile woman who seemed to take pleasure in abusing the children, but she still didn't deserve what I did to her. Even the children cheering over her body did not help me sleep at night. As I tossed and turned in my uncomfortable straw mattress at the Local Inn, I was kidnapped. I awoke in a shed, and a woman clad in black told me that I owed the Dark Brotherhood for taking their contract. In return for killing one of three people in the room, she offered lucrative work which promised precious rewards. I could only think of one thing. Gold. I accepted.

How could I refuse?

I was shockingly good at being an assassin, and as I got more work I could feel myself slipping. I killed everyone I could for even the most meager of profits. Flower Girls, Cooks, Bandits, Grave Robbers, Bards, no one was safe. What started off as a way to get my wife a new house became my life. I spent days at the Sanctuary, practically forgetting my wife altogether. I had started off the year as a man of simple means, but by the end of the month I was responsible for the death of the Emperor.

I am ashamed to admit that this was the highlight of my life

I had not known that madness plagued me by the time I was able to afford fully furnishing my wife's new home, but she did. My behaviour became erratic. I was prone to violent mood swings, and self-destructive activities, like eating poisonous herbs. My wife thought perhaps working at the forge again would help, so she sent me back to Whiterun to work for awhile.

Even forging didn't feel the same as it used to

I never did see my wife again. Well I never saw her alive again. I returned to Solitude to find her on our dining table with her throat slit. Had I done this, and just blacked it out? Did someone perhaps hold a grudge against me? How could this have happened? To this day I don't how she died, but I did know I was alone. Alone and Free, and what better way to celebrate freedom than with unabashed wholesale slaughter. Thank you wife, If not for you and your constant need for appeasement I would have never embraced my gift. As my good friend Cicero the Jester says " Just... Stab, stab, stab,stab! And then... Stab, stab, stab,stab!"   read

10:50 AM on 02.25.2011

The Chewie Reviewie: Hurricane Cocktails and Oblivion


Episode 2 of the Chewie Reviewie has Arrived! This week I bring slightly less drunk, delicious drinks, and slightly old games. It's also better this time

Hurricane Cocktails:
Holy Fack these are delicious! Drink for a taste of New Orleans pizazz. Plus they are sexy!

The Elder Scrolls IV : Oblivion
It's Racist

Other than that it's pretty great. The people all look like puffy oompa loompas. I enjoyed the combat quite a bit, even though I didn't do much of it in the video. You should play it. Even though you probably already have.

<3 Chewie

P.S. Picking locks sucks.   read

10:37 AM on 02.17.2011

The Chewie Reviewie: Rum&Beer and MvC3

Hello Dtoid Army,

I'ts been a while, but I have returned to the "blogosphere" with the ultimate power! I come bearing a video review for Marvel Versus Capcom 3.... While drunk! Enjoy, my friends!


Chewie   read

9:06 AM on 12.07.2009

PAX East 2010: Popping my PAX Cherry

It was amazing. Absolutely amazing. I joined Destructoid about six months ago after lurking for about a year, and hearing stories about the community from my good friend Volkarin. During my time I have enjoyed meeting several Dtoider late night Skype calls, and founded Dtoid Fredericton with ScottyG ( There are two of us). I went to PAX East expecting a good time, and had the time of my life.

I arrived Thursday night in Boston after a seven hour drive with ScottyG and Volkarin. After going to our respective hotels we met up at Uno's Pizzeria. Before I continue I would just like to mention that my hotel was amazing. There were bathrobes, a rubber ducky, and decent sized closet. A Closet I so happened to sleep in for the weekend. Back to the story. I got to say, Uno's probably has one of the best group of servers I've seen in a while. Phenomenal waitresses that let us take up whole sections of the restaurant. Not to mention they kept track of everyone's bill pretty well. Any place that has a waitress that is willing to help me find a Taco Bell is absolutely amazing in my eyes.

So Freaking Cool!

Any who, So we had a fantastic first night with much singing, though I was bit shy and didn't introduce my self to very many people. That changed Friday night though. The first real day of PAX East blew my mind. Early on I lost my "phone" ( I was using Volkarin's phone, and he totally left me alone) so i found my self wandering the expo floor, and going to interesting panels. I had so much fun wandering about that I forgot to get in line early for the Protomen concert which I had been nerdgasming about since I found about it. Fortunately I'm the luckiest man alive, and I ended at the very front of the stage. I was so pumped by the end of the concert That I had no problem socializing that night.

The rest of PAX went as I had thought. Lots of joy and merriment. Some of the highlights that I haven't already mentioned include:
- Analoge being traumatized by the food court
- An extra long hand shake with Kauza. ( I just didn't want to let him go)
- Nik Monroe. All memories of Nik are fond memories.
- Singing Queen and Journey out side of Uno's
- Zen's awesome chiptune concert
- Playing Miegakure, Limbo, Monday Night Combat, and Splinter Cell Conviction
- Analoge impressions
- Nerdgasming with JohnnyViral at the Rooster Teeth panel
- 321GOcast vs Let'sCybercast westside-story-style dance fight
- Pictochatting in Jillians
- Being forced to Record the "best": Let'sCybercast Sunday Night ( Y'all should look forward to that)
- All the goodbye hugs

My love for you all has evolved into something far to powerful for me to contain. Thank you all so much for making my first time so enjoyable. For cereal, y'all are so pringles it's ridonkulous. Silly words aside, I already miss you all!

Much love,
Mr. Chewie   read

9:31 PM on 11.04.2009

Whoa look at me! I have Dibs on Coach.

I recently read Reverend Anthony's dibs on Nick, and decided that I to should place my arbitrary sense of ownership on a character I feel I can connect with.

I call dibs on Coach

Here's why:

He loves Chocolate

I love chocolate too! As a child I was never allowed to eat chocolate because my father was a dentist and believed chocolate was the devil. The next day I ran away, and traveled the world looking for the best chocolate. I eventually grew up and made a wonderful factory. I made the best candy in the world, until that bastard Slugworth started sending spies to steal my recipes. I had to fire all my employees, and enslave indigenous people of the amazon to do all the work. Fucking Slugworth.

Anyways, Like Coach I have a fondness for that silky smooth bar of fermented cocoa seed.

We both use to live in nice neighborhoods

God damn gang bangers. I used to be able to where a mini skirt and halter top without fear of getting raped, but as soon as some thugs appear I have to wrap my self in them ugly ass sweats again. I'll never get me a good brotha wearing that slop, and I know I did not spend $500 on my hair so it can be counteracted with some nasty ass clothing. What's a sister to do.

Also I get more pumped up when Coach shouts his neighborhood line, than any other part in the trailer. Probably has something to do with that booming voice of his.

I can relate

Have you ever tried to run up thirty flight of stairs? It's hard, but good ol' coach pushes on. Of course if there was a helicopter of chocolate waiting for me, I think I could make it too. Not just that though. I used to be fat. Sure I was a kid, and fat kids are nature's way of making joke. I remember one time these kids pinned me down and stared slapping my belly. Then they threw pastries at me, and me eat them. God my childhood was depressing....

And lastly:

He puts Ellis in his place. Oh yeah

No likes Ellis. I forsee him being the butt of many jokes to come.

Literally Fuck Ellis   read

8:35 AM on 10.21.2009

The Chewie and Nelson Perspective: Demon's Souls, Chewie edition

The Chewie and Nelson Perspective is a project between Mr.Chewie and Volkarin (Nelson). We will be exclusively reviewing games with Co-op play, as well commenting on what it was like to play one with one another. There will be both a Chewie Edition and a Nelson Edition of our reviews under our respective c-blogs

My experience with Demon's souls has been wonderful. I'll begin with the character customization, both aesthetically and functionally. There are a breadth of options to which you can customize your character, and I'm sure if you played around with it enough you could make some fun creations. My only gripe was the lack of beard options. I could make a measly excuse for a goatee that looked more like my character was eating chocolate than a actual facial hair. Luckily, not having a beard didn't affect the game too much. The stat customization is pretty standard at first. You choose an origin class, each of which have certain perks. I personally chose the Royalty class for two reasons; It was the only class that started at level one, and I like the way the circlet looked on my character.

I had a difficult time at first getting used to the "hard-core" nature of the game, but I was soon able to fight my way through hordes of enemies easily. As i gathered more souls I decided it'd be a good time to raise some stats and upgrade the weaponry. As soon as I saw the luck stat I decided thats where my loyalty would lie. So that's how my Luck/Magic based character came into existence.

Once you figure out what to do this guy is surprisingly easy

I personally found this game ridiculously fun. Every boss fight was memorable, every new encounter challenging, and though the story is rarely mentioned, it too was enjoyable. Each level does a good job of presenting challenges that require different strategies from the last, my favorite being the prison area of 3-1. The games is usually eerily silent most of the time, which I actually enjoyed. The silence adds a sort of tension that preludes danger. Kind of like the calm before the storm. The music that did play, exclusively during most boss fights, was both appropriate and fun to listen to.

The Co- Op is a little different, and takes some time to get used to. For not having voice chat it does work surprisingly well. The PvP on the other hand I found really enjoyable. There is nothing more satisfying to me than killing some one right after they have killed a boss. Plus it's super fun! You know what say, humans ARE best prey.

All in all this a great game that takes me back to a time, when beating a game meant something. I recommend this game to everyone, regardless of whether or not you enjoy rape in the form of repeated digital deaths.

Now for my favorite part :


You guys should all know, Nelson is a phenomenal person to play with. He would consistently took hits for me, while I stayed far behind and enjoyed the amazing scenery. We had countless adventures. I think I'll share one with you.

The setting is the Prison of Hope ( A.K.A. World 3-1)
Nelson and I had just escaped braved the terror that haunted deep inside the hellish antechamber ironically named "Hope". Despair surrounded us as we bolted towards the doors of a nearby church. I looked at him as we ran. I looked at the man who practically held my life in his hands. I looked at the man I called friend. If it wasn't for his very capable hands I would have undoubtedly been penetrated by the long slimy tendrils of the octopus headed guards that patrolled the halls. Suddenly, an arrow flew past me, but from where. There was no one in sight. We continued to sprint. Slowly a dark figure formed out the shadows, and charged us. We fought, and eventually it fell. Nelson waved his arms in victory. Once the celebration was over we proceeded to enter the church, and that's when she a appeared. A beautiful goddess clad in black descended from the ceiling, giggling softly. Nelson prepared for battle.

" No!", I yelled through the online telephone service Skype, " She can't be evil"

" What the f@#K are you talking about", gargled Nelson, " She's the boss"

The poor fool had been taken by the demons. This was obviously the princess that Captain Falcon had sent us to save. Nelson was lost, and I know what I had to do. I prepared to attack, but unsurprisingly they had no effect on him.

" Stop dicking around, and help asshole", he roared. He was gone. The Demons had consumed him. He struck the princess. He struck her repeatedly. He struck her so hard that it could almost be considered sexual.I tried to stop him. I tried to protect the princess. Fortunately when the got hurt enough she made multiple copies of herself. That kinda clued me in that she wasn't a princess, but was actually Fool's Idol . We both ran to the side, and prepared a strategy.

We had to draw out the original, but who ever drew the fire would surely die. I volunteered, but Nelson stopped me. He grabbed my arm, looked me in the eyes, and mumbled, " No Chewie! You have your whole life ahead of you! There's no reason for you to die". We embraced for the first and last time. As we let each other go he whispers in my ear Live life for the both of us. In a flash he was out in the open, rays of energy hitting him from all directions, and that when she revealed herself. On the far end of the room The Fool's Idol sent out a lightning ball far to large for any clone to create. A single tear feel from my cheek as Nelson's charred corpse hit the floor.

I leaped into action, running from pillar to pillar. I was within running distance. I was going to make it. Then I stepped on some sort of glyph that stunned me, and I died.....

Mr. Chewie ~<3
Link to the Nelson Edition   read

6:18 AM on 10.18.2009

Search For a Deeper Meaning: The Crestfallen Warrior

Demon's Souls has been out for a good week or so, and I have thoroughly enjoyed playing it. Apart from the challenging game play, memorable boss fights, and essential ( but fun) grinding one things stuck out for me. The Crestfallen Warrior. The following will contain "minor" spoilers regarding said character, so if you care about this character as much as I do stop reading now.

Most of those who have played this game probably remember the Crestfallen Warrior as the first person they meet in the Nexus, and would characterize him as a patronizing, depressed, failure who's only purpose is to discourage you. However, I say that all those that think this should be ashamed. They belittle this poor man's efforts, and everything he represents. To me he is probably the most important influential NPC you'll meet in this game.

As I mentioned before there is a lot more to this man than what his words reveal, He is essentially " What Could Have Been". The Crestfallen Warrior was a man just like any one of us, but suddenly the responsibility of being a hero was thrust upon him. He probably fought, and he probably fought well, but something happened to him that made him just want to give up. Something horrific that completely shattered his will. This could be his "death", and the loss of his body. Whether or not he truly lost his body, or just forgot where it was is irrelevant. Imagine the trauma. Being forced to continue this mission that he probably didn't even want to do even after his body is lost. Being forced to fight for cause, as noble as it may be, even after you die. Bound to this fate like a slave, forever tolling away, hoping someday you can taste freedom, but he knew he would never taste freedom. Such a realization would break most will, and it did just that. He gave up, fell from grace, and became a shell of the man he once was. Then to add insult to injury, he is quickly replaced by the character. Of course this poor character is going to be rude an morose.

He also serves to motivate us. Motivate us to never give up and let doubt or anguish consume us. He shows us how important a little thing like hope can be.

He may be weary, but he won't take getting attacked lightly. He can take quite a few hits.

This downtrodden warrior of light served as a mentor, and an ally. Through out my journey I found comfort in speaking with the man I had replaced. Never did he show jealousy ( perhaps he was too caught up in his own emotional torment), and I always found myself eager to return to the Nexus to hear his next comment. Then it began. First he began to go on and on about his body, and how it was probably long gone. Then he began forget. Everything. I desperately searched for his body, but eventually I returned to find nothing but the soul of a storied soldier. He had killed himself to spare himself, and us, from the demon which would undoubtedly consume him. I grasped his soul and brought into the air, releasing him from his torment. Though I never knew his name, I called him friend.   read

6:39 AM on 10.14.2009

Beard de Pauvrete NVGR

A nice little song that inspires me

For those of you who don't know french, today's title translates to Beard of Poverty. You may be asking yourself, " Why such a melancholy title?". I find myself asking this too. It turns out there was more to the saga that is my beard. What was supposed to be story of victory has thus far ended in defeat. I haven't given up, though, I haven't given. Still I fight so that one day my whiskered brethren, and I can have equality. Still I fight for acceptance. Prepare to cry, because it's about to get all kinds of depressing up in here.

First picture I got when I searched hobo. Isn't that beard glorious?

As you know I have come to terms with my new beard repulsing the ladies, and ,now the my beard is growing past the "Hollywood" look, it has done that to a certain extent. However to my surprise I was confronted by a young lady who ran a sort of host club near the campus. For those of you who don't know, a host club is a common form of night time entertainment in the lands of the Far East, an idea just arriving to the shores of North America. Customers ( male or female) will come and ask for a host or hostess, respectively Once seated with their host they will go on a sort of pseudo date. The host or hostess provides charm, attention, and possibly affection. Anyways, the young lady had been working in this club going on for a couple years now, but failed to have any male hosts. Her boss, a bizarre old women, ordered her to find some men that would be interested. Thus, for a reason I'm still not sure of, she approached me with the job offer. The pay was meager, but 30% of any purchase made by the customer would go into my pay check as some sort of glorified tip. Although I was probably a last resort choice, I accepted. The next day I was to report to the club for a quick interview, and a brief run-down of my responsibilities.

Look at all those beautiful men... Strange how none have a beard, eh?

I was ecstatic. Someone had thought that I as worthy of a job dependent on looks even though I was sporting a soon-to-be glorious man-beard. That evening I put on my best shirt, and favorite pair of shiny shoes. I was looking like a star, with a beard mind you. I left for the club, with a hop in my step and a twinkle in my eye. As I swung open the doors I entered a place of wonderment. There were roughly 5-6 girls treating men who either weren't the best looking people, or suffered from severe social disorders to drinks, and making them feel loved. " This is perfect for me", I thought, " I get to make people happy". Anyways, I was called to the office for my interview. I was somewhat nervous at this point, but to my joy everything went smoothly. The owner found my up-beat attitude and love for most things refreshing. The job was mine. At least it should have been. As I was shown out the door I heard her make a quick comment to me. A comment that completely killed the buzz. I could still hear it ringing in my head.

" Make sure you shave before you come to work tomorrow"

That makes me feel better

Turns out I was beautiful, but my beard wasn't. Once again I was upstaged by this mysterious thing called beauty. I began to think about this idea of beauty, and wonder if it plagued all the bearded men in history. So I did some research, which took me to the classical period in Greece, where art began to pursue this idea of beauty. The paintings and sculptures created during antiquity were exemplified by the search of this " Ideal", which was most commonly portrayed through the kouros, to my dismay. The kouros are any and all statues of young men. These were meant to be the best of men, both physically and characteristically. One thing the all had in common; no beards. Of all the pictures I saw, not single on of the "ideal young men" had any sign of facial hair. I tried to rationalize, saying that maybe these men were too young to grow facial hair. That wasn't he case. These statues depicted men from the ages of 16-20, and unless you have an extra X chromosome, you're gonna be growing some fuzz.

I'm as sad as that kid

Turns out that I was wrong before. Beards were never beautiful. They never were considered "pretty". Within this cesspool of depression I did find a glimmer of hope, and that glimmer is what kept me from putting a blade to my chin and giving up. These same Greek artists who portrayed these "ideal" men as beardless, also portrayed their Gods with nice long beards! Gods the respected! Gods they loved! Gods they worshiped! Once again I came to terms with the fact that I wouldn't thought of as beautiful, but now I can look forward to the dignity and aura of respect that comes with my beard. To everyone growing a beard, don't give up! We may not be gorgeous, but God dammit we are MEN! ... Also we can look like some sort of Godly high level wizard now! Thuper Exciting!!!!

Mr.Chewie ~<3   read

6:09 PM on 10.13.2009

Toy Story 3 Trailer!


I am so excited for this movie! There's even a new song by Randy Newman! Got to love that man's passionate songs about friendship!

In any case, enjoy !   read

12:12 PM on 10.09.2009

Beard De Resistance NVGR

Those are my cats. They have no relevance to this, but they sure do catch the eye. NVGR

I'll start this off by asking you all a question. Do you remember a time when a man was allowed to be a man? Back in the good ol' days before most of us were born, a beard represented something. It showed that you were a man, it showed you were to be repsected, and , if flamboyant enough, it showed that you were powerful. Nowadays the glorious chin whiskers that meant so much are now frowned upon by most and repulse even more. With that, you may be asking why I mention the past glory of the man-beard. Well, sit down as I regale you with my tale.

At the beginning of this past summer I learned that I would be leaving the city of Houston for college in Canada. I've lived in Houston for 17 years, so this was bound to be a huge change. In order to commemorate this change, and as a physical manifestation of my passage into man hood, I decided that I would grow a beard. My mother, who is a avid supporter of my " pretty boy" look, was naturally against my new life style. " No, it will look horrible", she'd say, " You'll look like a beautiful homeless man". She tried and tried, but I persevered. I wasn't go to live in her world for fear. Shortly after that conversation I left home, and begun my trip up to Canada.

Fun Trip....

After my exceptionally uneventful trip, my young beardling was taking somewhat of a form. Granted it was nowhere near long enough, but I definitely had that " Movie Star" cropped beard look going on for me. So here I was, in Canada, looking like pretentious Hollywood wannabe, and in a brand new environment. My beardling made me distinguished, and was surprisingly turning a few heads. I was never good with the ladies, but the jolly feel of Canada and the freedom that came with facial hair gave me a sort of boost to charisma. I was making friends left and right, even getting a date with a decently attractive girl. The relationship ended rather quickly though. On our first "date", if you could call it that, I brought up the fact that I was growing a full beard. She didn't take to kindly to it. She said that I looked much better with it shorter. I ended it.

What an a-hole......

So at this I had lost the support of my mother and , as expected, was doomed to live a life sans female. However, my will was strong. Soon I discovered a new friend in my Biology Lab Partner. We'll call him Thomas for reference sake. Anyways Thomas is a first year student who is originally from Ohio. Thus we had the grace of being raised in America in common. What made Thomas special was that he sported a rather fetching beard, and was still growing it. Furthermore, he revealed that he had a special lady friend back in Ohio who actually requested he grow the beard. Just then, when my hopes of a bearded society were dim, I felt the warm light of hope overtook me. He was truly a free man. His family couldn't care less about his beard ( My mom is probably just insane), AND he had a significant relationship with a girl. No, not a girl. A woman! My epiphany led me to only one conclusion. The beard disappeared from our lives because of girls. Girls and their need to have gorgeous well groomed men. So I have a message to all the girls out there with boyfriends, boy toys, or significant guy buddies, and that message is this: Stop being girls, and start being women. I used to fit into your tight pant, almost girl arch type, but no more. I have chosen that . As a women you'll realize that your man having a beard is more than an excuse to not buy razors. It means that he is free! It means that he demands respect! And above all else; It means that he his truly worthy of the title Man. Also, He can look like a really High level Wizard!!!!!!!!!

<3~ Mr. Chewie   read

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