If ever I could define a videogame with a sad puppy face, I'd do it for Golden Axe III. I don't know how many of you actually had a subscription to the Sega Channel download service. I know I didn't, and I was completely unaware that a third Golden Axe even came out until after Sega Channel died. Lo and behold, it pops up on Virtual Console, and I figure - hey - I can review this. Golden Axe ain't that great, but it's mindless fun. Right?

...right?

Apparently, Frank (Provo) didn't like Golden Axe II (if you are still boycotting CNET sites, don't click that). It had no charm. No personality. It was exactly the same otherwise, but since charm, personality, nostalgia - whatever you want to call it - usually serves to cover up aging gameplay, Frank deemed Golden Axe II mediocre (FIVE POINT OH).

Golden Axe III is ... well. If you play it, you'll find that they threw all kinds of new moves and tricks into the gameplay. So it's gotta at least be better than Golden Axe II, right? Well, what the hell good do new moves and stuff do if you shove it into completely stiff controls? I don't know how many of you remember how smooth the original Golden Axe felt, but as far as I recall, it was pretty smooth. Your guys moved at a brisk rate, the animation was solid enough for you to know that you swung that fat axe and hit someone in the gut. It was a little floaty, sure, but it worked for the time and it's still "okay" today, I guess. Golden Axe III took away all of that crap and replaced it with herky-jerky animation that looks like it all was pasted together by a seven year-old. The combat has been completely changed from a smooth, if overly simple, slicing and dicing affair to some chunky "Oh look, watch this same stiff-looking combo over and over again!" mess.

And you know how easy it is to throw someone in other games? In Double Dragon, all you need to do is to make them double over and you can grab them. It's clear to see. In Final Fight, just walk up to them. In Golden Axe it was just a canned animation, but here - even though it lets you determine when to throw an enemy - it might as well be canned too. That stuff happens so uber-randomly that you don't ever know if you're doing it correctly.

Oh, and remember how awesome it was to realize you were battling on the back of a ginormous hawk flying through the air? Remember how creepy it was to realize that skeletons were erupting from said back? What about the humongoid knights and dudes with the big stone hammers that stood there with their arms crossed and laughed at you? And - oh - Death Adder was actually a bunch of nasty, slimy snakes that slithered into a suit of armor?

Remember that??? Huh?? Huh?

...and then what do we get in Golden Axe III? Oh. We fight atop a giant (enemy) crab that's colored with some weird gray green goopy color. I know it's a crab because I can see the pincers in the background, but it took me a long while to realize it. In contrast, in the first Golden Axe, you saw the turtle's head and its eyes poking around. Same for the hawk. The realization hit you like a ton of bricklayers each carrying a bag of bricks. Holy crap - look at its eyes. This time? Oh. Pincers. And they aren't even pincing at anything. It's dead. The entire game just feels so lifeless from the backgrounds. The enemy bosses? There's none of that hubris, that menacing laughter. Even though it was a simple two-frame animation in Golden Axe, it conveyed such arrogance. Here, what do you get?



How about, "Ha, ha, ha, you are very good, but you will have to do better than that the next time we will fight against each other."

Or maybe, "Oh, very good old chap, if I do say so myself! But you shan't advance any further the next time our illustrious paths should cross, you see?"

Or better yet: "You have got a lot to learn before you beat me, try again kiddo."

Golden Axe lost its charm with Golden Axe II. Now, it's lost its soul. Pour out a little liquor for our fallen homey.