Lets face it, sex sells, this blog entry will probably get more views just for having the word 'sex' in its topic which proves my point...the world is driven by sex, and you are most likely included in that world full of sheep and if you aren't that means one of either three things.

1: You are a virgin, and if that's because you want to be, then good for you. But if its because you just can't get any, fap instead. It will be weird and desperate, but if you are a virgin not from choice then you would be used to that.

2: You are strait edge...and I can understand that you don't want to follow the crowd and all that shit...but you won't have sex with your girlfriend? What kind of statement are you trying to make?...Jesus.

3: You can't use your Cho or Vajoo for an undisclosed reason...and if so, I want to know why.

Either way, I recommend you go out and enjoy an orgasm. In the brief moment where you blow chunks, you have absolutely nothing on your mind. Which is great considering most of the things you think about are retarded. Today I will be going through the necessary musical tracks you WILL require, as a gamer, to get laid. Guaranteed!

If you don't agree with my selection of song, please feel free to add in your own suggestions so we can all see how much of a deviant you are.


8 - : Austrian Death Machine - Get to the Choppa
Now while most people would object to putting on this classic tune while engaged in erotic intercourse, I tend to disagree...for a few reasons. Firstly, every girl has had a thing for Arnold and this song will marinate them in anticipation. Secondly, it has a very fast paced beat so that the thrashing of a life time is in order, and while most partners like to suggest that foreplay is a brilliant way to start, inform them there is no such thing in the world of Schwarzenegger.





7 - : Greese , The Musical Soundtrack - We Go Together
The lyrics say it all but the real passion is in the way this song is performed. Such enthusiasm and charismatic performances from the whole crew including John Travolta (who began his acting career as a porn star). This track also has the added advantage of taking your partner back to their Highschool fuck around days which will ensure you get to enjoy a school uniform, no contraception and some bubblegum blowing during sex. Epic.





6 - : Tenacious D - Fuck her Gently
So most people would say this song is educational and not something you should have in the background when performing prac-work in sex ed. I tend to disagree for a number of reasons but the main one is because you will never forget how to do this in this order IF you have it going on repeat. So take Jack Black's advice on this one, he tells it better than I ever could.





5 - : The Care Bears - Intro
Since it was so hard to find an embeddable version of the original, I figured this would suffice. It has a bit more groove and is very short in length for all your premature shooters out there. Another reason why your partner would love this is because it will take them back to their childhood days of putting Barbie and Ken in sex positions even though they had no idea what sex was. Doctors and Nurses anyone?





4 - : Flynn the Amazing Asian - Push Up
I can't quite put my finger on it, but there is something arousing about this dude. If every man was like this guy, we would not need pick up lines or players because we would just not care about rejection. Which in the long run would equal more self confident men who can deliver in bed. All hail Flynn! The Sex God!





3 - : Mike Patton - Moonchild Solo
Forget love potions and lubricants, you want wetness and arousal? All you need is Mike Patton ranting a whole heap of different orgasm sounds his past shags have delivered (Well, that's my opinion). If your partner does not want to have sex after listening to this..put them in a potato sack, beat them with a stick and throw it into a river (dam or ocean will also suffice).





2 - : The Teletubbies - EhOhhh
Aside from the fact that these guys are the creation of Adolf Hitler and George Bush scissoring. We don't care if you are a faithful Christian mother having sex with your one and only married partner for the millionth time...you must use this song to marinate. Lap dance, foreplay, sex, pissing on each other...who gives a shit, just play it and do whatever tickles your fancy. Gets a little heavy for some peoples taste...but eh, deal with it.





1 - : Cannibal Corpse - Hammer Smashed Face
Fuck Barry White, that guy is rotting in the ground somewhere. So what you need is people who would have sex with his corpse to make the ultimate song of seductive fornication. Enter the Corpse! And with other titles as: Necropedophile, Orgasm Through Torture and Meat Hook Sodomy. You wont have to look far for the next time you want to woo a person of the opposite sex from the lounge room to the bedroom. A Sexual Classic Smorgasbord for all.




Order one now and get a Princess Peach Blow Up Doll. Go get to work. Extra points if you can game while engaged in some kind of intercourse.

P.S - Post some questions on my podcast for fuck sake! We record our latest episode tonight. The boys and I will answer every question no matter how retarded or intellectual it is.

While writing for a local street press magazine last year, I had the chance to interview quite a few artists and review quite a few albums, films and games. So instead of just writing up about gaming, I figured there may be some other metal admirers out there who would like some different news, interviews and reviews from time to time.

I had the pleasure of speaking with Unearth drummer Derek Kerswell, for those of you who are not familiar with Unearth, check this out:


Unearth - Sanctity of Brothers

Unearth are a metal band who emerged from Boston, USA. They have gone through the hard yards and some line up changes but have made a name for themselves, even in Australia (which is no easy task). They recently came through for the Soundwave tour with acts such as NINE INCH NAILS, ALICE IN CHAINS, BLOODHOUND GANG, SCARS ON BROADWAY, LAMB OF GOD, ALKALINE TRIO, IN FLAMES, EVERY TIME I DIE, DEVILDRIVER, FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND, LESS THAN JAKE, POISON THE WELL, NEW FOUND GLORY, LACUNA COIL, 36 CRAZYFISTS, EVERGREEN TERRACE and HORSE THE BAND.


Cutting sick with a full face of raging red hair!

Moses Time: 10 AM, Melbourne, Australia
Derek Time: 4:40 PM, Boston, USA

Derek, how you doing mate?
Moses...as in parting the read sea Moses?(Laughs)

(Laugh) I already like where this interview is going mate!
(Laughs a lot)

How you been?
I’ve been great man, the tour is going off and we are only 2 and half weeks in. New record came out yesterday…its like electric what’s going on right now.

Had a good listen to the new one, very intense, liked it a lot.
Thank you man, thank you so much. I really proud of it and so are the rest of the guys. It’s a really awesome time for the band right now and we are talking about a band that is 10 years into their career. I mean, I’m obviously fresh blood but I’ve been around for a while and I’ve known em for a long time, and this is the most excited we have ever been in a LONG time.

Being fresh blood, as you said you were, did you have much of an input in terms of the writing process for the new album?
Yeah, it’s very evident that the sound has changed a little from the last record. I love music as a whole, I love playing guitar and playing bass but I have always been a drummer and I always will be a drummer man. With that being said, I was able to contribute to different areas of the album, and the only thing I wanted was to help write the best songs possible.

Was there anything in particular that helped you do that along the way?
Funny you ask that because what I did was I wrote the letters W.W.V.D on each of my drums, which stands for ‘What would Vinnie Do?’


The sound that never gets old...

So you’re inspired by the classics man? Pantera…I love it.
Dude…I don’t care what anybody says and I’m sure you wont disagree, but we are at a time in Metal where we cannot get any heavier, its impossible to get heavier than all those Death bands out there right? I’m sorry man, but they may want to be heavy by trying to get the deepest, darkest sound…but none of them even come close to Pantera.

I dunno man, I went to catch Meshuggah last night and they were fucking off tap.
Yeah, but its still draining to listen to sometimes, if you know what I mean. I love Meshuggah, they are masters of their craft…but, the average metal listener and for me in general, I listen to 3 to 5 tunes of theirs and I tend to want to listen to something else. But, I could listen to Pantera for hours on end.

Let’s go back to applying yourself into the new record.
Not a problem, well…In my head I had a little bit of a selfish approach at the start, where I wanted to write the album that I would want to hear them write. But in the end it worked out well because that was the mind set of everybody in the band so we ended up meshing that together and created a much better product. And we put this album together quickly man, I did all my drumming in 5 days because we knew what we wanted as soon as we hit the studio because of what we planned before hand.

Were the other members of the band accepting and accommodating?
I have known the band for quite some time and I have built up a reputation through working with other bands of being very easy to work with and easy going, while still wanting to get the best results that I can. Having said that, I tend to stray away from egotism in terms of input, so I just throw out ideas and if they like them, we try them out and see if they fit. It was different when I first came into the picture because I still had a few other projects on at the time so it made it hard for me to commit. But once I committed myself to it all, it all came together a lot easier and we had a lot of fun.


Tough little sons of bitches with a tough sound

Tell us about how you came to fill in for the bands loss
Once I came in, the band seemed to be so happy. They even told me on a few occasions that they feel like a band again and it feels a lot more natural and there is no separation. I just think there was some internal conflicts with Mike and it caused him and the guys to separate a little bit. Which is a sad thing, watching a band separate, but I came in when they asked me to and attempted to glue the band back which wasn’t as hard as people would expect because we have been friends for a long time now.

So the transition was smooth then?
It was ridiculously smooth. You know, I spoke to the band. And I discussed it with my wife and she just told me to do what I think is right and do what I need to do and I did.

I’m looking over your resume at the moment, and it seems you have been a busy man in the past with a few bands which include:

* Unearth - "The March" (2008)
* Kingdom of Sorrow - "Kingdom of Sorrow" (2008)
* Unearth - "Alive From The Apocolypse" DVD (2008)
* Seemless - "What Have We Become" (2006)
* Icepick - "Violent Epiphany" (2006)
* Seemless - "Seemless" (2005)
* Stryper - "Reborn" (2005)
* Robby Roadsteamer - "Okay Computer" (2004)
* New Idea Society - "You Are Awake Or Asleep" (2004)
* Twelfth Of Never - "Things That Were" (2003)
* Shadows Fall - "Fear Will Drag You Down" (2002)
* Medium - "Terra Firma" (2002)
* The Rise Park - "The Rise Park" (2001)
* Long Distance Runner - "s/t" (1999)
* Scattered Remnants - "Destined To Fail" (1997)

Are you still working on any of these or is it just Unearth for now?
Seemless is like my baby which includes myself and the ex-vocalist of Killswitch Engage Jesse Leach. We are like a blues rock band, its like the polar opposite to what Unearth is. I’m still working with Seemless and Kindom of Sorrow. But at the moment Unearth is a priority to me because I have joined them and I have commitments to them now we have done the new album. But having said that, the same goes for the other projects I am involved in. I’ll just need to even myself out I guess.

So you and the Unearth boys have built something solid here, besides the album?
Oh yeah man, its seems to me like we are family, they have become like brothers to me. Which is more than what I ever thought possible.

That is great, but how are the guys from Kindom of Sorrow taking all this? Are they accepting or are they a bit taken back by it all?
The thing with Kindom of Sorrow is, that it consists of three members of three bigger bands, you know you have Kirk Windstein from Down, Jamey Jasta of Hatebreed and myself from Unearth. And because they have bigger priorities within their other bands as well, it all plays out smoothly.

(Laughs) Far out man, you are like the Mike Patton of drummers.
I love Mike Patton, he is a legend.


I masturbate over this man from time to time...does that make me gay?

So do I mate!
He is so diverse, and that’s one thing I learnt from him. I love all kinds of music. I love listening to blues, 1930’s and 40’s tunes, power metal…fuck man, even Bjork. You can’t limit yourself man, because the moment you start limiting yourself, it limits what you can achieve. Another thing with Patton is that he always seems to try and progress further, whether it be style or popularity, he has always raised the bar. And that’s what I try to do with any of my projects, I try to progress and in saying that I believe this is the best record I have being able to contribute to. And it feels great!

Fantastic man, seems like you are progressing with your traveling too, with coming to the Australian shores to do The Soundwave Festival 09, for which the line up is killer.
Its going to be my first time there and dude, when I was in my early 20’s I remember saying to other people the 3 places I want to travel to and check out are Iceland, Alaska, but more than any other place…Australia. And the main reason being is because I have heard by many people than Australia has such great people to converse and chill out with, and I can’t wait to experience that.

Well we cant wait to have you guys down, Soundwave looks like its going to dominate the summer festivals. Before I go, what advice can you give to people wanting to get to where you are now?
Just do what you love and never give in guys, no matter how far you get, as long as you are doing what you WANT to do…you’ll be happy.

Thanks for your time Derek
Take it easy brother

Under the current place you would receive in society from disagreeing with the subject matter at hand, I am going to be extremely broad with my views on this topic so that every-fucken-body will be somewhat satisfied with my findings and not start a retarded comment war. It is however a touchy subject, so let the chips fall where they may I guess.

What I mean is that I don't condone the use to illegal substances, In fact I don't approve of it to anybody at all . I would actually strictly encourage you to burn down any weed farms you come across in you life!

Because I don't want anybody else to feel like I do right now, it's so terrible you laugh until you cry!

*pissed off, stiff upper lip look (As show below)*



...yeah, that's right!

P.S - Fuck, I love you bastards! Every one of you Destructoidian's. This place is a fucken God send of gaming greatness with a whole heap of unreal pricks that I relate to on more than just the Video Game front!

Keep it up Dtoid, you are as great as God's Vagina! Which is awesome!

One thing man has proven in the time he has been the dominant species of the planet is that he loves to kill shit. Whether it be one of his own or of a different species, putting something to bed for good has always been something man feels empowered over...unless of course he is a hippy. Then it is just sex, drugs and rock n roll, which are all excellent to take part in also. We are on to our 5th Weapon of Choice now, and I am starting to run low on ideas. So feel free to add yours to the mix. Before I continue I would just like to do a quick shout out to SilverDragon1979, for this inspiring piece.

With that all out of the way, let's recap shall we?

Volume 1 Recap:

* Sniper Rifles - Various Titles
* Flame Throwers - Various Titles
* The Cerebral Bore - Turok 2
* The Gravity Gun - Half Life 2
* The Fat Man - Fallout 3
* The Entire Ninja 2 Gaiden Arsenal
* The Hand of God - Rise of the Triads
* The Lancer - Gears of War (2)

Volume 2 Recap:

* The BFG 9000 - Doom Series
* Blades of Chaos - God of War Trilogy
* Remote & Proximity Mines - Goldeneye 007
* The Tek Bow - Turok Series
* The Combat Knife - Various Titles
* The Plasma Grenade - Halo Trilogy
* The Shrink Ray - Duke Nukem 3D
* The Chainsaw - Doom Series

Volume 3 Recap:

* The Translocator Gun - Unreal Tournament Series
* The Plastic Bag - Manhunt
* Nevan - Devil May Cry 3
* The BLUE Shell - Mario Kart Series
* Altair's Blade - Assassin’s Creed
* The BattleMech - Mechwarrior Series
* The Shotgun - Various Titles
* The Sentry Turret - Team Fortress 2

Volume 4 Recap:

* The Darkness - The Darkness
* The Hadoken - Streetfighter Series
* Tina - Dead or Alive Series
* "Would you Kindly" - Bioshock
* The Megabuster - Megaman Series
* The Mini-Gun - Various Titles
* Bowser's Flying Amater - Mario 3
* Jerate - Team Fortress 2

As in the previous two articles, we will be taking a look at the most inventive and colorful ways, to end a life in a video game. From 1 to 5, this is the criteria for which the arsenal shall be judged:

1) Originality - Has it been done before and can we get it on the black market?
2) Fun Factor - Is it fun to watch the life be taken in the fashion to which it is taken?
3) Gore Gauge - Will we need maxi-pads for the clean up?
4) Ease of use - Speaks for itself

Of course I have not played every single video game the world has had to offer, so if you can contribute to the topic in any way, please feel free to do so. Today we will start with what people suggested in the previous installments.


The Crowbar - Various Titles
As suggested by Seigfreid

I say various titles, but when we think Crowbar, we think Gordon Freeman...we think, Half life. In terms of emersion, this weapon placed us into the Half Life universe quicker than Wile E Coyote would fuck up trying to capture the Road Runner. One minute we were a scientist on his way to work, the next we have one of these babies in our hands and are looking for a way out while head crabbed co-workers tried to rip our faces off.


I feel so cheated when I watch this...BLEND THE CROWBAR!l

Of course there are a few games which implement the crowbar into the use of combat and problem solving such as, The Warriors and Silent Hill Homecoming but none of them match up to the epic use of the Crowbar within its predecessor. The thuds made as it hits chunks of flesh from your enemy, the broken wood it chips off as you pummel a boarded up door...You are the conductor with this thing, write your fucking masterpiece.

1) Originality - 4 - Melee objects aren't uncommon in gaming, but its a crowbar
2) Fun Factor - 3 - It was always fun to see how far you could get with just this
3) Gore Gauge - 4 - Its a fucking crowbar, imagine copping one to the head
4) Ease of use - 5 - You swing it at close range...simple


The Tommy Gun - Various Titles

While not in many modernized titles, this weapon has caused some blood splattering trouble in the past. It is only natural that we think of early 90's Chicago, Long overcoats, Hats and Prohibition but the truth is this weapon was the greatest automatic weapon up until the Russians created the AK-47 which was inspired by, yep...The Tommy Gun.


This is definitely not a good way to go out

What I always loved about using a Tommy Gun in gaming was the enemy would usually not collapse until you have finished loading him with bullets, and because the Tommy Gun has such a large clip capacity, the victim would usually do a little bullet ridden dance while the oppressor would just hold down the trigger with a grin. Always good for a laugh. Tommy Gun Highlights: Godfather, Mafia and Bioshock.

1) Originality - 2 - It's a automatic machine gun, there's plenty around
2) Fun Factor - 3 - Watching a victim perform the bullet dance is really something
3) Gore Gauge - 1 - After being shot by this a body looks like Swiss cheese
4) Ease of use - 4 - Aim and fire, although it does tend to have a lot of recoil


The Nail-Gun - Various Titles
As suggested by Quantum Zombie

As a kid, I always used to grab my fathers nail gun and shoot it at stuff. Sure it was stupid, but damn it was fun. Game developers such as ID Software seem to always know what the little kid inside us always wanted, and threw it into a game for us to rape and pillage. The nail gun is a weapon that has gotten better with age, for with age, comes advancement.


I love these death simulators. NAILED!

Gone are the days where you would fire an automatic flow of nails into an enemy and wonder if it was any different than loading them with bullets, because now you can see, when you nail something, it sticks to the fucking walls...and that is awesome. Quite a few games have tried to pull it off but only some have been able to perfect it. And when it is perfected, it is unreal. Nail-Gun Highlights: F.E.A.R 2, Half Life 2 (Cross Bow), Team Fortress 2 (Syringe Gun) and The Quake Series.

1) Originality - 4 - Turning a Nail-gun into a weapon from a tool was ingenious
2) Fun Factor - 5 - Sticking people to walls in funny positions is hilarious
3) Gore Gauge - 4 - Nails impale a victim only to stick them to a wall...that's full on
4) Ease of use - 3 - Works just like any other automatic weapon


The Land Shark Gun - Armed & Dangerous
As suggested by Tdiddy9182

Damn, this game was hilarious. Many games these days don't incorporate original ideas anymore because they just take what good formula worked for others and rip it off so it works for them. A game like this is a breath of fresh air because it brings something new to the table. An eccentric story, hilarious dialouge, interesting characters...and top notch weaponry including the Land Shark Gun, which fires into the ground a rapidly-maturing infant Land Shark, a creature that 'swims' through the earth, seeking out and devouring enemies.


It's mother fucking SHARK WEEK!

Remember watching Jaws as a kid? I bet you didn't go to the beach for a month after watching that and its not because you are a little bitch, its because sharks are fucked. They can smell blood, underwater, from a mile away. Did you understand me? THEY CAN SMELL BLOOD...UNDERWATER...FROM A MILE AWAY! I can't even smell water, under water! When it comes to man VS shark...we don't stand a chance.

1) Originality - 5 - A gun that shoots Sharks out of it?
2) Fun Factor - 5 - It shoots Sharks...out of a Gun
3) Gore Gauge - 5 - It's a Shark...From a Gun
4) Ease of use - 5 - You aim it at the ground...AND A SHARK COMES OUT!


The Bionic Arm - Bionic Commando Series
As suggested by TheCleaningGuy

Originally brought out on the NES. Nintendo never like to give up on their old school characters. But instead of exclusively holding onto Bionic Commando for themselves, they have dispersed him to every platform that could give a shit. Which is every platform. The reason for this, and its the only reason, is because of this Bionic Arm.


The ultimate bionic arm...this movie is made of win.

Anything that has flesh AND machine parts is awesome. In fact I remember my first cyborg video gaming experience as a child. Playing a game called Bioforge, which put you in the shoes of a cyborg creation trying to escape a futuristic prison on another planet...fuck, that was a good game. AND THEY NEVER MADE A SEQUEL! *ahem* I have gone off topic haven't I? Oh yes, biotic arm. The greatest tool that can be used to swing yourself places, launch yourself into enemies, launch projectiles into enemies and so on. It is a pretty cool idea that has been well executed.

1) Originality - 4 - The robotic arm was an original concept back on the NES
2) Fun Factor - 4 - Multi-tasking weapons are always fun to use
3) Gore Gauge - 3 - It grabs, rips, launches and whips
4) Ease of use - 1 - Needs much practice to master


The Lightsaber - Star Wars Titles (and No More Hero's)

You were a kid and you first watched a Lightsaber battle take place, it was the first time you got an erection, wasn't it? Well, that's because Lightsaber's are the sexiest melee weapon to watch clash. Not only do they look amazing but the sound they make...Vwoooommmm, Cshhhh, Woooww...yeah, that's sexy.


Some of these fan made videos are better than the film duels

Let's be honest with ourselves here, the main reason any of the more recently released Star Wars prequels were any good was because of the Lightsaber duels. There was no emotion, no message behind it all and NO HAN SOLO! Instead the more recent generation got Jar Jar Binks. I just wish somebody took one of these things to his head and made Episode 1 a hell of a lot better to watch.

1) Originality - 5 - A glowing sword made out of energy, pretty original
2) Fun Factor - 3 - Now that we have the Wii, we can live it.
3) Gore Gauge - 3 - Burns through a victim like a giant laser
4) Ease of use - 2 - Not the easiest people to use, but effective


The Big 'Fuck off' Sword - Various Titles (Mostly JRPG's)
As suggested by TheCleaning Guy

Key elements for a Japanese Role Playing Game go as follows: Big Hair - Check, Big Eyes - Check, Big World - Check, Big amount of linearity - Check, Big Tits - Check, Big Video Sequences - Check, Big Story - Check, Big Boss Fights - Check...and BIG FUCK OFF SWORD - Check!


This guy scares the fuck out of me!

The idea of a sword larger than the person welding it is pretty cool. It pretty much sets in stone that we are in no way being involved in a game that is trying to reflect realism and instead is faced on fantasy. However it is not just JRPG's that incorporate these massive swords into them. Silent Hill's epic Pyramid Head makes sure he doesn't leave the house without his massive death blade, and either does Dante of Devil May Cry. I may be leaving a few out here, so feel free to let me know. But long story short, big swords are awesome.

1) Originality - 5 - It's a flying pirate ship...need I say more?
2) Fun Factor - 4 - It was a pain in the arse, but god damn fun
3) Gore Gauge - 2 - No blood and guts, but lots of death
4) Ease of use - 5 - We don't use it, but the console has no problem with it


Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device - Portal

While not so much a weapon and more or a tool, it can be used for a great many things. Teleportation is just the start of it and you would know if you have played through the game. If you haven't...fuck off.


This really is one of those vid's that gets funnier with each view

The first time I used the 'Portal Gun' it nearly caved my head in. Being able to see yourself falling through a hole you created, launching yourself across the room using the momentum you build from falling, getting motion sensors to attack themselves...and the lovely companion cube to which I still request a rule 34 on. Bring on using the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device in the real world and not in test chambers...I can't wait.

1) Originality - 3 - Unreal Tournament covered something like this, but not as creative
2) Fun Factor - 5 - The fun literally never stops with this thing
3) Gore Gauge - 0 - It can be used AS a weapon but is not a weapon
4) Ease of use - 3 - A slight learning curve is required to use it properlly

It's funny, whenever I would go to the local shopping plaza (Australian version of The Mall) and walk past the EB Games store (Australian version of GameStop) I would always make it a habit of going in there to check it out. And it wasn't called a gaming shop to my friends and I, no, we actually called it church. "Care to have a religious experience?", my friend would ask. To which I would have already answered by my legs walking the rest of my body towards the chapel in question.

However, the older I seem to get and the more involved in gaming I become, the more politics seem to get intertwined in the fun of it all and I confuse myself as to what it is I enjoy and what it is I don't. A collective of gamers can have a strong effect on the original opinions of one self, so much so, that a persons opinion can completely change altogether. The same applies to life I guess.

Being a gamer for close to 20 years now, I began to realize at a young age that this form of entertainment is something that will stop me from getting done what needs to be done. Schooling, Social life, Family...all things that I was happy to keep in my peripheral vision while I was more focused on the television screen. It soon became apparent that my fingers worked on the controller like my lungs worked to keep me alive. Was it a waste of time? Could I have done more productive things with my life? Would I be a different person now if I chose to do something else with my time? Sure. But if this is where I am now and that is what I did then, its pretty obvious that I loved doing it and I still do.

I have gone through countless jobs; some great but most just out of necessity. Whether I was fired or quit, I was usually more happy to leave and get no money than to stay there doing something I would clench my fists thinking about the time I would waste doing it. Time was always something I considered to be more valuable than money itself and even if I was doing nothing with that time, it would be better than doing something I couldn't stand doing, even if I was being paid to do it. To me, it always seemed like I was getting paid to be depressed so that others could be happy. Fuck that.



So here I am now, at EB Games (GameStop).

Sure, the hours are not as full as what I would like. The musical loop they have playing in the store with the voice over guy promoting the latest sales drives me insane. Most of the staff have no fucken idea about gaming whatsoever. And most customers are casual gamers that come to the counter asking for a Wii Fit or a DS lite. But I can tell you this...I am happier now than I have ever been. I have met the Masterchief in person, have access to promo and marketing gear for big titles (Just scored door sided Assassins Creed 2 and Halo ODST Posters) and am currently working on advertising footage for Starcraft II and Modern Warfare 2 for the store.

Don't get me wrong, I would rather invest my time in something better than game sales, but I am working towards that with Journalism and hopefully one day I can live the dream. Jim Sterling style. But until then its GameStop and even though it may be considered the enemy by some, I'd rather be there than any of the 50 odd jobs I've had in the past and if you don't agree with me, then feel free to suck 72 cocks in hell. Because I don't give a shit.


Video Unrelated

Oh yes people, forget everything you know about video game film adaptions because I came across a cataclysmic discovery on my lengthened trip to LA. Being a person of, lets say...original persona, I am not the kind of person that finds walking around of Hollywood Boulevard and taking photos of the pavement very stimulating, and as such I decided to set out and do the things I could only experience there such as; checking out the two dimensional everyday life of the collective who choose to call that location home by overdosing in a night club, defecating on the move while rollerblading down Venice Beach wearing nothing on the exception of some short shorts and a sidewards baseball cap, punching Arnold Schwarzenegger in the face for disproving the long time belief that steroids bring forth small cocks (He is hung like a fucking donkey) and last but not least breaking into Warner Bros. Studios and raiding their archives to find the upcoming projects that are in the works.

I managed to pull a Sam Fisher and hide in the darkness about 2 feet away from security while I cracked a safe, scanned the documents and left without leaving behind a shred of evidence. Check out the what is set to be either the biggest load of shit, or possibly the most awesome creation to hit the big screens in the near future.

VIDEO GAME - The Movie (Abridged Script)
By M. Night Shyamalan, Joe Eszterhas, Akiva Goldsman, Darryl Quarles & Hideo Kojima

This abridged script is the confidential and proprietary property of Universal Studios and no portion of it may be performed, distributed, reproduced, used, quoted or published without prior written permission.

WARNER BROS. PICTURES INC.
4000 Warner Boulevard
Burbank, California 91522



Fade up on:
Int. High Class Strip Club - Early Morning
A body is slumped on the podium table, still seated.

Mario enters from the owners room out the back.

Mario, [Hard Italian accent which plays on his words], (Looking extremely aggrovated)
Whata the fuck justa happened here?!

Luigi enters through the front door

Luigi, [Hard Italian accent which plays on his words], (Very worried)
Security tolda me that dis man came in, sat at the table, started to calla all tha girls we had dancing from ze Dead or Alive tournament, sluts that hava aids...so they beata tha shit outa him ...now he dead.

Mario,
I hava no time to deal with this petty shit...I am trying to runa drug racket outa the back here, get somebody to clean up this mess before we get rightfully fucked uppa tha arse.

Luigi claps his hands.



Sonic the Hedgehog comes storming in, nostrils flared and red from snorting copulas amounts of blow, he places himself next to Luigi as Mario walks back into the owners room.

Luigi,
Clean upa the mess and you have more cocaine yes?

Sonic, hanging his head in addicted shame walks to the body. As he lifts the body off the table top he catches a glimpse of who it is and lets go in shock. The unidentified muscly man slams back onto the table top, face first. A pair of black sunglasses that were resting on the table smash under the force of his face.

Sonic, looks up at Luigi, still in shock.

Sonic,
Do you know who this is?!

Luigi,
Does it matter?!

Sonic, [Elevating his voice in distress], (starting to panic)
The 3D Realms Crew caved in not too long ago yeah?! This was their main man!



Mario, [walks out from the owners room again]
Who gives a fuck eh? You saida yourself that his crew isa dead!

Sonic,
That's not the point, he was extremely popular

Mario, [Stares blankly at Sonic]
So?

Sonic,
It means that their are going to be other crews that will be looking to sign him up, things could get ugly

Mario, [Laughs]
Let them come, they cannot beata me, I ama numba one in gaming...I ama Nintendo!

Sonic, [Imitating Mario]
You are a number one Italian fathead who willa get his heada caved in!

Luigi, [Slaps Sonic in the back of the head]
Watcha yourself, remember we owna you now!



Sonic, [Getting aggravated]
Like I could forget! You are milking the fucken blood out of me! Sonic and the Black Knight? What the fuck are you doing to me!? Do you know who the Black Knight is...its Lexinton Steel, the black porn star with a 12" fat cock! Is this what you want for me!?

The front door slams open and a cold wind comes flying in and stops everybody...Footsteps are then heard in the distant darkness, a silhouette in front of the full moon is a approaching the door, he comes into the light...it is...Solid Snake.

Mario, [Looking snake up and down]
Who the fucka you suppose to be? And how tha fuck did you geta in? I hada Bowser watching tha door.

Cut to Int.
Princess Peach's bedroom upstairs.

Peach is copping it hard (having intense sexual intercourse in the doggey-style position for all you virgins out there) from behind, from none other than Bowser himself.

Peach, [In between moans and groans]
I still can't believe that fat idiot hasn't figured out that I haven't been kidnapped at all! We have to stop before he finds out!

Bowser, [Smacking her ass]
But you know uh...I can eat a Peach for hours!



At that moment Nicolas Cage walks in to the bedroom

Nic Cage,
So can I!

Bowser, [Amazed at how Nic Cage just pops up everywhere now]
Good ol' Peach doesn't mind being put on the spit roast, honor me and join us Mr.Cage

Nic Cage, [Looking intense and serious]
Sure...why not?

Cut to Int.
High Class Strip Club

Mario,
So who are you again?

Snake, [Looks into the distance, past Mario, as if looking at a beautiful sunset]
I am an enigma wrapped in a riddle, a shell of what a man once was...I have been sent from the dimension Sony to collect the remains of this man they call Duke Nukem so they can hopefully restore him to what he once was...the same way they did for me.



Sonic, [Staring at the massive structure of Snake]
That's nice, can you excuse me for one second.
[Turns to Mario and Luigi, whispering]
Listen, I have heard about this guy and he is fucking crazy, if you don't do what he says then I am leaving and fast.

Mario, [Ignoring Sonic, talking up to Snake]
Well, I donta really give a shit who you are! Thisa man died in my bar, and whata is mine is Nintendo's. Sony can keep its shit lika you! Now geta the fuck out before we enda you!

Sonic, [Making for the door]
Well...that's it for me, ta ta.
[Sonic runs at full speed through the door and into the distance]

Luigi, Shaking his fist
Geta back here! We stilla gonna get you to be ina 'Sonic VS Spiro' for da Wii!

Snake, [Still looking into the distance]
It would be in your best interest to do as I request, for once set on a mission I will never stop, not even at the cost of my innocence will I stop! I have battled myself time and time again in the past, and although you may think that I am talking about fighting off my inner demons...I am in fact...talking about fighting the very same person as me, in the flesh of another human, by the name of...
[Snake looks up at the sky and shakes his fists]
LIQUIIIIIDDDDDDDD!!!



Cut to Ext.
Road in the distance.

Sonic, running at full speed hears the echo of Snake screaming. Begins to run faster

Cut to Int.
High Class Strip Club

Snake is still talking, Mario and Luigi are now sitting down on chairs looking extremely board.

Snake,
Without me, time would stand still, without my past, time would not be, without my future, time would end. My battles have proven that not everything is what is seems, in fact my battles have proven that everything is the complete opposite of what it seems...never assume anything is certain. In fact the only thing that was ever certain is that Meryl had a great butt.

Mario,
Wait...What?

Luigi,
Well at leasta we now knowa that he isn't a fag

Outside, a progressive loud hovering noise can be heard approaching, it stops just overhead. A figure comes smashing through the roof and lands on Luigi...killing him. The debris and dust eventually clear and as the figure comes into focus a choir of people just outside the door start to sing a very familiar operatic tune...It is...The Master Chief.



Mario, [Losing his shit from his brother being crushed to death]
What!...Who!...Ahhh for fucka sake!...My brother isa dead!

Snake, [Still rambling]
Today my destiny shall be revealed to me...and I will grab it by the throat and choke it to death, like I would any other challenge that lay ahead of me. This fight is far from over! And I will...

Master Chief [Cutting in while getting in Snake's face]
...Finish this fight!

Snake & The Master Chief look at one another with intent to kill

Fade out,
To black.

TO BE CONTINUED!



Stay tuned for Part II of VIDEO GAME - The Movie