Ok, prove me wrong if you will, but I can't help but think that feature films based on video games are destined to turn everything we all love...into shit.

This topic may have been done to death, but if you don't want to read about it again...then um...don't. I am going to list out a few examples so you can see what I am talking about...

NOTE: I have taken out all films directed by that penis: Uwe Boll. And the reason...He (and any of his God awful creations) don't even deserve to be noted on this list of fail.

5: Double Dragon - 1993

This being fifth from the worst in this listing just goes to show you how unbelievably shit the following works of mung (munging: An action which involves two people digging up a freshly dead corpse, and sexually stimulating themselves by having one of the two people rest their mouth on the anus of the corpse and the other of the two jumping on the stomach to push the bowels into the others person's mouth...yummy) are going to be.

This flick is so bad I attempted to watch it when I was 10 and I turned it off half way through to go and catch flies to pull off their wings and watch them try to fly off in a very retarded way, just to fill up the time. Yes...it is that bad. And why? Go watch it and see.


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4: Resident Evil: Apocalypse - 2004

Listen, if you enjoyed this movie, you need your eyes stabbed out with a rusty butterknife and your ears stabbed with ice-picks. Yes, the lead actress (if you want to call her that) Milla Russian-Malcovich-Name (along those lines) may be hot, but she has no tits, so she can GTFO and so can the film.

However Milla wasn't the real problem of this abortion of a film, no no no. The real problem was EVERYTHING. I'm so glad I was able to find this clip of the movie because it was in this scene that I relised this movie was set to be a rafting trip in a wild river of shit with down-sydrome kids as paddlers. LULZ, fair go, shes pretty hot, but get a load of how this whore of a 'cop' (whom mind you doesnt even follow the Jill Valentine from the original games) is dressed, not to mention her unexplained extensive knowledge of the fact that these 'prisoners' need to be gunned down, even though the rest of the police station seems to be oblivious to the fact that THEY ARE FUCKING EATING EVERYBODY! This scene would have to be THE WORST scene in cinema history and a dark, sad 1 minute and 25 seconds in the lives of Resident Evil fans...And where the fuck is Leon Kennedy for christ's sake.


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3: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation - 1997

Hard to believe over 10 years have passed since the creation of this piece of shit. This film sucked so much, that I'm surprised it didn't become an official sponsor for hoovers and whores. I needed to put a few clips up on here just to show how damn hilarious this film was. With that being said, all they needed to do was list the film under 'comedy' instead of 'action' and they would have had ranting reviews of epicness.

The greatest scene in this movie is just as it begins. Johny Cage, whom was one of the main heros of the sucky (but bearable) original Mortal Kombat gets his neck snapped in the opening scenes of the film. I was taking a sip of my drink at the time of the Johny boys demise which resulted in it spraying in the air from pissing myself laughing. This was the man that cracked Goro in the nuts (to which he probably had 4 of to suit his arms) and sent him to his plummeting death. As in THE Goro, you know, the cunt that scared the piss out of you as a kid as he came running towards your character with this look of rape in his eyes. Remember the first time he grabbed your character and held him / her with 2 arms and nearly bashed their heads through their arse and onto the floor, I nearly shit myself when he first did that to me! ... But back to my point, Johny Cage beats Goro and helps save the day in the original film, no more than 6 minutes into the sequel (to which a different actor plays him for that brief time), he has his neck snapped and he is out of the game. Pure Grade A hilarious shit, because I hated the dickhead. Take a look...



Notes: Yes I know this film had a sick title sequence, but thats about it. And after relising that New Line Cinema brought this out, I keep wondering how the fuck they got a hold of the Lord of the Rings rights to release as films. And lets just recap on the great scripting:

* 3:15
- "What closes can also open again".
- "What is that suppose to mean?"
How Raiden should have responded: "I wonder...you daft blonde whore!"

* 3:26
- "Mother...your alive"
- "Too bad YOU...will die"
I lol'd so damn hard when that was said.

Let's take a look at some other qualities this motion picture had to deliver...


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2: Streetfighter - 1994

Look, in all honesty I can't be fucked going on about how this sucked a flacid dick in hope of getting it stiff. All I can do is say that french born Van Damme playing the American solider Guile...pure dick snot. And I was dissapointed when there wasn't a rape scene with Kylie Minogue playing as Cammy...that would have at least made up for her being in this mess of a film.

Throw this film under the comedy banner, or better yet throw it in a time capsule to remember just how shit the 20th century really was. Take a look at the following 2 speeches in the film, both hilarious and totally stupid...



For God's sake Van Damme, I wish you would go home, ya fucken cunt.



"Why do they still call me a warlord...and mad?"
Moments pass...
"All of humanity will blow to me"...
Camera pans over his head to show a building in the shape of a skull...rightio.

Enough said I think
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1: Super Mario Bros. - 1993

Ok...I'll make this simple...If you ever watched this film and said it was good...I am going to kill your future family (if you don't have any already that can be killed). And in the end, you will thank me. Because if your idea of a good movie is this, then the woman you choose to give birth to your children must be a fucken troll. And as a result, your future children will be outcasts with fucked up faces and genes that say 'Super Mario Bros. The Movie was good'...seriously. If you like this film, stop the suffering of future generations being given your genetic fuckheadism and drown yourself in a bucket of stale piss. Don't do it for me, do it for mankind. In fact, do it for yourself...and yes, me...and also Dennis Hopper, who wishes he'd killed himself after making this.



I personally think this 5 second version is much, much, MUCH better...



And just for the record...I hate Mario, fair go he was the first iconic game character...but he is a fat plumber who is pussy-whipped by a princess who never lets Mario clean her pipes. She gives him a fucken cake at the end of Mario 64...You would think that he would at least get a gobby, if not a wristy...And yes I know my avatar is Mario, but he's got his devil horns up, so that makes up for his shittiness.

VG Cats drew it the way it should have been done...



Thats all from me for now, ill see you all soon.
Much love and respect (obviously)

Moses