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You have exceeded my expectations in your direction with your latest masterpiece, Transformers, The Rise of the Fallen. The Godfather, The Shawshank Redemption, Robot Jox...your film is now in my personal favorites collection to stay.
Megan Fox running in slow motion through out half the film, Optimus Prime taking on 5 different Decepticons at once...The rest of the film however is a total retarded, fucked up, waste of money that could have gone to putting more hospital beds in our rural hospitals so that people can stop dying from Swine Flu here in Victoria, Australia.
Between Shia LaBouf's annoying as fuck and pointless parents somehow swapping from the U.S to France to Egypt every 30 fucking minutes, a black soldier that could do a toothpaste commercial with his sparkly teeth that look like an army of albino soldiers standing in line, the terrible script consisting of rotten dialect and shit house jokes (including a weed cookie taking effect 2 minutes after consumption when it would take over an hour to digest), Explosions EVERYWHERE consisting of robots and people I couldn't give a fuck about, representing America (yet again) in the idealistic fashion of being the all mighty masters of the universe that now control the Autobots, and last but not least; Decepticons that decide they want to be Autobots for the fuck of it at the convenient time and turning point of the film.
But as I said, great job on Megan Fox, Optimus Prime and Slow Motion.
Keep up the good work.
P.S- Try to keep in mind that without a decent story with characters we couldn't give a fuck about, we don't care about the things that go BOOM! around them.
P.P.S- The movie title sounds like a advertising campaign for Viagra
Note: If you feel I spoiled the movie for you in this write up, I am doing you a favor! Trust me. read more
I have just finished recoreing the eppside 7 of redused classic\ficaytion podcast. I feel that I am the only person who had the BALLS tp let themselves let go and not hold back from what it was they were feeling.
As you will be able to tell from our lasmp post. I did not hold backl. Tpo be honest., I love gaming to hte most it can be loved. And I am not ashamed!@ Gaming runs my life. I work in a video games store, I play Xbox every nioght to the point where I am letting my relationship be dominated by my screaming rants to my friends killing the . oppsing tream. PULL A GRENADE AND WATCH YOUR TEAM GO BOOM!!!!!!!!\
YAYQ
End caps.
Enter me, the legned.
To all our listeners and our follewers . I love you all.
Long live everything to do ewith gaming. Inculding you@!!!
So trying to get publicity for your podcast isn't easy. That is something that a few friends and I are learning. So instead of advertising and spamming the shit out of it through Destructoid (Even though it is a Destructoid exclusive), I am just going to request that people give me a list of questions that they believe applies to gaming in one way or another.
Now I don't care if they are serious, semi-serious or plain out fucking ridiculous. All I care about is if they have a question mark at the end. Not only you be named and your questions answered by a bunch of drunken gamers, BUT...we are having a comp where the best question (Which will be unanimously chosen by us) and the winner will be on the next episode.
Obviously the other two guys I do the podcast with, have no idea about this competition, but not everything is planned I guess. And if they don't really approve of it, I guess they will just have to ask the best question in order to make sure nobody else gets on the podcast.
Bring forth your faggotry!
P.S- This still doesn't count as spamming since I never named the podcast. But it is in my profile if you give a shit.
P.P.S- Our podcast is called Refused Classification...you can find it HERE, HERE and HERE!
P.P.P.S- If you came in here wanting tits and are disappointed, then feel free to listen to episode 4, it is very tit related. read more
I have always wanted the kind of video game that really sets a standard in terms of realism. Like Hollywood with Film, most video game developers make Michael Bay style shit that has packed lots of punch and no plot. Discussing this with my friends in the car on the way in to an epic night of drinks, tits and memory loss, we came to the decision that us gamers are obviously undereducated.
Face it, if our gaming brethren in the past were told the FACTS of how things really worked, then they would have gotten away with all those high school shootings. They would have been able to walk in, kill everyone, leave and never be found again. Though I'll be honest with you, I sure as hell would have done the same thing if it was a scenario in Fallout 3; Save, Kill everybody who deserves to live, check out the after effects and then reload the strategically saved game before I had put myself eye deep in shit. Unfortunately the last part isn't in the structure of real life.
Kudos to the obviously intellectual men and women who have taken the time out of their fun filled day to put down their video game control, pick up a real gun and chase after the pink mist at their local school, shopping mall or even child daycare center. They do so well...up until the very last part where there is no other option but to end their own killing streak by taking the honorable way out with a bullet to the head without realizing that autosave didn't exactly go into effect when they walked through the front door.
If you feel that your next moves are picking up a gun, taking a stroll, and observing how a person reacts to a few bullets flying through them, be sure to read this before you leave. It just may be your saving grace.
Chapter 1 - Keeping in Good Health
First things first, a healthy psychopath is something we can all enjoy on occasion. But if our fellow brothers and sisters get influenced by a video game to go out and kill some things (and rightfully so) then they need to know the difference between a night in the hospital and a fucking egg.
The video game world will have you believe that they are the same thing but let me assure you, I played through the resident evil trilogy and Capcom just wants people to eat eggs. Perhaps Capcom's shareholders also own an egg farm, or maybe they watched Rocky one too many times and thought to themselves, if eggs can make this fat Italian smash Apollo Creed to the floor, then they must be good. Either way, food and even medical kits have been used very inaccurately.
Gaming, these days will have you think that if you want to gain some health after losing a substantial amount you just have to walk away for 10 seconds and then presto, the invisible, magic, faggotry fairy will wave his wand and you will be Captain Rape again. Unfortunately this is also a myth.
I'm the kind of person that usually walks onto a city block and starts ranting on about how everybody else around me is less worthy of life in comparison to say...somebody like myself. This usually results in me getting my head smacked in, and from my experience, running off and hiding for a few seconds DOES NOT put you back into the full swing of things. In fact standing still without medical aid usually worsens it due to blood loss. So next time you are out setting fire to peoples houses, be sure to be at a safe distance before lighting the match.
Health - Quick Facts
* Medkits are not scattered all over the ground and if they were, stepping on them wouldn't do much and they would do fuck all anyway. I have used a medkit at work and they do not contain all the things your body will be missing after a grenade going off in your face.
* A bullet or stab wound is not exactly something that can go away easily.
* Pain killers are not health, though many games and also the current state of society will have you think that taking a Marilyn Monroe dose of these pills is the equivalent of staying 3 nights in a hospital twith Megan Fox, Gemma Atkinson and Keeley Hazel at your personal aid, wearing nothing at all and sitting on your face.
Health - Quick Tips
* If you are in need of practice before heading out into your local town and taking lives, play your video games on the hardest difficulty. Not only will this frustrate you to the point of killing, it will also help you understand how very delicate your own body is and in turn will help you to be much more cautious. I recommend Call of Duty 4 on Veteran Difficulty while only using a knife.
* Before you begin painting your streets red, go to the local hospital and kidnap a doctor. One thing Team Fortress 2 has taught me is that if you have a Doc near by, you can get through a hell of a lot more aggressive situations.
* While your at the Hospital, steel an ambulance. If you do flat line, you can always use a Defibrillator to get yourself back into the swing of things...wait.
Chapter 2 - Guns, Ammo & Gear
While not being a resident of the proud U.S of A, I can still understand to some extent why you choose to keep in constant circulation the flow of Weaponry and put such harsh restrictions on Video Gaming. We all know to some small degree , us video gamers are trained killing machines, secretly and unknowingly building ourselves up to becoming the most brutal of thugs, murderers, rapists and thieves. Only a select few of us have realized our potential and put their obsession into real action. However, it is obvious, judging by the outcome of our brother and sister's actions, that they did not prepare themselves well enough. Read carefully and apply yourself to this text and you will be able to bring your town population to zero before the fascist authorities even know what has happened.
First of all, forget all those late 1980's montages you saw of Arnold Schwarzenegger gearing up before heading out to rape the many bad men that awaited his mighty win, because you being the emo, picked on, tiny pimple of a volcano that is about to erupt with deathly rage, will have nowhere near the same amount of killing devices to use, nor the muscle capacity to hold most of them up. But as Bioshock has taught us, we can always make our own devices of death and this is something those smart chaps from Columbine noted (Although to be technical, Bioshock wasn't even in the making at this time...but you get my point) and put into effect.
Unfortunately most of our gamer turned killer brethren seem to think that all you need is a few pistols, maybe a shotgun and some explosives...but let's be honest here, beggars can't be choosers can they? However, making a statement this important and leaving an impression for the rest of the world on how to perceive the rest of us gamers, is a statement that should be backed up with heavy research and even more preparation. If you haven't got the tools for the job, don't do it. You need to make sure you have stocked up on all NECESSARY items. If you live in the mighty U S of A, you should have no problem finding them. If you live anywhere else...move to the US and take it out on them. Most of the world does anyway, including themselves.
A Realistic List of Hardware you will need to perform local genocide:
* Combat Knife - Be sure to execute your first hostage with a knife so people know you mean business
* Silencer - It would be a a lot harder to find you, if you couldn't be heard...duh
* Automatic Weapon - Sure a shotgun packs punch, but can it take down 10 people in 5 seconds?
* Rocket Launcher - Even if it is used to end yourself...what a way to go
* Claymore Mines - On entry, these should be set up to avoid capture and detect opposition
* Ninja Smoke Balls - These things are the shit
A Realistic List of what is to be left behind:
* Camo Paint - It's stupid since you are in suburbia and you will look like a cadet who didn't pass his phyc-test
* Your Heart - She is crying, She has children and she has your gun to her head...can you do it?
* Black Clothing - Stop wearing the black clothes for fuck sake, it's not hardcore...in fact it is beyond try-hard, wanna-be bad arse...if you want to go out in true revolutionary fashion, wear some MC Hammer Pants, rainbow suspenders and a Russian flap hat. You would be the poster boy for teenagers with angst for the next millennium.
Guns, Ammo & Gear - Quick Tips
* Be sure to test out your home made weaponry on your neighbors pets, it will guarantee you keep your limbs and everybody else will loose theirs.
* Dress hostages up in black clothing and give them your guns once your ammo has depleted. They will get shot and blamed for all you have done and you can walk out as a potential victim.
* Do NOT for one second question your motives and reason for doing what it is you are doing, you have obviously thought this through and have a valid reason for taking the lives of the moronic innocent. Make your family proud.
Final Chapter - One Life and No Save Points
That's right people, believe it or not the game society has dubbed 'Real Life' is a game like no other. Think of it like this; if it were available on the Xbox 360 you would have to spend a year learning how to walk, 2 more years learning how to be an annoying little shit, another 2 years till you can start being educated and prepared for an amazingly and unknowingly fascist society, spend 6 years doing that and then keep going until you hit the area in life where they start getting you ready to handle adulthood...then after spending 17 years of your life getting to his level...the level in this game where the entire world is at your fingertips, you decide to make things interesting by smoking a crack pipe, storming into your parents bedroom in the middle of the night with a kitchen knife and a pizza cutter and try to recreate a Pablo Picasso painting using their soul bags as canvases. It isn't too long before you realize your game is now fucked and you decide to end it.
All that game progress and no save points? You can't even restart...The console has even been programed to melt the fucking disc so that it and the console holding it gone...for good. But it doesn't stop there, oh no. There was only one copy of this game released, and YOU had it. There were millions of other people out there who wanted it in the condition you had it, MILLIONS! They would have killed to have had it and ironically you killed to loose it...You fucking idiot.
Dedicated to the stupid fuckwits that end other peoples lives to give theirs meaning and to their parents who obviously didn't do their job as guardians and most of all, to the general public that seem to think video games are a great place to point the finger at instead of something more obvious...such as Arms Dealing and an incapable Law Structure.
P.S- If you give a shit about anything to do with gaming, be sure to check out Destructoid's own; Refused Classification read more
My...how long has it been? I have truly missed talking shit to the masses. So I would like to apologize for my belated absence and blame it on working a full time job which sapped my will to live and train of thought. Now that I kicked it out of my life, I feel like Astro Boy after he was remade...Well animated and shit! But enough of this, we all know you came here for the latest and much anticipated chapter of The Weapon of Choice...
Let's be out with the obvious. We love to kill things, and because we love to kill in video games, it stops us from picking up a knife and killing our family in real life...well, that's how it works for me anyway. But in all seriousness, the more gruesome and original the face of death is within a video game, the more enthralled we are as human beings.
We crave for blood and when it flows we sit up and pay attention. Directly. Let us recap on the direct killing methods which I believe to be the greatest...
* Sniper Rifles - Various Titles * Flame Throwers - Various Titles * The Cerebral Bore - Turok 2 * The Gravity Gun - Half Life 2 * The Fat Man - Fallout 3 * The Entire Ninja 2 Gaiden Arsenal * The Hand of God - Rise of the Triads * The Lancer - Gears of War (2)
* The BFG 9000 - Doom Series * Blades of Chaos - God of War Trilogy * Remote & Proximity Mines - Goldeneye 007 * The Tek Bow - Turok Series * The Combat Knife - Various Titles * The Plasma Grenade - Halo Trilogy * The Shrink Ray - Duke Nukem 3D * The Chainsaw - Doom Series
* The Translocator Gun - Unreal Tournament Series * The Plastic Bag - Manhunt * Nevan - Devil May Cry 3 * The BLUE Shell - Mario Kart Series * Altair's Blade - Assassin’s Creed * The BattleMech - Mechwarrior Series * The Shotgun - Various Titles * The Sentry Turret - Team Fortress 2
As in the previous two articles, we will be taking a look at the most inventive and colorful ways, to end a life in a video game. From 1 to 5, this is the criteria for which the arsenal shall be judged:
1) Originality - Has it been done before and can we get it on the black market? 2) Fun Factor - Is it fun to watch the life be taken in the fashion to which it is taken? 3) Gore Gauge - Will we need maxi-pads for the clean up? 4) Ease of use - Speaks for itself (Changed as suggested by Jozo)
Of course I have not played every single video game the world has had to offer, so if you can contribute to the topic in any way, please feel free to do so. Today we will start with what people suggested in the previous installments.
The Darkness - The Darkness As suggested by Puppy Licks
Mike Patton...that is usually enough of a reason for something to be totally awesome. However because many people have no idea who Mike Patton is (If you do, feel free to let me your favorite song / band of his) so I will elaborate. Playing an Italian gangster is cool enough, but playing an Italian gangster who is possessed by a heart feeding, assisting demon from hell is the coolest concept I have ever heard. Normally having a wide selection of guns is fine with me, but having a wide selection of both guns and demonic powers brings this game to a whole new level of awesome.
Early trailer of The Darkness showing the true power of Evil
If you haven't played this, I thoroughly recommend you head out there and get yourself a copy because you can kind it for a very reasonable price now considering it was released quite some time ago. If you have played it and don't agree with me when I say that being able to impale your victim with a demonic arm, eat their hearts, create black holes, summon demons and eat shadows are the most amazing things you can do in a game, then you are plain and simply a fuckhead.
1) Originality - 4 - Having demonic powers had been done, but never like this 2) Fun Factor - 5 - It never gets old and is always entertaining 3) Gore Gauge - 5 - It eats the victims hearts out of their bodies for fuck sake 4) Ease of use - 2 - Not the easiest to control, but well worth the skill needed
The Hadoken - The Streetfighter Series
In terms of iconic, this sets the standard. When people think of Streetfighter they think of this and it is because it is (or was) an original concept; A fighter being able to tap into his fighting ability to result in channeling his Chi into energy. Not so much a weapon but the direct result of the weapons (being the fighters) themselves, it has built up to be more of an icon for fighting games than what Michael Jordan is for basketball.
If only the Hadoken looked this cool in the game ey?
The recently released Streetfighter IV includes more than 6 fighters that are capable of using the Hadoken proving that is the most popular move used in fighting games today. While not the greatest move for taking away damage it is a great way to counter or distract your opponent while pulling off another move in a very tight-knit sequence.
1) Originality - 2 - For the time it was, now it is like air 2) Fun Factor - 3 - Always fun having an Hadoken face off 3) Gore Gauge - 1 - No blood, but sometimes sets fire to victims 4) Ease of use - 5 - If you can't pull this off, you have no thumbs
Tina - The Dead or Alive Series As suggested by DanMazkin
There is not much that can be said about this, but I am going to do my best to say everything that could ever be said about this woman being a vital weapon against males and females alike. Here is what we as gamers know; Tits are good, great...god! Austrian psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud came up with a theory on why humanity (males in particular) are obsessed with breasts based on the fact that as children we are breast fed and always craved to be a the tit to get some more of mothers milk. Being the first thing we ever crave from birth, it stays within our heads. The need and the obsession with large breasts. It may sound lame, but it is proven. The bigger the breasts, the more milk they have and Tina has the biggest breasts in the Dead of Alive series (I did my research). We salivate for the milk at a young age and then just salivate over the delivery device themselves. Classic example of this is smoking cigarettes, people don't love the chemicals being taken into their body, they just love the delivery device of the chemicals, aka, the cigarette.
I would say MOAR!, but this already gives it.
To cut a long story short, this woman (if she really existed) would be the envy of every woman and the need of every (heterosexual) male. The only time she would be fucked is if she ran into an army of gay men...which these days isn't that hard to come by.
1) Originality - 2 - Big breasts aren't exactly uncommon these days with surgery and all 2) Fun Factor - 5 - Gravity and Physics have all kinds of effects on her 3) Gore Gauge - 3 - Once every 28 days she will bleed for 3 to 5 days straight 4) Ease of use - 3 - Easy on the thumbs as well as the eyes
"Would you Kindly?" - Bioshock *SPOILER ALERT* As suggested by RonBurgandy2010 You have been warned about this being a spoiler, but if you haven't played this game all the way through by now, you deserve to have it wrecked for you.
Who would have thought that playing a linear game would be put into the main story plot of you as the main character taking orders without knowing about it. Subconsciously controlled by the simple phrase "Would you Kindly?". Building yourself up to be the greatest weapon a game has ever seen, completing the tasks for the very man you are trying to get even with. It was the "Oh fuck!" gaming moment of the decade and nothing else even came close (except for the first viewing of the Dead or Alive Extreme 2 intro).
Watching this trailer makes me want to mainline funky shit
The eventual powers this man had control of were incredible and because he was used as an instrument to get certain jobs done, he is classified as a weapon himself. Being able to control a great number of things such as Telepathy, Ice, Fire, Insects and many more, as well as having an extended arsonal...The main man in this game is definitely one of the greatest weapons ever made...and he was made.
1) Originality - 5 - Mind control is not uncommon, but the sheer shock of it all is full on 2) Fun Factor - 5 - Like The Darkness, this man's powers never get old fast 3) Gore Gauge - 4 - While not the most extreme case of gore, it still sets standards 4) Ease of use - 2 - In the heat of battle, it takes skill to use the powers correctly
Mega Buster - Mega Man Series As suggested by TheCleaningGuy
Nostalgia is a bitch and Megaman is one of the main causes of this within the gaming industry. Never tiring with age are his titles as well as the concept of the character himself. His main weapon has taken many changes and names over the course of his long life span so to save some time, I have listed them below:
1- Mega Buster / Arm Cannon The first Mega Buster, originally known simply as Plasma and Arm Cannon in the first three Mega Man games. It can fire three bullets at a time that, with the exception of the remake Mega Man Powered Up, can pass through walls.
2- New Mega Buster The New Mega Buster is an upgrade made in Mega Man 4. It can be charged to cause more damage.
3- Super Mega Buster Super Mega Buster is a modification made by Dr. Cossack in Mega Man 5. The charged shot gets more power, but it throws Mega Man backwards in Mega Man IV and V.
4- Mega Arm The Mega Arm is an upgrade of the Super Mega Buster that only appeared in Mega Man V for Game Boy. It can charge energy to fire Mega Man's fist like Hard Man's Hard Knuckle.
There are two items that enhances the Mega Arm: MH:Can grab items from far away with Mega Man's hand. Costs 90 P-Chips. CL:Can grab and attack the enemy over and over. Costs 100 P Chips.
5- Hyper Mega Buster Hyper Mega Buster is a modification from Mega Man 6. Mega Man no longer goes backward after a Charge Shot, but he loses the charged energy if hit by an enemy.
This will be the song my future wife walks down the isle to!
1) Originality - 4 - The amount of times it has been changed is original enough 2) Fun Factor - 4 - Multi-tasking weapons are always fun to use 3) Gore Gauge - 0 - Its a gun sure...but there is NO blood 4) Ease of use - 3 - Average skill level needed to use in difficult situations
The Mini-Gun - Various Titles As suggested by Seigfreid
Throughout the course of gaming history we have always been able to access a great range of weaponry, however nothing instills more power of a player than getting their hands on one of these puppies. Big, loud and capable to mowing down trees with bullets, this weapon has been the landmark of Bigger is Better since its invention as the Gatling Gun back in the late 1800's.
Save the mother fucking rain forest!!
The Mini-Gun is true blue American muscle, and that is evident in the fact that you need to fire a shitload of bullets in order to do damage to the target. What one bullet could do with precise accuracy using a sniper rifle, 10,000 bullets could do using a Mini-Gun. Just pull the trigger and eventually the shitstorm of bullets will hit something...The American way.
1) Originality - 3 - It has popped up in quite a few games ever since Wolfenstine 3D 2) Fun Factor - 3 - There was always fun to be had in showering people in bullets 3) Gore Gauge - 3 - Ripping flesh from bodies as the bullets fly through...*sigh* 4) Ease of use - 4 - Not hard to aim and hold down CTRL
Bowser's Flying Armater - Mario 3 As suggested by Puppy Licks
Lets face it, some of the coolest weapons in gaming are usually in the hands of the enemy. This is usually to instill fear, envy and hate which drives you to overcome and defeat the enemy in question. When you are playing as a fat Italian plumber who's only weapon is his fat arse to jump on shit, you have to question things when the enemy you are fighting against has an entire flying fleet dedicated to blowing the shit out of you.
Lets do a quick run down...Cannons, Turtles, Turtles that throw shit...I think that's it. But that's not the point; the point is that one Italian fat arse against all this is what a game is all about...against all odds, this man would normally stand NO chance. The real life equivalent to this would be getting you local deli owner and putting him in front of a blue whale and telling him to fuck it. The end result would not be pretty, but still an experience to watch.
1) Originality - 5 - It's a flying pirate ship...need I say more? 2) Fun Factor - 4 - It was a pain in the arse, but god damn fun 3) Gore Gauge - 2 - No blood and guts, but lots of death 4) Ease of use - 5 - We don't use it, but the console has no problem with it
Jarate - Team Fortress 2
Ok, so it hasn't been released for Xbox 360 or PS3 yet, but we can all hope. Still, the concept of throwing a jar filled with Aussie Sniper piss that increases the enemies damage intake, is a concept that is beyond genius. The game already has an unlimited amount of options one can dispose of their fellow opponent, from bottles to bazooka's, from shovels to Sticky Bombs....and now from Pyromaniacs to Piss.
All hail us Aussie killers!
I have always enjoyed the Engineer and usually play as a sniper only if I have to. However having a vile of urine has put into my mind that my love for having piss on me will take me to new levels of greatness once this update comes into play. Pray that it comes to consoles my friends...pray for the piss.
1) Originality - 5 - It's a jar full of piss for god sake 2) Fun Factor - 5 - It's a jar full of piss for god sake 3) Gore Gauge - 5 - It's a jar full of piss for god sake 4) Ease of use - 5 - It's a jar full of piss for god sake read more
Even though this message has been previously sent out to our fellow destructoid brothers and sisters, I cannot contain my soggey pants...and so, I must let forth a mighty spurge of copy and paste to show that I too am a commited mother fucker to the cause of stuffing a cactus up Mr. Atkinson's arse.
If you are an Australian, Dtoidian and Gamer or you just love the sound of Australian accents (which most American's do once they indeed find out we are Australian over Xbox live, and therefore stop hanging shit on us because they relise we aren't from England [No Offence intended to Jim Sterling] then you may find some solace in the fact that a new era is approaching...
We're recording a podcast! Yes that's right, like Destructoid hasn't got enough podcasts already, right?
So why are we recording a podcast, you ask? Well we feel that Dtoid needs a little more Australian representation, so what better way to reach out to the Aussie contingent of the community than by discussing what's been happening in gaming in this wide brown land of ours. Now while this podcast will feature a lot of Australian content and representation, it will not be exclusively Australian so if you happen to reside anywhere else and feel like listening you won't be excluded.
So, if you wanna hear us carry on about being a gamer in Australia, or if you just want to listen and laugh at our funny sounding accents, feel free to leave us a question and keep an eye out tomorrow for our very first episode of Refused Classification!
Your hosts for this evening shall be;
Myself, Mr Dillinger
Puppy Licks DanMazkin
Puppy Licks suggested you be gentle because it is our first time...well, my first time in anything hasn't been that crash hot, specially when my first sexual encounter was an old man named Bob hanging out in an ice cream truck just outside my pre-school who asked if I wanted extra topping on my cone and I regretfully said yes...he was amazing, but I totally sucked.
Anyway, tune in and feel free to be honest so I can be honest right back at your sorry ass. read more
I am not usually one to judge the quality of video games because I believe that they are not easy peaces of interactive entertainment to put together. Games either tend to either pull me in or not and I usually give them enough time to do either one or the other. The main problem comes, when I sit down with a game that I am certain will meet my expectations and it doesn't. It is nights like that; where I purposefully turn my phone off, tell everybody I am busy and pretend the world outside my room doesn't exist, I depend on the set game of the evening to get me through until I fall asleep with the controller in my hand. But what happens when I play the game for an hour and realize I am not getting pulled into it?
Any form of entertainment should have its key priority set to submerging it's user with greatness within the first 15 minutes of play, otherwise they will consider that 15 minutes to be a waste of time and won't want to waste any more. I don't know if that is just me, but if it isn't, I pity the rest of the world that is willing to sit through something as tragic as a Tom Arnold film (On the exception of True Lies). Having a friend who manages the local video store of my residing town comes with its advantages. I can hire out any game for free for however long I usually want and if it doesn't do it for me, I just take it back and swap it for something else. This may be considered by some as unsupportive to the gaming industry, but if a game doesn't grab me like it should for the Australian price of $100 (Sometimes $120), then it's a waste of money really. I like to be sure. So sue me.
The latest game to really get under my skin is Resident Evil 5.
So far I am half way through playing it and the only reason I am still going is because I have nothing else to do at 12.27am (I wrote this last night before bed, by the way) on a Tuesday Australian evening. But if I am on Destructoid writing about it rather than playing it, then something is obviously up.
I am a huge fan of the Resident Evil (Game, not Movie, let's be clear about that) series because it was the first game series to bring my piss to the point of exit when I was a kid while playing it by myself in a dark room with the sound right up. I was playing as Leon Kennedy in Resident Evil 2 (which I considered to be the best of the series up until the fantastic Gamecube remake of the Playstation original), walking down a dead calm, silent hallway in an abandoned police station in a zombie infested town...all I could hear were my footsteps as I crossed from one end of the corridor to the other, and then BOOM! Out of nowhere came a smashing group of arms reaching for my face, so they could rip it off and eat it. That my friends is Survival Horror and what we have had since Resident Evil 4 is an action, 3rd Person shooter with modernized concepts of horror.
*sigh* I miss the good old days...
I am well aware that the games don't change for us, and we have to roll with the punches so I accepted and enjoyed Resident Evil 4 very much. But did it scare me? No. Was it Horrific? No. Don't get me wrong, Leon was a cool character and Ashley (The President's Daughter) was one hot lollie which if given the chance like Leon was (and stupidly rejected) I would pork just so I could say that I fucked the President's 16 year old baby girl.
Look, I am getting way off topic here and I can't exactly pinpoint what it is that isn't grabbing me. This game has been getting great reviews all over the place and everything on the surface seems top notch. Maybe I just feel that it is too similar to that of number 4. In all honesty, it just seems like the exact same game with a different lead character with additional arm mass and minus the blonde emo fringe. I personally don't get off on the fact that it is set mostly during the day and in the middle of a wild African nation either.
I know I am going to get raped by fans of the game here, and I apologize for expressing my thoughts but I am trying to do so in a constructive way so that people don't get pissy. Alright Capcom, here are my suggestions:
1- Better Location: On the loading screens I noticed that the Resident Evil history states that their was a lab set up in Antarctica...I could not think of a better place to set up something eerie, terrifying and horrific. If anybody has ever seen the film 30 days of Night, they will catch my drift. Put in that situation, I would shit my pants. Night, Snow and nowhere to go. Yes, I played The Thing and it confirms what I am saying, it scared the shit out of me and was overlooked by many people. Capcom have the fan base and the money to pull it off even better.
2- Enough with the new characters: Resident Evil has been around long enough for us to get comfortable with the players. Bring Claire back for god sake, she is the best female character of the series and her absence saddens me. If it were Chris and Claire Redfield side by side, that would be awesome and it would also instantaneously connect the two with an emotional bond since they are brother and sister.
3- No Partner: Get rid of the computer assisting Partner. A Horror game is not a horror game if you are with somebody the entire time, it is a "What was that!?", "I don't know" annoying game experience. Sure she has saved my arse, helps me carry shit and is quite hot but she is as much a pain in the arse as she is a helpful co-player. Plus, you would think that with so many near death experiences that her a Chris wouldn't just get down on it after every chapter. At least that would make her bearable. I enjoy the concepts in Res 1 & 2 where they have to split up but meet up throughout the game to help each other out. It really gives the player a feeling of abandonment and lone survival.
4- Realism in Survivalism: Enough with the eggs and herbs for god sake. Last time I ate a raw egg it made me boff, not feel better. And I can't remember being able to spray a herb onto my body to make myself feel better, except for weed, which I quit smoking a while back (believe it or not). This is suppose to be realistic survival so bust out the needle and thread and stitch up those cuts and bandage those wounds.
5- Bring in a weapons specialist for customization: I realize that certain levels of customization give the game an RPG feel, which is why you have made the weapons all customizable. And if you are going to do so, at least make it so there is a black market weapons specialist around the place where you could trade the money and treasures for upgrades. While this may not be possible in the Artic, it is sure as hell possible in the middle of Africa.
6- Enough of the Hollywood Action standard: Stop making it Hollywood action style and go back to the eerie Japanese horror style with the survival at the fittest attitude. I really enjoyed having the shit scared out of me because its something I can't feel whenever I want (unless I visit my mother). Having a vulnerable character is also a plus because it gives a feeling of helplessness.
As I said, on the surface there seems to be nothing wrong with Resident Evil 5, but it just seems like it's lacking the soul of it's predecessors. And for some reason I get the feeling that it would be the bastard child of the film Blood Diamond and well...a B grade zombie flick...like Resident Evil. read more
Monday (Well, its Tuesday where I am) calls for music and not too long ago I was blessed with the opportunity to interview one of my favorite bands; The Dillinger Escape Plan. While it may not have much to do with gaming, I thought there may be a few fans on Destructoid that would like to have it shared with them.
For anybody not familiar with them, The Dillinger Escape Plan (sometimes abbreviated DEP or TDEP) is an American experimental mathcore band from Morris Plains, New Jersey. The band originated in 1997 after the disbanding of Arcane, a hardcore punk trio consisting of Ben Weinman, Dimitri Minakakis, and Chris Pennie. The band's current line-up consists of Ben Weinman (lead guitar, backing vocals), Liam Wilson (bass guitar), Greg Puciato (lead vocals), Jeff Tuttle (rhythm guitar, backing vocals), and Billy Rymer (drums, percussion). For those not familar with the band, this is one of their most recent singles: Milk Lizard
The Dillinger Escape Plan - Milk Lizard
The band is known for their wild and personal live shows which often showcase stage-diving into the audience, fire breathing, and many other special effects.
Over the 10+ years that DEP have been performing they have gone through several line up changes involving three different vocalist including Mike Patton (Faith No More, Tomahawk) as well as many different guitarists, bassists and drummers. The only person who has been there from the start is lead guitarist Ben Weinman, and this is the man I spoke to.
Ben Weinman is the gentleman second from the right
MOSES TIME: 11.30AM in Melbourne, Australia BEN TIME: 7:30PM on Thanksgiving in New Jersey, USA
First of all thanks for letting me speak with you during Thanksgiving. It's fine man, I just finished up dinner at my parents house so now we are all sitting around and chilling out.
Far out, sorry to bother you at your parents place Don't worry about it *laughs*
Ok, well with that being said, I'll try not to take up too much of your time. You guys have had members come and go since the Arcane (Weinman’s first band which formed into Dillinger Escape Plan) days, including:
-Brantley, who disappeared without a word -Fulton, whom was said to have creative differences -The unfortunate incident with Doll -Minakakis, crediting he couldn’t handle the touring -Benoit, having suffered from nerve damage -Chris Pennie, leaving to join another band just before the recording of Ire Works
How did you hold it all together and keep The Dillinger Escape Plan progressing in terms of musical achievement? Hasn’t been easy but I think for one thing the pressure throughout the years has leaded us to create better music. Even before our first record (Calculating Infinity) we have always faced adversity; we were coming from a small place in New Jersey where there wasn’t much of a music scene. It was extremely hard to get accepted, even within the underground cultures in punk rock and hardcore it was a hard task. At the start our music was an expression of those things; small town, small scene.
Eventually a few people clicked with it and we started to make a name for ourselves in the small sub culture we were playing within. When it came time to record our first album, our Bass Player at the time (Doll]) was involved in an accident and became paralyzed from the waste down and went on to do other things. So I had a lot on my plate, first album to record and I had to pull double guitar and bass duty but the other guys still pulled their weight but we didn’t get much left from outside the band.
So long answer short; from day one I have always had to pull my weight to keep it together so I just continue to do that and I think that all the member changes has only helped me to be on my toes, keeping things different and making the tasks more exciting. I like where things are now because every member of the band now was once a fan of the band and they have high expectations of where this band should be and it keeps us all on our toes, for sure.
Meshuggah & Dillinger attract similar listeners with open minds...
How are things between you guys and Coheed and Cambria, did it upset you that they negotiated with your ex drummer Chris Pennie while you were away from the tour? How did you react when you found out all this had happened in the short time you were gone? I don’t know exactly when it was they asked Chris to drum for them and that was part of the issue, there was a whole heap of stuff going on behind our backs that we didn’t know about. I did know he was talking to them, and we knew he was going to be helping them out to some degree but we didn’t know he was going to strait up leave the band in the middle of a tour just before recording our most recent album (Ire Works). I’ve never had a problem with the band Coheed and Cambria, I think they are good from what I have listened to and it was never really an issue with them, but we didn’t think that things were handled very professionally but at the end of the day, we are happier and he is happier I would suspect.
Suspect? Yeah, I don’t really talk to him any more. He is the only member of the band who has left whom I don’t speak with. But I think we were coming from such a different place anyway so it would make sense for him to continue with that route and for me to continue with this one.
Mike Patton is the man to thank for Faith No More, Tomahawk, Mr. Bungle and many more projects
Can you tell us a bit about working with Mike Patton (Faith No More, Tomahawk, Mr. Bungle, Peeping Tom) on Irony is a Dead Scene? Prior to working on that album with him if you were to ask me who I would want to work with out of anybody in the world I would have said Mike Patton, so it was an amazing experience to be able to do that. He was always such an influence on us and very early on in the bands career, just after we had finished recording the first record, he asked us if we wanted to tour with him and Mr. Bungle. So we got in a van and drove 2 days straight across country and spent 2 months touring with them and we learned a lot on that tour, but taking the next step and working with him creatively was just an amazing experience.
How was it that he got onto your music? He had gotten a copy of our first EP (Under the Running Board) from his guitarist Tre when he attended one of our gigs at some festival. So the combination of the two led to us doing the tour with them and Patton was one of the first people to hear our first record because we gave him a mastered copy to listen to on the tour bus. So that was pretty cool to get his feed back on that too.
There was a change in the music DEP produced once Greg (Lead Vocalist) entered the band, some people criticized this, many others praised it. How did you come to working on more experimental sounds which resulted in albums Miss Machine and the latest Ire Works? When we first started writing for Miss Machine, it was very aggressive and very similar to what we had been doing before that and then at one point I had been writing a whole other bunch of music and at first I thought I couldn’t do this music with Dillinger because we already had established a sound. Then I thought to myself that, that train of thought was really lame because the whole point of the band from the very start was to create a scenario where we would have no musical boundaries and we always said that we would never let anybody tell us how we should sound.
So I think in an attempt to bring us back to where we first started, in a situation where people didn’t have any expectation of what we were going to sound like, and we didn’t have any guidance or rule book on doing things. So in short, we just wanted to make music again without the knowledge of what people think we should sound like. And the only way to do that was to not listen to it and not care about what others thought about it.
Making music for yourself and staying true to what you want? Yeah, I think so but part of it all was to create new challenges and the biggest challenge for us in more recent times has been to incorporate more of those melodic things into the craziness of Dillinger and it was extremely hard challenged to make that work and its extremely difficult to do well, especially some of the more basic structured songs because there’s no excuses with those like there can be when you are playing crazy, off-time, fast music. But when you can pull of the combination of the two like I think we pulled off on Ire Works, then the final result is something we as the band and they are the fans can be happy with.
I have heard covers of songs originally performed by Justin Timberlake, Black Flag, The Melvins, Soundgarden, Massive Attack and Aphex Twin...I love the fact you guys have such a broad musical taste, have always wanted to branch out a little more in terms of style and tastes or has it been just something you have wanted to do in recent years? Well, having a diverse range in music taste has made us what we are from the start and I think it differentiates us from a lot of bands which have immerged in more recent times whom all play the same style of music. We have always been influenced by so many different things which have then come together to create the sound that is Dillinger, so it only makes sense for us to try and expose our fans to some of that music also.
Just another day at work for the boys on stage
Ok, lets talk about live shows. I have seen you guys on the stage and you blew my fucking head apart, I brought a female friend to the show who had never listened to you guys before, and she walked away with eyes wide, a huge smile and demanded we listen to your CD in the car on the way home. What do you guys do before you hit the stage? Because in my mind, I see you guys huddled up and saying 'Lets tear this fucken place apart'. Thanks for getting your female friend into our music *laughs*. But in terms of stage shows, there is no set, planned of other way for us. Before we get on stage we are sitting around, very passive, talking to people back stage, speaking to our mom’s over the phone and relaxing and then as soon as you hit the stage…its go time. We have been doing it that way for so long, we don’t know any other way to do it.
When you played in Melbourne, I was standing a little back from the stage because I didn’t want to die… *Ben cuts in with laughter*
…You threw your guitar into the crowd and told the audience to play something, then you asked for your guitar back. Are these things you do in the moment, or do you have it in your mind before you walk out onto the stage? I think that’s what is special about our band, not only does the crowd not know what’s going to happen, we don’t even know what’s going to happen. Certainly after playing every night for months there are things that just feel right at that moment. By no means do we plan what we are going to do in our show on the exception of the set list and there is almost a few things that happen at every show that haven’t happened at other shows which keeps things flowing.
Has there ever been a time where the crowd doesn’t give the guitar back? You gotta have balls of steal if you going to try and steal a guitar from a band that are playing for a sea of people who in turn love the band. You wouldn’t make it very far. But I can tell you a story about when somebody waited for us to leave the stage, then took the guitar home.
You don't want this pissed off man showing up at your doorstep
*Laughs* Please do… Well, we really got an image of how loyal our real fans are when one of his friends got in contact with us and told us who stole the guitar and where he lived. So Greg showed up at the door, the guy’s dad answered, and Greg just walked up to the kids bedroom, grabbed the guitar and walked out again.
*Laughs* I can imagine how the kids father would be, Greg looking like a condom full of walnuts and built like a brick shit-house, the kids dad would have been shitting himself… *Laughs* He was really confused from what Greg told me
At this point in time what is the objective and where do you guys plan to progress to? I don’t know really, we try to not look that far ahead and not set any long term goals and its worked pretty well so far. Right now we are recording on a new record and a DVD which looks back over the years and the time when we first started to now and getting ready for Soundwave.
And what does Ben Weinman do in his spare time? Movies? Xbox? Anything like that? Not really, the guys (The Band) love their Xbox 360 and gaming but I am pretty busy because I do a lot of the business for the band and that fills up a lot of my life. Paperwork, trying to get visa’s organized to get to Australia for Soundwave 09…all that fun stuff.
Well, I do tip my hat to you because without the effort and hard work you have put into this band we wouldn’t have the privilege of listening to it. You have done much and it doesn’t go unseen. Thank you very much, I really appreciate hearing that.
Who needs a guitar when you are a guitarist?
So in closing, you have been through the hard yards to keep this band together, what helping words can you give to the people you inspire to make music? Do it for yourself and don’t do it to be famous. Do it because you find it exciting and you want to create music. I feel its important that people create something that’s different and makes people think a little bit. There are enough bands out there that sound exactly the same so I hope there is some bands coming out that are looking to push in a new direction and keep things interesting.
Thank you for your time Ben, have a great night and Happy Thanksgiving. Thank you very much, cheers
P.S - I did ask if he was into Xbox, so it's this is not totally void of gaming. *smiley face* read more
Killing...it is in our genes from birth. Human kind has a blood lust, the same as vampires but in a different manner. In fact I believe that Vampires are a true bi-product of humanity. We see a car accident while driving, we slow down to have a look. A pair of planes misled themselves into a few towers, the whole world is on their feet. It has come to the point now that if World Peace was declared, most people would go insane from boredom and neck themselves. But then again, there would always been different ways to kill in video games.
* Sniper Rifles - Various Titles * Flame Throwers - Various Titles * The Cerebral Bore - Turok 2 * The Gravity Gun - Half Life 2 * The Fat Man - Fallout 3 * The Entire Ninja 2 Gaiden Arsenal * The Hand of God - Rise of the Triads * The Lancer - Gears of War (2)
* The BFG 9000 - Doom Series * Blades of Chaos - God of War Trilogy * Remote & Proximity Mines - Goldeneye 007 * The Tek Bow - Turok Series * The Combat Knife - Various Titles * The Plasma Grenade - Halo Trilogy * The Shrink Ray - Duke Nukem 3D * The Chainsaw - Doom Series
As in the previous two articles, we will be taking a look at the most inventive and colorful ways, to end a life in a video game. From 1 to 5, this is the criteria for which the arsenal shall be judged:
1) Originality - Has it been done before and can we get it on the black market? 2) Fun Factor - Is it fun to watch the life be taken in the fashion to which it is taken? 3) Gore Gauge - Will we need maxi-pads for the clean up? 4) Difficulty - Is it easy to use?
Of course I have not played every single video game the world has had to offer, so if you can contribute to the topic in any way, please feel free to do so. Today we will start with what people suggested in the previous installments.
The Transolcator Gun - Unreal Tournament Series As suggested by Abagnale
Way before the Portal Gun was released; this baby was being used for similar purposes. It functions as a weapon, a defensive device and a mode of movement to travel instantaneously from one location to another.
The Translocator consists of two parts, a source module and a destination module. Throw the destination module with the primary fire button; then press the secondary fire button to instantly teleport to the spot where the destination module landed. If you throw the destination module close enough to an enemy and then teleport there, you can "telefrag" your opponent, killing him and getting his weapon. This requires some skill to accomplish, but is extremely gratifying to pull off and results in an instant kill.
1) Originality - 4 - For the time it was revolutionary 2) Fun Factor - 3 - The traps you could set were always devious 3) Gore Gauge - 2 - Only when a successful 'telefrag' was granted did you see blood 4) Difficulty - 4 - Not an easy tool to use in the killing game
The Plastic Bag - Manhunt Also suggested by Abagnale
I remember watching Bad Boys when I was younger. That scene with Martin Lawence in the toilets where he gets plastic bagged right before he escapes and slams some dude's head into a urinal full of piss...classic. Around the same time Bad Boys was released, so was this title which was banned from many shelves due to the way you could dispose of people with every day home products such as The Plastic Bag. Here is an example of how to use one that my friend Pete and I put together for your viewing pleasure:
Pete and I did this for shits and giggles about 2 years ago
Manhunt's killing sequences would usually be controlled by a bunch of quicktime events that would continuously become more difficult to execute but if pulled off correctly, would result in an ultimate killing sequence which always had realistic visuals and sound effects to match. Not a pretty way to go.
1) Originality - 4 - No other game had it 2) Fun Factor - 5 - It never got old watching people squirm inside a plastic bag 3) Gore Gauge - 3 - The plastic bag executions never really made that much of a mess 4) Difficulty - 3 - It would vary depending on which execution you were going for
Nevan - Devil May Cry 3 Also suggested by Abagnale
Ok, so Devil May Cry may not be the most realistic combat simulator out there, but you gotta admit, it is killer fun to play. The combat and executions are so well balanced it would be hard to make this game NOT look cool. Much of the design in the Devil May Cry series revolves around the anime feel of sleek, slick and stylish which is not a bad thing. The weaponry in this game is usually always a great experience to toy around with, but no other weapon was more fun, nor more unpractical as this.
Pyrotechnics + Powerslides = WIN!
After defeating a boss who I would have rather had sex with than kill, she turns into a very awesome weapon for the main character Dante to use. The weapon is... get this, an electric guitar that transforms into a Scythe that cleaves and kills with a finesse and style that really can't be matched. It really is something you have to see for yourself which is why I added the video of Dante rocking out.
1) Originality - 5 - A very, very cool and original idea 2) Fun Factor - 5 - Its an electric guitar / massive scythe 3) Gore Gauge - 3 - Blood flows well 4) Difficulty - 3 - It was more difficult to use than the other weapons but who cares?
The Purple Shell - Mario Kart Series As Suggested by Celicacrazed
You remember this arsehole of a thing don't you? How could you forget...You are in the lead of an epic race with four of your friends on a huge track like Wario Stadium, you are coming to the final corner and closing straight, victory is so close you can taste it, your friends are not far behind you...but you know you have this in the bag, that is until a purple horned shell comes flying out of nowhere and rapes you to a dead stop while your three mates take first, second and third places.
You would either love or hate this thing, because in situations where you were falling way behind, you would most likely be given this to deal out justice for your shittiness. When fired, it would track down all the players ahead of you and take them out one by one and it would not stop until the player in first place was smashed. It is debated whether this or the lightning bolt are the best weapons in the game. I would vote this because the Lightning Bolt is pure and simply an easy way for the person in last place to catch up, while with the purple shell, he still has to earn his position in the race.
1) Originality - 3 - A seeker that knocks everything down 2) Fun Factor - 4 - It is very saisfactory to use and piss everybody off 3) Gore Gauge - 0 - Its a kids game 4) Difficulty - 2 - Just make sure you have a good strait to fire on
Altair's Blade - Assassin’s Creed As suggested by Ronburgandy2010
There were two things that made Assassin’s Creed get talked about amongst gamers more than anything else. The Swan Dive from the very tallest building, and Altair's Blade. Because we are dealing with weapons here I figured it would be best to discuss the blade.
Hidden from plain site, this blade is what makes the assassinations seem easy. It is quick and quiet and if executed at the right time can be unseen by any onlookers. Located on the forearm of its user Altair, it is activated by a slight twitch in his fingers which released the blade as his palm hits the enemy, making it look more like a palm to the side of the face, than a blade in the side of the neck. Very shroud.
1) Originality - 3 - Hidden weapons on the forearm have been seen before 2) Fun Factor - 4 - You'll be doing it for a while before boredom sets in 3) Gore Gauge - 3 - A blade to the neck is never pretty 4) Difficulty - 4 - Timing is everything, if you miss, you'll know about it
The BattleMech - Mechwarrior Series As suggested by Puppy Licks
The concept of the battle mech is one of the greatest I have ever heard of. Huge war machines that are piloted by men and women in opposing Clans against one another in a the 31st Century war-torn battle field. The Timberwolf / Madcat and Summoner / Thor(Pictured) being the most recognizable of all the mechs. Made in man's image, the battle mech will always consist of two legs which keep it upright, and two arms with assorted weaponry and the cockpit is usually located at the top or in the center. These things shit Death and eat War. There is no easy way of explaining how a battle mech works, so I will let this video do the talking for me:
Listen to the voice over in this...he means business.
1) Originality - 4 - A walking, killing, massive war machine 2) Fun Factor - 4 - The variety is like that of a car yard 3) Gore Gauge - 1 - Most kills are consumed in flames 4) Difficulty - 5 - The BattleMech is not an easy machine to use
Next to the common pistol or handgun, the shotgun is the most commonly used weapon in gaming. Most FPS will have a shotgun readily available from the beginning of the game, which will always come in handy for when you are running low on everything else. Able to blow a hole through almost any enemy within a few shots, it is the ideal weapon for clearing a path from where you are to the destination you want to get to.
Using cartridges instead of bullets, the Shotgun cartridge is full of tiny lead ball bearings which are forced out by the primer sparking up the packed gun powder at the steel end of the cartridge. Depending on the barrel length will usually determine the spread of the ball bearings. If the barrel is short the spread is wider, so it is more ideal for close range face destroying, where as a longer barrel would be best suited for a greater distance shot. One thing a player can always depend on is his shotgun and that’s because it never lets him down.
1) Originality - 1 - It is in almost every FPS 2) Fun Factor - 3 - Always a good time with a good kick 3) Gore Gauge - 3 - Usually will blow chunks off your foe's face 4) Difficulty - 2 - Just know when to reload because it takes time
The Sentry Turret - Team Fortress 2
This game is addictive, and the engineer is a cult favorite amongst many gamers for a reason. It is not just about running in with your guns blazing and hoping for the best. It is all about strategy. Where to place the turret, which direction to face it, where would it be less venerable to enemies, is it set up close to metal so I can repair and build it up quickly.
Coolest of the cool, smartest of the smart...
My turret kill streak record, without it being destroyed was 14 kills. That means that the opposing team could not get past my turret without dying at least 14 times. That comes in handy when trying to defend your capture points. It is great fun and satisfying if you know how to do it right and use your head. And no, I do not support setting up turrets where the glitches are in the maps.
1) Originality - 3 - It has been done before, but not as good as this 2) Fun Factor - 5 - This will NEVER get old...ever 3) Gore Gauge - 4 - When modified to the max, limbs go flying 4) Difficulty - 4 - Much to take into account, but the payoff is limitless
That's it from me for now so go and kill something in a creative fashion. read more
Sunday is a day that I usually sit back and reflect on the week that has just passed, and in doing so I usually think of something that really pisses me off. Inspired by Puppy Licks' brilliant article on humanity comparing the entertainment value of gaming against film, I have decided that we need to discuss what happens when the two are put together and how we as gamers feel forsaken with the end result.
- The Prologue -
For as long as I care to remember I have had to see the face of gaming get ripped apart from the rabid dogs who decide how an adaption is going to unfold. I have always been comfortable with my thoughts on how gaming is a much more submersive experience than watching and movie because it allows you to control how things unfold, or so it would have you believe. Most games are very linear in their narrative but still give us the impression that we are controlling how everything is going to play out but it usually has a very limited number of how things will end.
For one reason or another, when an adaptation is in the works which involves the cross over from video game to film or vice versa, we get our expectations rising to the occasion. But why?! Most of the people in charge of the adapation are in no way involved with the original product, which means that the soul is left with the original product and all that the public get is another B (or below) grade completion which confirms the voice in their heads. The voice that consistently reassures them that if they are not gaming, they aren't missing out on anything. In fact, it makes us Gamers look retarded to the rest of the world because what they get from our most cherished entertainment experiences is a regurgitated, under produced, over marketed piece of shit in pretty wrapping paper.
It has gotten to the point now that as soon as somebody mentions that a movie is an adaption of a video game, people automatically assume it is going to be a shit waste of 90 + minutes of their life and I don't blame em because I feel that we as gamers, have been cheated. Who I blame is everybody who allows these adaptions to take place the way they do and if I had more power than a keyboard and hands to type with I would find them all and eat their faces off.
- The Assumption -
Through my years of observation, I have come to see which sub categories within creative arts make decent films through adaption.
Your typical A grade adaption comes from the following:
- Short Stories (Momento, The Shawshank Redemption) - Comics (The Dark Knight, X-men 2) - Graphic Novels (Watchmen, The Crow) - Novels (Trainspotting, The Godfather) - True Story (Amadeus, Donnie Brasco) - Remakes (Dawn of the Dead, Scarface)
And your typical B (and below) grade adaption:
- Video Games (Streetfighter, Resident Evil)
What the fuck were Capcom thinking?
Now, call me crazy but something doesn't exactly look coshure with all this because I know for a FACT that the video games that I have played which have been adapted into terrible films, could have been put together in a much more artistic and complete manner. And don't get me started on the fan boys who will blindly love, defend and stupidfy themselves for a film that is an adaption of a game that they have dedicated so many hours of their life to and feel it is their duty to defend it's status amongst the shit reviews it gets.
You know, as well as I, these films are shit and if you think otherwise, I can flat out say strait up without any hesitation that your taste in film should have been buried with your last dead relative. And for the love of god, stop getting all pissy about what I am saying here because you know that if these films had nothing to do with the video games we love, you would think they were terrible too.
- The Process -
I swear to already know the exact process of a video game adapted film.
Step 1 - Men and Women in suits and dollar signs for eyes see a large enough fan base to make a profit from deceiving and stepping on the necks of that very same fan base while trying to look like they are embracing and sanctifying it.
Step 2 - The Men and Women in suits pitch this idea to other Men and Women who have the money to spend on making this abortion of an art piece.
Step 3 - The fan boys (being blindly in love with anything to do with whatever game they suck themselves off over) embrace the idea of having their love put on a pedestal for the world to see. They cherish the idea that the general public will also embrace this, hence extending it's fan base, and hence justifying the fan boys obsession with their diluted views on how this game IS God.
Step 4 - The adaption is completed and is B grade at best, the fan boys either cherish it for being an artful depiction of something they fap over or slag it for not holding up to how they think it should have been depicted to the rest of world.
Step 5 -The general public who have nothing to do with Gaming forget about the film in a week and decide that with each passing attempt of a film being adapted from a video game, that the gaming population are made of fail and aids.
- The Conclusion -
If you think I am an idiot, then just remember this, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (You know, the film that wasn't half bad in the eyes of others because it had a shower scene with Angela Jolie) is the top ranking video game adapted film taking in 131 million dollars world wide in total. While this may seem like a large figure to you, keep in mind that the comic book adaption, The Dark Knight, took in just over 150 million dollars in its first week at the box office..
The first 2 minutes of Postal must have been directed by somebody else!
And for the love of God's vagina! Don't you dare say that the Resident Evil film trilogy wasn't a bad bunch film adaptions. Bullshit! If Dawn of the Dead, 28 Days Later and 28 Weeks Later were the film adaptions to the Resident Evil trilogy, then I would agree with you, but they are not, they are great films that have absolutely NOTHING to do with the gaming industry. In closing, all I ask is that Uwe Boll stays the fuck away from Metal Gear Solid, Halo and The Darkness and if any other game studios allow him to insult the intelligence of us gamers, they deserve to have their game portrayed as entertainment for daft, shallow, uncultured morons.
If you prove me wrong I will actually be happy! read more
I have been on Destructoid for a little and have grown to really love it's community. I love to write articles on gaming and I find it easy to do with Destructoid. I am currently studying a Bachelor Degree of Communication (Journalism), so that one day I can hope to do this professionally.
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Destructoid is an independently-run publication forged by our love of video games and the gaming community's need of accountable enthusiast press living the dream since March 16, 2006
