I'm like... Newt Gingrich on LSD playing the kazoo -
OH YEAH. THAT'S NICE.
So, for lack of anything of value to put on this thing, I'm just going to put a few words said by people other than me.
"I hate dead people."
Oh, Paris, you so wacky!
Okay, that's it for the quotes. Nothing will top that one.
Incidentally, stop looking at me like that.
Just look at this.... makes things better
ALMOST ALL OF MY FAVORITE GAMES IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER Red Dead Redemption
Super Mario Brothers
Metroid: Zero Mission
All MGS Games
Beneath a Steel Sky
Super Meat Boy
CoD: Black Ops (OR - Carl of Duty: Black Cops)
Hotel Dusk: Room 215
The Orange Box (Technically cheating, I know)
Street Fighter IV
All Mother/Earthbound Games
All Legend of Zelda Games
Have you played one of these? I can guarantee right now you have. These games are the games that you think of whenever you hear "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds". These games, you think, how much did that LSD cost? At least, I do. I think it's because of this one project I had to do this one time where you had to do a detailed report on the effects of a drug. Because I was listening to the Beatles quite a lot, I immediately chose LSD (Lysergic acid diethylamide for those who didn't do a project on it). Effects include seeing bright colors, shapes, and surfaces sort of.... ripple, almost like a sea of psychedelia (I love that analogy). Also, time screws up. Your entire perception of it is turned on it's head. In Teletubbieland (no, think about it), time can seem much slower, or much faster. Also, that table may be a frog. Or, actually, no. It's a spice rack. Now it's a Dreamcast. It's basically like Altered States. These are the games that are like that. The movie. And the drug. But, I'm done with the reliving school project stuff. On with the list.
This is Altered States in a nutshell.
#10 - Kriss Kross: Make My Video Kriss Kross. They were a funny band. For all those who pushed the memories out of their heads, they were known for their ever so unique fashion of wearing their clothes backwards, and made three albums. Did I mention that the "band" consisted of two *cough, cough* teenagers? They rapped, as well. But, surprisingly they actually scored double platinum in 1992 for their song "Jump", which was #1 on th-e Billboard Hot 100 for eight weeks. That's nice. They got really popular for a short while, and in came a video game made of them. It was Kriss Kross: Make My Video. You were given a choice between three songs and then were told what you needed to have in the music video that you were going to make. You could choose between inserting videos of the group, stock footage, movie clips and special effects. The song then played and... you edited. Sounds okay, right? You know, not really fun (it sucked, incidentally) but not that weird either, right? I think you can guess. Wrong. Fucking wrong. Let me give you an example. On one section of the screen you could be playing a part from a previous music video, okay. Another section of the screen could be playing a scene from, say, some monster movie with a cyclops. Another section could have a repeating special effect. And there were four fucking screens. Not three, four! And they were playing rap music over it! Play ten minutes of that and life is just so... calm.
#9 - Michael Jackson's Moonwalker (The home console one) Based on the movie Moonwalker, in this game you play as Michael himself as he does stuff. It's a platformer, based on scenes from the movie. The gameplay mostly consists of *finding children*, all of which look like Katie, who are hid throughout the levels, and can be found be opening doors, boxes, etc, most of which hold enemies. Your attacks are his dance moves. So, Kick = DANCE MOVE. If you continue to press Kick, you'll do the Moonwalk. Also, there's a special move - spin. If you keep the spin move held down, you slowly lose health, although, If you hold it down for long enough, he'll throw his hat like a boomerang. Needless to say, if it hits an enemy, they die. If you hold it down for even longer, all the enemies will begin to dance.
Sometimes when you attack, a sound effect triggers. "Woo!"
And, his taunt move is a crotch grab.
There are five stages, (Club 1930s, Street, Woods, Cavern, and Enemy Hide Out) and on the final boss fight (at least on the Mega Drive), it switches to first person and Michael transforms into a space ship to fight Mr. Big. No, I'm one hundred percent serious. Also, the background music is his songs.
That was quite the game.
#8 - Switch/Panic! (Depending on what region you're in) Just barely fitting the definition of "game", in Switch, you just... watch this little cartoon character do this weird gags. Pretty much all you do is press buttons. You're presented with this grid, and on the grid there are these buttons that you press that trigger animations, or they teleport you into another room. But, here's the thing - you have no idea what the buttons do. They could mean game over, or just another animation. Also, there's a character called The Devil who watches your every move. Hmm. I wonder who that character is a reference to? But the thing is, the jokes/gags weren't even really that funny. They were just really really.... Japanese, and that's in no way an insult. You know what I'm getting at.
For instance, a series of "running" gags is blowing up landmarks.
It's that sort of thing throughout the entire game, and it does something to your head.
#7 - Seaman PHHAAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA- no, but really, all extremely obvious immature jokes aside, this game was fucking weird. I mean, look at that video. Hmm.
So, basically, you, the player, is supposed to care for this kind of fish like species thingy that has a human face. They're called "Seamen". You have to figure out how to keep these abominations of nature alive pretty much by yourself, although you do get a little help from the narrator Leonard Nimoy, as himself. Really. It's kind of like Tamagotchi, except a billion times weirder. You have to feed it and stuff, and sometimes it asks you what your birthday is. If you tell it the answer (which I highly advise against doing, it stole my identity once), it will inform you of other significant events that happened on that day. It also insults you. You can evolve it like Pokemanz with proper care. Yay.
#6 - Chex Quest Hey, look! It's Doom! But.. with... cereal? Kind of? I'm pretty sure we've all heard of this. It's actually not really that weird, I just had to include it because it's just such a crazy idea, although it does look like it was kind of LSD inspired. So, for those who have never heard of it for some reason, it is basically a total reskin of Doom. You play as a human who's armor is a piece of Chex Cereal, and you have to help the citizens of the planet Bazoik to reclaim their planet after being taken over by Flemoids. Your only weapon is a Zorcher, which teleports whatever it shoots, a nice alternative to killing whatever it shoots. It was included with boxes of Chex Cereal during 1996.
I mean, it's just so bizarre. Imagine how that went down at Chex Cereal.
"Hey, have you heard of that game Doom?"
"Why don't we put that with our cereal?"
"I just think it's not the greatest idea-"
"You're fired. So, it's gonna take place on the planet Bazoik and there's gonna be these things called Flemoids and-"
It just sounds like something a 5-year-old dreamed up after playing his older brother's copy of Doom. What's just so weird is grown people thought of this.
Although, I suppose it was being marketed to, well, five year olds.
Still, someone in an office actually had to think this up.
In an office?
#5 - WarioWare: Mega Microgames This is a genius concept. String a large amount of minigames together to make one whole game. And, it was awesome. WarioWare: Mega Microgames is one of my favorite video games of all time. Also, theirs no instructions for the minigames, so you have to figure out what to do and what buttons to press to do it, which makes it extremely frantic and extremely fun. But, the minigames were just so damn weird. I mean, here's a quick list of a few.
- Pick nose
- Swat fly
- Shoot a basket
- Jump over a potato
- Grab all coins in a Pac-Man like maze
- Dodge giant boulders
- Jump on a goomba
- Hit a punching bag
And these are just a few. Also, remember, they're all strung together and each one lasts five seconds. Total insanity. Also, the story is.... what? All of these madcap characters are trying to get to this gelato store, I think?
Also, apparently, dogs can be taxi drivers. Is that... legal?
#4 - Parappa The Rappa In this game, you play as a rapping dog. His motto is "I gotta believe!".
Do I really need to explain farther? You know what, don't answer that, I want to.
This game is so insane it's amazing, and I love it. Basically, the reason the dog is rapping is because he needs to use the bathroom. He needs to rap to get to the front of the line. Some of his opponents include an anthropomorphic onion, a moose, a frog, a chicken who hosts a cooking show (best idea ever), and a spider that hosts parties.
You rap by pressing the buttons on the controller in the correct order, kind of like Simon, except your timing needs to be correct as well. This game is commonly acknowledged as one of the first rhythm-music games to be made, and has left a great legacy. Who knew a rapping dog could change an industry? Anyway, it's great and totally weird. And I know that this isn't a review, but I just feel obliged to say that if you haven't played it, you should do yourself a favor and try it out.
#3 - Noby Noby Boy I'm just going to go deadpan on my explanation of this one because that's the only way you can do it without giving yourself a migraine.
You play as giant worm who's name is BOY. The left analog stick controls the front of BOY and the right controls the back. You can also stretch BOY by moving the analog stick in opposite directions. You maneuver around in a city of some sort. There are houses, trees, etc. Also, cows. There are no goals except for one that can't even really be called a "goal". The game records how much you've stretched per game and then sends them to GIRL, who stretches that amount, but there's just one GIRL. As in, everyone who plays it contributes to the length of GIRL.
Okay, what the hell.
It's like Katamari if it took double it's usual portion of LSD. I mean, my god. That's reaching toxic levels.
When asked why he made the game, the developer responded, "Seriously, I don't know."
I made a timeline.
5 Minutes - What is this I don't even
10 Minutes - Pause, contemplate for five minutes
15 Minutes - Unpause game
17 Minutes - Pause game again
20 Minutes - Turn off game, go see psychiatrist and/or take some form of drug to make things normal again
#2 - Cho Aniki Okay. So, Cho Aniki. I'm sure a couple of you have heard about this one. It was never released out of Japan, for one thing, until it was released on the Wii's Virtual Console. The translation of the name is "Super Big Brothers". So, the gameplay is sort of like Gradius. That is, if you replaced all set pieces with half naked to three quarters naked males. The plot is that Bo Emperor Bill (Botei-biru in Japanese, which is a pun of body-builder) is running out of protein. He has to invade neighboring star systems to replenish his supply. The Heaven Realms (a galaxy) send out two people to stop him, Idaten and Benten. So, all right, to be fair, you can play as Benten, a girl, technically making it the most heterosexual game you've ever seen. But, you can't ignore the fact that you can also play as a guy, thus making it the most blatantly homosexual game you've ever seen. Also, really, when you play as the guy it just fits more. Kind of. I can't really describe it.
#1 - Super Mario Brothers Aha, yes. You think I'm being funny. You think I'm just doing this to be like "OMG, really?".
No, actually think about it. Think about it.
You play as a fat Italian plumber who's girlfriend (A fucking princess?) is stolen by an over-sized turtle/dragon. He has to save her. There are mushrooms the size of a grown man. There are walking mushrooms. There are smaller turtles that attack you. You can travel through the plumbing system to advance faster. I mean, wow.
Face it. If you saw that anywhere except for a videogame, you'd wonder what the hell the makers were thinking. But because it's a videogame, you take it in stride. Fat plumber jumping own body height? Sure, no problem! A talking mushroom named Toad? Yeah, why not! A turtle bigger than you? Okay!
And when they made it into a movie?
"Whoah, that's weird, man."
NO IT WASN'T! IT WAS THE SAME STORY! IT'S JUST WHEN YOU PUT IT IN FILM, YOU DON'T ACCEPT IT AS EASILY!
Well, anyway, yeah. That's all I have for now.
Hope you enjoyed.