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6:27 PM on 02.19.2014

[NVGR] Prepare yourself, Idaho: I'm about to come inside you


Me in Idaho

Hello Dtoiders! As some of you may already know, my wife recently got a new job, so my family will be moving to Boise on March 8th. I will continue working at my same day job (from home) and also performing my Dtoid duties (hehe, doody), so not much will change... other than the fact that I will have no IRL friends to play couch co-op with and touch in romantic ways after too many beers.

And so, I write this blog with one simple plea: are there any Boise-area Dtoiders out there? And if so, will one of you be my friend?

Thanks <3   read


3:43 PM on 01.23.2014

Occams electric toothbrush is your new Cblog Manager



It's been a long time coming. (Like my wiener!)

As my daily duties direct my attention elsewhere and I find myself being pulled in more directions than my penis when my wife and kids are gone for the weekend and I have the house to myself, I've found myself more and more in need of someone who can offer the Community Blogs the love and attention they truly deserve. Someone to laugh with you. Someone to cry with you. And someone to fucking cut you when you post four goddamn blogs back to back promoting your goddamn YouTube videos.

Well after some serious soul searching (I am the king of alliteration) and more than a few faps, it hit me (not the fap): what better person to fill that role than the only man I've ever allowed to wear my robe*?!


*Not true. Many men have worn my robe. I am a slut.

Occam's role here will be much the same as Mxy's and Bloodspray's in the Forums: help new members find their voice (and not piss off the rest of us), encourage fun and fruitful discourse, and be your go-to guy for all things bloggin'. I mean, the dude's already here 24/7, so I might as well give him a job, right?

With Occam's help, I also hope to give a jump-start to the fledgling blog promotion process, which I have sadly not been able to stay on top of by myself. Between the two of us, we will certainly see a lot more promote-able blogs than any one man could on his own (because my two eyes + his three eyes = five eyes), so please, PLEASE keep writing them!

And that's about it! Let's all give Occam a hearty reacharound I MEAN CONGRATULATIONS and wish him well with his new gig. Together -- and that includes you! -- we will inject a bit of much-needed and long-overdue love juice back into this place, and I can't wait to see where we go from here.

See ya, ya fucks!

  read


12:50 PM on 12.25.2013

Merry Christmas from the Dixons



Merry Christmas!

I just wanted to take a moment to let you all know how much you mean to me. If it weren't for Destructoid, I wouldn't be half the person -- half the husband, half the father, half the man -- I am today. This place means the world to me, and I couldn't -- wouldn't! -- do it without each and every one of you!

I hope you all have a wonderful whatever-it-is-you-celebrate-this-time-of-the-year. I love you all!   read


11:19 PM on 11.10.2013

I FP'd five cblogs this weekend (and I want to do more)



Here and here and here and here and here.

I want to start doing this every weekend. Let's take over the front page! "Dtoid Community Weekends." Help me make it happen.

Go create something beautiful. Or awful. Or hilarious. Or insightful. I don't care what. Just go create.

Have I missed something of yours recently? I couldn't be more sorry. Please never hesitate to email me a link; you'd be surprised how many blogs hit the front page just because someone bugged me about them.

That's all.



<3   read


5:15 PM on 10.24.2013

Dear Dtoiders



"Also, cocks" is gone. The "Fap" button is gone. Chad, Colette, Brad, Samit, Uncle Reg, and every other person and thing you've ever loved is gone. And it's safe to say none of them are coming back.

But Dtoid is not gone. We're right fucking here. There may be some new writers on the front page and new usernames in the comments and blogs, but the heart and soul of this place lives on as long as Yanier Gonzalez is still pushing buttons behind the scenes and sometimes also breaking things but it's OK because we love you boss please don't fire me.

At one point, you were new here and you didn't know anybody. And then eventually you knew everybody. And then either you or everybody you knew left and now there's all these new people and it sucks. I get it. I really do. Things change. Sometimes that's scary. When your favorite commenters, bloggers, or writers leave, something irreplaceable is lost that no amount of new people can ever replace. It sucks. And there's nothing we can do about it.



Or is there? People may come and go, but it's up to those of us who stay behind to adapt and keep this place as fun and active a community full of fun and active people as we can. It's up to us.

So you say you wanna start having fun again? Then fucking start having fun again. The Cblogs are yours. The comments are yours. What's the fucking problem?

There's no denying that this industry is changing. "Maturing," some might say. (I wouldn't.) Yes, serious topics like sex and race are going to be discussed. Yes, people you don't agree with are going to be interviewed. That's just an inevitability as more and more people becoming interested in our hobby, and it's not going to change. But these are still videogames, and they're still meant to be fun. But they're only going to be as fun as we want them to be.

I'm not advocating turning "serious" articles into dumping grounds for your random gifs. Let the people who like talking about such things have their forums; it literally DOES NOT AFFECT YOU THAT SUCH THINGS EXIST. But when a boring or questionable news article gets posted, it's OK to fill it with images of people eating salad. Failblogs are great places to sing Journey songs together. Slow day in the Cblogs? Write a silly blog. Start a silly meme. Potatoes. Mazmar. Whatever. Do fun things. This isn't a license to be a fucking asshole, just a reassurance that neither I nor anyone under my authority will stand in your way of just having a good, lighthearted time.

I don't mod comments or blogs for being off-topic; if I did, this guy would have been banned years ago. I mod comments when the person who wrote them is being a fucking asshole. So don't be a fucking asshole and we'll never treat you like one. It's OK to disagree with people, and it's OK to say as much. But it's not now and never has been OK to treat people like shit, and anyone who misses "the good old days" where they could was never a true Dtoider to begin with.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on the matter. I'm going to go masturbate on the toilet now.

Write some Cblogs, ya dicks.   read


12:21 AM on 10.24.2013

Dear Dtoid

  read


11:50 AM on 08.26.2013

Sign up to wear the Mr Destructoid helmet at PAX!



If you're going to PAX this weekend, you owe it to yourself to take the new Mr Destructoid helmet for a spin! This thing is ULTRA light (you seriously have to wear it to believe it) and you will have a BLAST walking around the convention with it!

So what are you waiting for? Click here to sign up for a slot before they're all gone!   read


10:48 PM on 08.22.2013

What's your favorite thing Destructoid ever did?



After seeing the Mega Man Maker (part of our Golden Archives) up on the front page again, it got me thinking: what's your favorite thing Dtoid ever did?

The Dtoid staff and community have come up with some fantastic "stuff" over the past seven years or so, but my personal highlight was probably the "real Dead Island experience" video our old Editor in Chief Nick Chester put together a couple years back.

Don't remember it? Here:



Now, I may be a little bias because of what happens at about the 2:40 mark (hint: that's my kid), but that video was just simple, lighthearted fun, and every time I think about it I smile.



Some of my other favorites were Jim's Geddy Lee 3DS video, Chad's wonderful E3 predictions posts, that month when Watdoom took over (thanks, Gobun), everything this guy ever did, and definitely this ("she said yes!").

Such good memories :) What about you guys? What's your favorite thing Dtoid ever did?   read


11:13 AM on 08.19.2013

How to adopt an avatar for PAX (and why you should)!



HOLY SHIT PAX IS NEXT WEEK!! We get a lot of questions about avatar adoption around this time every year -- namely, "What the fuck is avatar adoption?!" -- so I've put together a quick FAQ for those of you unfamiliar with this long-standing Dtoid tradition. This literally affects EVERY Dtoider -- yes, even you! -- so please read on to see how you can get involved!

What the fuck is PAX avatar adoption?!

Sadly, not every Dtoider gets to attend PAX. Whether they live too far away, don't have the funds for the trip, or simply can't escape for the weekend, dozens (maybe billions!) of your internet friends will never know the joy of playing videogames in the rain (because Seattle).

For these poor souls, we have the PAX Adopt-an-Avatar program! By harnessing the power of paper and ink, adoptees are able to vicariously enjoy the glory that is PAX no matter what their situation! Their avatars will mingle with Internet celebrities, wrap their thin, papery hands around the hottest new releases and upcoming games, and drown their pulpy livers in drink with the Dtoid staff and community (avatars must be 21-or-older to imbibe alcohol). Pretty neat!

So how does it work? It's pretty simple, really...

I can't make it to PAX. How do I get my avatar adopted?

All you have to do is ask! If you're unable to attend but love the idea of living vicariously through one of your Dtoid compatriots, just post a blog here in the Cblogs or start a thread over in the Forums detailing why yours is an avatar worth adopting! Then, assuming a loving parent-to-be comes along and offers you a new home, you'll provide them with a high-resolution copy of your avatar (something that will look good printed out) and cross your fingers that they'll love you like their own!

bbain has already gotten the ball rolling; follow his example if you're stuck on what to do!



What can I expect if my avatar is adopted?

The level of involvement and creativity is different for each "parent", but here are some possibilities:

You'll be in a lot of pictures.

This one is pretty much a given. Adopting an avatar is a great excuse for people to bug Internet celebrities for their picture. "Hey, you're famous internet celebrity Jonathan Holmes! Could I take my picture with you? You know... for the avatar?"

You'll see said pictures in a recap blog or forum post.

Again, this one is pretty much a given. Half the fun of adopting an avatar comes with recapping the events of the weekend in a post-PAX post for all of Dtoid to see. (Here's an example of one I particularly enjoyed. Individual results may vary!)

Other things might happen.

WHO KNOWS?! The only guarantee is that everyone involved will have a blast!



I'm going to PAX, and I really want to adopt so-and-so's avatar. What do I do?

Tell them! Just send them a PM and work out the details! Then, once you're both on the same page, simply print out a copy of their avatar and bring it with you to PAX! Take them with you everywhere you go, and try to be as creative as possible... but most of all, HAVE FUN!

And that's all there is to it! If you have any further questions just ask here in the comments. And for those of you unable to attend PAX and want your avatar adopted... WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! Your would-be-parent is waiting!   read


4:06 PM on 08.16.2013

Here, have some more Skullgirls PC beta keys



Now that Chilly's taken over FNF, I feel like there's a giant void inside me that needs filling. I mean, I need SOMETHING to keep me occupied once fapping's rubbed my pud raw and my iPhone's battery has died, leaving me to poop in silence.

So here, have some Skullgirls PC beta keys (redeem via Steam):

3A76P-TEV04-7V55P
3B93B-TE3J6-2NFEZ
3CV6P-B8WPG-8ELGQ
3DQPE-AENA9-GFXI0
3DRYP-TYHIW-D5GIA
3E942-3D9D3-7RXMI
3EC5N-W4LIA-6Z9KT
3FFL5-3ZXGI-TTADE
3GBAN-VVZHR-CZPD5
3GGPI-MZDTV-CZJEL
3GQVY-6LHM7-3E7ZN
3H3II-LV5XI-R7FCJ
3HLR5-F8G6H-I8NDC
3IARX-C4ZPR-BGZND
3J225-32VYX-33GE3
3JQCY-NJJPW-8BZ64
3KHVN-YTQB0-V3AHP
3L6RQ-V2LGZ-FEEA6
3L7Y6-3IXIT-KIL84
3NE02-XNJTD-R4IZH
3QC70-DCLA9-DQJG2
3RRB4-KZV89-6D3BG
3RXWE-ZH65Y-6QBRC
3T8EL-B5JGA-3KGAY
3VM0H-RF9RV-VVYPP
3WJD4-L6D7F-3N2XM
3WQCB-XPY03-3D68F
3X8GE-25NYX-DYIT2
3XLEE-A5TEF-3TE8R
3ZBBN-F68EY-DD8Q6
3ZG88-D76ZW-4K6LL
40IIB-KEEEQ-KBR7J
43PB0-0X4R5-JI4VH
44GYR-627QJ-XK5QM
44QI6-ZW4JJ-PZ8KC
44XA7-3HVYE-NF9NN
44YYR-E5IDV-5J07E
44ZMB-2XQKN-EYCDV
45EBB-JK0HP-W9A62
45LYZ-E79TT-DM4AF
46DE8-BY7N4-DJMVD
47HGK-N0VYN-R0Y6M
48QKJ-AFP3T-8M0CA
49P0A-P95Y2-0E554
4B5XZ-KHLBZ-0GN9K
4BKVB-JGL88-LT8EX
4BLLA-T837F-JKN49
4CCKN-5QPTT-F6JNM
4DWE5-WNW38-RQIPJ
4EEMJ-PIL8K-K0RCA
4F4T3-2TPYI-0EDFT
4GB05-KR43R-WTCR7
4GPIN-RCV3I-H8RJH
4GXIV-VGMIW-9PFIL
4H02G-T366P-7RL6I
4KI9E-HTAJ8-QL88T
4KJLA-T8L02-GXL3W
4NIBR-FAK9W-TFE8G
4P93A-4AJQP-LQV4B
4PQ98-89K08-8HAD2
4QWAB-03YRE-ZK09Q
4RPP7-E9KVG-JQTIJ
4TBWT-473A5-ARKKJ
4V4R7-KZXX2-7LWM2
4VR3E-YTDR5-TJBLR
4W9R4-E0LIV-QA0V6
4WA0J-97P2J-BTC4C
4YARF-MKCX4-MWJJ6
4YDW4-CN0H8-8GMDD
4YF0H-5IX47-BYY5V
4ZZ63-C0M3Z-NC4JW
50VXQ-Q2WDE-AH0KA
53H2A-F32J6-N738E
53KTK-XHRMH-E4LWP
556JE-WILWK-IQD8Z
55YML-2ZL7V-L7EPI
57DHH-C7W3H-FTE4G
58DN3-HHQID-47A2Q
58MXG-0F4N3-ICJIN
58XNQ-C9798-HW8NY

And here are some Doodle Jump Kinect keys I found lying around, for those of you who hate yourselves:

KQ2FK-HK7P2-J4M99-F2XKJ-PGX2Z
DQ2HJ-K6D7R-7M7Q3-RFHFK-T37FZ
W33CH-H42FG-X2G7V-7KKHC-GCP2Z
DD4K2-VMT62-QRYQQ-4WXRG-3CR4Z
FVMVW-FTFFT-KH74C-YXXHJ-KKR2Z
CYKTG-XDC2Q-Q636W-2XCD2-C9H4Z
2FPT6-33JQF-XRFVJ-6DM4C-MMVPZ
3X9K4-RH6Y7-P942X-C3XKH-73DMZ
VJTK9-K3XHR-2T947-QJHWF-G7JDZ
VF2CW-GG3RX-3H4G9-4VMPD-2WMYZ
DQKR7-XDXY2-YV9G2-WKPF4-HWKMZ
QM64G-2G69F-4KPYM-W9XY4-QP9TZ
KCQPP-4VP6F-26WV9-F6YTH-YK2YZ
VWK93-9HTVJ-CG6P3-RF26M-7H7KZ
C9YTW-PPGT6-PM3TY-JWW2J-6HVGZ
HV7YM-WC9H2-TY2VD-2JYGG-JGPPZ
GVRMF-7JMDV-Q447V-K2XXW-W4VYZ
CPH9R-VXYGR-YGQJJ-47VF7-PKVVZ
KDWQY-CKH2F-3W934-939VY-97CJZ

Have a great weekend!

  read


1:46 PM on 07.19.2013

Who wants to be on the Friday Night Fights banner?


This image is only intended to show Mikey's style. Our doodles will be bigger (since there won't be so many of them) and interacting with one another :)

UPDATE 2: Check Mikey's blog for more info and some concept art!

UPDATE: Everyone who has posted a pic/weapon choice in the forum thread should have received a PM from me. If you haven't, please PM me and let me know! And if you haven't submitted your face/weapon ideas yet, do it now! You only have until August 9th!

Friday Night Fights has just commissioned a new blog banner from none other than Mikey Turvey, and YOU have the chance to be on it!

That's right, for just $10, you'll get a Lil' Doodle version of yourself (sporting your choice of weapon) which will be featured on the official Friday Night Fights banner for the rest of eternity. Here's an FBI mockup of what mine might look like:


Big fucking gun

Sound like something you might be interested in? Of course it does! To sign up, just head on over to the forums and post a pic of yourself along with your favorite weapon. (I'll PM people payment details from there.) Once Mikey's received the list of names, photos, and weapon choices, he'll draw a 1000x450 banner featuring all of us fighting each other. Bad. Ass.

So who's in?! You have until the end of the day on Friday, August 2nd to get your name on the list, after which Mikey will begin work on what's sure to be his masterpiece.

Yay!   read


6:21 PM on 06.13.2013

What's in Jonathan Holmes' mouth?



I created the #HolmesHole you see above as an early birthday present for Jim (I'm sure you can figure out why), but the moment I posted it to the Podtoid Facebook group the community embraced it with open mouth. So far we've seen a HolmesHoleInOne, a DoughnotHolmes, a XenoHolmes, a WillemDaHolmes, and more.

So now I put the question to you, fair Dtoiders: what's in Jonathan Holmes' mouth?

(Keep it safe for work, please!)   read


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