Hello, fellow Dtoiders. In the context of a creative writing class I thought I could finally get some introductory blog up in this bitch.
Well then, let's pop this fucker in. Power on.
Day X.XX.1985. The world lies in ruin. Just a small ray of hope penetrates the dark clouds.
Title screen. New Game. Parents, please enter the name of the protagonist.
"D.A.W *whoops* ← *delete* V.I.D". DAVID, please confirm.
So it begins. Spawning point Cologne, Germany.
Do you want to play the tutorial level?
Yes, I wanna do that. Okay, let's go. You start with one twelfth of a heart, try not to die, you only have one life.
After absolving the first part of the tutorial our hero – he has now two hearts – has learned to walk, has begun to talk and stopped shitting himself.
-TROPHY UNLOCKED: About damn time!-
So, the hero ventured forth through the rest of the tutorial like it's kindergarten. Once he accumulated six hearts he entered the first dungeon the elementary temple. There he faced many perils, yet he was not helpless. Right before his departure his father had taken him aside and told him "Oh, boy, oh, boy. It is dangerous to go alone. Take this." and handed him a GameBoy with Tetris and Super Mario Land.
-TROPHY UNLOCKED: Hooked!-
Obviously this new tool had to be mastered by the hero, so he spent several years honing his skills with this fascinating machine. His family, his most loyal ally on his quest, supplied him from time to time with new modules, for example Quarth, Alleyway, Pokemon Red, Super Mario Land 2, Warioland, Empire strikes back, Return of the Jedi and many more. Sure, he struggled with some of them but in the end he bested them all – except one but more on that later - and grew stronger and stronger. Amazed by the challenge the games presented there was no road trip, no train ride and no boring sunday afternoon at the grandparent's place without GameBoy.
This was the source of his interest in gaming. At this point gaming culture still meant nothing to him, he didn't even bother with magazines about games. Still there was something more in him, like a hunger for things he didn't even know yet.
He gained further knowledge about games and things called consoles from friends traversing the dungeon and overworld. When he was at their places or looking for potions in a department store with demo consoles he would sometimes play Super Nintendo but it wasn't until he sported eleven hearts and entered the next difficult dungeon that he heard of the magical artifact called PlayStation.
Ecstatic about new stories and ideas to experience he summoned his allies to help him get this artifact. Shortly after he gained his twelfth heart he could call a PlayStation his own. First games: Cool Boarders 2, Broken Sword 2 and a load of demo Cds.
Great games followed. Along came characters bringing with them rich stories, tense atmospheres, fun gameplay, folks like Solid Snake, Brian Fury and Lei Wulong, Dan Fortesque, Aya Brea, Chris Redfield, Jill Valentine, Ryu (the one from BoF), Crash, Spyro, Cloud, Squall, Zidane, Abe, Justin and Feena to name a few.
That being said, our hero was not of the sequestered kind. He loved (and still loves) gaming with friends. Crash Team Racing, Bishi Bashi Special et alii were (and are) pretty big in his party of compadres.
To further explore new training methods the hero travelled through the world, through multiple worlds to be precise. On this journey he learned from the best. The sage Tellah taught him about Banjo-Kazooie and Ocarina of Time. Further he was schooled in Insult Swordfighting by Eric the Swift, Baleog the Fierce and Olaf the Stout. He even succeeded to rescue a shit ton of Lemmings on the way to Baldur's Gate. So he ended up harnessing an almost unholy fusion of PlayStation, PC and N64.
-TROPHY UNLOCKED: Three-Headed Lombax!-
Leaving behind the second biggest monkey head David had ever seen, he wandered the lands until he had gained four more hearts. While grinding in a side-dungeon he stumbled upon the biggest treasure he had found up until then. It was an elegant black box. After thorough inspection it became clear that it was a better version of the PlayStation.
What he found with the help of the black box was sheer impressive. The power to control the sands of time; with this power he could even make the devil cry. Not long after that he started a band with two friends to alleviate the burden every adventurer carries. Playing the bass for some time his instrument suddenly mutated into a smaller, red plastic version. Stunned with disbelief he tried to use the plastic thing with the new PlayStation. The ground started shaking around him and lightning filled his eyes. In the same instance he knew he had become a legend of rock. With the power of rock he could defeat his next enemy, the god of war Dark Adonis.
-TROPHY UNLOCKED: Time to split!-
He looted the body and moved on. On his way David found two more artifacts, a GameCube and finally, FINALLY a Super Nintendo. Both of which broadened his fisherman's horizon even further.
On his journey, one sidequest was particularly important for the hero, namely the discovery of the magical land of Destructoid.
How the hero found his way here is quite an adventure. It started with frequenting the social network Myspace. There our protagonist was mostly interested in independent music acts. On one fateful day he discovered some grindcore band which despite less than mediocre music awakened his short time interest with songs like "Pope mobile drive by" and "Bringing invisiblity to a gun fight" (two of the harmless titles). Well, then he saw that some hot chick with red dyed hair posted a comment on the band's page. Making his babysteps in cyberstalking he visited her profile to check her out and saw something hitting home concerning his humour: A webcomic from Cyanide and Happiness. After becoming totally hooked on the comic (and later on webcomics in general) he joined a "Cyanide and Happiness" group in another social network. In that group some guy organized a centralized buying of C&H t-shirts. David was checking out the Splitreason store for a shirt when something caught his eye. It was a name, Destructoid. And when he saw a t-shirt with a dandy looking robot dude exclaiming "STFUAJPG!" there was no return.
Curious of nature the hero asked the wise man Google to find out what this magical word meant. And Google led him to the best place in the interwebs. Period.
-TROPHY UNLOCKED: MADE US WHOLE!-
My sis and me, some time ago
Several levels later, present day. The health meter shows 25 hearts, several stats are maxed, Omnislash and Heartbreaker are learned. Our hero achieved Master form. Through meditation, asceticism and a moonstone the PlayStation2 evolved into a PlayStation3. This is the current training ground of the hero where he uses all of his experience to go even further, over the edge, to uncharted regions, through a crack in time, across the vast, dead space ocean to little big planets.
-TROPHY UNLOCKED: Kaiser form!-
Hi, guys, story’s over. Hope you didn’t get bored.
The main reason why I want to get into blogging in general is to preserve and develop my English language skills. Destructoid in particular, of course, because of my interest in gaming and gaming culture. When I started reading Destructoid on the 26th November of 2007 (yep, I know the exact date, beat that) I was quite impressed by the cultural and sometimes even philosophical approach to videogames. Two series I really loved were “The Fear” and “The Memory Card”, because I could relate to some of these experiences.
In the last year I began to pay more attention to the community aspect of Destructoid and read the C-Blogs frequently. I liked what I saw and now I’m here. Let’s see where this leads.
Well, what’s left to say? Maybe a list of some favs and current games.
Some of my favourites:
God of War 2, Devil May Cry 3, Timesplitters 3, Uncharted 2, Mirrors Edge, Chrono Trigger, FF VII – IX, Oddworld: Abe's Exoddus, Shadow Hearts 2 and 3, Guitar Hero 2 and 3
Deadspace 2, Minecraft, Little Big Planet 2, Demons Souls, Empire strikes back (yeah, the one I mentioned above. I never finished this piece in thirteen years or so! This game is so hard and unforgiving that, well, it’s hard as fuck!! BUT I got my GameBoy out again for long train rides and I still want to finish that little bitch.)
-TROPHY UNLOCKED: Also, cocks!-