Who am I you ask? Well I guess my story starts some time around the early eighties. As my apartment had strangely gotten a lot smaller over the last months, I thought it would be a good idea to redecorate it. I was leaning back in my sofa, going through the new Ikea catalog when I was suddenly hit by a massive earthquake. As much as I tried to hold my ground, I was propelled head first into that strange tunnel at my front door. I had been wondering where that leads but never had the courage to check it out.
After a long and bumpy ride, I finally stuck my head out the other end and saw daylight. Before I had a chance to adjust to my new environment, a big man wearing some kind of a lab coat and face mask grabbed hold of me. He was a despicable man really. Not only did he cut my food supply line, he also held me upside down in the air and slapped me right on the butt! What did I ever do to him?! Just when I was about to stick it to him, my attention was averted to this tired looking lady lying on a bed nearby.
It was very strange. Do you know that feeling when you meet somebody for the first time, yet you feel like you have known each other all along? I had this feeling when I saw her. That's when it occurred to me. This woman must be my landlady and I had been neglecting my rent for a few months after all. I could understand that she was upset but still... She had no right to turn me over to that sadistic bull in his white coat! I thought that me and her were going to have a long and personal conversation but right now, I just wanted to take a shower. That tunnel I had just been through wasn't all that clean after all.
Fortunately this other lady dressed in white was a lot nicer than her butt-slapping friend. She most kindly helped me clean myself and then handed me some warm, although not very fashionable garments. She carried me over to my landlady and I prepared to negotiate the rent but instead, my landlady threw me a warm smile and pressed me against her breast so lovingly that I melted like snow to the sun. She and her equally loving husband took me to their home where they had a room prepared with a bed in exactly my size and all kinds of lovely little things to play with. It's like they had been planning to take me in all along.
I didn't quite understand the strange language both of them spoke but yet I figured out that her name was Mom and crying meant "Food please", "Hug me" and "Clean me" all at the same time. The temperature wasn't as constant as my previous home but still, this was some service! Anyway, I would wander around this place for the time being while gradually learning to speak their language. It would take seven years before I really found out what my purpose here was.
One fine morning, Mom brought me to a supermarket and I saw a little mustached guy jumping around on a TV. That was my first encounter with the Nintendo Entertainment System! This thing blew my mind in so many ways! I had heard of princesses being kidnapped by dragons before but where's the prince to save her? No, there is no prince! This time it's a fat Italian plumber with a mustache who gets to be the hero! Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Power to the common man! Not only that but rather than simply hear his tale, I could actually help him in his quest. Though Mom seemed quite unimpressed, I knew I had witnessed a miracle and it would leave a mark on my life for years to come.
I'd often get into fights with Mom after that. She wanted me to go outside and play with my friends but what did she know? After all, all of my friends were living in similar warm nests, receiving the same service from two other persons who were somehow all named Mom and Dad. No, my purpose in life was bigger than that. As much fun as playing with my friends was, If I did that then who would save princess Peach, liberate the kingdom of Hyrule and smite the evil king Dedede? I just couldn't ignore the sorrow of the weak!
It wasn't until another seven years or so that I would see what a fool I had been. Up until now, I had been carrying the weight of the world on my own shoulders while completely ignoring the help others could have offered. I was determined to never close my eyes to the value of friendship again! Especially in these dark times. I was barely finished helping Dr. Freeman escape the resonance cascade alive when bands of terrorists attacked and dragged his scientist colleagues off to cs_assault. This was too much for just me to handle. This time I needed help!
Anyone who doesn't believe in the kindness of strangers is a moron. I mean sure, strangers aren't always nice. I've been told that I SuX0rz and have been called a n00b a million times but even then, it's worth it. As it so happens, it were these very strangers that padded me on the back and reassuringly shouted "Lock and Load!" before we stormed the big garage and got every single scientist out while making a fair buck in the process. Unfortunately our happiness was short lived as a new batch of terrorists arrived and we were right back where we started. Rather than sigh over the shortness of our victory, we bought ourselves a new pack of heavy guns and rushed in once more. No matter how many times the terrorists came back, we'd bring them to justice!
Time went on and the terrorists got more and more violent. Now they didn't only take hostages any more but also planted bombs and tried to assassinate seemingly random VIPs. Our combined efforts were no longer enough. We needed more coordination. We needed a plan! We had to Look at the map and devise a clever strategy. As much as I tried this, people were joining and leaving our counter-terrorist squad with every tick of the clock. Some of them even switched sides to join the terrorists. I engaged in conversation with several of the better fighters. We decided to join together regularly and learn how to fight as one. You could even go as far as to call us a counter-strike clan! For years we battled the forces of evil and shed much blood until I finally left the front as I heard of another land in need.
So many years ago I had liberated the town of Tristram from Diablo, the lord of terror. The hero I helped out at the time had drilled the dark lord's soul stone right into his own forehead. What an idiot! Needless to say, Diablo soon overpowered this weak excuse for a savior and continued to live on, inhabiting the former hero's body. "Man", I thought. "I've gone through all of this before, I'm not doing it again or at least... Not alone!" Fortunately my plea for help didn't leave me waiting as several friends showed up and we entered a new clan to smite that demon once and for all! After taking care of business in the chaos sanctuary, laying waste to Baal, the lord of destruction and even single handedly obliterating several acres of murderous cows, it was time to put my swords and bows to rest once more.
Since that time, my clan based activity has settled down and I remain to fight on the side of good with smaller bands of friends while every now and then fondly remembering those good old days. Most of all, I tend to leave the real action up to others as I watch from the sidelines. Especially a Korean man named Jaedong shows particular excellence in leading the Zerg to victory against the evil Protoss at general Bisu's command and admiral Flash' corrupted Terran whom I wish all to be infested for greater good.
I thank you for taking the time to read about my life. Perhaps our paths may once cross in the endless online battlefields and until then, luck be with you.
As we all know, Destructoid is turning four next week. Jordan has already written his collection of wacky memories and now Hamza is encouraging the community members to do the same. I have only been here for a few months so I'm not really the best person for the job. Even so, I am starting to feel more and more attached to this place as both time and blogs go by. Even though I haven't got a big set of memories yet, I'd still like to take a little time to write about how Destructoid has stolen my heart.
For me the story begins in January 2009, long before I ever set foot in this geek haven. I had this really boring job at a company that you should all hate. The management was too retarded to get us any customers and as a result, there was absolutely zero work to do. All I ever did there was sit on my ass and feel my brain shrink.
My laptop and the constant streams of binary numbers pouring into it, were the only things preserving my sanity. I wandered through the interwebs like a bozo with no purpose and read a bunch of gaming sites, watched videos of the kind James Rolfe makes and eventually discovered the joys of professional gaming. My rusted brain cried out to me as I began looking up to these people and how well they relayed their passions into creative works.
I wanted to be like them. I started by e-mailing this non-English gaming website that I had been reading for about ten years. I knew it was mostly maintained by volunteers so I tried my luck and asked them to take me in. Take me in they did and for a while, I had a blast writing articles for them. Eventually though, there were some disagreements concerning the kind of articles I should write. We negotiated for a while but in the end, we couldn't reach a compromise that both parties were satisfied with and so we parted ways as friends. Wondering where I could go from there, I tried starting my own blog but their blogging culture was very small and nobody really read it until my first blog died a silent death.
A few more months after that, I quit my shitty job and started making arrangements to move to Japan and live there for some time. I had been planning to do that for a while already. I have several close friends in those parts and I speak the language quite well too. Even though my life was already becoming much more stimulating, the urge to do something creative with my love for gaming remained. One day I was chatting about it with a friend when he finally asked me if I had ever tried Destructoid. "What the hell is a destructoid?" I thought to myself. I ran over to Google and there it was.
One of the first things I noticed was some news about Spore with a giant penis monster as the header image. One of the second things I noticed was Jim's piece on how much hotter Bayonetta is than my girlfriend. I laughed my ass off reading that! This place was brilliant. I could get all the gaming news I wanted and be entertained at the same time. I noticed some of the promoted blogs and it blew my mind. Were these guys seriously posting their community's writings on the front page? Then followed the musings. These were even better. Give people a relatively vague topic, let them interpret it however they want and reward them by ensuring a stampede of readers. Creative heaven! This was exactly the kind of place I had been looking for! I settled in and started writing.
Before I knew it, I had coined my own series that I was making graphics for and I even uploaded several videos to YouTube. Although I've been here for so little time, I already feel like I've made a great set of memories. I remember my first musing being frontpaged, staff member Matthew Razak complimenting one of my posts, the start of my own series and the first cblog recap that actually referred to it by name. It's a great feeling to see how the writings of some generic dude like myself are welcomed and acknowledged here.
Writing my own stuff might have been the main reason why I joined this place but gradually, I'm starting to get to know the community. Let me take some time to highlight some of the colourful characters I've run into. For starters there is Elsa. What can I say really? She's a 47 year old lady gaming happily with her husband. When I reach that age, I want to be just like her. Then there's SWE3tMadness. A classically trained pianist that pwned my ass all the way to the moon and back with some of her deep writings about gaming soundtracks. TheDustinThomas, a badass professional wrestler on the outside but true gaming geek on the inside. We've got Wry Guy who's a freaking walking King of Fighters encyclopaedia! I read about Nilcam and the pink piece of greatness that is the customised fightstick he's building. I learned about an ex-marine that has had more than a few hardships in life but found solace in gaming and talks about masturbation under the catchy name of ZLC. Also Tubatic deserves an honourable mention. He's a fan of UFO: Enemy Unknown and that automatically makes one awesome.
One fine bunch we have here! I'm absolutely sure it must have been an amazing four years for you all and it has been an exquisite four months for me. There are a a lot people on this site that I haven't mentioned in the above paragraph which means that there is still so much left for me to discover. Until then I am going to keep doing my thing and I sincerely hope all of you will keep doing yours. Special thanks go out to the staff for creating and maintaining such a great site, the community for being awesome in general and Pedro The Hutt for telling me it all existed. I'm well aware that this place isn't perfect and I don't enjoy every write-up as much as the next one but still... I am some random dude named Metallion and I raise my glass to the great community that we call Destructoid!