I just downloaded and played the demo for WolfQuest, which we here at Destructoid have been eagerly awaiting for some time. I will give you all three minutes to take care of as many "How many must die?" jokes as necessary. No, no, go on. I'll wait.

Back?

Good.

Before I get too deep, let me say I love what this game is about. Once children begin to grow into adolescence, they begin to lose sight of the magic that makes part of being a kid so wonderful. Part of that magic was found in visits to the zoo. I grew up visiting the Bronx Zoo all the time, and to this day I love the feeling of the familiar and exotic all mixed into one package that is chock full of animals. This game is an attempt to recapture that magic for those younger boys and girls, the "tweens" (READ: stupid monicker for kids who have begun puberty and aren't sure whether the other sex is icky or not, and aren't sure why they feel so good when they play with themselves) who have begun to lose the magic, but haven't lost all hope just yet.

That having been said, this game sucks. I was reminded of my friend who, upon hearing a terrible rendition of a Journey song, said to me, "They made me stop believing." Great idea, poor execution. I guess that's what you get when games are true to nature and probably poorly funded.

The game looks pretty good for something you get free. The wolf models aren't spectacular, but they're nice, and the landscape is sweeping and elegant. Problem is, the whole damn thing is empty. It looks like there are miles to explore, but only 3 rabbits, 2 coyotes and an elk inhabiting it. There are forested areas and slopes and a strange area full of dead trees with little to no branches that look great as you're galloping across Amethyst Mountain, but upon closer inspection turn into an ugly polygonal mess. All told though, the visuals are nice, if not great.

Character creation is fairly simple, yet effective. You pick your wolf's name, pick your color with 6 base coats and a couple sliders, and three sliders for strength, speed, and stamina (*add inappropriate reference to taste*). The attribute sliders actually have a great deal of effect on the game, so choose carefully.

Gameplay. Oh dear Lord and savior, save us from the gameplay. I would give any amount of Destructoid dollars to go back in time and prevent the aneurysm I suffered from after attempting to chase a freaking rabbit. Movement around Amethyst Mountain is akin to hopping a young child with Attention Deficit Disorder up on Ecstasy and telling them to chase a butterfly with the insect kingdom's version of Down Syndrome. Every minuscule movement of the mouse sends your wolf flying off in a randomly selected direction, and camera problems abound. I tried to run down a moderately steep slope, and was treated to watching my wolf suffer from an epileptic seizure. Combat amount to chasing an animal for ten minutes, your wolf getting tired and stopping at least three times before you are able to make contact, and clicking wildly as a biting sound effect plays and you watch what looks like your wolf latching onto the flanks of an elk or coyote and humping it until you start to wonder whether this game will receive attention from Jack Thompson.

Maybe it will be better when you can play with your fellow pack members and hump the elk all at once. Probably not though, since the only communication will be done through growls, howls, and ass-sniffing. That's right, no in-game chat, text or voice. Start practicing with your dog, or you'll be lost in minutes.

I'll give it another try when the full version is released. Until then though, we'll be stuck wondering how many educational games must die before they actually make them fun?