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Mecha Jesus avatar 9:58 PM on 02.23.2008  (server time)
Badass Boss Battles numbah 1

So taking a cue from my blog title, I think I'll start talking about my favorite/most challenging/aggravating/cheapest boss battles. I know that this is a running bit kinda, but I'd like to do some of my own.

I'm gonna preffice this series by defining a few terms. No idea if anyone has done something like this, but it needs being done. We defined these terms on the radio show last week, and I liked them so much, I thought would share them.

The Controller Place
There comes a time during a game when you simply have to set the controller down, and walk away for a while. Be it a boss battle, a particular platform section, a mob of monsters, every gamer sets his controller down at one time or another, and walks away.

The Controller Drop
You've all been there. You're rocking out, being awesome, when suddenly, something so COMPLETELY unexpected happens, you drop your controller because of how stunned you are. A boss uses a new attack, or changes his attack pattern, a platform disappears, or a new monster spawns where it shouldn't.

The Controller Slide
You reach a point in your epic struggle, that your skills fail you, and you screw up. It happens to the best of us. In this moment of disgust, you slide your controller across the room, towards the machine that has caused you so much pain. Missing a jump you've made a thousand times before, hesitating to take that last shot, getting greedy are all common causes of controller slides.

The Controller Throw/Slam
The most severe of controller torment, this occurs during the final stages of gamer meltdown. Differing from the drop, this embodiment of rage consists of a full arc of motion, extending from the hip, raising about your head, and slamming down against the ground with force and violence. Often accompanied by a proclamation of "I'm never going to play this game again!", true instances of controller throws are few and far between.

With the advent of the wireless controller, these actions have changed slightly, with the Throw becoming more hazardous to the controller itself, no longer hindered by a machine.

I define these terms because I wanted you all to know that in my 17-18 years of gaming, I have only ONCE ever thrown my controller down in disgust. I've slid my controller across the floor many a time, dropped it during several RPGs, and set it down countless times. But only one foul beast has ever caused me to throw my controller.

Emperor Ing
Metroid Prime 2: Echoes

The battle starts off, like many prime bosses, by you falling into an open pit. In the center of said pit, is a pillar of doom. The cutscene begins, and you see enough tentacles come shooting out of the pillar to make any perverse hentai jealous. These tentacles sweep the floor, which you must jump over, while shooting at. They also occasionally think with portals, and punch holes in reality, and attack you from behind.

After destroying the tentacles, they recede into the pillar, and an all seeing eye appears from inside, shooting a beam of doom at you. The eye is protected by two hard shells, with a gap in between them, running vertically. While this doesn't seem bad, the shells move, and the beam has the annoying tendency to stay right in front of the gap. After causing enough damage to the eye, or taking enough time, the eye falls back, and more tentacles appear. This process repeats several times, all the while avoiding hentai and eye beams.

After enough damage has been done, which seems to change every time you play, you are treated to a cutscene of it morphing into a large cocoon. A quick scan reveals that it is inside, morphing into something larger and more heinous. But, in order to bring about this heinous form, you have to crack this bastard's shell. None of your weapons do damage, except for a super morph ball bomb. And luckily, the shell is magnetized, so you crawl on its back, crawl like a cockroach looking for a bite to eat, bombing neatly marked points on his chitiny shell, all the while avoiding the rising poisonous fog wafting off the ground. And if the fog were not enough, he spawns fists to attack you at all points, shooting and getting in your way, chipping away at your depleted health.

After destroying all the points on his shell, the bastard shows his final form, a five legged creature with a glowing ball of energy inside his evil maw. His mouth is the only place to hurt him, and the bastard doesn't make it easy. This glowing nexus of power is color coded to show what to hit him with: if it glows black (yes, glowing black), you shoot him with your light beam. If it glows white, you shoot him with your dark beam (a laser beam of darkness). This wouldn't be so bad, if he didn't change colors faster than the weather changes in New England. Oh, and did I mention, you only have a finite amount of ammo of each of these beams?

The object of your growing hatred has several attacks. His easiest to avoid his his charge attack, where he runs at you. Easy enough to avoid, but sometimes it just decides to go crazy and hit you even if you're on the other side of the room. He does the requisite laser shooting, and the spread shot, and is for lack of a better term, an insufferable jackass.

While this doesn't seem to bad, you have to realize that unless you want to be a total cheat(which I didn't find out about until my last attempt at this bastard), you loose health and never gain it back, in any significant quantities.

I played. I lost. I played, I lost. I played, I had him to a sliver of health, I lost. I played, I died during the tentacle rape party. I played, I lost. I played, lost, played, lost. This continued for 3 days, and at least 40 tries. And then it happened. I snapped. I executed a beautiful controller throw, with an accompanying "SON OF A BITCH!". Full arc, full range, and a release that would rival any pitcher or quarterback's best throw.

My roommate looked over at me. I've known him since we were 3. We've gamed for as long as we can remember. He looks at me, my best friend does, and says, "you just threw your controller down. You've never done that before." I looked down at my shame, my beautiful Wavebird that had served me faithfully through many adventures, and I realized what I had done. I turned the game back on, and my controller had stopped working. It would recognize some commands, but the sticks were shot. It was dead. My companion was dead.

The horror hit me like the fist of an angry god. I was disgusted. I put away my old friend, and broke out a lesser, corded controller. I decided that it was all or nothing time. I would beat this bastard, for my friend. This play through, I noticed something. On the third form, the sleeping monster, the creatures he spawned dropped massive health. So I decided I'd wait, and not kill him instantly. I'd wait for full health. And I did. Using this, I came into that battle with the five legged beast with full health, something he wasn't expecting. And I emerged victorious in that last battle. And then the world fractured, and you see another cutscene, showing the boss in his death throws. Some how it wasn't enough. And I find out, that wasn't the last boss of the game. But she was a joke, Dark Samus was.

Well I've talked enough. See you all later. Feel free to use the Controller terms as needed.

-Mecha Jesus
Your Cybernetic Saviour

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