Note: If you think this looks tl:dr jump to the bottom for my conclusion and final thoughts.

Once again Capcom have been foolish enough to intentionally invite the chaos that is the Destructoid UK crew into their pretty Hammersmith offices and lets us wreck havoc with one of their major upcoming releases. This time we were lucky enough to be able to grab Bionic Commando with our fleshy non-bio-mechanical limbs and get hands on with both the singleplayer and multiplayer aspects.

For those of you who may be unaware of Bionic Commando's heritage let me quickly fill you in; it all begun in 1987 as an arcade title which would be ported to the NES later the next year, it also received a Game Boy port in 1992 and in 1999 there was even a poorly received GBC sequel. Capcom then released their remake of the 1987 original as a 3D side scrolling XBL Arcade title with the tag line 'Re-Armed' clearly wanting to whet our appetite for more bionic freudian action.

Pheonix, Anus McPhanus, Poetic Justice, myself and four other gentlemen all arrived at the Capcom offices at 11am this morning ready to munch down on that action. After the usual amount of obscenities and racial slurs had been screamed out of Pheonix's mouth we started adjusting to BC's quite complex control system through a trial and error tutorial.



Holding the left trigger fires your bionic arm to grab onto anything it aims at, as long as what it is aiming at is meant to be grabbed and also that you're in range and also that you have a lock on. Pushing the left analogue stick forwards and backwards will gather momentum and when you have built up enough releasing the left trigger will release your hold and depending on when you let go will either send you soaring off in the right direction or hurtling straight down to your imminent doom.



Singleplayer combat has the potential to allow you to be very creative, for instance you could grab someone, reel yourself in and kick them in the chest with two feet or you could pick up a crate, swing it above your head and release it in your foes direction or you could even run up to one of the identi-kit baddies punch him up into the air, jump up next to him and while you're both in mid air hit him again to send him flying miles off screen.

Sadly though due to sloppy controls and a very loose camera it becomes difficult and even tiresome to even attempt to do something so spectacular. I can see it becoming little more than a run and gun with swinging sections, though they do try to severely limit your ammo to encourage inventive ways of defeating your enemies.



Multiplayer then may be the shining light for Bionic Commando, during our play test we played all-out deathmatch, team deathmatch and capture the flag (which I was shocked that half the Dtoiders present didn't know how CTF worked!) and I found it the most enjoyable all out-action multiplayer in some time. Maybe its my distaste for how all multiplayer games seem to be turning into something so serious now but BC's multiplayer was just hectic, over the top fun.

It's up to eight players and with only a few different weapons per map and each with limited use it lead into some very close and honestly exciting matches. Victories were clawed back from defeat, deaths were avenged and swear words were yelled but in the end only one side remained standing and that of course could only be team Destructoid.


Not pictured: Anus consuming free pizza

In conclusion I don't see Bionic Commando getting many favourable reviews, such a large chunk of the game is so distinctly average it's hard to recommend as a purchase, it does have its moments, when you get into the rhythm of swinging from pylon to lamp-post to rooftop and you're gunning down the enemy as you go, it's a great feeling and the control system will seem fluid and finely tuned. It's a shame then that these moment come and go and that more often than not you'll miss your target, not be within grabbing distance and you'll lose momentum the result being a limp Bionic Commando hanging from the rooftop.

I hate to slate Capcom's game after they were so gracious to ask us back again but I'm nothing if not honest and no amount of free pizza and sugary drinks will change that. The highlight of today anyway was to be able to meet up with other Dtoiders Phoenix, Anus and Justice (And our resident stalker Jack) again and go for Sushi and discuss civilised matters in a civilised way. Totally without embarrassing or drawing attention to
ourselves.

Not.

10. I have a speech impediment.
It’s nothing severe but I do stutter and it often means that when talking, especially on the phone, I can get words confused and end up saying one thing when I meant something completely different.

9. The 1st console I owned by myself was a PS1.
My sister had been bought a Master System and a Mega Drive by my mum but I was only ever allowed to play them when she let me. Which wasn't often.
When I did get my PS1 I wasn’t even allowed to play it when my mum wasn’t home, she would lock it in her room when she went out, so when I came home from school I would have to wait until she finished work before I could get to it. Bitch.

8. I’m a massive LOTR fan.
And I mean massive. I've read the trilogy and the Silmarillion at least twice a year for the last 6 years. I also read the books about the books.
If there were books about the books about the books I would probably read them too.

7. I didn’t own an N64 until just over two years ago.
I’ve also never completed Ocarina of Time, in fact the only N64 game I’ve ever completed is Goldeneye.

6. One of my favourite bands is Maroon 5.
Yes I know I'll get stick for admitting it but It's just something that stuck with me from an ex-girlfriend, like some nasty rash.

5. I was Atheistium's boss.
I worked with Atheistium for about a month before she moved from London to Portsmouth, I was her manager at GAME in Kingston, she was the one to introduced me to Destructoid. I owe her much thanks.

4. I have more close female friends than I do male.
Last year I got pissed off with unreliable friendships so I decided to only stay in touch with the friends who made an effort to stay in touch with me and coincidentally most of them turned out to be female. I ain't complaining, I'm so much happier now.

3. I fucked up my A-Levels because of MMOs.
I spent most of my two years 'at' college actually at home playing Star Wars Galaxies, Ragnarok Online, Lineage 2, WoW, Planetside and anything that had a social multiplayer.
I did 5 courses and should have landed B or better but finished with 2 fails, 1 D and 2 Es.
I still ended up with a decent job that I enjoy anyway so that goes to show that studying hard doesn't always get you everything.

2. I was adopted at birth.
Unfortunately I wasn’t lucky enough to be raised by wolves to be some half-human/half-beast flesh eating killing machine but I was adopted by a very loving family. I hate it when someone refers to biological parents as my 'real parents', to me my real parents are the ones who have brought me up and watched me grow over the last 22 years.
I have no urge to ever go seeking my biological family.

1. I've always dreamed of running my own Dtoid style website.
Ever since I discovered the innernets when I was 12 I have wanted to design and create my own online gaming culture community, I gave up the dream about a year ago when I realised how tedious I found web design and coding.
Now I’m just happy to be a part of something as special as Destructoid and to help make it bigger and better in any way I can.

Much love. <3

10. I have a speech impediment.
It’s nothing severe but I do stutter and it often means that when talking, especially on the phone, I can get
words confused and end up saying one thing when I meant something completely different.

9. The 1st console I owned by myself was a PS1.
My sister had been bought a Master System and a Mega Drive by my mum but I was only ever allowed to
play them when she let me. Which wasn't often.
When I did get my PS1 I wasn’t even allowed to play it when my mum wasn’t home, she would lock it in her
room when she went out, so when I came home from school I would have to wait until she finished work
before I could get to it. Bitch.

8. I’m a massive LOTR fan.
And I mean massive. I've read the trilogy and the Silmarillion at least twice a year for the last 6 years. I also
read the books about the books.
If there were books about the books about the books I would probably read them too.

7. I didn’t own an N64 until just over two years ago.
I’ve also never completed Ocarina of Time, in fact the only N64 game I’ve ever completed is Goldeneye.

6. One of my favourite bands is Maroon 5.
Yes I know I'll get stick for admitting it but It's just something that stuck with me from an ex-girlfriend, like some
nasty rash.

5. I was Atheistium's boss.
I worked with Atheistium for about a month before she moved from London to Portsmouth, I was her
manager at GAME in Kingston, she was the one to introduced me to Destructoid. I owe her much thanks.

4. I have more close female friends than I do male.
Last year I got pissed off with unreliable friendships so I decided to only stay in touch with the friends who
made an effort to stay in touch with me and coincidentally most of them turned out to be female. I ain't
complaining, I'm so much happier now.

3. I fucked up my A-Levels because of MMOs.
I spent most of my two years 'at' college actually at home playing Star Wars Galaxies, Ragnarok Online,
Lineage 2, WoW, Planetside and anything that had a social multiplayer.
I did 5 courses and should have landed B or better but finished with 2 fails, 1 D and 2 Es.
I still ended up with a decent job that I enjoy anyway so that goes to show that studying hard doesn't always
get you everything.

2. I was adopted at birth.
Unfortunately I wasn’t lucky enough to be raised by wolves to be some half-human/half-beast flesh eating
killing machine but I was adopted by a very loving family. I hate it when someone refers to biological parents
as my 'real parents', to me my real parents are the ones who have brought me up and watched me grow
over the last 22 years.
I have no urge to ever go seeking my biological family.

1. I've always dreamed of running my own Dtoid style website.
Ever since I discovered the innernets when I was 12 I have wanted to design and create my own online
gaming culture community, I gave up the dream about a year ago when I realised how tedious I found web
design and coding.
Now I’m just happy to be a part of something as special as Destructoid and to help make it bigger and better in
any way I can.

Much love. <3

I <3 you all. [Pic stolen from Tactix - Thanks!]

As you may have guessed from all the other CBlogs PAX was aaaaaawwwwweesome but surprisingly that’s not what I expected at all.

On the days leading up to PAX I cannot describe how nervous I was. I was more terrified than excited about going to PAX. I had spent all my savings on flights, hotel and entry, I felt like I was taking the biggest gamble of my life. I honestly didn’t know what to expect, what was going to happen or my biggest fear; would I get on with anyone?

I can accept that I’m not the most confident, out-going, extrovert person around and I was, as Niero put it, shitting bricks all the way though my flight right up until I got to the restaurant on the first night. All I could concentrate on was that I knew 80+ Dtoiders were going to PAX and that there was no way I could expect to get on with everyone.

Oh how wrong I was, I had completely under-estimated how friendly, warm and inviting everyone was going to be. There was no hand left un-shaken, no body left un-hugged and no ass left un-raped.

I may have only had the honour of spending a few days with everyone but in that short period of time you all made me feel like part of a close-knit family.

It sucks that I have to live here in the UK so far away from where all the fun shit happens.

I miss you all already.

The GHost – You flew all the way from Zambia to queue up with me on the first day to not get into PAX when it opened. <3
FooLiz – You make Australia cool. Thanks for the endless stream of hugs.
Riser Glen – You should totally get drunk and marry Liz in Vegas. Also if I find your spine I’ll make sure to post it to you 1st class.
Macca – You are the most fun, crazy son of a bitch I’ve met. I still have your name written across my chest.
Necros – You may have hair like the unshaven groin of a 600 pound woman but I love you anyway. <3
LostCrichton – Short-shorts + Helmet = Win. You’re just too much fun for this man to handle.
Nademagnet – You made the DToid stripper happen. I bow to you. Also you have to make that photo album.
Coonskin05 – Not only are you awesome but you are doubly awesome when drunk. Great chest hair.
Blehman – You are honestly the nicest most relaxed guy I have ever met, just being around you was great.
Wardrox – It was good to see at least one familiar face. UK NARP at mine before the end of the year.
Pheonix-Blood – Thanks for not remembering who I was even though we had met before, but you have boobs so all is forgiven.
Tazar – For being pleasantly surprised that I wasn’t a chav.
Conrad – For hanging out chatting. I want your hat.
ImpossiblePlant – For telling me I need to get a girlfriend. Thanks. Pip-pip.

I can’t stay awake any longer, the jet lag is killing me so sorry if I didn’t mention you, you are all full of win and kittens.
I guess all that’s left is to say thanks to Niero for making all this possible.

See you at PAX 09. (Hopefully sooner)

Since the start of the year I’ve become gradually more interested in collectable figures, I may not go out and buy anything that breaks the bank (I’m looking at you Lara Croft) but I do have a ‘problem’ with impulse buying and the latest addition to honour my gaming rig is no different.

I saw these while working in a different GAME store for the day and I had to have them:

Darth Vader nested dolls:



They only cost me Ł7.50 but I think they’re amongst my favourite figures so far. Too cute!



“You WILL buy more.”

*Force choke*

GTA4 is the biggest release of the year for Xbox 360 and PS3, but thanks to much matlockery on my part I have discovered that it will soon™ be available on Wii in the family friendly form of Wii Theft Auto.

GTA has always been about climbing your way up the criminal ladder; you start with a few car thefts for some wannabe gangster, maybe become a gun for hire but you will eventually work your way up the food chain until you’re the big enchilada giving out the orders to every mobster in town.

But does GTA have to be that way?
Wii Theft Auto with reign in a new era for GTA games; less controversy, more party games and better family values!



No longer will you be a cold killer devoid of any morality but now you get to play a much more unique and meaningful character; Nicoló Bellico, an optimistic Italian plumber who has come to Liberty City in search of his missing wife Peggy Peach.



No longer do you have to purchase a gun and participate in illegal activities to survive, instead you will embark on a fascinating journey using only your superior plumbing skills and you astonishing acrobatic abilities to achieve your goals.



You will still meet many interesting and outlandish characters on your journey; however the language may not be as crude and vulgar as previous titles.



Multiplayer has also been revamped, now offering over 50 pick-up-and-play mini games which include such classics as:

Nicoló Golf


Super Nicoló Bellico Melee


Nicoló Kart


All this and more coming to your Nintendo Wii soon™.

Warning: The above post may contain unprecedented amounts of bullshit.