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MaximusPaynicus's blog

4:55 PM on 01.02.2008

STFU. You're not getting a refund.

Hi, boys and girls. It's been a while since I've last graced Destructoid, and I have to say... lookin' sharp. I'm liking what I see, and I hope to see more. Now, to business:

Those of you who are bitching about Xbox LIVE being up and down for the past week are starting to get on my last damn nerve. Now, I get that you have a right to bitch about the lousy service because you're a paying customer, but you know... some of you are demanding a refund for time lost.

You fickle, cheap bastards. You're throwing a fit over 96 cents. Not even the WoW maggots are that pathetic. Sure, they'll run to the Blizzard message boards and threaten to quit if they experience a single day of lag, but not often do they demand refunds.

Now I know you people at D'toid are smarter than this. Wiser than this. More practical and laid back than this... but there are people out there who feel they are owed monetary compensation for the loss of a week of bugging the shit out of me with their whiny, nasally, incessant womanizing homphobic racism.

*gasp, gasp...*

I feel better.   read

11:26 PM on 10.31.2007

There Will Be A Bountiful Feast! (MP's Halloween recap)

Sometimes being the first born has its benefits. Take for example this very night, Halloween. I've reached the age where I feel that dressing up and going from house to house, demanding candy from the neighbors is... well, behind me.

However, I do have a younger brother. Sure, he's only a year younger than I, but due to the fact that he is autistic, he has the mindset of a four year-old... which makes him candy-retrieving elidgable. So, much to my shigrin, my mom and my younger brother get all dressed up and do their yearly chocolate rounds (they dressed up as pirates this year, which made me die a little on the inside), bringing back all the goodies and dumping them on the table to be sorted through. What makes this awesome is that neither my mother or my younger brother are very much into chocolates and sweets.

In short, ladies and gentlemen, I have my own annual candy delivery service. As I type this there is a mound of Hersheys, 3 Musketeers, M&Ms (Peanut and normal), WarHeads, Jolly Ranchers, Crunch, Snickers, Milky Way, Twix, Sweet Tarts, and even Fruit Roll-Ups. Hell, there was even a house giving away cooked hot dogs. HOT DOGS!

Of course, there are always one or two families who think they're saving the world by giving out apples and orange slices instead of the goods. If you are one of these people, I have a word for you: Communist. I know, it may sound a bit extreme, but America was founded on gluttony. We have a holiday where all we do is drink beer, watch football and eat food stuffed with other food! Get with the program, dammit!

...unless the orange slices are filled with custard. Then I'll look past it, even if I won't eat it. Yuck.

I will admit that a part of me does miss the days of innocence, where I would dress up in a really cheap Power Rangers costume (you know, with the really cheap masks that cut into your forehead) and walk from door to door with my grandma asking for candy. Yeah, I tricked and/or treated during the time before parents went insane and bussed their kids from house to house. All we were given were flashlights for cars to see us, and crosses in case Satan tried to eat our souls or something.

Nowadays I have cars pulling into my driveway, and kids get out to ask for candy. If that wasn't bad enough, now parents are starting to dress up again. It's all good and fun if you wanna dress up as the sexy nurse for an adults-only Halloween party. Go for it. I actually encourage that kind of behavior. But... not with the kids. That's where it starts drifting into creepiness. Just get in a coat (since it's cold, usually) and some slacks, lead your kids to the driveway, let them ask for the candy, and then pilfer their cache when you get home.

Either way, whether you went trick-or-treating, passed out candy, went to a party, or did what we cool uber-nerds did and saw Night of the Living Dead at Showcase... I hope you had a safe and happy Halloween. But it's November now, so get your Christmas shit ready.   read

1:22 PM on 10.21.2007

I think I may have pissed off the entire internet

I didn't know Halo fans were so damn adment about their shooter, I tell you. I had written this piece for my website, 1PStart, that dealt with certain groups of people that I felt brought down the game as a whole. It was a tongue-and-cheek affair, but it still found some popularity.

By some popularity, I mean "I've gone and pissed just about everyone off". Now, the response has actually been about 50/50, but that 50% who hate it... yeah, they've left some colorful messages. Mostly pretaining to me being a ten-year-old girl who apparently gets an achy vagina when I play Halo 3 online. Who'd have thought?

Either way, give it a read if you want, then you can be one of the cool kids and tell me how much of a big, blubbering vagina I am and how I have no game and whatnot.   read

10:38 PM on 09.27.2007


So get this shit, dudes and dames. You know how publishers will send reviewers and journalists tons of swag along with the game that's supposed to be reviewed? If not, I assure you -- they do. They usually wind up being used as giveaway prizes. However, one guy wasn't particularly pleased with his grab [duffel] bag of goodies.

Dean Takahashi of the San Jose Mercury News in his video podcast accused Microsoft of out-and-out bribery. In response to such an outrageous insult to his journalistic integrity, Takahashi has vowed to return the entire bag to Microsoft.

...I've heard of looking a gift horse in the mouth, but this is the first time I think I've seen someone kick it in the teeth.

This is absolutely ridiculous. First of all, I don't think it can be a "bribe" if they don't, you know, state any terms. But more than that, what a douche bag move by Takahashi. Return it? Gizmodo, Joystiq, Kotaku and a dozen other sites received the same damn package. They took it, and either gave it to their readers or are currently in the process of doing just that.

..except Gizmodo. They threw it off a porch, or something.

What do y'all think? Is this Microsoft trying to bribe people into giving Halo 3 a good review? Or is this just them going all out on the swag bag?


Digg if you love me.   read

11:21 AM on 09.21.2007

God told me to write a blog...

...and here it is. Now that I have appeased God, I'mma go watch Rambo: First Blood Part II.

Here's a question for you all, however -- if you were writing a paper for your Political Science class, and were focusing on how Politicians were trying to censor or outright ban certain games from being sold, what would be a good example to include? I'm being serious -- that's what I'm spending my Friday on.   read

10:40 PM on 09.15.2007

Colin McRae: R.I.P. 1968-2007

It brings me great sadness to announce to y'all that Colin McRae, former World Rally Champion best known by us gamers for his Colin McRae Rally series of racing titles from Codemasters, has died at the age of 39.

While the bodies have yet to be identified, it is widely believed that McRae, his son, and two others were killed when McRae's helicopter crashed near his home in Jerviswood, Lanark.

Telegraph   read

2:43 PM on 09.12.2007

Dipshits already in line for Halo 3 UPDATE: No they're not.

This is an image that was taken outside the Metreon in San Francisco, of the most loyal of fanboys camping out in anticipation of Halo 3...

...Halo 3 doesn't get released for another thirteen days. That's roughly 312 hours. You could play through BioShock roughly fifteen and a half times on the comfort of your couch, but instead you're sleeping on the sidewalks of San Francisco in hopes of... of what? What do you think you're accomplishing with this? That you're going to be the first to play Halo 3 because you waited for two weeks? I have a newsflash for you, pal -- you're on the WEST COAST. You're THREE HOURS BEHIND those on the East Coast. I could walk into a GameStop line at 11:50pm on the 24th, and STILL play Halo 3 for two and a half hours (taking into account traffic and those in front of me) before you even get in the store.

...why am I addressing this to the first person, as though these people are actually going to read this? At most, their laptop has six hours of battery life. Then it becomes a brick. A flat surface to lay their head, or rest their food, or roll their joints because I imagine you'd have to be high as hell to think this was a sound decision.

"Official Story" <-- Shameless Plug #120,423

UPDATE: False alarm! That's an image from the IMAX showing they did yesterday.   read

12:35 AM on 08.31.2007

Duke Nukem: Forever @ Best Buy

We all know this is just a mistake. Hell, Duke Nukem Forever being given a release date of December 1st, 2007 is just silly, right? ...right?

Seriously, though -- how long before Best Buy takes this down?

Best Buy


6:52 PM on 08.30.2007

Yeah, I'm finally announcing my GoW banner.

I've been putting it off, but... fuck it. There it is. Revel in the bitter beer face.

NOTE: I can't for the life of me figure out why those side bars are still there.   read

7:20 PM on 08.25.2007

G4's Matt Keil claims D'toid "making shit up" regarding Mass Effect preview!

[IMAGE COMING SOON -- Max is Lazy]

[@ NeoGaf Forums]

[i]"Do not believe this preview. I had the first hour of the game played in front of me, and none of Destructoid's criticisms are valid. This is either truly awful taste or a pathetic attempt to get more hits. Possibly both.

Mass Effect has the most incredible facial animation of any game ever (at the time I saw it, anyway...Heavenly Sword tops it in cutscenes, IMO), and the voice acting is perfectly fine. The beginning of the game is all space navy "Sir, we have visual" shit, anyway. It's obviously not going to be Gone With The Wind.

There are plenty of things to worry about with Mass Effect without making up shit about the presentation. This preview is simply not describing the game I saw."[/i]

That was from Matt Keil, Writer/Producer on G4's underwhelming review/preview show "X-Play". I'll be honest: Outside of the Star Wars special, I haven't actively sat down to watch X-Play since it was called Gamespot TV. But that is neither here or there.

I have to ask... how do you debunk a preview? *ponders this*

[Orcist's Mass Effect Preview]   read

4:35 PM on 08.22.2007

Halo: Arms Race pt. 2 leaked?


Oooh, so purdy...

Digg this, for digging equals hits, and hits equals paycheck   read

1:14 AM on 08.22.2007

How NOT To Cool your Xbox 360.. dumbass kid...

Some fourteen year-old kid North Carolina nearly kiled himself trying to cool off his Xbox 360.

According to the dipshit's mom, the Xbox 360 would keep shutting off after being on for about five minutes. Finally, the child went online and found a possible solution for remedying this by cooling off the power supply. Here's the account of events from his ma:

“I saw him put the cord on top of a box in the living room”, said the boy’s mother. “When I left to go next door he was playing a game but when I got back he was laying on his back on the floor and unconscious”.

So how exactly did the child go from playing Madden 08 to being KOed on the floor?

Apparently the kid, taking a tip from 4chan, wrapped it in plastic and tape before submerging the power supply (still plugged in, by the way) in a pan of water.

Of course the little shit-for-brains wasn't seriously harmed. I'm not a prick to the point where I would make fun of a dead child, after all. By the time the paramedics arrived at the scene, the kid was awake and talking. He was taken to the local clinic in Transylvania County (No joke) to be treated for minor burns.

[Fun Tech Talk]
The Story with all the purdy pictures

Edited to make it less professional   read

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