Sometimes being the first born has its benefits. Take for example this very night, Halloween. I've reached the age where I feel that dressing up and going from house to house, demanding candy from the neighbors is... well, behind me.

However, I do have a younger brother. Sure, he's only a year younger than I, but due to the fact that he is autistic, he has the mindset of a four year-old... which makes him candy-retrieving elidgable. So, much to my shigrin, my mom and my younger brother get all dressed up and do their yearly chocolate rounds (they dressed up as pirates this year, which made me die a little on the inside), bringing back all the goodies and dumping them on the table to be sorted through. What makes this awesome is that neither my mother or my younger brother are very much into chocolates and sweets.

In short, ladies and gentlemen, I have my own annual candy delivery service. As I type this there is a mound of Hersheys, 3 Musketeers, M&Ms (Peanut and normal), WarHeads, Jolly Ranchers, Crunch, Snickers, Milky Way, Twix, Sweet Tarts, and even Fruit Roll-Ups. Hell, there was even a house giving away cooked hot dogs. HOT DOGS!

Of course, there are always one or two families who think they're saving the world by giving out apples and orange slices instead of the goods. If you are one of these people, I have a word for you: Communist. I know, it may sound a bit extreme, but America was founded on gluttony. We have a holiday where all we do is drink beer, watch football and eat food stuffed with other food! Get with the program, dammit!

...unless the orange slices are filled with custard. Then I'll look past it, even if I won't eat it. Yuck.

I will admit that a part of me does miss the days of innocence, where I would dress up in a really cheap Power Rangers costume (you know, with the really cheap masks that cut into your forehead) and walk from door to door with my grandma asking for candy. Yeah, I tricked and/or treated during the time before parents went insane and bussed their kids from house to house. All we were given were flashlights for cars to see us, and crosses in case Satan tried to eat our souls or something.

Nowadays I have cars pulling into my driveway, and kids get out to ask for candy. If that wasn't bad enough, now parents are starting to dress up again. It's all good and fun if you wanna dress up as the sexy nurse for an adults-only Halloween party. Go for it. I actually encourage that kind of behavior. But... not with the kids. That's where it starts drifting into creepiness. Just get in a coat (since it's cold, usually) and some slacks, lead your kids to the driveway, let them ask for the candy, and then pilfer their cache when you get home.

Either way, whether you went trick-or-treating, passed out candy, went to a party, or did what we cool uber-nerds did and saw Night of the Living Dead at Showcase... I hope you had a safe and happy Halloween. But it's November now, so get your Christmas shit ready.