WASHINGTON—In a surprisingly bipartisan decision, both the United States Senate and House of Representatives unanimously approved of funding to provide the nation's Armed Forces with Health Bars in order to protect the troops' safety. This new equipment is believed to contain the essence of life in an easy-to-understand linear form; as a user becomes hurt or injured, the contents of the bar decrease in size, signifying that the user is closer to death. It is believed that this will save many lives on the battlefield, because the new Health Bars will allow soldiers to withstand a tremendous amount of damage that they previous could not.

“We have suffered many lost lives due to our enemies being able to defeat us with a single touch,” said a top Army general. “After the Geneva Convention, cheat codes were banned from use in armed conflicts, so it is not possible to come across extra lives anymore.”

This resulted in a significant increase in game-overs, costing the Military millions of tax-payer quarters and tokens. Many of the country's top scientists in both the public and private sectors began experimenting with ways to combat this. A few prototypes have been introduced over the years, including heart containers (which did eventually become popular with lone adventurers), golden rings, and colorful dragonflies, but none of these were successful with the Armed Forces.


Golden Rings: More trouble than they're worth

“Heart containers were very difficult to implement because they always came in four pieces,” explained a researcher, “and the golden rings were a complete waste of time. When a person is hit, those rings scatter everywhere, forcing the user run around frantically to collect at least one for protection. This would be detrimental in time-sensitive missions.”

“And don't even get me started on the dragonflies,” he added. “Aside from birds swooping down to eat them, we have so far been unable to keep them from flying away from their users. I personally do not even understand how they can be used as protection in the first place.”


Dragonflies: So how are these bugs supposed to defend you?

A senator from Massachusetts, one of the most active proponents of the plan, discovered the Health Bar after viewing a television commercial for it. “I knew right away that this was what were looking for all along,” the senator told reporters, “and the rest of Congress quickly agreed. These Health Bars would do well to protect the troops, while also being fiscally responsible. Refilling the bars is relatively inexpensive, and the lives saved will cut down on the number of replacements that will need to be trained.”

With the passing of the bill, the Military should be able to provide troops with their own Health Bars in the next three months. However, this decision has not stopped scientists from further experimenting with new possibilities. The most promising new technology, a shield that can recharge on its own, is still in early development, but may revolutionize the field in the coming years.

Unfortunately, the Democrats' proposal to add free Health Bars to the current healthcare bill has met with increased Republican opposition, as political pundits agree that this will be a hot debate for many months ahead.
_________________

I was working on the animation of the Health Bar commercial for a while now, and upon finishing it I was inspired to write a Disgruntled Vegetable article based on it. You can see a better-quality version of it on Newgrounds at http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/530150, where it has been quite a bit more popular than I would have ever guessed.

While we are on the subject, what are your opinions concerning these "health bars" and other methods of keeping track of a player's energy? Which type (if any) do you prefer to have in games?