If you haven't seen it, here's Friday's episode of The Destructoid Show. I went off on a tangent about how I'm not stoked for Bulletstorm because I'm not a fan of Cliffy B, the guy who does stuff at Epic Games. His big claims to fame are Unreal Tournament and Gears of War. Bulletstorm isn't even his baby, it's being done by People Can Fly. But Cliffy's currently playing hype-man for the project, because he's a character like that.
First off, I should say that making a personal attack on Cliff was a cheap shot, and I was out of line for that. He doesn't make bad games by any means, but they're not to my liking. Technically speaking, they're quite good, and he's obviously a hard working guy. Stylistically, I think they're pretty obnoxious. Someone compared him to Michael Bay, and I think that's quite astute. Michael Bay is extremely good at what he does.
For the record, I love Michael Bay's work. I love dumb action movies in general. I own two copies of Tango & Cash, and that's one of the most idiotic action movies ever made. I like plenty of stupid video games, but for some reason, Epic Games rub me the wrong way.
Cliff makes fun games. Playing Unreal Tournament is one of my fondest memories about 9th grade. Given, it was a pretty crappy year for me, but shooting dudes in the face with a flak cannon is a fun thing. Somehow, even though I said in my rant that Cliffy B makes fun games, and that Bulletstorm has a lot of cool shit in it, people yelled at me for calling the man talentless, which is something I never said. Obviously, he's not talentless. He makes award winning video games that sell millions of copies.
Those games, however, are ridiculous. That's not arguable. They're adolescent and meat-headed. I don't want to go into the endless debate about whether or not video games are art, but they are a growing medium. They're becoming a thing that isn't just for bloodthirsty teenage boys. While Cliff's games make steps forward gameplay-wise, they seem to be a bit less progressive in terms of subject matter.
When I refered to his games as parodies of games, I meant it in the sense that if Gears of War wasn't an actual game, it would not seem out of place as something you'd see Nelson Muntz playing on The Simpsons. I love mindless violence as much as the next heterosexual male, but sometimes I try to look at things from the perspective of someone else. Gears of War takes itself too seriously for me to laugh at it, and it's too ridiculous for me to take seriously.
Conversely, I will say this about Cliff Bleszinski: while his games might be increasingly stereotypical, he is not. He's a game developer who fucks hot chicks and drives a nice car and goes to fancy parties. A game developer doing these things. This is a new concept. He's living the dream, and for that, I commend him. It's a change of pace from the old stereotypes of game developers being gross dudes sitting at keyboards and being smelly. We're living in this age of nerd revenge, and he's doing it right. He went from geeky shy kid who got picked on in high school to a celebrity.
Cliff, I didn't mean to take a dump on your career. Keep doing what you're doing. If at any point, you feel the urge to make a Gears of War Teaches Typing game, a lot of your fans could benefit from it.
Also, it was wrong of me to make fun of your haircut. If it's any consolation, I was told I have Justin Bieber hair numerous times, so let's call it even.
Figured I'd write another blog, because I'm probably supposed to, and because I love you. This week has been insane. In a fun way, mostly. Hosting the show has been so, so much fun for me, and if you watch the three episodes we did this week, I think it's pretty glaringly obvious how much I've gotten into the groove.
Before you think it, yes, that expression is idiotic. Makes me think of disco. But not good disco, like, bad late-90s post-ironic disco. This is yesterday's episode, and I'm feeling pretty happy about it.
Also, I'm hungover right now, so what I'm about to write is going to be incoherent and retarded, but probably funny on some level. (God, my blog probably makes me seem like the biggest drunk ever. I'm not, guys. I'm just a major proponent of weekends.)
First, I'd like to formally say that I'm writing this from a PC. It's my girlfriend's (bother her: @gennhaver school laptop. She's a dental student, and for some reason, her school was like "All dental students will be needing Dell Latitude E6410 notebooks," so she has one. I'm using this is because a few weeks back, my old Macbook fried its motherfucking logic board because I was trying to Photoshop an HD YouTube video into my game of Far Cry 2 which was running on Boot Camp while my computer was sitting on top of a radiator and I was using it as a coaster for my hot cocoa. Okay, not really, but probably did all of those things separately. R.I.P. my awesome three-year-old laptop.
(Please don't think I'm one of those sissy wiener kids who's been using Macs his whole life. I was a PC guy until 2008, and then I made the switch.)
Since I'm on a PC, can you guys think of any games I should check out? I'm currently playing Windows 7 and this game sucks. I'm also getting my ass kicked. Earlier, I tried to change the desktop background, and I wound up subscribing to iJustine's YouTube channel by accident. Let's think of some cool games from like five years ago because I'm fucking BORED. Bear in mind, this is by no means a gaming rig.
Also, bear in mind because I am currently thinking about bears. Also, re: bears, you need to read [url="http://www.flickr.com/photos/madisoncats/5298936329/lightbox/}this comic[ my friend Erika made because it rocks ass all over the place, and she's super cute and talented.
First funny story: I sort of crashed an IGN.com meet-and-greet last night.
You guys don't know my origin story, do you? Heh. I'll save that for another day. It's a doozie. "How I went from pissing off former Dtoid editor Ben Perlee at a community college newspaper to drinking mimosas with Jessica Chobot to co-hosting The Destructoid Show: The Max Scoville Story."
Anyway, IGN's Scott Bromley and I are really close friends. He currently hosts their GameSpy Debriefings podcast, which is like The Howard Stern Show of game journalism, but a while ago, he got me my first gig in this wacky industry.
I haven't seen the guy in months, but hanging out last night made my heart swell with rad bromance. I mean, it's really like, Bromeo And Dudeliet since we work for competing gaming sites, but we go way back. I met him in 2007 when I was sort of dating his hot cousin Christina. The first time we hung out, he made me watch [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQ4KzClb1C4"]The Room[/url] for the first time. He's let me sleep on his couch a number of times, and his girlfriend gave me a set of her housekeys when I was homeless because she always slept at his place anyway.
I'm sorry to subject you to this, but I'm going to post a bunch of gay pictures of us doing things together.
Here we are shortly before going the cemetery to pour glitter and vodka on his grandmother's grave:
Here we are partying because we are awesome dudes:
Here we are fuckin' up a pig at his aunt's wedding:
Here he is dressed up as me:
Here we are as David Bowie and Mick Jagger from the video for "Dancin' In The Streets":
Here we are-- Oh. Huh.
Finally, here's a video of us sitting around pretending we're Europeans. We were seriously doing this for like four hours:
So last night, I show up at this IGN thing with my girlfriend, and we're both dressed to the nines because it was date night. We show up, and Scott's at a table with a bunch of fans of his podcast. He goes, "Ladies and gentleman, Max Scoville from Destructoid!" I gave him my official Dtoid business card and he pretty much shit a brick. I mean, this is the guy who got me into the biz. Meanwhile, his fans are like, "Wait, Destructoid? What's he doing here?" and looking sort of like peoplee probably look upon seeing this for the first time:
We hung out and had drinks and went back to my place -- My girlfriend and I have a new place, which is super-duper nice, somehow. And Scott's the guy who's used to the Max Scoville who's this roving womanizer vagabond who always needs a place to crash and tends to hook up with his girlfriend's friends the night he meets them, and all of a sudden I have a serious girlfriend and a grownup apartment. Crazytime.
That was last night.
So anyways, about the computer (told you I was scatterbrained today). Normally, I've been using the Dtoid Macbook Pro, which I use to edit video and watch important movies of cats and so forth. Hamza needed it back, though, because he's flying to New York for a big honkin' THQ press event next week. I decided to have some fun with it.
First, I organized all the nice movies and videos I had. First season of Adventure Time, a bunch of nerdy movies, stuff like that. Figured he'd want something to watch on his flight. Then, I got a baggie of Oreos and wrote a note saying "Have fun on your trip, Hamzie, XOXO," because I figured he'd get hungry on the plane. Then, I changed his wallpaper to something really cool, so nobody at the airport would make fun of him:
Of course, I'm an intensely stupid person, and forgot to log out of all my important accounts. So after calling me on the phone and calling me a "fuck," Hamza sent this email to Zac Minor, our show's producer:
He, of course, threw it up on Twitter.
I love this job, and I love this industry. We are all big, gigantic, disgusting children. And we are awesome. I can't believe you read this whole thing, you could have read an entire important book instead. Aw, I love all of you.
I'm gonna go shower. It's two in the friggin' afternoon.
Hey hey everyone. I don't even know who reads this, but you guys usually comment, which is kickass because it makes me feel less like I'm talking to myself over the internet while sitting alone in my room in my underpants.
Anyway. I started co-hosting The Destructoid Show, as you can see HERE. Video went up after I went to bed last night, so this morning -- at 4:30, when I woke up because my day job is an exercise in cruelty -- I ran to the computer like a kid running to open presents on Christmas. And then, you know, I read the comments on YouTube, which were YouTubish. And then I was in a bad mood until I listened to "Eye Of The Tiger" and "Push It To The Limit" a few times and smoked a cigarette. I hate mornings anyway.
A few hours later, Twitter user Flintsci tweeted at me, "ignore the youtube comments. this is like Internet 101. nothing good ever comes from reading them on any video." And I immediately felt stupid, because he was totally right, and I already knew that. Putting things into perspective, I got off easy. Nobody called me anything particularly mean. There was lots of positive feedback, but at five in the morning, it's easy to take things to heart.
Obviously, people are pissed I'm taking over for Holmes, but, uh. I am. So I don't know what to say.
Wait, yes I do:
If The Destructoid Show is your Mom, and Holmes is your Dad, then I'm basically your Mom's new boyfriend. I'm not trying to replace your father, but I love your mother dearly, and she'd be a lot happier if everyone got along. I don't expect you to call me "dad," but it'd be cool if you got to know me a little better before screaming "You're not my father," slamming your bedroom door, and playing Papa Roach really loud.
(If The Dtoid Show is your mom, and Holmes is your dad, I don't know who Tara would be, and trying to factor her into this just gets all kinds of fucked-up in ways that would make Freud's head explode. But Tara's really cool and everyone has a crush on her, so that's not really an issue.)
Anyway. I'm tired and should probably make a sandwich or start doing research for tomorrow's episode or something, but here are some idiotic Photoshops I've done for no reason whatsoever that will probably be appreciated by Dtoid community members.
Hamza said I was gay for making that, but I've never worn a hat that stupid, so he can shut up.
I sent out a friendly holiday email to the entire Dtoid family email list, and Jim Sterling said something like, "Oh, great. Another email thread where I have to be nice." So I made that.
Yesterday, after we shot the show show, Zac Minor (the show's producer) took a bunch of cutesy photos of me and Tara for some reason. A few hours later he sent us that.
...And I replied with that because I'm obnoxious.
So there you have it. Cool story bro. lol ya inorite?
A few weeks ago, I shared with you a little keepsake from my idiotic community college years: a note I'd written to myself while totally trashed off Coors Light and Jagermeister.
Today, I'd like to share with you... Another embarrassing drunken note.
As I mentioned, I'd found this pile of old notes and stuff amidst some doodles and correspondence, and thought it was funny enough to put on the internet in a place where prospective employers can frown at it.
Here's the front side:
Translation: Doo (does this pen work?) Yes. Okay holy shits. The world will not sit still; Planet Earth is fucking spinning... Alex [last name omitted] an Jeff [last name mostly omitted]
-y helped me home... Remind me to thank them. This is gonna be so funny to read tomorrow. Sam! Niggaz4life! Murder Beach Pythons stone cold killin' machines, sucka!
What comes next? I'm very drunk, I wanna keep -->
[Aaaaand the back side:]
Translation: Track of what's up. I love some people.
This is probably from the same timeframe as the other note, spring 2007.
Around this time, my buddy Sam had just gotten a Geo Metro hatchback for about 600 dollars, and was extremely excited about driving such a hilariously shitty car. There was a CD player, but it was literally duct-taped into the dashboard, and the speakers were rolling around loose in the back. I'm a big guy, so I didn't fit in the car normally, but somehow, that night, Sam decided to give Alex and Jeff a ride home too. (Just to make this story more interesting, Jeff is a very handsome and athletic fellow, while Alex is a really hot girl who was probably like seventeen when all this took place.)
We piled into of Sam's Geo Metro with Alex and Jeff. Sam drove to my house, and Alex and Jeff decided to walk me inside, because I so illegibly mentioned: "Planet Earth is fucking spinning." Ah, to have the alcohol tolerance of a fifteen year old girl... Those were the days.
Also, this was back when I was in a GANG.
We were really the only gang in Sonoma, and we were called The Murder Beach Pythons. I'm not sure this was a very fitting name, since there are no murders, beaches, or pythons in Sonoma... But we all wore orange bandanas and hung out in the Safeway parking lot listening to Run-DMC really loud out of our car stereos.
I was one of the founding members, and my gang handle was "Mongoose." Some of the other names were "Wooly Bully," "Hands," "D-Pad," "Chief Thunderstorm," and "Brando Calrissian." I have the gang handbook somewhere, it's written in a Super Friends diary. Man, we were raw as hell.
Anyway. There's Gaynavysaurus, as you can see, and some ugly guy.
Then, on the other side of the paper is a worksheet about memory. Which is really funny, because I have no idea where that came from.
I'm sure this kind of ridiculous drivel isn't quite as interesting for you guys as it is for me, but what the hell. Free blogz. Hope everybody has a happy new year and writes themselves hilarious notes to read in the morning.
I recently set up a YouTube channel for myself, because that one friggin' VGAs interview I did with the VP of Blizzard has like, a bajillion hits, and I figured it'd be a good tool to put all my dumb internet videos in one place. You know, by favoriting them. ("Favorite" is not a verb.)
Of course, this process required me to trawl YouTube for videos I've shown up in. And doing this last night, while drinking Mountain Dew and vodka (a cocktail I call a "Mount Doom") resulted in me finding a bunch of other weird shit because I wasn't paying attention.
Most notably, I found a video done by a couple of friends of mine. "Nintendo 64," sung to the tune of "When I'm Sixty-Four" by The Beatles.
Robin Khamsi, who sang the song, currently works for BioWare. Dexter, who has the large jew-fro just got his degree in computer something-or-othering from UCSC, focusing primarily on game design. We worked on an iPhone game together last year.
They're both very talented guys, and it's gonna be cool to see where they wind up.