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3:07 PM on 12.13.2011

A Care Package From Occam's Electric Toothbrush!



This picture is completely unrelated to anything, ever.

Hey guys! Holy Bananas, I never write in here anymore. I feel like a jerk because I used to come in and say hello but now I just start fights with people on YouTube and Reddit and try to get more popular on Twitter and long story short, I feel like a jerk for not writing in my Cblog. I am terrible at utilizing my free time on the internet.

I don't know if you guys have been watching The Destructoid Show (It's totally fine if you're not, I am obnoxious) but that's going strong, and we're gearing up for our last little push of busy-holiday-crunchtime. We usually have to double-up on episodes before the holidays so that we have enough content for when the studio's closed, which is fun, but tiring. Working on some GOTY shit right now, possibly some fun stuff involving Skyrim. I'm also doing Podtoid every week, which people seem to enjoy, and I'm on another podcast with some gaming industry folk called The Comedy Button.

Anyway, I'm rambling and just shamelessly plugging things and that's really boring. The main reason I'm writing this post is because I wanted to post a link to this video-unboxing of a care package Occams Electric Toothbrush AKA Hugh sent us. Us being me and Gennhaver AKA Jenn. She's been equally terrible about posting on here, but to be fair, she's in grad school. I'm just lazy.

Without further ado, here is a little bit of show-and-tell. RIGHT HERE, THIS IS THE VIDEO HERE. CLICK THIS PLACE. PLEASE WATCH IT.

(I couldn't figure out how to embed it. God, that's embarrassing. Embedding YouTube videos into posts on Destructoid is half my job description.)

Anyway, Occam, we love you. Thank you so much for the treasures, I'm seriously stoked on the Boba Fett stuff -- Both of those came out in the height of my buy-anything-with-Boba-Fett-on-it phase, but for one reason or another, I never got either of them. I'm as bad at collecting Star Wars memorabilia as you are amazing at finding gifts. The Talespin toy is straight out of my childhood, and Girls And Corpses magazine is something I'm proud I now own, and for all the constant Robocop worship I do, I didn't actually own the second movie. You're a magical person.

But yeah. I fucking love this community, you guys are rad. I constantly feel guilty I'm not around more on here/in the chat/on the forums. I'm also desperately hoping I can make it to PAX East, and if not, I am going to hug all of you at PAX Prime.   read


3:27 PM on 05.16.2011

Tommy Wiseautoid

Ever since we started taking movie suggestions for our totally-not-an-obvious-product-tie-in Destructoid/Netflix movie club, people have been yammering at us to watch The Room. No. I've seen that fucking movie enough times.

In fact, here's a video from last year in which I dressed up as Tommy Wiseau. Holmes and I spent an afternoon shooting this, for reasons that escape me. We still have that wig at the studio. Maybe I'll do more dumb impersonations sometime.

[embed]201284:38525[/embed]

Confession: I'm posting this blog because I needed a place to embed the video so I can link it to our producer, and the original post this was in got fuckled.   read


9:26 PM on 04.03.2011

Deadpool

Hey dudes. Long time no blog. I feel like I've been really bad about writing lately, personally and professionally. I've got a pile of previews I should be working on, but so far my attempts at writing them have consisted of me typing introductory sentences, staring at them, deleting them, and then swearing. Fucking writing. So stupid.

Anyway, Wondercon was this weekend and it was magical. Haven't been to a convention since San Diego Comicon back in 2007. Back then, I didn't know how to talk to girls, didn't party, and didn't host an internet TV show about cool nerdy stuff. Also, San Diego is one of my least favorite cities, and I don't think I can even explain why. It's like Diet LA.

But yeah, Wondercon was a blast. One thing that I noticed -- I'd kind of anticipated it -- was the sudden popularity of Deadpool. This guy:



He's popped up in a couple games, but his recent inclusion in Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 seems to have given him a big boost. He was in that wreck of a Wolverine movie. There's been talk of a solo movie for like five years now, and Ryan Reynolds is probably gonna play him. I'm totally cool with that, because Ryan Reynolds is fucking awesome. "Definitely Maybe" is like my favorite movie ever, and if you watch that with a girl, she'll totally make out with you.

Um. But yeah. Deadpool.

Deadpool's been my favorite Marvel character since I was like seven years old. No exaggeration. I'm not sure what my first exposure was. Probably on an action figure cardback, or as a trading card. I just saw him and was like, "Damn, a ninja with guns! Cool!" Of course, he's also a hilarious and fascinating character, otherwise I wouldn't be a fan.



This is my big fucking stack of Deadpool comics. I've read almost every comic he's appeared in. AND I have his action figures. I am obviously the best at Deadpool.

At Wondercon, I must've seen two dozen people wearing Deadpool shirts, and two or three people actually cosplaying as him. This is weird for me. The knee-jerk reaction is get all pretentious about how I'm a bigger fan, and I was here first, but that's stupid. People liking Deadpool is good, because it means he won't fade into obscurity. It means they'll make more action figures and comics and hopefully the movie isn't a fucking mess. This is good for everyone involved, so more power to ya, Deadpool.

But still. I was totally here first, and I'm a bigger fan than you. And I needed to come out and make an official statement about that.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go out and read some Deadpool comics. I'd recommend Cable & Deadpool volume one, it's a good starting point.

  read


2:47 AM on 03.11.2011

Tsunami

I was playing Pokemon when I read about the earthquake in Japan. Chad sent out an email to all the Destructoid editors, making sure Dale North was okay. He lives in Japan, so this is scary shit. Don't think he can get email, but he's been Tweeting that he's okay. I tweeted at him that I'm glad he's alright.

I went back to playing Pokemon, because I didn't really know what else to do. Tweeted some bullshit about losing an online battle, and kept playing. Someone tweeted at me, probably quite disgustedly, "You know there was just a massive earthquake in Japan, right?" and I fired back something about how "No shit. What do you want me to do, go buy a bucket and a plane ticket?"

Then I started watching the Al Jazeera video feed, and I got that tight feeling in my chest. I deleted my tweets, because they seemed insensitive, and I felt like a dick for sitting there playing Pokemon while horrible destruction was going on. And then I felt like a dick for deleting the tweets to protect whatever image I might be trying to maintain.

And then I just watched the video feed, and read Twitter, and felt worse and worse about everything.

Japan is an amazing place. There's nowhere else I want to visit as much as Japan. It's Japan. It's awesome. Obviously, I love video games and anime, and they come from there. Now there's a big fucking disaster ruining peoples' homes and nobody's even mentioned the word "body count."

It doesn't matter if my favorite things come from Japan, or if I appreciate its culture. What matters is that human beings, somewhere, are suffering a great deal. The knee-jerk reaction is try and help -- which is something I intend to do however I can -- but at the same time, Japan is five thousand miles away.

There's a tsunami warning for San Francisco in seven hours. That's a scary fucking concept. SF is fifty feet above sea level and I live about a mile and a half from the water. I'm sitting here, reading the internet, and getting scared.

I've lived through a tsunami warning before. I was playing bocce ball on Venice beach sometime last year. We had the time the wave was predicted for, down to the minute, and we stood there watching the ocean. Nothing happened.

Reading the official bulletin, a tsunami "watch" is the lowest level of alarm. Sort of like the neighborhood watch, except instead of a break-in, the worst case scenario is a killer fucking tidal wave.

The information age has brought forth a lot of amazing things. We know what's going on around the world, as it's happening, but that's not always for the best. I've lived in California for ten years, and in that ten years, I've felt two earthquakes, and one of them I wouldn't have realized was an earthquake if I hadn't checked Facebook.

Assuming I don't get washed away by something out of a Roland Emmerich movie, first thing I wanna do tomorrow is talk to someone at Revision3 about doing some charity fundraising shit. Right now, though, there's really not much I can do that's productive. I looked around for some kind of charity effort, and nobody's listed anything official yet.

Aside from my absolute terror at the thought of a tidal wave hitting SF -- seriously, I have fucking nightmares -- there's still that long-distance feeling of guilt. Before the internet, it wasn't like this. Yes, regularly scheduled program would be interrupted with emergency broadcasts, but it wasn't like Twitter or Facebook.

Maybe that was for the best, but I think ignorance is bliss. And they just bumped this up to a Tsunami warning. What the fuck does that mean? I don't know. I need to get off the internet. It's just making me worry.

I wrote this because I just needed to write something, so if it looks really stupid in the morning, please disregard it.   read


9:42 PM on 02.07.2011

Blagghhh! REVENGE!

Hey everyone. Tonight, we had a rather entertaining episode of The Destructoid Show ready to go up, but the evil ghost of Jonathan Holmes that haunts our studio set fire to several of the editing bays and our producer, Zac Minor. It was a true american tragedy, and one that could have been prevented if we'd bought robot guard-dogs like I suggested.

The audio was all out of sync, which makes videos almost as unwatchable as when the audio is N*Sync.

My girlfriend's out for her friend's birthday, and I'm home alone, so I figured I'd write in here. Been quite a while since I posted anything, and even longer since I posted anything that wasn't about Bulletstorm. Since then, I've gotten quite comfortable hosting the show -- or at least I'm enjoying the fuck out of it, and not feeling terrible nervous beforehand -- and I've started actually writing some posts for the main page. It's pretty exciting to write stuff and have people actually read it. Makes me feel like less of an on-camera-only Ryan Seacrest-ish douchebag. Writing is something I really love doing, even if it's about professional wrestling games for the iPad.

If you guys recall, we did that ridiculous Charity Water livestream a while ago, and I was mailing drawings to anyone who donated twenty bucks or more. I am almost done doing that, I think I've got one more letter to send out. If anyone doesn't get theirs, shoot me an email at [email protected], and I'll make it happen. My inbox is jam-packed full of sexually-charged emails from Tara Long, as well as threatening notices from Cliffy B's lawyers. Hah, I kid, I kid. (Tara usually just sexts me.)

Ahem.

On a relevant note, can you believe that whole sexism debacle with Jim Sterling and Anna Anthropy? I'm not trying to open up that whole can of worms again, but I think both of them were acting like a couple of obnoxious teenagers. I don't think the issue is homophobia or sexism, I think it's plain and simple civility. It's 2011, and we're (sort of) adults. Calling a woman a cunt is never going to go over well, and telling a man he's a closet homosexual... Well, that'll probably make him want to call you a cunt. There's a fine line between friendly rivalry and two people screaming insults back and forth at each other in 140 characters or less.

That whole ordeal just made me facepalm, and then imagining what it would be like if everyone in this industry put their differences aside and did our own rendition of We Are The World.

But ew, fuck that. I should probably say something inflammatory on the show sometime soon, it's been a while since I got anyone properly pissed at me.

I dunno if you guys saw, but earlier, I linked to my old DeviantArt page on Twitter. It's from like, four or five years ago, but I feel like we know each other well enough now. Go check it out, there's shit on there dating back to high school. Here are a few cherry-picked favorites:





Always had a thing for Nosferatu.



Bossk sucks. Period. Stupid Trandoshan asshole.



That'd be the best buddy comedy ever.



Speaking of Thundercats, I used to spraypaint my shirts and wear them.



,,,But I wore weirder stuff...



That was my infuriating old PC. Thing had a 10 gig HDD. Insanity.



L-R: Boba Fett, Nosferatu, Mumm-Ra, Eazy E, and Danzig.



Used to listen to a lot of power-metal.

Also, super into zombies:





...And dinosaurs:





There you have it. Old things. Lots more on the DA page.   read


2:58 PM on 01.25.2011

Allow me to beat this dead horse for you.

As you guys know, Iím not super-excited for Bulletstorm. I never planned on talking about it this much, exactly, because I typically try to avoid focusing on things that I donít find super-fascinating. However, the amount of rabble-rousing I accomplished with my now semi-infamous ďCliffy B rantĒ has led to me being that guy who hates Bulletstorm with a furious passion, thinks violent games are for antisocial man-children, and feels that all games should be more like Stars Over Half-Moon Bay.

This is not the case. I love mindless virtual killing and childish antics in a video game. In my life, Iíve probably completed about six missions in all of the Grand Theft Auto series, because I spend the majority of my time in those games punching old women and blowing up cars. I can appreciate innovative gameplay and the importance of a good story, too, but I think itís funny to shoot dudes in the face.

I also appreciate humor in games. I think itís one of the big elements thatís been left out. You ask people about games that are known for their comedy, theyíll probably say Conkerís Bad Fur Day or Portal. Try and name ten games that youíd say are, without hesitation, funny games. Itís kinda tricky.

Bulletstorm is being played up as a ridiculous, over-the-top shooter that encourages creative gunplay and doesnít take itself too seriously. Itís a game where you can shoot a man in the crotch, get bonus points for that, and then use an electric whip to punt him into a giant venus fly trap.

Why wouldnít I be excited for it? Well, aside from the fact that I donít like Cliffy Bís haircut -- I know it's not his game, but he's the one plugging it. That's the downside of having a hype-man, people tend to associate him with the cause he's promoting. Dude, you're getting a Dell! -- Anyway, Bulletstorm seems muddled. To call it over-ambitious isnít quite right, but it seems like a game thatís attempting too many different things at once. Hereís the premise, according to Wikipedia:

ďBulletstorm takes place in a futuristic paradise setting where a confederation is being protected by an elite band of epic mercenaries known as Dead Echo. When Dead Echo member Grayson Hunt, voiced by Steve Blum, and Ishi Sato discover that they had been working on the wrong side, they betray their squad commander and end up being exiled to the edges of the galaxy.Ē

Okay, so. Itís about space guys in a universe thatís totally new to us. Weíve got a new hero named Grayson Hunt. This could all be very promising science fiction. Oh, but wait. Nevermind that. The reason Iím supposed to be excited for the game is the crazy shit you can do with your guns and laser-lasso and giant boots.


Dude, you're wearing more straps and zippers than an entire ska band.

Why bother making up characters and a plot if the main focus of Bulletstorm is the insane gameplay?

Back in the early days of the first person shooter, you didnít play as a character. Remember the heroes of Doom, Wolfenstein, and Quake? Exactly. And how about Epic Gamesí first big hit, Unreal? Your character didnít have a name, and that franchise didnít really blow up up until Unreal Tournament came out. And the plot of UT was pretty straightforward: Shoot dudes.

Playing a game with barely any plot is fine with me, assuming the game is fun. And if youíre letting me play with super-cool weapons, I really donít care what character Iím supposed to be controlling. Just donít half-ass it. Unreal Tournament was fun as shit because it wasnít being served with a side of terrible story. A gun that shoots ricochetting circular sawblades is a fine substitute for story.

On the subject of Gears of War, a gun with a chainsaw on it is fucking awesome. It is, also, totally ridiculous. From what I can tell, that series is not supposed to be funny, and I therefore laugh AT it, not WITH it.

Now, letís talk about Duke Nukem Forever, and why Iím excited for it, in spite of my apparent distaste for all things fun and stupid.


I like video games that look like something you'd see airbrushed on the side of a van

The character Duke Nukem first appeared as the hero of a self-titled 1991 platformer, which was about as adult-oriented and violent as Kid Chameleon. You were a musclebound guy in a red shirt boots with a gun who ran around picking up cans of soda and footballs. In 1996, Duke Nukem 3D came out. You were still the same character, really, except now you swore a lot, used steroids, and threw twenty dollar bills at strippers. Also, the game was a gory first-person-shooter. But you still played as Duke Nukem.

According to his creators, Duke Nukem is a cross between John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. The majority of his one-liners are stolen from John Carpenter movies or the Evil Dead trilogy. Heís established as a world-renowned womanizer, he loves beer, and he kicks ass. All these complex facets of his multifaceted character are established in Duke Nukem 3D with three ending cinematics, a handful of title cards, and grainy in-game dialogue. At the time, the game was quite heavy on character and plot for an FPS.

[embed]192450:35668[/embed]

If you havenít picked up on it by now, Iím a fan of Duke Nukem, and Iíve been one since I was ten years old. Iím biased, duh. However, there are some glaringly obvious differences between Duke Nukem Forever and Bulletstorm, and when people say ďDude, theyíre both stupid/fun shooters, whatís the problem?Ē it makes me facepalm so hard and curse at you through my computer screen.

Bulletstorm takes place on a distant planet covered with weird plants, and it makes no attempt to connect with my boring life on earth. Itís just wacky science fiction.


"We've gotta defeat the evil Plantazoids and rescue Queen Chrysanthemum!"

Duke Nukem, however, takes place in the not-too-distant future of America. There are still strip clubs, beer, and football games on TV, but there are also shrink rays, aliens, and flying cars. Itís relateable.


"Those alien bastards can fuck up outer space all they want, but when they mess with America... It's WAR."

This is just a manner of personal taste, so you donít have to agree with me, but hopefully you can see how glaringly different it makes the two games.

I donít insist all fiction be grounded in earthly reality, because that would be boring, but sometimes I really just donít care about space shit. Bulletstorm is one of these times. Because it's such a fun, silly game, I really don't know why it looks the way it does. Instead of a bunch of space-assholes with high tech weapons fighting mutants and plants on another planet, it couldíve taken place on earth. In modern day. The bad guys could still be mutant aliens, and the crazy weapons could have been made by a wacky inventor.

To say Bulletstorm is unimaginative would be incorrect. It's just imaginative in a way that I'm not interested in. Instead of outer space, it coulda taken place in Victorian London, and everything would've been steampunk. Still wouldíve been a crazy and ridiculous game, but it wouldnít have completely blended in with the nine billion other games that take place on planets that I donít care about. Name me one good Steampunk first person shooter. And donít say Bioshock, because that shit took place in 1960 and there weren't any zeppelins.

I will give Bulletstorm credit for being colorful. Too many games these days mistake ďrealisticĒ for ďeverything is covered in mud and dirt.Ē Other than that,though, I donít think the art direction showed any innovation. In ten years, will Bulletstorm look cool, or will it look like what people thought was cool in 2011?

The look of Duke Nukem Forever reminds me of Idiocracy. Itís a satirical caricature of American Culture. It's like if the whole world was a Kid Rock video.


All hail President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho
Graphics aside, the appearance of Duke Nukem 3D is as relevant as when it was released. Dukeís character has never been cool, heís just a generic action hero, and no oneís tried to give him a hip new makeover since his creation. I applaud this. He's always been a hackneyed pile of cliches.

As a character, whose design looks more dated: Mario or Crash Bandicoot? Mario looks like a cartoon plumber, because thatís what he is. Crash Bandicoot looks like the lead singer of the fucking Offspring, because thatís what was cool when someone was designing him.


Oh, go fucking hang yourself, you x-treme alternative shit.

It seriously comes down to pretentious art-faggy nitpicking, and how Iím just not a fan of how a lot of games look these days. The fact that Duke Nukem Forever hasnít been redesigned as something hip and relevant pleases me. It just looks like the logical progression of the style Duke Nukem 3D had thirteen years ago.

After all the fussin’ and a-feudiní Iíve been involved in over Bulletstorm, I am actually kinda curious about it, so I'll probably play around with the demo soon. Duke Nukem Forever, however, is gonna be tits. Like, for realz.

  read


6:03 PM on 01.18.2011

Heavy Rain



There. I've been meaning to Photoshop that for the last seven months.

(If you don't get it, watch Bowfinger. It's the last good movie Eddie Murphy made.)   read


5:19 PM on 01.16.2011

Rebuttalstorm



Haha, so. I pissed some people off.

If you haven't seen it, here's Friday's episode of The Destructoid Show. I went off on a tangent about how I'm not stoked for Bulletstorm because I'm not a fan of Cliffy B, the guy who does stuff at Epic Games. His big claims to fame are Unreal Tournament and Gears of War. Bulletstorm isn't even his baby, it's being done by People Can Fly. But Cliffy's currently playing hype-man for the project, because he's a character like that.

First off, I should say that making a personal attack on Cliff was a cheap shot, and I was out of line for that. He doesn't make bad games by any means, but they're not to my liking. Technically speaking, they're quite good, and he's obviously a hard working guy. Stylistically, I think they're pretty obnoxious. Someone compared him to Michael Bay, and I think that's quite astute. Michael Bay is extremely good at what he does.

For the record, I love Michael Bay's work. I love dumb action movies in general. I own two copies of Tango & Cash, and that's one of the most idiotic action movies ever made. I like plenty of stupid video games, but for some reason, Epic Games rub me the wrong way.

Cliff makes fun games. Playing Unreal Tournament is one of my fondest memories about 9th grade. Given, it was a pretty crappy year for me, but shooting dudes in the face with a flak cannon is a fun thing. Somehow, even though I said in my rant that Cliffy B makes fun games, and that Bulletstorm has a lot of cool shit in it, people yelled at me for calling the man talentless, which is something I never said. Obviously, he's not talentless. He makes award winning video games that sell millions of copies.

Those games, however, are ridiculous. That's not arguable. They're adolescent and meat-headed. I don't want to go into the endless debate about whether or not video games are art, but they are a growing medium. They're becoming a thing that isn't just for bloodthirsty teenage boys. While Cliff's games make steps forward gameplay-wise, they seem to be a bit less progressive in terms of subject matter.

When I refered to his games as parodies of games, I meant it in the sense that if Gears of War wasn't an actual game, it would not seem out of place as something you'd see Nelson Muntz playing on The Simpsons. I love mindless violence as much as the next heterosexual male, but sometimes I try to look at things from the perspective of someone else. Gears of War takes itself too seriously for me to laugh at it, and it's too ridiculous for me to take seriously.

Conversely, I will say this about Cliff Bleszinski: while his games might be increasingly stereotypical, he is not. He's a game developer who fucks hot chicks and drives a nice car and goes to fancy parties. A game developer doing these things. This is a new concept. He's living the dream, and for that, I commend him. It's a change of pace from the old stereotypes of game developers being gross dudes sitting at keyboards and being smelly. We're living in this age of nerd revenge, and he's doing it right. He went from geeky shy kid who got picked on in high school to a celebrity.

Cliff, I didn't mean to take a dump on your career. Keep doing what you're doing. If at any point, you feel the urge to make a Gears of War Teaches Typing game, a lot of your fans could benefit from it.

Also, it was wrong of me to make fun of your haircut. If it's any consolation, I was told I have Justin Bieber hair numerous times, so let's call it even.   read


1:09 PM on 01.08.2011

This Was A Little Too Long For Twitter.

Mornin' sweetheart. How'd you sleep?

Figured I'd write another blog, because I'm probably supposed to, and because I love you. This week has been insane. In a fun way, mostly. Hosting the show has been so, so much fun for me, and if you watch the three episodes we did this week, I think it's pretty glaringly obvious how much I've gotten into the groove.

Before you think it, yes, that expression is idiotic. Makes me think of disco. But not good disco, like, bad late-90s post-ironic disco. This is yesterday's episode, and I'm feeling pretty happy about it.

[embed]191157:35265[/embed]

Also, I'm hungover right now, so what I'm about to write is going to be incoherent and retarded, but probably funny on some level. (God, my blog probably makes me seem like the biggest drunk ever. I'm not, guys. I'm just a major proponent of weekends.)

First, I'd like to formally say that I'm writing this from a PC. It's my girlfriend's (bother her: @gennhaver school laptop. She's a dental student, and for some reason, her school was like "All dental students will be needing Dell Latitude E6410 notebooks," so she has one. I'm using this is because a few weeks back, my old Macbook fried its motherfucking logic board because I was trying to Photoshop an HD YouTube video into my game of Far Cry 2 which was running on Boot Camp while my computer was sitting on top of a radiator and I was using it as a coaster for my hot cocoa. Okay, not really, but probably did all of those things separately. R.I.P. my awesome three-year-old laptop.

(Please don't think I'm one of those sissy wiener kids who's been using Macs his whole life. I was a PC guy until 2008, and then I made the switch.)

Since I'm on a PC, can you guys think of any games I should check out? I'm currently playing Windows 7 and this game sucks. I'm also getting my ass kicked. Earlier, I tried to change the desktop background, and I wound up subscribing to iJustine's YouTube channel by accident. Let's think of some cool games from like five years ago because I'm fucking BORED. Bear in mind, this is by no means a gaming rig.

Also, bear in mind because I am currently thinking about bears. Also, re: bears, you need to read [url="http://www.flickr.com/photos/madisoncats/5298936329/lightbox/}this comic[ my friend Erika made because it rocks ass all over the place, and she's super cute and talented.

First funny story: I sort of crashed an IGN.com meet-and-greet last night.

You guys don't know my origin story, do you? Heh. I'll save that for another day. It's a doozie. "How I went from pissing off former Dtoid editor Ben Perlee at a community college newspaper to drinking mimosas with Jessica Chobot to co-hosting The Destructoid Show: The Max Scoville Story."

Anyway, IGN's Scott Bromley and I are really close friends. He currently hosts their GameSpy Debriefings podcast, which is like The Howard Stern Show of game journalism, but a while ago, he got me my first gig in this wacky industry.

I haven't seen the guy in months, but hanging out last night made my heart swell with rad bromance. I mean, it's really like, Bromeo And Dudeliet since we work for competing gaming sites, but we go way back. I met him in 2007 when I was sort of dating his hot cousin Christina. The first time we hung out, he made me watch [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQ4KzClb1C4"]The Room[/url] for the first time. He's let me sleep on his couch a number of times, and his girlfriend gave me a set of her housekeys when I was homeless because she always slept at his place anyway.

I'm sorry to subject you to this, but I'm going to post a bunch of gay pictures of us doing things together.

Here we are shortly before going the cemetery to pour glitter and vodka on his grandmother's grave:



Here we are partying because we are awesome dudes:



Here we are fuckin' up a pig at his aunt's wedding:



Here he is dressed up as me:



Here we are as David Bowie and Mick Jagger from the video for "Dancin' In The Streets":



Here we are-- Oh. Huh.



Finally, here's a video of us sitting around pretending we're Europeans. We were seriously doing this for like four hours:

[embed]191157:35261[/embed]

So last night, I show up at this IGN thing with my girlfriend, and we're both dressed to the nines because it was date night. We show up, and Scott's at a table with a bunch of fans of his podcast. He goes, "Ladies and gentleman, Max Scoville from Destructoid!" I gave him my official Dtoid business card and he pretty much shit a brick. I mean, this is the guy who got me into the biz. Meanwhile, his fans are like, "Wait, Destructoid? What's he doing here?" and looking sort of like peoplee probably look upon seeing this for the first time:



We hung out and had drinks and went back to my place -- My girlfriend and I have a new place, which is super-duper nice, somehow. And Scott's the guy who's used to the Max Scoville who's this roving womanizer vagabond who always needs a place to crash and tends to hook up with his girlfriend's friends the night he meets them, and all of a sudden I have a serious girlfriend and a grownup apartment. Crazytime.

That was last night.

So anyways, about the computer (told you I was scatterbrained today). Normally, I've been using the Dtoid Macbook Pro, which I use to edit video and watch important movies of cats and so forth. Hamza needed it back, though, because he's flying to New York for a big honkin' THQ press event next week. I decided to have some fun with it.

First, I organized all the nice movies and videos I had. First season of Adventure Time, a bunch of nerdy movies, stuff like that. Figured he'd want something to watch on his flight. Then, I got a baggie of Oreos and wrote a note saying "Have fun on your trip, Hamzie, XOXO," because I figured he'd get hungry on the plane. Then, I changed his wallpaper to something really cool, so nobody at the airport would make fun of him:



Of course, I'm an intensely stupid person, and forgot to log out of all my important accounts. So after calling me on the phone and calling me a "fuck," Hamza sent this email to Zac Minor, our show's producer:



He, of course, threw it up on Twitter.

I love this job, and I love this industry. We are all big, gigantic, disgusting children. And we are awesome. I can't believe you read this whole thing, you could have read an entire important book instead. Aw, I love all of you.

I'm gonna go shower. It's two in the friggin' afternoon.   read


1:14 PM on 01.04.2011

Hostbusters

Hey hey everyone. I don't even know who reads this, but you guys usually comment, which is kickass because it makes me feel less like I'm talking to myself over the internet while sitting alone in my room in my underpants.

Anyway. I started co-hosting The Destructoid Show, as you can see HERE. Video went up after I went to bed last night, so this morning -- at 4:30, when I woke up because my day job is an exercise in cruelty -- I ran to the computer like a kid running to open presents on Christmas. And then, you know, I read the comments on YouTube, which were YouTubish. And then I was in a bad mood until I listened to "Eye Of The Tiger" and "Push It To The Limit" a few times and smoked a cigarette. I hate mornings anyway.

A few hours later, Twitter user Flintsci tweeted at me, "ignore the youtube comments. this is like Internet 101. nothing good ever comes from reading them on any video." And I immediately felt stupid, because he was totally right, and I already knew that. Putting things into perspective, I got off easy. Nobody called me anything particularly mean. There was lots of positive feedback, but at five in the morning, it's easy to take things to heart.

Obviously, people are pissed I'm taking over for Holmes, but, uh. I am. So I don't know what to say.

Wait, yes I do:

If The Destructoid Show is your Mom, and Holmes is your Dad, then I'm basically your Mom's new boyfriend. I'm not trying to replace your father, but I love your mother dearly, and she'd be a lot happier if everyone got along. I don't expect you to call me "dad," but it'd be cool if you got to know me a little better before screaming "You're not my father," slamming your bedroom door, and playing Papa Roach really loud.

(If The Dtoid Show is your mom, and Holmes is your dad, I don't know who Tara would be, and trying to factor her into this just gets all kinds of fucked-up in ways that would make Freud's head explode. But Tara's really cool and everyone has a crush on her, so that's not really an issue.)

Anyway. I'm tired and should probably make a sandwich or start doing research for tomorrow's episode or something, but here are some idiotic Photoshops I've done for no reason whatsoever that will probably be appreciated by Dtoid community members.


Hamza said I was gay for making that, but I've never worn a hat that stupid, so he can shut up.


I sent out a friendly holiday email to the entire Dtoid family email list, and Jim Sterling said something like, "Oh, great. Another email thread where I have to be nice." So I made that.


Yesterday, after we shot the show show, Zac Minor (the show's producer) took a bunch of cutesy photos of me and Tara for some reason. A few hours later he sent us that.


...And I replied with that because I'm obnoxious.

So there you have it. Cool story bro. lol ya inorite?   read


5:57 PM on 12.31.2010

Vintage Drunken Note-To-Self #2

A few weeks ago, I shared with you a little keepsake from my idiotic community college years: a note I'd written to myself while totally trashed off Coors Light and Jagermeister.

Today, I'd like to share with you... Another embarrassing drunken note.

As I mentioned, I'd found this pile of old notes and stuff amidst some doodles and correspondence, and thought it was funny enough to put on the internet in a place where prospective employers can frown at it.

Here's the front side:



Translation:
Doo (does this pen work?)
Yes. Okay holy shits. The world
will not sit still; Planet Earth is
fucking spinning... Alex [last name omitted] an Jeff [last name mostly omitted]
-y helped me home... Remind me to
thank them. This is gonna be so funny
to read tomorrow. Sam! Niggaz4life!
Murder Beach Pythons stone cold killin'
machines, sucka!

Gaynavysaurus

What comes next?
I'm very drunk, I wanna keep -->

[Aaaaand the back side:]


Translation:
Track of what's up.
I love some people.

This is probably from the same timeframe as the other note, spring 2007.

Around this time, my buddy Sam had just gotten a Geo Metro hatchback for about 600 dollars, and was extremely excited about driving such a hilariously shitty car. There was a CD player, but it was literally duct-taped into the dashboard, and the speakers were rolling around loose in the back. I'm a big guy, so I didn't fit in the car normally, but somehow, that night, Sam decided to give Alex and Jeff a ride home too. (Just to make this story more interesting, Jeff is a very handsome and athletic fellow, while Alex is a really hot girl who was probably like seventeen when all this took place.)

We piled into of Sam's Geo Metro with Alex and Jeff. Sam drove to my house, and Alex and Jeff decided to walk me inside, because I so illegibly mentioned: "Planet Earth is fucking spinning." Ah, to have the alcohol tolerance of a fifteen year old girl... Those were the days.

Also, this was back when I was in a GANG.

We were really the only gang in Sonoma, and we were called The Murder Beach Pythons. I'm not sure this was a very fitting name, since there are no murders, beaches, or pythons in Sonoma... But we all wore orange bandanas and hung out in the Safeway parking lot listening to Run-DMC really loud out of our car stereos.

I was one of the founding members, and my gang handle was "Mongoose." Some of the other names were "Wooly Bully," "Hands," "D-Pad," "Chief Thunderstorm," and "Brando Calrissian." I have the gang handbook somewhere, it's written in a Super Friends diary. Man, we were raw as hell.

Anyway. There's Gaynavysaurus, as you can see, and some ugly guy.

Then, on the other side of the paper is a worksheet about memory. Which is really funny, because I have no idea where that came from.

I'm sure this kind of ridiculous drivel isn't quite as interesting for you guys as it is for me, but what the hell. Free blogz. Hope everybody has a happy new year and writes themselves hilarious notes to read in the morning.   read


12:07 AM on 12.24.2010

If you don't like N64 or The Beatles, you're a terrible person.

I recently set up a YouTube channel for myself, because that one friggin' VGAs interview I did with the VP of Blizzard has like, a bajillion hits, and I figured it'd be a good tool to put all my dumb internet videos in one place. You know, by favoriting them. ("Favorite" is not a verb.)

Of course, this process required me to trawl YouTube for videos I've shown up in. And doing this last night, while drinking Mountain Dew and vodka (a cocktail I call a "Mount Doom") resulted in me finding a bunch of other weird shit because I wasn't paying attention.

Most notably, I found a video done by a couple of friends of mine. "Nintendo 64," sung to the tune of "When I'm Sixty-Four" by The Beatles.

[embed]190246:35000[/embed]

Robin Khamsi, who sang the song, currently works for BioWare. Dexter, who has the large jew-fro just got his degree in computer something-or-othering from UCSC, focusing primarily on game design. We worked on an iPhone game together last year.

They're both very talented guys, and it's gonna be cool to see where they wind up.   read





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