G.F.S. OLYMPUS—After spending tireless years backtracking for lost or stolen abilities, renowned bounty hunter Samus Aran announced earlier today that she had finally become fed up with this needless waste of time. In order to prevent this from happening in the future, she has purchased premium insurance from the Space-Farm Insurance Company, citing that the quote she received from SFIC was “the best deal for the best coverage around.”
“Whether it was from flying through a huge lightning storm or simply tripping on a jagged rock, I was constantly losing access to my special powers, like being able to curl up into a ball or run really fast,” Samus told reporters. “This was really interfering with the time it took to complete crucial missions.”
One of the many ways Samus will inevitably lose her abilities
The final straw, she explained, was during her last mission to planet CR355-LARD in which the Galactic Federation Council assigned her to wipe out all indigenous life for “the good of the public.” After climbing out of her ship, she slipped and fell on a small ice formation, which caused a system error in her power suit, losing the data required to perform all but the simplest tasks.
“Basically, I was only able to walk, jump, and shoot for a little while, which really slowed down my progress in single-handed mass-genocide of the planet's inhabitants,” she remarked. “I learned to survive on my own early in life, but once you get used to the luxury of having a super-missile launcher built into your arm or the ability to lay an infinite number of land-mines at your whim, it gets pretty hard to go back.”
Added Aran, “If any of those soft, fuzzy creatures that lived there actually tried to fight back, I might have been in serious trouble.”
Luckily for Samus, her adopted Chozo family conveniently placed devices throughout the world that contained patches to restore the lost data in her power suit in case of this very event, as well as some additional mods that added a few new abilities developed after the power suit was released.
“I mean, it would have been nice if they included those useful features like the screw-attack in the initial build. I wouldn't have minded to wait an extra month for the bonus content. It would have saved me a lot of time in the long run,” she said. “At the very least, they could have added an automatic-update feature to download the newest abilities as soon as they're released, instead of forcing me to search for them on random planets that I happen to stumble upon.”
In regards to why she keeps losing her powers in the first place, Samus blames it on the faulty programming within her suit, which runs on a Windows-27 SP2 operating system, known for its frequent crashes and virus attacks.
“I keep telling her to switch to a more reliable framework, like the Mac OS XI, which was just released last year,” explained Galactic Federation technician Lieutenant Shmup. “The space pirates could easily create a virus that hacks into her suit and cause it do terrible things, like making her punch herself in the face, all while shouting 'Stop hitting yourself' from behind the scenes. But she's too afraid of switching to a different interface, no matter how many times I explain to her that it's even more user-friendly than the one she has now.”
Apple's latest advertising campaign
With her new insurance contract, anytime she loses her powers, Samus simply has to file a claim with SFIC, and a new set of abilities would be shipped to her within two to three business days. This, of course, assumes that she does not lose the ability to communicate with the outside world.
“When the insurance agent told me that I could get replacement abilities sent to me in a few days instead of scouring a desolate planet for months, I knew this was a great deal,” said the bounty hunter. “Plus, I just couldn't say no to that computer-animated Metroid with the Australian accent that they use in their commercials.” read