So it's been a while. I haven't blogged in ages. Well, I came across a little something today that I simply can't put in anything other than a blog post. I came across a Hunger Games simulator. And so I did what any sensible person would do and wasted a few hours of my day putting my friends from Destructoid in the simulator and seeing whether or not I would come out on top. Because let's be honest here. I'm better than them. I'd 1v1 each and every one of them and come out on top. So let's see what the Destructoid games held in store for us, my friends.
So, these are the teams. Looks like the other person from my district is Luna, the most innocent person in the games. I'm sorry Luna, but you're going to be the first to go. We're all thinking it.
Ouch, right out the gate, Turtle gets a knife to the head. Sorry, Turtle. Looks like you're somehow worse at this than Luna. And what's up with breaking Nanashi's nose, Phil? You gotta go for the kill, man. At least hit him over the head with that basket of bread you took. God.
Dang, Caim is more aggressive than I took him for. And he took that mace from Browneye no less. Now how will Browneye go on a killing spree?
Wow. The German got a trident. With a campy weapon like that, he can't lose! But what's all this crap about sharing everything I gathered with Defenstrator, Charlie, and Wry? I should be stealing from them and killing them! Gah. Maybe I'm hatching some elaborate plan to gain their trust and kill them when their backs are turned later. I better be.
And Firion's just a sissy. What else is new?
Finally, day one! Now we can get to the killing!
Ouch! Looks like even though Caim took the mace from Browneye, he was no match for Panza, Phil, and Opium. Poor Seph and Stevil didn't stand a chance, either. But what is this crap? Why am I still looking for resources? I should be killing! KILLING!
Lion is so ronery.
Oh god, an arena event! Panza and Hector are ruthless! Thank god I survived! Going to have to keep an eye on Browneye, though. I get the feeling he's more skilled than he lets on.
God damn! Firion, Pk, Wry, Lion, and Bright all got wiped out at once. This is a bloodbath! I must have rolled a natural 20 or something to make it through this event alive!
Finally, Luna's dead. That took way too long.
A moment of silence for all those who were to weak to survive the first day. You guys suck at this game.
HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!! FINALLY, MY BLOODLUST REVEALS ITSELF! EAT THAT, DEFENSTRATOR! KNIFE TO THE CHEST! SSSENSATIONAL! Oh, and I guess Hector died too.
Poor Panza. I guess killing people can really get to a weakling like him.
I'd say I had made a smart move if anyone else had bothered going to The Feast. Well, in any case I was smarter than Opium. Who falls into a frozen lake? Seriously.
So NO ONE went to The Feast. Geez. Making me feel stupid. Well, at least someone got shanked with a tree branch. It just wouldn't feel like a productive day if someone didn't get killed by someone else.
What are you doing, Nihil? This is a game of life and death! A game where you show that your murderous bloodlust is greater than that other guy's murderous bloodlust! This isn't the time to be picking some damn flowers! God. And what's up with Browneye getting explosives? He's like the last person in this game who should get his hands on explosives of any kind. We're all screwed now. God help us.
At least I'm doing something productive. SLINGSHOT OF DEATTTHHH!!!
Another moment of silence for these incompetent fools.
I hope Sushi and Kir die. Anyone who has to cry themselves to sleep isn't playing right. Guess I'm getting all friendly with Nihil so I can backstab him later. Excellent. Good move from Browneye, as well.
No one died this night?! What are you people doing? Guess I'm getting to higher ground so I can snipe your asses with that slingshot I made earlier. It probably has a huge range and can fire something deadly. Like combustible lemons.
Whoa! Lots of people got defeated in fights! Except myself and Browneye. I refuse to believe that I got defeated in a fight. I must have let Sushi win. There's simply no other explanation.
WHAT?! I DIED?! NO...THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! AND I WAS KILLED BY NANASHI OF ALL PEOPLE? WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND GETS KILLED BY NANASHI?! THIS IS RIGGED. RIGGED I TELL YOU! ARGHHHH!!!
Okay, three people left. I've calmed down and decided to place all of my hopes and dreams in Browneye. That crazy bastard. If anyone has a right to win this, it's him. Make me proud, Browneye.
Another sad day.
BROWNEYE! WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING?!?! I WANT YOU TO WIN! I WANT YOU TO KILL NANASHI AND NIHIL! BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! HOLDING HANDS WITH NIHIL?! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?! WHAT ARE YOU, A PACIFIST?
BROWNEYE, YOU IDIOT. YOU WERE HOLDING HANDS WITH NIHIL. YOU COULD'VE KILLED HIM RIGHT THERE. BUT THEN YOU RAN?! YOU DESERVE TO LOSE. IDIOTS. ALL OF YOU. AS AM I. GOD DAMMIT.
It's over. It's all over.
You may have won this round, Nihil, but you've yet to win the war!
I suppose I should be happy that I placed in the top five, but I can't accept this...I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS!!! THIS ISN'T ENOUGH! IT'S NOT ENOUGH! I NEED MORE BLOOD! MORE KILLINGS! WE NEED TO EXPAND! WE NEED TO HOLD A GAME SO RIDICULOUSLY OVERSATURATED WITH PREY THAT THE CARNAGE WILL CONTINUE UNABATED FOR A WEEK! BLOOD WILL RAIN FROM THE SKY, THE GROUND WILL BE COVERED IN CORPSES, AND I...I ALONE WILL STAND TRIUMPHANT AS THE FINAL BODY HITS THE GROUND! FOR I AM THE BEST THERE EVER WAS AND EVER WILL BE!
I GIVE YOU...
Let the bloodbath begin.
Nothing yet, but I'm confident the bloodbath will begin momentarily!
AHA! Pk gets first blood! Poor KyWii. Just returned to the community, and yet she's the first to go. Who'd have thought an innocent little boy could stab a lovely young lady with such cruelty? Good job, Pk!
Hoh...So Luna has some balls on her...him...whichever, after all. Looks like Scield is no different. Maybe he's not such a friendly cop after all.
Looks like Brightside and ImmaLetYouFinish are unaware that taking it easy and fishing by the riverside isn't a smart move. A smarter move would be to take that fishing rod and jam it up someone's ass. That'd be a painful way to go. Remember the first rule of the Destructoid Games: Kill Everyone (creatively if possible).
Firion's dead already? Pffft. He went out early in the last (inferior) game as well. Guess he's just not cut out for this sort of thing. Go back to your lolis, kid. Let the adults handle the murderous rampages. And Nanashi is out already, too? Excellent. He might have killed me last time, but this time he won't be an obstacle. I will overcome!
Not much to say, here. Sushi's got some explosives, huh? I don't like the sound of that.
I GOT SOME EXPLOSIVES? BOOYAH! TIME TO BLOW EVERYONE TO KINGDOM COME! BRING IT, BITCHES!!!
Lion's already questioning his sanity? Man, it's a long road ahead for you, my friend.
HA HA!!! I stole from Turtle! Yes...YESSS!!! I'm playing more aggressively this game! I'm going to win this! I can feel it in my bones!
Damn, the German's playing aggressively this time around as well. Going so far as to poison someone's food. Going to have to watch out for that one.
Luna got defeated in a fight, but Isay spared him/her? Come on, Isay. Put it out of its misery. Luna won't last long, anyways.
Browneye fell to his death? What an anti-climax. After he stole second place in the first game, he died so quickly in this one. Guess that's good for me. One less person with some serious experience under their belt for me to deal with.
A moment of silence for these five rotting corpses.
Ouch, Mr. Andy Dixon got taken out that quickly? You'd have thought that everyone loves Andy, but I guess Defenstrator had a bone to pick with him. And Sephzilla bled out? Not a pleasant way to go. Looks like Lion's lack of sanity caught up with him. Too bad Stevil refused to give him the mercy of an eternal rest. Now he might have to deal with me. And look here. Luna is singing him/herself to sleep. That's so like Luna.
I'm...dead? No...not again...NOT AGAIN!!! VXXYYYYYYY!!! SOMEONE KILL HIM! SOMEONE AVENGE ME! RIP HIM LIMB FROM LIMB! CASTRATE HIM! GOUGE HIS EYES OUT WITH A RUSTY SPOON! DON'T LET HIM WIN!!!
Good, Brightside's still alive and kicking. And he's got some kills under his belt to boot. I'll make him my successor. GO, KILL VXXY AND WIN THIS THING!
So much kindness and goodwill between these people...It makes me sick! "Deciding to truce for the night?" "Holding hands?" "Huddling for warmth?" Absolutely disgusting. You had better not fail me, Brightside. Kill all of these disgusting vermin.
Hoh...It seems that Lion's lack of sanity hasn't been a total loss. And a suicide from Script? Interesting. Poor Tubby, detonating a land mine. He's so physically fit, he would have killed anyone of us (maybe even me) in a straight fight. But alas, muscles can't save you from technical incompetence.
Once again, Panza is questioning his sanity. Let's see if he entertains me as much as Lion has. It's shocking that Luna yet lives. To think, a delicate flower can survive on the battlefield. Inconcievable. We'll just have to see how far such an easy target's luck can go.
Yet another brutal move from Pk! He's shaping up to be a fine young killer. In fact, I think I'll elect him as my second successor. Who says I can't have two successors? So long as one of them wins, it's a win for me.
I've got nothing to say.
You'd think I'd be angry at my own death, but not anymore. My indomitable spirit passes on to my successors: Brightside and Pk! Give me a game to remember, you two! Make me proud!
If I'm not mistaken, this isn't the first time King Chrono has gotten explosives from his "sponsors". He might have the upper hand here. But hopefully, he'll just slip up like Tubby did and blow himself to kingdom come! Heheheh!
Kir convinced Hector to...snuggle? I can't believe that. Hector must be up to something. Hector isn't the kind of player who goes out of his way to do stupid shit like that. He's in it to win it. Watch your back, Kir.
Not much to say.
Hopefully there will be some more killings come morning.
Hoh...Not only is Luna still alive, but he/she's practicing his/her archery skills? Luna might show promise yet. His/her ability to stay alive this long is a testament to that. Very well! Out of respect for Luna's insurmountable luck, I appoint my third and final successor to be Luna! Just watch out for Nihil and Opium. I said earlier that the German seemed like he was playing aggressively, and if he's working with the winner of the last game, they might be a tough pair to kill. Don't get yourself killed, my delicate little flower.
If I'm not mistaken, it seems that Lion has made a full recovery from his insanity. Hmph. If I really wanted to go crazy with my powers from beyond the grave, I'd appoint him my fourth successor. But it's Lion. Come on. He isn't going to win.
Brightside died from an infection? ...... Okay, fine. Lion, you can take his place as my first successor. I find it rather entertaining that Glowbear accidentally poisoned herself! What a disgrace! Amateur!
Isn't this the second time ChillyBilly was begged by someone to kill them? And both times he refused? What a softy. It's kill or be killed, Bill! If they want to give you a free kill, you're stupid not to take them up on that!
And so ends the day.
Only three deaths? You're slacking, everyone. Where are those damn mutts from the first game when you need them? I want to see some more bloodshed in the next 24 hours, do you hear me?!
OOOOHHHH!!! Great move, Turtle! Decapitation! How brutal! Now there's a man who knows how to please!
Ha ha ha! So Roberto accidentally hit the wrong target, huh? He might be good with a brush, but not with a bow and arrow! Guess he should've practiced his archery like Luna!
At least Luna survived through the night. That luck is killer, this game.
What IS it with you people and refusing to kill people who are asking for it?! Oooooh, I wish I were still alive so I could show you all a thing or two about respecting people's wishes!
See, King Chrono has the right idea! Hmm...King Chrono is a dangerous one. I get the feeling he'll make it to endgame. Everyone had better watch their backs.
Booooring. Where's the death and destruction?!
Grumble grumble...no killings...grumble grumble....
You guys suck at hunting people.
Well, at least SOME people died...I guess....
Hah! Scield forced Isay to kill someone! Now that's a creative kill we haven't seen yet! You've got spunk, Scield!
Good...all of my successors are still alive. Very good! And it seems that your scooter that your fat American ass rode around in didn't save you from a spear in your big, fat gut, Captain Merica! A splendid kill!
What are you doing, Lion?! Don't beg someone to kill you! You're my successor! People should be begging YOU to kill them! And Pk...Pk, Pk, Pk...couldn't even handle Kir, of all people. Die like the worthless trash that you are!
Luna and Charlie killed Vxxy?! Yesss...YESSSSS!!! I AM AVENGED!!! FINALLY!!! Even if you should die, Luna, I will not mock you. You have proven yourself a successor worthy of song and praise. You have done enough. That said, you wouldn't mind winning the entire game for me, right? Hmmmmmm?
What a wonderful day it's been!
With Vxxy dead, I am at peace.
Looks like Roberto will never get to practice those archery skills! Heheheh!
Opium is dead, but Nihil still lives. Something about this is unsettling. And King Chrono is dead? Well, I wouldn't say he made it to endgame, but he made it damn close. That's one less dangerous individual who threatens my victory. However, in his place, Panza concerns me. He killed Imma, and this isn't his first kill. He's not someone to mess with.
Good, good! Luna and Lion yet live! I'm praying for you both.
Flamoctopus died of dysentary? This isn't Oregon Trail! Ha ha ha! Looks like we have some other interesting deaths as well. Scield showed promise, but it looks like he was nothing against a prawn. And Charlie succumbed to his own incompetence. What a shame.
Endgame is quickly approaching.
HOROSHO! VERY GOOD, LION! Hyahahahahaha! You and Luna are proving to be the perfect successors! Keep this up! Keep this up and kill to your hearts content! Win the Destructoid Games Ultimax! Win it for the sake of my honor!
Heh. Kir commited suicide. It's about time.
Kuh...Lion died. It's up to you, Luna. It's all up to you. You can do it! I believe in your ultimate luck!
So ends a bloody feast.
This is it. Endgame.
Luna...your ultimate luck finally ran out. You played well, my friend. You may not have won the games, but you've won my heart. Adieu, my courageous successor. Fuck that Nihil guy, though. He won the last game and he's still going strong! Will he win it again?! Is he invincible or something?! Someone put him in his place!
It's a terrible day for rain.
I guess no one needs to put Nihil in his place after all. He did himself in. And with Muck's spectacular kill...
...we have ourselves a winner! What a game!
So ends the Destructoid Games Ultimax. I suppose....I suppose I'm not better than everyone else. But you all played a good game. Give yourselves a round of applause. For truly entertaining games they were. But to those of you who placed high, don't get too full of yourselves. For this? This is just the beginning. This isn't over, for there are many games to come. These were just the...preliminaries. We'll have to see how you all fare later down the line. I have many new players waiting to get a taste of you. Ones not just of Destructoid.
But until then...this is your host, Marche100, bidding you all a good night.