WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY!? I like tacos. I also like video games, but I like tacos more. If that's a problem for you then you can GTFO.
I'm a roasted turkey sandwich currently living in the Bay Area, California. I make art [and sometimes music], sometimes having to do with video games and sometimes not. I've been gaming since I was around 3, so it's safe to say if I don't play video games I might spontaneously combust like some unholy abomination. Which is what I am.
WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS GUY OWN!? Xbox
Nintendo Entertainment System
This is a story of heartache and betrayal. Of sadness and torment. The strange and obscure tale begins with a strange and obscure letter from All of Microsoft:
Dear valued customer,
All of Microsoft is very proud of our loyal community. You have stuck with us for years, never swaying in your love for our products. We felt that in order to show our appreciation for your continued use of our products, we must spew our hot, anal excrement all over your pillow and/or bed. Doing so will ensure that we can be with you both during your time on Live as well as when you sleep.
We will keep you warm during the night. You will smell our wet, steaming appreciation each and every time you lay your head on your pillow and snuggle in close. But you must make sure to keep your room humid or our gift will grow stale and harden. If that does happen, have no worries. By that time it will have absorbed into your blanket, so the hardening would merely make the blanket more comfortable to sleep in. We thought this through.
A representative from Microsoft will be by shortly to deliver your present.
Regards, All of Microsoft
At first I didn't know how to take this. A present? Anal excrement? They had to be joking. Why would All of Microsoft send me a letter telling me that they were going to poop in my bed? Was it some kind of viral marketing campaign? Or was it someone pretending to be All of Microsoft? I was so puzzled that I left it alone.
A week or so after I received the letter, there was a knock at my door. I opened it to see an obese man in a thong. He held up a badge which read “All of Microsoft Representative”.
“Hi, I'm All of Microsoft. I'm here to deliver your present.” The man said, cheeks flapping as he talked. Both sets of them.
“But...I don't under—“ I began, but the man pushed past me.
“No time to lose.” The man said, scratching his bare chest. “Bedroom's this way, then? Alright, I'll make this quick.”
I stood there, bewildered. Then I realized what was happening and snapped out of it. The next 10 minutes went by in a flash. I rushed into my room and stood there, watching the large, hairy man squatting over my bed.
“Have a seat!” The man waved in the direction of the chair in front of my desk as if I had walked into his own room.
I blinked and looked at the chair, then back at the man. Then I looked at the bed. There were large, brown burritos already littered about the place. They contrasted the pale white of my blanket and wall. And then the scent...
Everything went black.
When I awoke, I found myself sprawled on the floor in the middle of my doorway. I must have fainted. I stood up woozily, covering my nose to get away from the horrendous smell of fecal matter. I had apparently been out for hours, because flies had began to show themselves and feast upon the chaos that had covered my bed.
Still unsure of what was happening, I sat down in front of my desk, staring at the bed. I grabbed my cellphone and called All of Microsoft support.
“Um...Hi...So, there seems to be a....a little problem.” I had to get up and leave the room, because the idea of opening my mouth amongst the mess seemed impossible. I sat down on the couch in my living room.
“I'm All of Microsoft. State your problem, sir.” The woman on the phone said.
“Well, a representative from you guys came to my house and he pooped all over my bed,” I said. “There's shit everywhere. Like...it's really uncomfortable.”
“I'm All of Microsoft.” She said.
“Y-yes...Yes, I know you are. Is there anything you can do about this problem?” I said, already becoming annoyed at the woman. Was she even taking this seriously?
“Well, if you have a problem with your subscription we can send another All of Microsoft Representative to remove your present,” The woman said. “I'm All of Microsoft.”
“Yes! That would be perfect! Please do that, thank you!”
The next week was torture. I closed off the room from the rest of the house in order to escape the stench, but the door seemed to hold nothing back. The fumes were almost visible as they flowed through the crack under the door. I could barely sleep each night as I slept on the couch. I would fall asleep and then suddenly shoot awake as I inhaled deeply, the scent stinging my nostrils like vinegar. I would swat at flies every five minutes, which soon became a natural twitch that still plagues me to this day. After a week I had become a mumbling, shaky mess. I was a shell. I couldn't bare the thought of going outside, for I knew I smelt of the travesty that had befallen my house.
Finally the day came when there was another knock at the door. I went to the door, tripping over myself as I did so, and opened it. It was the same man from before.
“Hi, I'm All of Microsoft. I'm here to cut your subscription to our newest product.” He pushed past me again and disappeared into my room. “I'll be only a minute.”
I didn't have the nerve to follow him, so I sat down on my couch and stared blankly at a wall. I tried not to pay attention to the odd noises. After five minutes the man exited my room.
“All done!” He said.
“Uh...You've got something...right there.” I said, pointing at his lip.
“Oh, hahah. Silly me.” He licked the brown smudge off of his lip and his eyes rolled upwards in ecstasy. “That taste never gets old. Alright, so we're gonna have to charge you a clean-up fee.”
“Clean-up fee? Why the fuck would you charge me for something you did?” I screeched, nearly losing it. This was preposterous! After all this time they were still trying to get away with murder.
“Whoa, no need to freak out, sir. I'm All o—“
“All of Microsoft. Yeah, I know.” I nearly spat. “How much am I paying you?”
“You'll be getting a letter in the mail soon with the amount.” He hurried out the door before I could make any more angry faces.
That night I slept in my own bed. Finally, it was over. I could get back to my normal life and play video games again. No more swatting at flies, no more hours spent bent over a toilet. There was only that small problem of a fee. But it couldn't be that bad. For once, I was finally sane. I was free.
Then...a second letter came into the mail:
Dear valued customer,
All of Microsoft thanks you for your time spent with our product. We are disappointed that you did not find it helpful in your daily activities. Maybe one day in the future you will change your mind. For now, as payment for the clean-up, we have decided to increase the amount you pay for Xbox Live Gold.
Thank you for your loyalty.
Regards, All of Microsoft
My world shattered.
I found out after this incident that I wasn't the only one who went through this ordeal. There were gamers all across the world who fell into this trap. All of Microsoft got away with their villainous scheme and the world was reduced to ruin. Those who hadn't invested much money into Xbox Live had an easy time coping because they either cut off Live altogether or moved to an entirely new game system, just before the doors closed on them forever. They were free and their world was bright and peaceful.
But others who had spent a lot of time and money on Xbox Live had no choice but to succumb. We were All of Microsoft's eternal slaves and there was nothing we could do about it. There were statues made in their honour and put up on every street corner. Passing one without praying to it was a blasphemy that would have you thrown in jail or silenced forever.
I type this out in a dark, musty room. I am alone here, amongst a plethora of Xbox 360 games that I can't help but buy more of. I can't remember the last time I saw the sunlight. Maybe the sun just doesn't shine anymore on this part of the world. The week spent amongst the scent of feces seems like forever ago and something trivial in comparison to this torture. I know there is a beautiful world somewhere outside of this limbo. But I don't know if I will ever find it. This could have all been avoided if we'd realized All of Microsoft's motive from the beginning. If we had only seen how false that gleam in their eye truly was, we could be dancing happily with Nintendo and Sony under a beautiful, blue sky. If only Sega hadn't stopped producing systems...
But there is no use for "if only". For I have no money, and I must scream.