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Just some dude that's been punching trash cans to find cooked meals since '85
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Malfy
12:26 PM on 06.18.2014

For the past year or so, there has been a lot of hype surrounding the Oculus Rift, a virtual-reality headset designed to be worn by the player so that person can be fully immersed into the polygonal world of video games. The visual control of the player will be controlled by their own head movements instead of a joystick, with both eyeballs encased into the virtual world that the game developers have created for them, leading to an experience that has been both exciting and fearful for anyone interested in the product. Some early testers have reported their experiences with the Rift, with feedback ranging from “HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE FUTURE HAVE MY WALLET” to “ how can I wear this for more than 15 minutes, I feel motion-sickness, this is a baaad trip man”. Nevertheless, the Oculus Rift has garnered enough attention to be bought out by social-media conglomerate Facebook, and draw early competition with Sony's Morpheus headset, showing that the Oculus guys aren't alone in the belief of VR peripherals for all gamers. Although, if players want true immersion, then why should we stop at visuals alone....why don't we go for PAIN. Hook up some electrodes to your nerves, assigned and calibrated to work with any Oculus Rift device. Whenever you take a hit in the virtual world, you'll take a jolt in real life, much like some movie in the 80s I probably saw and don't remember the name of. Let's have a ball.

[img=300x225]http://www.destructoid.com//ul/user/1/184254-276767-clubberlangjpg-620x.jpg[/img]

(Clubber Lang approves)

Full Disclaimer: I just had dental work done, and while having my teeth drilled and my gums repeatedly stung and drugged, I started wondering about other people that I would like to see squirming in the dental chair for some sadistic schadenfreude on my part, which led to this idea.

Of course, everyone isn't a masochist, so the electrode nerve-stinging add-ons should be optional. In video games, players want to be closer to pimp-itude than wimp-hood. I'd invite you to think of the alternatives:

A Real Hard Mode


When choosing difficulties for a playthrough, I believe most gamers start on normal, then might revisit the game on hard if then enjoyed the initial experience enough for a second run, or simply want a more demanding challenge. That's all fine and dandy, but how about we throw some sharp feelings on that hard experience as well. You'll be less inclined to get hit by any enemy if a jolt of pain was sent through your nervous system after taking a decent blow. You'd see a lot more players donning shields in Dark Souls, hoping that the 20-foot behemoth doesn't simply stomp on their chest, or watch as a player reflexes sharpen as they desperately try to avoid a sack playing as a QB in Madden. Every game could essentially turn into survival horror, with more careful observations and heightened defense with action titles. I'd have to figure out a way to make you feel extremely full after you swallowed a minion whole playing as Kirby.

[img=300x221]http://www.destructoid.com//ul/user/1/184254-276767-jazzpunkpng-620x.jpg[/img]

(Beta testing kits to the top donators)

Getting better at online multiplayer


Want to have a co-op partner that won't troll the rest of the group during a Left 4 Dead mission? He'll bite the bullet first as he feels the agony of being clawed through the chest by a Witch as the rest of the team warned him not to provoke her ire. Your teammates can share your pain of failure, which might lead to your squad performing a real act of bravery by jumping into the middle of a horde of enemies, fighting them off frantically, feeling a hit from their left side which will have them react accordingly as one of them tries to heal you, simply because getting mauled and/or shot by the enemies will suck so much harder with pain receptors, and most people wouldn't stand idly by and watch that happen. Haven't you been confused by your screen turning darker shades of red, wondering what direction the attack is coming from, before pulling the right stick too far and missing your target completely? Well...that would still happen with the Oculus Rift You a New One pain feature (patent pending), but you would at least take cover much sooner than usual I bet. You can even be on the other side of that danger, playing Call of Duty online, pestering a whiny 12-year old with bullets as he frantically searches for you. Shoot him enough so he feels the heat, but not enough damage to kill. You can snicker to yourself as he bawls his eyes out in frustration, throwing the headset off and rage-quitting because little kids are total crybabies, and cutting down on vulgar grade-schoolers screaming obscenities in everyone ears sounds like technology well spent. Tolerance grows with age, whipper-snappers.

[img=300x221]http://www.destructoid.com//ul/user/1/184254-276767-babycrying1jpg-620x.jpg[/img]

(Pictured: 12-year-olds dealing with the RYNO)

Constructive Self-Destruction



Apparently, some people like to hurt themselves on purpose, to know that they are in control, and can still feel. I guess I heard about it in a Nine Inch Nails song once. Some people are also into a “pain is pleasure” ideal, living la vida loca with chains, whips, a dominatrix, a bunch of leather, ballgags, and slippery floors. I'm sure those dungeons don't quite live up to the health code, so why don't we try getting hurt in videogames instead. Just adjust the pain setting of the game you're playing, dive into Skyrim with the Oculus RYNO, and let the dragon scorch you. Your safe-word will be START > QUIT TO MAIN MENU, but you can certainly get your kicks without having to lick someone's leather heels. Same thing goes for the skin-shedders. You don't have to spill your own blood, or leave scars all over your body, unless you're really into that sort of thing. You can take out and receive your frustrations out on SuperHot, a puzzle-shooter where time, and bullets, only move when you do. You can choose to poetically run straight into the bullet for a painful quickie, or go all out Matrix and take down the oppressive, faceless foe force that probably hates the music you like. I'm talking about saving money on razors, first-aid kits, automobile trips to the sex dungeon, Scar-B-Gone ointment (if that's a thing), the whole works, all from the discomfort in your own home.

Eh, I'm done fluffing this idea to the public. I gotta go set up a meeting to shill this idea to Mark Zuckerberg on LinkedIn. Yes, that is ironic.
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Since the late 80s, during the days of the Atari 5200, I've owned at least one home console from that generation and every subsequent generation afterward. I can recall waiting for a friend of mine to invite the local ragtag group of kids to his house to witness the debut of the newest console to come out, whether it was taking turns on Super Mario World for the SNES (and someone hogging the controller to ride Yoshi, not naming names), competing against each other in Battle Arena Toshiden for the first PlayStaion, or getting slightly perplexed at the controls of Pilotwings 64 on a brand new Nintendo 64 system. That particular friend mastered the fine art of getting his parents to pay for a brand new, day one console, before the days of Gamestop pre-orders and unboxing videos on Youtube. That friend even managed to instruct his parents on what games to buy for the brand-new system, something which I failed to do on Christmas in '96 where I received a N64 months after its U.S. release, with SNES cartridges bought for the system instead (My mother meant well).

That lucky day-one kid would end up being the star of the show for months on end, with his mission to convince us all around the schoolyard that this newest console, fresh from the shelves of a department store, was THE console to get, right now. Too hot to wait until my mother received her Christmas bonus, or any significant price drop to the product. You didn't want to be left behind with the previous gen's limitations, then you'd just look like the unmotivated, poor kid that's still inputting the blood code on Mortal Kombat 1 while everyone else is in disbelief on how realistic Randy Moss looks on NFL2K. Alas, during my childhood I was never a “day-one kid”, usually getting new consoles months after its release, but nonetheless never succumbing to the impressionable notion of being “left behind”.

So, well into my 20s, shortly after E3 2013, I decided to pre-order a Launch Day Playstation 4. Unless Amazon is getting my hopes up for nothing, I'll receive this console on its Nov. 15 date, and become a “guinea pig” for the services and games that Sony is offering with its release, along with a million other test subjects, according to the reported pre-order figures.



I have heard the horror stories of buying a console at launch: From dealing with a severely limited library, with games usually suffering in quality due to having to experiment with dev kits they haven't mastered yet, to hardware issues, such as the infamous Red Ring Of Death on the Xbox 360, or detrimental limitations, with the PS3 lacking in comprehensive online services early on, or the Wii U's comically long firmware update. There has been numerous reports of criminal activity occurring around stores during a new console's launch day, usually robberies and shootings, not to include the legal, yet “highway robbery” of people buying multiple consoles to sell for triple their worth on auction sites as stock runs out in stores. Can't forget the inevitable confusion and apathy being exchanged between customers and store clerks. Waiting a year or two until prices for these consoles usually drop with a much more substantial selection of games to choose from is, admittedly, the wiser option, especially if you have the will power to do so.

So why would I fully intend to acquire a console at launch, even at the disadvantages previously mentioned? To show that damn day-one kid I can be cool too, 15 or so years later? To embrace the cruelty of my inner-child so I can point and laugh at the downtrodden sticking to their grandpappy consoles? There's room in my wallet now to fit their jealous tears in, and I want that satisfaction, right?



Mainly, I want a launch day console for the sheer curiosity of it. Being a guinea pig for a highly-anticipated, brand new gaming machine is something I've never experienced, and probably won't have the urge to experience again. As much as a negative stigma purchasing a launch-day anything can carry, this time I'm willing to go through the grind myself, deal with the flaws I may come across, and the benefits that are bound to be there....hopefully. Idle hands and disposable income are the devil's playthings, so let's see where this goes. The launch day console purchase may ultimately frustrate the consumer base with unforeseeable circumstances. So be it, because somewhere, that day-one kid is smiling down on me, God rest his soul.

(Reminder: I should look into whether that kid is still alive. Hope he didn't get shot in line).
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