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4:07 PM on 02.19.2009

An open letter to you: Dude playing as tank who has no common sense...

Dear person playing as a tank,
What the hell, man? Have you ever played as a tank before? I question this, because I can see your silhouette running backwards, away from the survivors. Then you run back and forth a few times, trying to get your bearings. Then you notice the survivor's silhouettes, turn and go right at them, promptly running into a wall. By the time you realize you've played this level before and know the path to get to them, the "control" meter is quickly disappearing. Your frenzied and wild movements mask the real you: You were a little confused, but now you're going to tear the survivors a new one! Hell yeah! I sense the fire in you and figure I'll help out as best I can. I pounce the last survivor, the one it would have been the hardest for you to get in the first place. Then i see you tear into the survivors field of vision. They panic, scrambling in all directions. Yes, use this confusion to take them out. Go after Louis, that red outline means he is the weakest, one hit and he's incapacitated. Wait, what are you doing? Why are you throwing a chunk of concrete? Ok, you missed, I'm sure you've seen the folly of throwing concrete in a room with such a low ceiling. Wait, why are you hiding? I have a survivor pinned and the other three are running scared, go after them... You're throwing another piece of concrete? What... why... it didn't work last time, why would it work this time? Ok you missed, but you have to have at least half your health bar left.

Awesome, you're finally going right at the remaining survivors. You missed that swipe at Bill but don't despair, you're the all mighty tank! What are you doing? Why are you facing me? Listen, bub, I have this situation under control. All that damage you're taking is coming from the three survivors circling you and shooting, not the one survivor I have pinned. I know you're angry and want revenge, but why aren't you going after Zoe, she basically has an assault rifle buried in your back? I'm asking you nicely, turn around and go after one of the other survivors, Francis is almost dead, just leave me to claw and whatnot. Please, think about what you're doing, you do know that this is going to kill me too, right? Dude, was I a dick to you in high school, and this is some sort of elaborate and circuitous revenge? Are you really winding up to...

Ouch. That really hurt dude, but at least you're going to finish off Francis, he's so close to dying! No, NO, NOOOOOOO, why are you throwing another piece of concrete?!? Oh awesome, now you're dead, are you happy? They're reviving Francis as we speak. Where are you other two guys? Just run in and hit him one time to stop the revive! Come on hunter, is it really that important to see how high you pounce someone from? And you smoker, you should be ashamed of yourself. It's really cool that you've learned a neat ambush spot, but that doesn't mean that you should run through most of the level just to camp there. We really could have used you a second ago. Oh, now Francis is healing, so is Louis. If it weren't for this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, it would be as if we never even had a tank.

Why did you just quit? I was going to offer you some quality, constructive advice on how to become a better player, but now I can't. Son of a Biscuit, I really need to find a new game.   read

5:25 PM on 02.18.2009

An open letter to you: Dude who keep jumping on my constricted survivors...

Dear person playing as a hunter,
What the hell, man? You see I have a survivor constricted and now you have a very easy decision to make. I see you contemplate going after the survivor running up the stairs to rescue mine, but you decide against it. I see you contemplate running up and slashing at my survivor to incap him faster, but you decide against it. Then I finally see you fly through the air and take what is mine. You get 3, maybe 4 seconds of what I can only imagine is pure joy before Bill is on top of you, knocking you away and then shooting you in the face. I chuckle to myself, happy at least that you got what you deserved, only to get shot in the face myself. I know you can't see me standing on my couch (You're not clairvoyant), and you can't hear me hurling obscenities at my television (You don't own a mike, which I established by repeatedly asking you what you were planning on doing and advising you against it), but I refuse to believe you don't see what you just did was wrong, or at the very least, unwise. Since you have no means of justifying your actions, let me try and understand why you did that:

Did you accidentally spill some food on your controller? Then when you got up to grab a paper towel did your dog or young child chomp down on it. Just my luck that your toddler/pet has horrible timing and/or is a dick when playing videogames. If this is the case, I can forgive you in light of your having to probably shell out another $40 for a new controller. Bummer dude.

Are you an only child? Did Mommy and Daddy always get you everything you wanted, right when you wanted it? I guess you've never really learned how to share, and when you saw I had a survivor you just had to have it. Your relentless desire to gobble up what isn't already yours is hard to watch. Sometimes sharing things can be to everyone's advantage, as it would have been here. I wish I could be there in person at your first job interview, when you awkwardly reach across the HR rep's desk then grab and take a bite of their sandwich. Or at a wedding where you're the best man, and while your friend is saying his vows, you knock him out of the way and embrace his fiancee. Well, you get the idea. All I would like to do is help you understand what you're doing is wrong, to maybe make your life easier down the road. But as we have established, you don't have a mike. Maybe you could not share a friends mike, or go to Walmart and not share one of their electronics department's mikes? Just an idea.

Do you spend absolutely no time around women? Is this the closest you've ever come to copping a feel, ripping out Zoe's lungs? If the survivor I had constricted was her, I suppose this may have been your reason. Swooping in to get a piece of your pixellated princess is selfish and a little disturbing. You're putting your own carnal needs ahead of the team's desire to win. Maybe spending a little time on an online dating site would do you some good. Actually, if ribbons of blood are at all erotic to you, maybe you should stay away from women altogether. It's probably a good thing that we can't communicate.

I can think of a thousand other reasons why you would choose to take my survivor instead of getting your own, selfishly boosting your score or being new to the game or maybe it was just an accident, but I'd rather spend the time finding other decent people to play with. I doubt that you'll read this, you're probably too busy destroying other peoples' faith in humanity. If you do happen to stumble across this, please utilize it as forum to help me and others like me to understand you, to get a peek inside that head of yours. Please, do it for the children.   read

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