(It seems redundant, but I fear what will happen if I don't say this: the following article is satire, and if someone already did this, I spent the last half of the semester trying to save my GPA and succeeding, so, I didn't see it.)

I like stealing things. It started when I was young, when I able to run underneath dining room tables without ducking. I would scour the house for hidden candy, insistant that the effort of discovery makes it taste better. Forbidden fruit, or king size snickers as the case may be. No matter the consequences, I would pursue the tasty treats, overcoming hurdles such as dentists, doors that lock from the outside, and the attic.

A torrent is like a delicious king sized Snickers bar. Thick, and filling for a long time, with no need to purchase it, but you do need to wait quite a while until you have access. But as you unwrap the rar, and sink your teeth into this month's single player game you posess a mild interest in, the endorphin rush is unrivaled. I guess that made Bioshock like biting a frozen snickers without knowing it was frozen.

But, as much as I like delicious candy and the root canals that are an inevitable result, things just are not convenient enough. So, to the piracy model, I propose the following changes.

1. Pirate Games Sooner Than Release
It's obvious that I want this game in a manner that retail outlets will not provide: I want to obtain this game while cooking oven fries and looking at the window at slutty middle school girls. But sometimes, waiting until after the release? Not good enough. Sometimes I have my hands, or someone elses, tied, and I can't afford to hunt for a torrent for the first 24 hours after it's release while waiting for one that functions and has enough seeds for it to be worthwhile.

I propose that pirates begin to work at these companies, and as soon as the game goes gold, they zip up the ISO, and turn that gold into crumpled aluminum foil that I recieve bit by bit over a day and a half (router issues). This way, people play their game without the nasty side effect of going outside and doing things like paying money.

2. Let Pirates Play on Main Servers
So, I know you guys worked hard on this game. And I know that you have to feed your families on some pretty basic pay, despite what the "national average" is. But I work hard too! I have to really struggle to get up at 2PM, and struggle to my chair to my computer. It's a lot of energy. Then I have to do all this reading stuff to find the right files! I bet programmers don't know what it's like to meticulously scan line after line looking for the tiny details.

I do not think it's too much to meet us half way instead of kicking us off of the main servers. We worked hard to freely distribute your game underneath all availible retail channels, so the least you can do is give us access to the master server so we can play with people who legitimately bought the game, the suckers.

3. Have the Companies Seed the Torrents
This ties in with improvement #1. The companies obviously want us to have the games, and they want to provide the games. Everyone here knows how hard it is to download a torrent without a good seed, like the one guy who just uploads 2MB/s for a 4GB ISO. So after the release of the game, while your shifting staff around, why don't you shut the internal network down and dedicate the bandwidth to seeding your own game? I'm sure you want people talking about your game, developers, so go ahead and hand it out.


I believe I have made a compelling enough case as to how the love of my life and my #1 hobby, Piracy, could be improved. I'm not trying to protest the game industry while still playing the game, nor am I trying to spite the developers: I just don't want to give anyone my precious money. I mean, the Vons by my house sells 24 packs of Dr Pepper for real cheap, so why buy video games at all?